Dmichael Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Ladies, Gentlemen. If you go through my posts, recently I posted on my whole situation and where my confusion was coming from. Please read that so this isn't confusing if you will. For a refresher, my ex and I have been broken up for 2 months. But only separated for 4 weeks (living apart). There is a 10 year old child involved (hers). We don't go NC for to long because she wants me still actively in her sons life. I was his first father figure, his real father was gone after birth. Been in his life 5 years total. My ex travels for work. So two weeks ago I decided to just not talk to her at all. Didn't speak to her for only 4 days, which was a life time for me. We share our dogs as well, so she texted me the night she flew in. I tried to leave the conversation over text, but she'll drag out the conversation and keep talking to me. Two weeks ago she was telling me she didn't even want me in her life! and to only text her about our dogs or the son. Had found out someone told her I cheated on her during, which is false, Mind you she broke up with me. So this last week was her sons bday. I had first asked if she wanted to do dinner with him last Friday, she agreed. Later that day she said can we do something on Sat instead of Friday. I said OK. We spoke Friday and she said she wanted to do dinner too. We did something for his birthday Friday night, sat morning and afternoon, and breakfast Sunday morning. I called her up Sunday morning and asked if she wanted to do breakfast, she said her son didn't want to see me every weekend. I laughed it off because he had a friend over and he just wanted to play games. Usually I would've freaked out, but I just said no problem. She said '' Wow, you're handling this well, then goes, will you be ready in 10? Even after her son saying he didn't want to see me that day. After she picks me up she gets irritated, tells me I need to back off and to stop trying to hang out with her, when everything was MUTUAL. Then at breakfast we some how got on the topic of sex.. (Whispering of course), and how she hasn't slept with anyone yet, also neither have I. Why even tell me that? So I kinda do a jab at her after she dropped me off. We would also joke about when and how we had sex. We would say silly things like lets go dance with our clothes off, etc. So before she left I said yaaaaa know, if you wanna do it later text me. In a joking manner, then freaks out and says no! Stop it!. She has gone on a dates, kissed a guy, but I'm not sure she's finding anything ? not sure, not in her head. But this woman is the most confusing woman on the planet. I messed up through out the relationship, so she has so much anger and it comes out easily. Its like her heart wants me, then her mind pulls her back. Any women on here that can give any insight on this? Thanks all.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I read your other post too, and would be happy to share my female input on your situation. In a nutshell, it looks a lot to me like she's still sort of clinging to the good times you two (and three, counting her son) had, but has no intention of getting back together. If she was, she wouldn't even consider dating anyone else, and would likely not be so hot and cold with you. Like when she said that it would be fine to hang out, but then says you need to stop hanging out with her. Or when she got angry when you made a sexual reference. I remember going through the same thing with my ex-husband. I'd see him, we'd have a good time, and I'd remember that there was I good reason I had left him. Or he'd try to get too close. Either way, my reaction was to make it perfectly clear that we were NOT together, and it came across as very confusing to him, I'm sure. I'd suggest only hanging out with her son in the future. He knows the two of you aren't together anymore, and it might be confusing to HIM as well, to have you all together like this past weekend. Also probably sad for him too. I think it's great that you're maintaining a relationship with him, but its too tempting to use that (and the dogs) as an excuse to contact each other. LC means only talking about the kids, work, etc. Not hanging out as a family. It sucks, but it's the only way to do it. Otherwise, you're going to still be completely emotionally invested in her when the day comes that she tells you about the great guy she's met. Much, much better to have some healing behind you to soften the blow. I'm not sure this is what you wanted to hear, but I'm basing it on my own feeling going through some similar situations. I've been both the dumper and the dumpee in relationships involving the need for LC with children. Good luck.
mightycpa Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I'm getting the sense that this is not your 10-year old child. It sounds like now you've been downgraded to the status of "Big Brother", with a slightly unhealthy relationship with the parent. This will not be sustainable. I'm not sure if it is particularly healthy for the child either, given that when she does find somebody new, you're more than likely out of there.
Diezel Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 We don't go NC for to long because she wants me still actively in her sons life. I was his first father figure, his real father was gone after birth. Been in his life 5 years total. Stop talking to this woman, RIGHT NOW. Her reasons for contact are completely and absolutely selfish and are doing the kid NO GOOD either. You are NOT the parent, stop acting like one. She is your ex, move on from her, you owe HER nothing. You owe the kid NOTHING. That is not your fault that the real father is in the picture. Do what is best for your personal interests and get 100% out of this situation.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I have to respectfully disagree with you, Diezel, in part. He doesn't technically owe the boy anything, but being a part of his life for 5 years is half this kids' life. He acted the role of a parent in that time, and the two do have a parent/child relationship. And to just suddenly be absent isn't fair to him at all. I do agree that the mother is using the boy for her own gain, but that's not her son's fault. And the last thing anybody would want would be for this poor kid to somehow think that HE'S in any way responsible for he break-up, which he might if the OP just disappears suddenly. I think a gradual withdrawal would be best. But I'm not sure if your ex would allow it. I can see her using her son to keep you coming back when she gets lonely. Tough call.
marcelo.santos Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I have to respectfully disagree with you, Diezel, in part. He doesn't technically owe the boy anything, but being a part of his life for 5 years is half this kids' life. He acted the role of a parent in that time, and the two do have a parent/child relationship. I respect you opinion, but I think he should be double NC here (mother and son) - it will not be traumatic for this child to loose contact with him suddenly at this age. The mother already decided what she wants for his son - if she decided to dump his child parent (in role) she is the responsible, not him. Go double NC and see the child when you are completely healed.
