Elpida Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hello, I would really like your advice please... After I broke up with my boyfriend ( I was not in love with him, and I started to get attracted to other men), I started seeing a new guy, my friend I know for a couple of years (my previous post was about him). Now, when we are around in my place or out on a date (mind, in 3 months we had only 1 proper date - all other times, usually once per week, we are surrounded by our other friends), we have a great time – or, at least, it feels like that to me. He always holds my hand, touches my hair, stares in my eyes, and we talk a lot, about everything. We do not communicate a lot between the meetings. He does not really sends sms or emails or calls. We have great sex. He always makes sure I am comfortable and safe. He likes to stay late in the mornings to have breakfast together. He does not mind our friends notice we are seeing each other. Basically, we all meet once per week and go clubbing. Then he comes over to my place, we have great time together and then he fades again. A month ago or so I told him, though I like him, I am not interested in FWB but dating. His reply was he likes me more than just sex. Moreover, last couple of weeks I noticed that, while still being very affectionate in person, he started to pay much less attention to me in our group. He flirts with other girls. Ok, I flirt with guys too but purely in a friendly way. He mentions the possibility of a next date but does not make plans – or sometimes just fades away. He does not always go to the events he knows I am going to, like he was doing before. I know he mentioned me as the “girl he likes” to his colleagues though I suspect that was more than a month ago. Then, just recently, he said to one of our friends that he likes a girl – but did not mention a name. I am not sure it is me... I have to admit I was acting a bit pushy and initiated most of our sms/ emails exchanges. And I tried to suggest to spend more time together, just the two of us. He agrees in principal but we never really had a proper second date, just the two of us. He knows I like him. I fear that I am too predictable for him and too available. I fear that I chase him too much though I never show my anger or annoyance or ask him why he does not contact me more often etc. The situation makes me upset and makes me feel uncomfortable and being not good enough, a “back up” girl. I guess, I am indeed a FWB for him. Please help me to decide how to proceed – just stop initiating anything and saying anything and step back to give him chance to chase me once again, or have a final conversation, tell him that either he actually dates me or I will stop seeing him altogether. Thank you very much!
PegNosePete Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 You need to have an adult conversation and express your requirements for a future relationship. If he is on a different page then it's time to move on.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Stop having sex with him to prove that he likes you. Obviously, since you guys have no title, you are a 'FWB'. There are just way too many red flags- - he doesnt initiate contact - he flirts with other girls - you guys have sex when you are not gf/bf Even if you like him, you already shown him you are an easy person to get with.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 If a man is independent and has things going on in his life, he's not going to want to have text sessions or chat on the phone. If he's making dates with you and present/in the moment with you in person, that is what matters. The fact that you admit to being pushy, reaching out constantly, etc is probably what's turning the guy off and making him seek other options. You weren't secure enough is what you guys had in person. 1
Assada Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Youre prettyinsecure OP. not good. First of all, if you dont know what you are. Tellhim that you 2 are going steady now, that you dont just have sex like that... I think he already knows that. this dude sounds like a regular guy, you just sound insecure
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I do think it sounds like his interest in your is waning and probably because of another girl. If I were you I'd just hang in there, keep seeing other people, keep being friendly and see if he comes back around.
Author Elpida Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thank you very much for your messages.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I admit I am insecure but I’ve been working on this for thelast year or so and I was hoping I made a good progress – looks like not thatmuch though.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I just really like that guy, and yes, I am also very temptedto have sex with him – but then when he is around, he is so caring andattentive, he talks about dates and future plans, and I start trusting himagain... then he fades till next time he comes over....[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I am perhaps pushy as I suggested a date a couple of times,and initiated contact by sms or email few times but nothing else really. Now Ibacked off completely, maybe this will help.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I guess I should stick to my choice and stop having sex withhim unless he properly asks me out [/sIZE][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]- ifnot, then move on and hopefully learn the painful lesson.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author Elpida Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Thank you very much for your messages. I admit I am insecure but I’ve been working on this for thelast year or so and I was hoping I made a good progress – looks like not thatmuch though. I just really like that guy, and yes, I am also very temptedto have sex with him – but then when he is around, he is so caring andattentive, he talks about dates and future plans, and I start trusting himagain... then he fades till next time he comes over I am perhaps pushy as I suggested a date a couple of times,and initiated contact by sms or email few times but nothing else really. Now Ibacked off completely, maybe this will help I guess I should stick to my choice and stop having sex withhim unless he properly asks me out - if not, then move on and hopefully learn the painful lesson.
Author Elpida Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Sorry for the message above, something went wrong when I posted it .
