What am I doing to myself

[lovesickpuppy]

Okay, I caved. I called him today, asked to see him and he's coming over later.

I don't know what I'm expecting to get from this.

I don't even know what I want.

I don't know what I'm going to say, I don't know what's going to happen.

I guess the harsh reality is, I want him to come over, and we pretend like we haven't split up and cuddle and forget everything and just get back together.

It's not even that simple though. This would be the 3rd time we tried if we did, I don't even deserve this but I just want him so bad.

I'm so weak. I regret this and yet I am so excited to see him.

Tomorrow I'll be full of regret and so upset and depressed and back to square one.

I don't know what to say I'm just expressing my inner ramblings. My friends aren't around I can't speak to them about this.

I just don't know what I'm going to say.

What am I expecting? Okay, fine he comes over I tell him what I think of him..then what?

It won't change that he's decided he doesn't want to be with me because he's confused. It won't change any outcome.

What am I doing to myself

I know you're all going to tell me to cancel and just move on but its easily said and not as easily done.

I'm having such a weak day. What the hell have I done.

I've broken my no contact, I've broken the fact that I looked strong and unphased by his actions.

I'm just an idiot.

Why can't he see how good he has it with me? Why isn't it enough?

Why does he want to be single? Why am I not good enough?

I didn't do anything to him, and yet I'm the one that can't let go, I'm the one that is on a night out crying in a toilet because I miss him, I'm the one feeling so worthless, so dorgettavle, so weak, so unattractive and so alone.

Please help me.

And yet..only I can help myself.

I can't stop crying.

I'm so desperate I just want to be able to say something and everything be okay?

I want my boyfriend back, I want to go back to the start.

I need to him to realise what a fool he is and how good he has it with me and yet I cant.

Nothing I do will change this.

I just have to move on..and yet I don't want to.

I want to tell him I've got with lots of people and make him jealous, I want to tell him how great I am..and yet right now im none of those things.

I'm weak, I'm enotional and I feel like I need him.

Please someone, please please help me. I'm so desperate.

[jus d'orange]

First of all, I can see that your mind is racing. You're feeling intensely weak and excited at the same time.

 

You're right; the recommendation is to cancel. But not just to cancel.

 

What you're going to do is send him a message saying you actually need to be on your own, have space, and heal. That if he doesn't want a relationship, then that's his decision, but that you need space.

 

Then, you're going to stay in bed, cry as much as you need, call a friend or family member who'll be supportive and rant about it a bit, watch a film, eat some of your favourite food. Do whatever you want and need to make yourself feel comfortable and calm. This craziness in your head will pass.

 

It's okay that you broke contact. We all make mistakes. But there is still time here to not let this mistake grow out of hand. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you should make a bigger one. Cancel now. Post here all day if you need to. But he's NOT going to change his mind -- the only thing that you will accomplish when he comes over is you will put yourself through a world of hurt and simultaneously push him further away and show yourself to be weak.

 

Go ahead now. Send him the message. Cancel the meeting for tonight, then cut all contact with him. If he changes his mind, he'll REALLY let you know. This is like an addiction at the moment; you have to stay away from him because any good feelings you get will just make the dropoff worse...

[lovesickpuppy]

Thank you for your reply, but honestly I'm not strong enough to cancel.

I feel like I need to see him one last time, I need him to hold me, I need to hear all of this rubbish that is going to come out of his mouth.

Even though I know I'm going to feel like rubbish, I need it.

I don't know what is going on with me.

I know what I need to do but I just do not have the strength.

I don't know why I'm asking for help, it's all falling on deaf ears.

No-one is getting through to me.

Nothing can take this pain away. I feel so angry and so cut up and so heartbroken and so confused.

I keep thinking cancel, and then I think no don't you need to see him you need the harsh truth, then you'll move on.

How many times do I have to hear he doesn't want me before I register it?

I hate myself so much right now.

