magicjelly1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Things have been great for a year with this caring boyfriend until i realized that he told me while he really values our relationship, his immature side of him still wonders how it would be to have a girlfriend who he started with instant sparks and become gf and bf (we started off as friends - hooking up- couple) but he also says his mature side tells him what's most important is the connection and compatibility which he thinks what makes our relationship strong. He didn't say it to cause any trouble, but we were talking about our future and this was brought up and of course i probed him a little. He's 30 and very inexperienced with relationships. Tend to overthink things and always exited when he had doubts, so this relationship with me is his first serious - committed one and he's very caring and kind but he told me this recently. Is this a red flag? i dont wanna wake up one day to realize that he thinks that i'm not the one and i've wasted my time with him (i'm 28). but i get sad thinking about breaking up and he cries if we even talk about possible break up scenario and he wants to me with me. But that doubt that he told me reallly really but really bothers me. Ive been patient with him since he's not really experienced but part of me wants a mature guy who doesn't make me wonder about things. any thoguths?
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 In general, I'm just against people who haven't "sewed their wild oats" getting married until they have. So yes, this could implode when he's 40 having a midlife crisis and you're not looking 20 anymore, but the best barometer of that is what you know about him ethically. Once he commits, does he believe it's for the long haul? What does he want worse, to test the waters or not to lose you? You know him well. Make sure he's not just sad because he does think he has to go run wild for awhile but doesn't want to hurt you. Honestly, there probably isn't much risk in letting him "run wild" for awhile if the's that inexperienced. He'd probably be just awful at trying to date and doing online dating. It might be worth letting him find out. Trouble is, he'd probably never agree to let you also date other people because I bet he wants that safety net -- don't give that to him. It would have to go both ways. You know, he DID have until he was 29 to date around and apparently didn't manage it, so....I think he's fooling himself.
Author magicjelly1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 He already has run wild in his 20s. By "inexperienced", i mean he hasn't had many serious-mature relationships. Ours is his first longterm mature one where he feels this relationship is good for him. He's dated plenty of girls but he's never "loved" anyone which worries me (weve been together for a year but he hasn't said it to me yet). Part of me wants a guy who's mature enough to make me happy not a guy i have tutor around... but he's so ethical and great and caring, and so faithful i'm afraid to lose him but how long do i need to stay in this uncertainties, you know?...
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Well, if that's the case, then I'm afraid he's just one of the great horde of men who always think just as soon as they marry this one, the girl of their dreams will come along. Sorry. I know that's not what any woman wants to hear. But all people have doubts when it comes to commitment and if he's that great in every other regard, well, you know, no one is perfect. Some men don't say "I love you" until they are ready to commit, so don't worry too much about that. You've been together long enough that the initial lust is probably gone, and I guess we all wish we could keep that going.
Eaglestar83 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 It all boils down to what you want. If you happy in having a boyfriend and won't be too bothered if it does not work out, I.e marriage etc. then continue as it is. If however, you want to settle down etc, then yes, what your bf told you is a major red flag that you need to note down and get to the bottom of sooner rather than later. You need to asses if this guy's curiosity about exploring other relationships would eventually override his mature side. I think you need to take more charge in this relationship. If you have been dating for over a year, and you want to settle down, then have a serious talk with him as to where things are going. You don't want to date him for another year, just to suddenly start arguing and fighting out of frustration as it seems you two want different things and he does not seem ready for commitment Share
Leigh 87 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Very bad sign. Look, I know men who just went through the motions of marriage, versus men who were actually romantically in love with their spouses. There is a BIG difference between men who " get cold feet and, well, figure that you're not SUPPOSED to marry the woman of your dreams anyway so they should be happy with their non spark, low passion relationship since she is mother and wife material in general" And then there are the men who are crazy about their wives - those couples tend to have had a spark to begin with, they felt the chemistry and they were excited about meeting and then dating, their girlfriends at the time.... Your boyfriend seems like he started hooking up with you because he realised " hey, there aren't many beautiful, intelligent and exceptional women out there, and this girl is cute and sweet and we are such good friends, I may as well go there!" It doesn't sound like there was ever a spark or strong romantic chemistry! It also sounds like you never went through the honeymoon period.... Look, I think your guy won't be thrilled or fully on board with getting married to a woman like you, who he was never head over heels with to begin with. Some men (not all) WANT to date a women who they were really into and who they felt that sense of "new date excitement" about...not a comfortable, cosy friend who was hot enough to shag and who happened to be compatible. If I were him, no spark relationship wouldn't do it for me, either. He is at least being honest with you. Do you want to continue dating a man who isn't crazy in love with you, and who only got together with you because he couldn't find his dream girl? 1
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