DJOkawari Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Hi, I know this is long but I would hope that everyone who responds reads all of this. So I (male) was in a pretty intense relationship for almost 2 years. I was dumped almost 5 months ago (November) and I still think about her fairly often (definitely less than before though). The issue lies in the lack of NC, of course. When we met it was electric and neither of us had felt that kind of intensity before (we had both dated many people before). When we broke up, I had a drug problem and she had a drinking problem and we were both using those vices to help us cope with depression. She ended up seeing a therapist in January, it took me longer to realize I needed help and I've been seeing one for March and am continuing my visits. Post breakup she entered a rebound (which ended about a month later), however we spent a lot of time together during this time period (I know - it was super unhealthy) and we talked about getting back together a lot. We were planning on it in late December into January but she broke it off citing she needed space and wanted to be single to take care of her life (and also because she thought I needed space, I was pretty angry still): "she would be graduating college that semester, had a senior project due, her grades had slipped a lot, she would be traveling after she graduated, she needed to find a job, she wanted to see her friends a lot more because they were going their separate ways, etc.", I'm a bit older so I went through this myself already and I get it, but I also was hurt and realized if she wanted to be with me she could've done those things with me. She didn't tell me at that time, but she also wanted to see a therapist during this time and wanted to do it as as single person by herself (She told me this later). I spent almost all of January in NC and basically at the beginning of February, she contacted me and said that she felt like we would be together long-term, specifically she used the term "betrothed". She said she felt "betrothed" to me. Now, neither of us really believes in marriage so really what she meant was that she had tried dating other people and the connection we had was just so much more. I had been dating people as well and I told her that I reached the same conclusion myself. We tried seeing each other a bit in February but she's generally busy (21 credits in engineering and all of that other stuff I listed above) so we only saw each other a few times but the very last time we saw each other (at the end of February) she came over to my place, we hung out for the night and we kissed for a while but something was off and even though she slept over (no sex or anything like that) she told me in the morning "I'm just not feeling it" and I said "That's because we aren't seeing much of each other" and she replied "that's not how feelings work". To clarify a bit, she wanted to take things slowly with me at this point as didn't want to get wrapped up in a relationship during this eventful time in her life. Since that last day, I think "taking it slowly" is out of the picture as well now. I wasn't happy with my life (still hadn't seen that therapist yet) and so, each time she tried to get back together with me that mood did permeate our experience quite a bit. I was insecure and moody and basically I'm certain that, that is why those attempts failed. However, I'm not delusional I don't think there will be another opportunity for me in this regard even when I start feeling better - given how strong her words were. So, back to NC for me obviously. Since then, she messages me on facebook every few days (3-4 days) with something she thinks I might find exciting. Basically, I reverted to LC because I reply but normally it's just a little "oh, that's pretty cool", some times it ends up being a bit of a conversation but I'll end it quickly or some times I'll reply with something interesting of my own. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll get another one of those messages again, but if I do I won't be responding because it's just unhealthy. Now my questions for you guys are: 1. Why does she keep messaging me? Initially the messages had more substance and were questions about my life or well-being but now it's just links pictures or articles I might want to take a look at. What should I do about this? 2. I have a lot of stuff from our relationship. She had a roommate who preferred that we were not there, so we hung out mostly at my place. When we broke up I consolidated everything and put it in a bag. What should I do with this stuff? I feel bad about throwing it out, a lot of it is objectively really cool stuff so I kind of want to just drop the bag off at her front door and have deal with it however she would like. Good idea or bad idea? 3. I have a lot of photographs of trips we took together. I only recently found them as I was organizing my photos from a more recent trip (without her, obviously). I want to send the old photos to her (she had asked for them in the past couple months but I never quite got them to her). Is sending them to her a good idea or a bad idea? 4. Any possible directions on reconciliation? My absurd fantasy is that in a few months I'll contact her and she'll meet me and we'll hit it off. (I'm pretty certain that if I contacted her, she will meet me...the rest is kind of a toss up obviously). In conclusion, I have been seeing a few other people, I was on a date yesterday with a beautiful, interesting girl, however, my mind is still a bit wrapped up with my ex (significantly, significantly less than before though). I have a date with a different girl coming up as well and she seems like a really good fit for me too. The problem is I haven't felt the kind of immediate, immense connection I had with my ex with any girl before or after. Finally, the timeline looks like this: my ex will graduate in May, travel in June (and maybe further into the summer), and she'll be back for a job in the city we live in for the fall. I'm not exactly sure where my life is going so I may or may not still be in the city come fall. Essentially, I know there is no reason for me to contact her right now because in less than a month she'll be busy with final exams and then graduation and then traveling for a few months so I'm going to stick to my NC in that regard just so I feel better. The reasons I want to give her the stuff and the photos are three-fold: 1. I don't know what to do with them. 2. I do want her to miss me. 3. I feel like that's the final possible piece of closure I could have. A final little tid-bit is that one of the places she's travelling (Paris) is a place that I have photos of us together from. I truly believe if she looks at our photos she'll think of us while she's there (well, I think she'll do it regardless, actually but it'll be more potent this way). To state the blatantly obvious: I would like for her to miss us because I would like to be with here again. I understand this sounds a bit manipulative but it is coming from an honest place and her feelings are her own. If she sees the pictures/items and doesn't think twice then that's just her reaction. In conclusion, I want her back in my life because I believe our relationship ended for reasons that were not a lack of compatibility and that our break up will actually make this a stronger relationship (we're not depressed, we both have full time jobs, etc.). For these reasons (and a few others) I believe we could have a great future together. I'm pretty certain if I just messaged her "Hey. It's been a while, want to catch up?" we would meet for coffee or something. I cannot message her in this manner at this current moment because I am still too needy regarding her and also the timeline issues above. Correct decision, right? For reference, I have been working on myself for the last 5 months (I'm in the best shape of my life, I have more friends than ever, I have new and enjoyable, experiences consistently, I have a few projects I have been working on that have recently taken off...life is generally great minus this one aspect. Thanks for reading, I'll answer with details you guys want. Thanks for the help. Edited March 23, 2015 by DJOkawari