[Twigyy]

I know how you feel.. When my ex said her last words before I went full NC I asked if we could hang out normally for the last time and she said okay, which was a bad decision . Four days before that day I sent her a text. "I don't think we should see each other anymore. Lets cancel the meeting." I knew that she will never change her mind, and it will only give me false hope if I see her happy. I also realised that she dumped me and got herself another guy in two weeks, why should I bring her out and make her happy? Nothing will be good for me anyways. No point wanting someone who throws you away like yesterday's newspaper.

 

Do think about it again. You don't want to slow down your own healing. He is not in your life anymore. You are more important than anyone else. You don't want to do this as it might push him away. If you really have things to say just write it down. The more you tell him about the relationship the more needy you look to him. You said that you want him to realise what a fool he is, so the coolest thing to do is to let him go, disappear from his life. He will then slowly realise what he has lost, your hugs, kisses, and everything. If he really loved you, even if he looks happy, he will have to live without forgiveness from you, and guilt, which s**ks. If he doesn't love you that much that he feels that way I don't think if he ever comes back it will last very long anyways.

 

Allow yourself to cry once in a while, but don't stay at the same spot. Heal and make yourself better. Stay strong lad!

[jus d'orange]

You absolutely do not need it.

 

More pain does not bring an end to the pain, it simply prolongs it. It hasn't gotten through because that's how the heart works. Even though I haven't heard from my ex in 6 weeks or something, my heart is still longing to hear from her. Even though she told me she doesn't want a relationship, is a long way away, may never live near me ever again, and due to the lack of contact seems pretty happy with her decision, I'm still wasting time thinking about it.

 

BUT I'm not contacting her! Because I know logically it's over, even if my heart doesn't. You've simply got to wait through that.

 

Seeing him today will set you back, not forward. The pain will intensify. You'll end up second guessing what you did when he came over for "the last time." You'll think that maybe if you'd said something different it would've changed.

 

Or you guys will cuddle together, act like you're in love again, and then he'll leave anyway and you'll be left with even MORE conflicting signs. This won't bring him back, it won't make him reconsider -- all it will do is lengthen and deepen your pain, guaranteed.

 

My absolute strongest recommendation is that you find the strength in yourself NOW to cancel this, or get a friend to do it for you. But if you fail to do that, we'll be here for you when this sets you back, which it will in a shockingly horrible way that you seem incapable of imagining at this moment.

[lovesickpuppy]

I've gathered the strength from both of your posts to realise that this isn't the right thing to do and I'm only making this worse for myself and easier for him to walk away.

Problem now is he owes me money, and is presumably now on his way as I can't get an answer on his home phone and this is the only way to contact him.

So now, I don't want to see him and I'm going to have to to get my money back...

Well I've just really shot myself in the foot.

My plan is to get my money, reassert my strength and tell him to get gone so I can find someone that knows I'm a good girl.

Good?

[Twigyy]

I think you should leave a message telling him to leave the money at your door, then send you a text, as there is no need to see him. You don't have to tell him anything. You don't owe him anything.

[lovesickpuppy]

He has no phone for me to leave a message on. His home phone doesn't have a voicemail feature anyway.

It's got to happen, whether I like it or not. I'm going to go into this, I'm not going to cry, im going to be a big girl, grow up, take my money and walk away.

[Twigyy]

Do reply on this post when it happened.

[Karin2rinkashi]

He has no phone for me to leave a message on. His home phone doesn't have a voicemail feature anyway.

It's got to happen, whether I like it or not. I'm going to go into this, I'm not going to cry, im going to be a big girl, grow up, take my money and walk away.

 

 

If you want tooooo destroy my sweateeeeeer.....

 

Hold this thread as i walk awaaaayyyy..... AS I WALK AWAYYY!!!

[jus d'orange]

He has no phone for me to leave a message on. His home phone doesn't have a voicemail feature anyway.

It's got to happen, whether I like it or not. I'm going to go into this, I'm not going to cry, im going to be a big girl, grow up, take my money and walk away.

