magicjelly1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) I am wondering if women go through this more than men do. I am not an anxious person in general, but i do tend to worry a lot over the worst case scenarios that could happen especially when in stressful situations. I think this is somewhat normal, when happening occasionally. And i am a person who wants to have control over things, so when things aren't in my control, i tend to be anxious, which prevents me from effectively working, studying, etc. This is especially true when things aren't smooth in my relationship. Me and my bf are great communicators, we aren't afraid of talking about our concerns and worries when we have them, and work through them. Things are good in general, both emotional and physical. It's been a year. He is a kind, faithful, and caring person of integrity, but he is so inexperienced with relationships despite he's over 30 and i sometimes feel like i'm his relationship tutor. This is one of the biggest things that give me doubts about him. The other day, during our serious talk, he says he know he's still learning as this is the first serious-longterm relationship he's had and he's still figuring things out. And he went on saying "he sometimes wonders what it'd be like to meet a girl with whom he has instant sparks with and developing that into a relationship". FYI, he has dated girls that he had instnat sparks with, but he said they weren't really compatible so they didn't become relationships, and he said he also had some friends who he had great chemistry with but he wasn't sexually attracted to them. And he said i have both, BUT our relationship didnt start out with "sparks" bc we were friends for like a year, occationally hooking up but eventually became bf and gf. I dont' think about "how the relationship developed", bc i don't have an idealized picture of how a relationship should be. but as he's inexperience, i think he still think about that scenario, and of course, i cannot give it to him as we didn't start off as "spark, spark! let's go on dates! wow great! lets' be exclusive!". So when he said that he really threw me off, and we had a long talk and he says this relationship is good for him, and wants to keep trying and see where things are going as he sees values in our relationship and he doesn't wanna lose me, but he has this doubt. I don't know if this is a red flag... The talk was good but i'd have to say i am sad and i don't like seeing myself sad, i want to be happy, and when you see your bf saying that stuff and having that as a doubt, it's hard to be calm and happy. I get anxious, but i know there isn't much i can do but to keep trying. But how long? i know it's up to me. And i know my value, i know i deserve the best, and i know i'm a great girl to be with. How do you guys deal with anxieties coming from your relationship? is there any good strategy that you employee so that you can stay calm and see the big picture in this hard times? Thanks guys for reading this. Edited March 23, 2015 by magicjelly1234 1
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 There are two things I see in your thread: 1. relationship anxiety in general and 2. his statement about wanting to see what it's like to have a relationship with somebody who gave him instant sparks. That comment would have hurt me. I also would have said something immediately upon hearing it. It makes me think he has 1 foot out the door. He might not have meant it that way so it merits further exploration. As for relationship anxiety, I deal with it logically. Everybody is nervous in the beginning because it's all new. However, when I would start to get batty . . . why hasn't he called? will his friends like me? Am I talking to much? I'd take a deep breath & take stock. Having a healthy sense of self worth helps. I know I'm a good catch, even when I am at my worst, the overall package is still good. So when I was staring at the phone trying to will it to ring, I'd do something else, including call my BFFs to avoid acting desperate / chasing the new guy. If I was worried that I wasn't impressive enough I'd get a new outfit, re-touch my make up, read up on current events ot have something interesting to discuss etc. Part of it is about trusting your own judgment & keeping your own counsel. 3
Gloria25 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 SiWell, of course we feel a little "anxious" when it comes to relationships - regardless if its with family, friends, work, etc....worst, if trouble is on the horizon. I hate to break this to you, but while your "bf" claims he has no RL experience, he sure knows what he wants - which is you w/o strings attached. I'm glad you gave us the history on how your RL with him began, cuz it explains what's going on in your other thread. If you two started off as friends who hooked up now and then, seems like you two were and are FWBs. That's probably why he doesn't feel the way you'd like him to feel about you and/or say that he loves you...sorry. It's not like in the movies when you start off a RL like that...then, try to turn it serious. Also, him and you having great sex and getting along doesn't mean you're the gal he ultimately wants to be with. If that were the case, he wouldn't have started off the RL with you that way. So, you're "Miss good for right now"...sorry So, I guess you have a decision to make. Do you wanna keep on giving him company and sex, knowing that the day he meets "the one" you're toast? Other people where recommending that he was using you in the other thread, but it wasn't until you started this thread that now I agree with them. But, part of me thinks he's not using you...that like many women now a days, you enter into these casual things secretly wanting more and/or after a while you start wanting more. Good luck in whatever you decide...and just take this as a lesson in your next RL, which is to be cautious on how you start off with a dude, cuz if feelings develop later, you may not be able to transition it into something better. 1