Author Dmichael Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Hi Ziggy, Thanks for your response and input. It's much appreciated and everything you say does make perfect sense. Apart of me wants to let go completely, apart of me doesn't. Years of me repeating the same immature actions from being comfortable will not heal in just months for her. I can't tell you how many times she cried her self to sleep just because she wanted my affection, attention, communication, etc. I know her friends encourage to go on these dates to get over me. I believe in my heart once her resentment and anger fades, there could be a possibility of a rekindle. But I'm also not holding onto that for dear life. The child very much loves me, and likes to do everything with me. She had made comments in the past that I'm all she's known, and there could be something better, which is fair for the way I treated her. And why I'm assuming the dates, etc. As hard as it is for me, I know I'll keep seeing her son. If the day finally comes where she says, ' I've found someone ', I'll let go. At the same time, this won't keep me from living my life, I can detach. One thing I forgot to note in my story above was that, the night after dinner, my roommates were having a huge party. I couldn't sleep so I called her and asked if I could crash there. She didn't even hesitate and said yes. When I got there, there was notes that I had written her all over the house. The next morning they were put away. I'm distancing my self as far as I can, and being professional as possible about the dogs and her son. Also... She still has ALL our engagement pictures up on her FB. Which is mind boggling to me. As well as family photos on her Instagram still. Which I've blocked her on both any way. Any more insight on this? I read your other post too, and would be happy to share my female input on your situation. In a nutshell, it looks a lot to me like she's still sort of clinging to the good times you two (and three, counting her son) had, but has no intention of getting back together. If she was, she wouldn't even consider dating anyone else, and would likely not be so hot and cold with you. Like when she said that it would be fine to hang out, but then says you need to stop hanging out with her. Or when she got angry when you made a sexual reference. I remember going through the same thing with my ex-husband. I'd see him, we'd have a good time, and I'd remember that there was I good reason I had left him. Or he'd try to get too close. Either way, my reaction was to make it perfectly clear that we were NOT together, and it came across as very confusing to him, I'm sure. I'd suggest only hanging out with her son in the future. He knows the two of you aren't together anymore, and it might be confusing to HIM as well, to have you all together like this past weekend. Also probably sad for him too. I think it's great that you're maintaining a relationship with him, but its too tempting to use that (and the dogs) as an excuse to contact each other. LC means only talking about the kids, work, etc. Not hanging out as a family. It sucks, but it's the only way to do it. Otherwise, you're going to still be completely emotionally invested in her when the day comes that she tells you about the great guy she's met. Much, much better to have some healing behind you to soften the blow. I'm not sure this is what you wanted to hear, but I'm basing it on my own feeling going through some similar situations. I've been both the dumper and the dumpee in relationships involving the need for LC with children. Good luck. Edited March 23, 2015 by Dmichael
ZiggyZoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 As a mom, it breaks my heart to think of that poor boy having to suddenly cope without you in his life. I left a seven year relationship with a guy who had been basically a father to MY son, and didn't even think of my boy's need to grasp what was going on. It took him crying at school because he missed my ex so much and didn't know what had happened for me to wake up and realize that it wasn't just about me. We ended up doing a gradual stepping back with just him and my ex, until my son was ok with what had happened. He was 10 too, when this happened. So I stand by my belief that you should remove yourself from his life, but not at all overnight or suddenly. As far as your ex goes, you're in the same spot we all are, wanting it all to go back to how it was. The only advice I have for you is to go as NC as you can. No more spending the night, looking at FB, any of it. If you guys do reunite, it needs to be after a period of time (like a year) has passed, where you both assess what went wrong, and what it would take to fix it.forgive me if I'm just repeating what you know, but it is important that you realize that THIS relationship is over. Anything going forward has to be a completely new one, with the issues addressed and dealt with. And the only ONLY way to do this is to remove any of the knee-jerk "holy crap, I can't do this without her" feelings and really take a good luck at what happened when the dust has settled. You two may well decide to try again, or you may decide that it really is best to remain apart. I know how hard it is to step back and conciously let go of someone you love. But you owe it to yourself and your future happiness to do it. I feel for you, I'm so glad to be past it all myself, but I've been where you are. Finally, as for the pictures and notes and stuff...there are a couple of reasons. She may not want to answer a bunch of questions from people as to what happened. My most recent ex JUST changed his FB status from "In A Relationship" to "It's Complicated" and he dumped me in early December. A mutual friend called and told me, I've been very good about my own NC thankyouverymuch...but it drove me crazy too. And I think he did it like that to avoid mutual friends knowing what was going on. She could still be working through her residual feelings for you. It is possible after all, to care about someone without wanting to be with them. But try not to mull it all over too much, although it is tempting as hell to do so.
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