 

Do exactly this. Say nothing emotional; he doesn't deserve that. Keep that part of yourself to you, because he had the chance at it and he missed it. He owes you the money so collect your debt and then say "thanks, bye." Just like that!

 

You're doing great! Good on you to find the strength to get through this.

[na49]

Have you considered talking to a professional about how you're feeling? It can seriously help. As far as your decision to ask him to come over, you made your bed, so you might as well sleep in it. Go through with meeting him, try to hold your composure I guess, and see what happens. You might get the ending you want, or you might not.

[BC1980]

I know you want to see him one last time, but the problem is that it's never enough. There's always one more time, one more thing to say. You're right that it is easier said than done, but, at some point, you have to get into the mindset that you are just going to do it. You have to push through the bad parts in the beginning and not give in at the slightest hint of feeling bad.

[ZiggyZoo]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/312315-road-happiness-4-months#post6190020

 

I'm putting this here so you can gain some strength from the best possible source-yourself. I see you took some inspiration from your words earlier this month too. I find it always helps me to remember what I've been through, and how much stronger it has made me. This guy isn't the guy for you, and you've been here before. And, as you can read, you've come through it before beautifully.

 

You know you can do NC, and move on. Start over tomorrow, you've got this!

[lovesickpuppy]

Thanks for all your replies. Wish I'd been reading them instead of this...

I definitely did make my bed and lie in it.

We spent the night and day together, it was exactly like we were back together, hand holding, pet name calling, saying how he's missed me, my kisses etc.

All over me, cuddling, kissing, holding me so tight..

And yes, it's left me confused.

I said to him 'so I guess after this we'll never speak again'

And his reply was 'well, the reality of it is, it's too hard not speaking to each other'

I didn't know what to say.

I'm still here, with him..

I don't know what my next move should be..probing, asking what is this, what are we doing, shall we work this out?

Or just leaving, and of course balling my eyes out at what I've done to myself..returning back to stage one of my recovery.

Loveshackers, why can't I grab a hold of myself and let this go

I'm so confused by his actions.

[BC1980]

You make it more complicated than it is. He wants the benefits of the relationship without the commitment.

[lovesickpuppy]

Okay, update...

He wants to get back together...

I've agreed, and I do feel happier that we are back together..

But now I'm just worried that another couple of months and he's going to do the same thing again.

We haven't had much of a talk about it since I've got to get a flight now, we will be meeting on Thursday to talk this through properly.

I know I need to come up with conditions for this to work.

I can't let this happen again.

Thank you for your support everyone.

[BC1980]

Okay, update...

He wants to get back together...

I've agreed, and I do feel happier that we are back together..

But now I'm just worried that another couple of months and he's going to do the same thing again.

We haven't had much of a talk about it since I've got to get a flight now, we will be meeting on Thursday to talk this through properly.

I know I need to come up with conditions for this to work.

I can't let this happen again.

Thank you for your support everyone.

 

So this will be the 3rd time you are trying to make this work. I'd be shocked if it worked this time around. I can understand a 2nd chance, but I really feel that you are just cycling into more dysfunction after that. I'd be so anxious that he would do the same thing again because the trust is broken. I really think you should cut and run while you still can.

[DatingDirection]

Thanks for all your replies. Wish I'd been reading them instead of this...

I definitely did make my bed and lie in it.

We spent the night and day together, it was exactly like we were back together, hand holding, pet name calling, saying how he's missed me, my kisses etc.

All over me, cuddling, kissing, holding me so tight..

And yes, it's left me confused.

I said to him 'so I guess after this we'll never speak again'

And his reply was 'well, the reality of it is, it's too hard not speaking to each other'

I didn't know what to say.

I'm still here, with him..

I don't know what my next move should be..probing, asking what is this, what are we doing, shall we work this out?

Or just leaving, and of course balling my eyes out at what I've done to myself..returning back to stage one of my recovery.

Loveshackers, why can't I grab a hold of myself and let this go

I'm so confused by his actions.