Author magicjelly1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 ah we are not FWBs, we are officially bf and gf, we attend weddings together, i've met his parents, his mom made me a handmade hat. Seriously, i'd know if he's my FWBs, we are definitely more than that which is why the doubt made me jitter. If we were FWBs, i wouldn't even have a second thought of exiting this. We talked about moving in together if we are still together next year, so trust me on that we're more than FWBs, and that's exactly why i'm confused that he's saying that. 1
Gloria25 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 ah we are not FWBs, we are officially bf and gf, we attend weddings together, i've met his parents, his mom made me a handmade hat. Seriously, i'd know if he's my FWBs, we are definitely more than that which is why the doubt made me jitter. If we were FWBs, i wouldn't even have a second thought of exiting this. We talked about moving in together if we are still together next year, so trust me on that we're more than FWBs, and that's exactly why i'm confused that he's saying that. But it's not adding up here... So what if you go to weddings and met each other's parents? Now a days people aren't that discerning in what activities they do with people they have no intention of marrying. Me personally? I would not introduce someone to my parents unless I was serious. But then again, my last FWB met my mum and in laws....but it wasn't all formal. He came to visit and they just happened to be there. Oh, and my last FWB, he also brought me flowers, took me out to eat, he fixed things for me and even offered to rebuild my closet....but he was clear that we weren't serious. As for his mom making you a hat? That's nice and all, but maybe she thinks you are a nice person. Me, personally, I'd have a stern talk with my son about bringing home just "whomever he's dating at the time". BTW, a Belgian guy I dated when I was overseas? I met his mum too. She was very sweet. We only met once but went shopping, had whiskey, he took us out to eat and when I left her place she gave me a nice sheer top...I still have it and its been over a decade and me and him were not serious in the least. Also, sorry, "shacking up", is not progression in a RL. Shacking up is done for convenience (usually for the guy) and for women (like you) who wanna "play house" instead of holding out for things to be done the right way (ie him marrying you, then you two get your own "home"). So, you see, this whole RL, IMO is just like "shacking-up". You two are "playing bf/gf" cuz his heart isn't matching up with a guy who really sees you as long term potential. Again, you are "Miss good for right now". 1
Satu Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Anxiety is fear. Something I strongly recommend is that people identify their fears and face up to them as early in life as possible, so that they don't become like bogey men hiding under the bed, ready to pounce when you least expect it. Identify your fears. Admit them to yourself. Take responsibility for them. Write about them and explore them, and they will eventually fade away, or become much less troublesome. Some degree of anxiety comes as part of just being human, so never be ashamed of it.
Gloria25 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 BTW, if one day this actually goes somewhere...like him saying "what the heck/why not" and maybe marrying you, having kids, and/or dating you for another few years...again, you are risking being with someone who is pretty much "settling" for you, but really his desires lie in a different type of woman. Now, this doesn't mean you're not nice or whatever, it just means you - for reasons only he knows - don't light his fire. But I'm sure you're gonna keep on pushing and pushing until he one day caves. I mean look at the tone of your posts (that "you" are teaching him what relationships are all about). 1
todreaminblue Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 hey magic jelly, i have made some serious mistakes in relationships i considered serious,one of them was to tell guys you can tell me anything i wont judge you and basically convinced guys to tell me stuff they shouldnt...in other words i set myself up to be hurt......i took the disclosures on the chin...didnt let them see how much they hurt me and then i let them go...i used that method fo disclosure to end relationships i wasnt sure of..confused the hell out of them and gave myself anxiety in general..messed with my self worth to the max.....the biggest mistake was to get guys to be honest with what they didnt like about me...why on earth i did that.....maybe my aim was always to sabotage..... when having deep and meaningfuls its best not to talk about things that directly put down your relationship or you or them for that matter, however tough you think you are or they are, these are doubts that eventually destroy bonds and hurt the very heart of you or the very heart of them......work on strengths in the relationship you have or dont work on the relationship at all.....build positives not doubts and negatives.... i dont think he is in the relationship to be honest....any relationship you are in should be the "one" and in that relationship, the person you are with should be the most important person ...not dreams of others or possibility of meeting someone you "spark " with its hurtful to you to think he is thinking of another relationship while he supposedly is in one with you...that si why i say ...i think you need to clarify what you expect and want from the relationship and see how interested he is in making it long term...know what you want....and seek that....dont go for half assed.....deb 2
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