Toodaloo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I know what I need to do. I guess I just need a great boot up the backside to do it. The separated chap I was seeing last year... Long story short. Very beginning of last year, I split with my ex, his wife booted him out. We do charity work together during the summer, along with his daughter. Known him and daughter for a number of years. Briefly had a fling last summer, can't even call it a relationship. no sex but close to. He went "radio silence" on premise of "messed up head". Tried to get back together with wife, who just upped the anti on being vile to him. mean while I start moving on (he has told me not to wait for him so I am listening with my ears not my fantasy land ideas). Every now and then over the winter our paths cross. This weekend we ended up spending a great evening together at the "marital home". His ex is away and left his daughter in charge of children... Don't ask. We both turned up to help her. Was a fantastic evening. Nothing major, just watching a film and messing about with the kids. Then he sneakily touched my bottom, the way he used to when we were "what ever it was we were doing". I admit I was flirtatious back in a childish way, as we used to be, and flashed at him which made him giggle and claim he didn't see to make me do it again... It was relaxed, fun and a great evening. After all the children had gone to bed, I said good night, explained why his daughter was acting up (she was struggling with some things that had happened recently and mis-interpreted his actions) and we hugged. A hug instigated by him. He cupped my head in his hands and pulled me into him, not as friends would but as lovers would. Kiss on the cheek and I leave. I know I was mean to him. I told him he was worth more and better than what was happening and to make himself some boundaries to stop himself from being abused by his wife the way he is. But he just said "I know" and carried on hugging me. Next day he cops a strop with his daughter. I am now not to take her out to practice driving in her car. Neither of her parents have the time so I offered as we go places anyway so she can drive us... makes sense. I try to ring and find out why. Radio silence again. Bear in mind that his daughter does not know about our dalliance. She talks about stuff and I just remain as impartial and supportive to her as possible. This has happened before. In January we went to a concert, he was on top of the world and really happy and then refused to speak to anyone, threw a tantrum and was vile to everyone. His friends do not know about what happened but they are aware of my existence after he took me out to meet them... Another disaster as after inviting me he basically ignored me, didn't introduce me, so I introduced myself and ended up having a fantastic night out with them while he stomped off home in a strop. I admit it. I was sobbing my heart out last night. Full on, snot down face, can't find a tissue absorbent enough, sobbing... I miss him. It really is that simple. He leaves a blinking great big hole that no amount of plaster boards and bricks can fill back in. The whole thing has really knocked the stuffing out of me. Again. In 2 weeks time our charity work starts for the summer. I have no idea how to behave around him. I have half decided to just ignore him and get on with it. I can just turn up on time, do my thing and leave straight away after. After her birthday meal being a disaster I am taking his daughter out with a couple of her friends later next week. We do loads of stuff together so this shouldn't be a problem. I know this is toxic. I know it needs to stop. He is not "available". He is not mine. I guess I am just feeling completely and utterly forlorn and empty. Preach my own words back to me. Its getting harder to remember them at the moment... Thanks guys. Hope you doing better than this.
Itspointless Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 He sounds like a vampire, luring you in to drink your blood. You should start caring about you. I know easily said ... 1
BlueIris Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, “vampire” is a good word for it. He doesn’t make you and your life happier, stronger, more positive. Not then. Not now. He is not one for you. 1
spiderowl Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 He's married and willing to cheat on his wife and kiss his ex affair partner in the same house that his daughter is in. This is not a good guy! I know you feel drawn to him and I know how painful that is, but don't you deserve someone better? He is hedging his bets, trying not to upset his wife while having you respond to him whenever he sees you. I wish you could see him for what he is, a cheat who would make use of you when it suits him and if he could get away with it. 2
Author Toodaloo Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 He's married and willing to cheat on his wife and kiss his ex affair partner in the same house that his daughter is in. This is not a good guy! I know you feel drawn to him and I know how painful that is, but don't you deserve someone better? He is hedging his bets, trying not to upset his wife while having you respond to him whenever he sees you. I wish you could see him for what he is, a cheat who would make use of you when it suits him and if he could get away with it. They were already separated when we had our thing. So yes, he is still married but no they will not be getting back together. That relationship is going to end in divorce one way or another. Wife is sleeping around. He doesn't know the extent of it but there are lots of men there... She has no intention of ever having him back. I do however agree with you that he is stringing me along and drawing me back in... A friend came round last night and caught me in tears. I did an impression of a fisherman drawing in a fish on a line and she just looked at me and said "you know it"... Yes I do deserve better. Thank you! Vampire is another great one. I do feel like he has bled me dry much of the time. Thanks for being gentle with me. I was expecting more of a kick. 2
spiderowl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 They were already separated when we had our thing. So yes, he is still married but no they will not be getting back together. That relationship is going to end in divorce one way or another. Wife is sleeping around. He doesn't know the extent of it but there are lots of men there... She has no intention of ever having him back. I do however agree with you that he is stringing me along and drawing me back in... A friend came round last night and caught me in tears. I did an impression of a fisherman drawing in a fish on a line and she just looked at me and said "you know it"... Yes I do deserve better. Thank you! Vampire is another great one. I do feel like he has bled me dry much of the time. Thanks for being gentle with me. I was expecting more of a kick. It's really hard when one part of you is drawn towards a guy and the other is being reasonable and saying this is not a good idea. You are literally fighting an internal battle with two forces pulling in different directions. The unconscious one has more power because it can take you by surprise. I don't know, maybe there is a way to resolve such an internal battle other than just by willpower. We know that willpower doesn't usually work very well.
Author Toodaloo Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 It's really hard when one part of you is drawn towards a guy and the other is being reasonable and saying this is not a good idea. You are literally fighting an internal battle with two forces pulling in different directions. The unconscious one has more power because it can take you by surprise. I don't know, maybe there is a way to resolve such an internal battle other than just by willpower. We know that willpower doesn't usually work very well. If you find what that is please let me know! This guy is not good for me. He leaves me confused and feeling very empty and alone. I also hate the way he is great for a short time then an absolute arse for ages just after. I need to stop this somehow. Mostly I have got by on sheer determination and will power but those damned touches have me every single time. Perhaps that is the answer. Just don't ever let him touch me.
Itspointless Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 If you find what that is please let me know! This guy is not good for me. He leaves me confused and feeling very empty and alone. I also hate the way he is great for a short time then an absolute arse for ages just after. I need to stop this somehow. Mostly I have got by on sheer determination and will power but those damned touches have me every single time. Perhaps that is the answer. Just don't ever let him touch me. Hi Toodaloo, spiderowl does not to answer anymore, without knowing you answered yourself. this this quote. maybe there is a way to resolve such an internal battle other than just by willpower. We know that willpower doesn't usually work very well. Your unconscious already knows about the attraction and the danger he presents having went through it (at least twice). Just as your conscience is aware of both. There is no willpower needed to being careful to avoid him being an arse. There just is the feeling of disappointment you have to deal with and the tiring question what draws you to him. There is willpower needed to face those feelings, but they are with it to explore.
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