CarrieT Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 1. Why does she keep messaging me? Because you are safe and comfortable; a security blanket, if you will... What should I do about this? Ignore them. 2. I have a lot of stuff from our relationship. She had a roommate who preferred that we were not there, so we hung out mostly at my place. When we broke up I consolidated everything and put it in a bag. What should I do with this stuff? I feel bad about throwing it out, a lot of it is objectively really cool stuff so I kind of want to just drop the bag off at her front door and have deal with it however she would like. Good idea or bad idea? It is just stuff. Re-read that: It is just STUFF. Pack it away for later; it is much easier to deal with stuff when you aren't still emotionally invested or fretting about the relationship. It can wait. 3. I have a lot of photographs of trips we took together. I only recently found them as I was organizing my photos from a more recent trip (without her, obviously). I want to send the old photos to her (she had asked for them in the past couple months but I never quite got them to her). Is sending them to her a good idea or a bad idea? Bad idea. 4. Any possible directions on reconciliation? My absurd fantasy is that in a few months I'll contact her and she'll meet me and we'll hit it off. (I'm pretty certain that if I contacted her, she will meet me...the rest is kind of a toss up obviously). I don't see why you would want to. You admit that it is an unhealthy relationship and it seems as though it was based early on with drugs and alcohol. Going back to the relationship would be going back to the toxic atmosphere. The reasons I want to give her the stuff and the photos are three-fold: 1. I don't know what to do with them. 2. I do want her to miss me. 3. I feel like that's the final possible piece of closure I could have. Nope. All the reasons you want to contact her are because you want to manipulate her into getting back together with you. Essentially, you are looking for reasons to break No Contact. Bad idea and you have had your closure; don't look to opening the wound again. In conclusion, I want her back in my life because I believe our relationship ended for reasons that were not a lack of compatibility and that our break up will actually make this a stronger relationship (we're not depressed, we both have full time jobs, etc.). For these reasons (and a few others) I believe we could have a great future together. I'm pretty certain if I just messaged her "Hey. It's been a while, want to catch up?" we would meet for coffee or something. I cannot message her in this manner at this current moment because I am still too needy regarding her and also the timeline issues above. Correct decision, right? Again, you are rationalizing reasons you want her back. None of them hold any water. For reference, I have been working on myself for the last 5 months (I'm in the best shape of my life, I have more friends than ever, I have new and enjoyable, experiences consistently, I have a few projects I have been working on that have recently taken off...life is generally great minus this one aspect. Stick on this course. It will hurt less and eventually you will see the best decision was to leave the relationship behind. The next one will be healthier... 2
Author DJOkawari Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Hey! Thanks for the prompt reply! Because you are safe and comfortable; a security blanket, if you will... I considered that! but the conversations don't turn into anything. She literally just sends me things I would like and I say "That's cool" and that's the entire interaction. I don't think she's getting anything from searching for things that interest me and then messaging me with them, like that. It is just stuff. Re-read that: It is just STUFF. Pack it away for later; it is much easier to deal with stuff when you aren't still emotionally invested or fretting about the relationship. It can wait. Ah, well the importance is some of it is paintings that she (she's an artist who sells her work) did for me as well as purchased art that's framed. It's true that is is just stuff but that's partially why I wanted to get it back to her. I don't see why you would want to. You admit that it is an unhealthy relationship and it seems as though it was based early on with drugs and alcohol. Going back to the relationship would be going back to the toxic atmosphere. Well, I didn't make this clear above I guess but the relationship wasn't that way until after we both had to deal with very negative things in our lives and we didn't deal with that well. This is a subset of the issues but both of her parents ended up with life threatening illnesses and I had to deal with a death as well as a lot of professional stress and that's how we ended up like this (we were recreational users initially). I'm clean now, so is she. Nope. All the reasons you want to contact her are because you want to manipulate her into getting back together with you. Essentially, you are looking for reasons to break No Contact. Bad idea and you have had your closure; don't look to opening the wound again. Okay, I agree with this. If my feelings don't change in a few months I'll post another thread wondering to do I suppose. Again, you are rationalizing reasons you want her back. None of them hold any water. Well I don't see that at this moment but maybe this is true. I think those are all of the most reasonable reasons to get back with someone, rather than "we're soulmates" or "I love her too much". I have dated around and met some amazing people but I'm still stuck in the past. It's more a case of "I think I'll regret forgetting about her" and I'll be "settling" for whatever romance I find in the future (rather than having trouble moving on particularly). Stick on this course. It will hurt less and eventually you will see the best decision was to leave the relationship behind. The next one will be healthier... That would be ideal, however I guess I want to make it clear, it doesn't really hurt so much. I'm more coming from the perspective that trying again with her would be more productive than trying to date others. I really feel this, I'm not sure why. There are days that I'm sad that I don't really care what happens regarding her. I'm sad to be moving on, actually. Edited March 23, 2015 by DJOkawari
Author DJOkawari Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 If anyone else could give me advice, that would be perfect. Or reply to my response. Thanks.
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