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Have you had a conversation with him? Or are you just going to play passive/aggressive?
katiegrl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 If a man is independent and has things going on in his life, he's not going to want to have text sessions or chat on the phone. If he's making dates with you and present/in the moment with you in person, that is what matters. The fact that you admit to being pushy, reaching out constantly, etc is probably what's turning the guy off and making him seek other options. You weren't secure enough is what you guys had in person. But he doesn't make dates with her and is not present in the moment...and never was. They have never even had a second date! They are always in a group setting, during which he ignores her and flirts with other girls. Then they go home and have sex. Nice! OP, if you are not happy being his f**k buddy, then STOP being his f**k buddy. Tell him this isn't working for you, and walk away quietly. When you see him at your group functions, be cordial but don't engage. That's what I would do anyway....
Author Elpida Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 When we just met, I told him I do not want FWB but dating (I never mentioned marriage, kids etc or pressurised him in a similar way), and if he wants just casual sex, we should not see each other. He said he likes me more than just for sex, and that is when we had our first proper (and great) date. Then we met few times in my place, and though I gave few hints about activities we could enjoy together outside the bedroom, and he agreed in theory, nothing really happened. We do meet at least once per week as a part of our group, and do various things, but there are always few more people. And then we go to my place. So I could either talk to him yet again - or say/do nothing and see if he starts paying more effort if he does not have me around. I do not think it is a good idea if I keep asking him out, is not it?
katiegrl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) When we just met, I told him I do not want FWB but dating (I never mentioned marriage, kids etc or pressurised him in a similar way), and if he wants just casual sex, we should not see each other. He said he likes me more than just for sex, and that is when we had our first proper (and great) date. Then we met few times in my place, and though I gave few hints about activities we could enjoy together outside the bedroom, and he agreed in theory, nothing really happened. We do meet at least once per week as a part of our group, and do various things, but there are always few more people. And then we go to my place. So I could either talk to him yet again - or say/do nothing and see if he starts paying more effort if he does not have me around. I do not think it is a good idea if I keep asking him out, is not it? Yes, definitely stop asking him out! DEFINITELY! I mean what's the point? It's never gonna happen so why bother asking? And, nevermind what he "says" ... what are his ACTIONS telling you? From everything you have written, they tell me he considers you f**k buddy and nothing more. Even friends (FWB's) go OUT and do things together occasionally and despite your attempts to do so, it's NEVER happened. What does all this tell you? No don't "talk" to him, he won't care. Just walk away and try to forget about him. Go no contact, and you will eventually... You can't "make" a man have feelings for you when they were never there in the first place. This guy only wants one thing from you, and always has, and I think you know what that is. Just walk away. I'm sorry. Edited March 24, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Men are so simple. When they meet a girl that they are really into, a man will: - make regular dates (yes they expect the girl to initiate SOME of the texts/phone calls/dates but not ALL of them:sick:) - they initiate one on one, romantic dates - outside the bedroom (men do want to be able to generally introduce girlfriends to friends but they certainly don't limit your get togethers to "hang outs" with friends, or nights out that end up with you in bed) - men who are really into the idea of dating you and only you - tend to make it known, and you don't have to even guess. The men who 100% had their heart set on dating only me - NEVER had me guessing after a week or month or two months:sick: Look, the truth is, you are on here asking this question because the guy just isn't into you, which is precisely why you "have to ask" in the first place.
Author Elpida Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Thank you. Ouch. I guess you are right - I was aware of the red flags straight from the beginning, I just did not want to see them... I never had to ask questions about attention or intentions of my ex boyfriend - he was clearly "into" me. Pity I did not share his feelings. Next few weeks will be difficult but I will try to be strong and cut him off. Thank you!
Author Elpida Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Hello, A quick update on my post. I tried to be strong and did not contact him for 2 weeks or so though I was missing him a lot... It is difficult to forget him as we meet all together at least once a week, and every time I see him, I want to have him back... but I think I did not show I was hurt or asked him what is wrong etc. He seemed to be in a bad mood and rather quiet while watching me. Yesterday we had lunch together with few friends. He was sick but stayed till all left. On the way to the tube he asked if I enjoyed our date. I thought I misunderstood him as it was not a date at all! We got talking and I asked him, calmly, without tears, if we are over. He said he cannot give me what I want - love and relationship. He also said sometimes we all feel lonely and that is a part of why he was seeing me. Ouch. That hurt the most I think... Then we said goodbyes and went different directions on the tube. It is so difficult to accept it is over, and not to push it, not to push him, not to say yes next time we are together and he is feeling lonely so to speak. I deleted his No from my phone and maybe I will try not to join my friends for a while, to give me time to get over him and not to be tempted to flirt with him and get hurt again and again. I should have stopped in the very begininning, I should have never listened to his promises and paid more attention to the red flags... Thank you for reading, you know how crushing it feels....
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