 

I'm nervous for you, omg. You must be a STRONG WOMAN! Get a hold of yourself, and your emotions, and DRAW THE LINE! If I were you, I would, set him straight! AND PLAY HARDBALL, SAY, LISTEN BUDDY, YOU EITHER WANT TO BE WITH ME, AND WE'RE TOGETHER, OR YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH ME, AND WE DONT SPEAK EVER AGAIN. THEN, DO NOT SEE OR CONTACT HIM, UNTIL HE HAS MADE A CHOICE. AND BY YOU NOT SEEING HIM OR SPEAKING TO HIM, UNTIL HE HAS MADE A DECISION WILL SHOW HIM THAT YOU RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES, AND YOU ARE TRUE TO YOUR HEART BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, AND HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO, HE CAN'T HAVE BOTH, AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO WOMAN UP, AND SET HIM STRAIGHT, DO IT NOW. But that's just me. good luck.

[DatingDirection]

Just to add, I know, how hard it is to set boundaries, especially with someone you love so much, and who you want to love you back in the same way. I know what it's like to look at a man, and feel as though he is the most beautiful man you have ever seen, and the most charming and charismatic, and romantic man you ever dreamed of meeting. and I know what it's like to feel as though, there will never be another man, who you will love like that, ever again...it took me 3 years to stop crying over my ex, and start living my life truly free and happy with myself, not by my self, WITH MYSELF. let me tell you, the feeling of relief, and the pain in my heart being gone, it gives me a bigger high knowning that I survived that pain, and I was strong enough to forget and move on, even being single today. I've met many charming and sweet, and cute guys ever since. but I am also more aware of what it is specifically that makes a great loving relationship work, yes there must be passion, and chemistry, but there also needs to be mental connection, in all areas, and first and formost self love, and once you love your self, and know thy self 100%, you will meet your reflection, be it this guy, or someone else. YOU WILL SURVIVE, I PROMISE.

[DatingDirection]

Carefully. Lol. You two got back together! That's great. There is nothing wrong with love, the world needs more love. With that the world needs more trust, trust is earned not given, it's hard to earn, and hard to keep. It's presious. So really, trust your vibes, and go with what makes your soul at peace, and you will always win, if you know what i mean.

[Satu]

To be honest, I don't think it's love. I think it's an unhealthy and dysfunctional attachment.

[DatingDirection]

To be honest, I don't think it's love. I think it's an unhealthy and dysfunctional attachment.

 

If this is the case, honey save yourself time and the pain of letting go after years, and just let go now.

[BC1980]

To be honest, I don't think it's love. I think it's an unhealthy and dysfunctional attachment.

 

I think he enjoys pulling OP's strings. It's a power trip for him because he knows he can do what he wants, and she will be there waiting each time. He's stringing her along until he finds someone else. OP, this makes me sad. Don't you realize how much control he has over you?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for all your replies. Wish I'd been reading them instead of this...

I definitely did make my bed and lie in it.

We spent the night and day together, it was exactly like we were back together, hand holding, pet name calling, saying how he's missed me, my kisses etc.

All over me, cuddling, kissing, holding me so tight..

And yes, it's left me confused.

I said to him 'so I guess after this we'll never speak again'

And his reply was 'well, the reality of it is, it's too hard not speaking to each other'

I didn't know what to say.

I'm still here, with him..

I don't know what my next move should be..probing, asking what is this, what are we doing, shall we work this out?

Or just leaving, and of course balling my eyes out at what I've done to myself..returning back to stage one of my recovery.

Loveshackers, why can't I grab a hold of myself and let this go

I'm so confused by his actions.

 

His actions are simple. You're an easy mark, so why would he give that up? You chased after him, you initiated this encounter, you're playing along with the kissing and cuddling. He thinks that you are obviously ok with being a friends with benefits because you are accepting of all of this.

 

You're going down a dark and drama-filled road because you won't accept the reality of the situation. And until you do, this is going to be your new normal.

 

And I just read that you "got back together". You didn't. He basically said what he needed to say to dupe you into giving him options. This isn't going to last.