Diezel Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I am ready to bet he will give me the 'I am not that ready for a relationship after all' speech. Can you just let things happen, for once? Regardless of negative or positive?
Author Gaeta Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Can you just let things happen, for once? Regardless of negative or positive? If I had let things happened I would have spent another 5 days thinking I am investing in a man with potential while he was preparing his exit. I've just speed up the end by bringing the subject up which is good. The sooner he ends it the faster I'll be working on my next project.
Author Gaeta Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 What do you mean by project? lol, project = prospect = next man in line.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 What do you mean by project? I think she may mean her next prospect or date, but I'm not entirely sure if that's what she meant. .
edgygirl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Ugh... why is it that ALL men seem so giddy in the beginning and then after a few dates start to cool off? But perhaps it's not something bad, he just wants to talk about your dating status... He just replied to my text: 'There is something I wanted to talk about, I will call you this afternoon' What did I say! when we feel a shift it's rarely in our imagination.
rester Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm pretty sure you're not trying to rush into a relationship, but it does sound like you're trying to rush the whole process of getting to know someone. You either want to know you're moving forward or you want to bail right away. You're getting to be hyper-sensitive to red/orange/yellow/chartreuse flags when they don't necessarily mean much yet. I can't say that I wouldn't be the same way after three active years of dating, but it's only been a week and three dates. Is it possible to go with it for another couple weeks and not worry about him browsing OLD or him taking down his profile? I kinda want to shake you and tell you to chill the F out. If I had let things happened I would have spent another 5 days thinking I am investing in a man with potential while he was preparing his exit. I've just speed up the end by bringing the subject up which is good. The sooner he ends it the faster I'll be working on my next project. Do you think you might be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, though? You have been treating him like this isn't going to go anywhere, so it probably won't be going anywhere. I could be wrong, but the thought comes to mind. I don't understand why you need to rush through to your next guy so quickly. 1
Author Gaeta Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 I don't understand why you need to rush through to your next guy so quickly. Because I have been looking for a very long long time and I met many many men. I am looking forward to meet someone genuine. I have been single for 10 years. I got plenty of time to take care of myself, spend time on myself, spend money on myself, challenge myself, I am bored my life is about me.
GemmaUK Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Because I have been looking for a very long long time and I met many many men. I am looking forward to meet someone genuine. I have been single for 10 years. I got plenty of time to take care of myself, spend time on myself, spend money on myself, challenge myself, I am bored my life is about me. You were with a guy for 6 months or so last year, that isn't being single for 10 years. I have to agree with Rester to some degree here, you're al ready for the bad stuff but also seeming to ignore the things you did to make him get totally confused about your interest in him.
Bobbi7 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Because people that use online sites are damn picky and think even though they met an awesome person and had an amazing time, its not good enough and think they will meet someone "better" than her/him with just a click of a button.
BlackHat Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I am ready to bet he will give me the 'I am not that ready for a relationship after all' speech. Looks that way. You see, men love meeting sites because its like going to a bar where you don't need to spend a cent AND you know exactly which angle you need to work at to get women to bed in no time. It's the promised land that all men were waiting for since the feminist movement took hold. So what I usually do is: 1. Locate the hot but needy ones. 2. Be exactly as she expected me to be, based on reading between the lines of what she wrote in her profile. 3. When she realizes that my favorite color is red and not blue like her ex, and I like cats and not dogs like her ex, and that my favorite movie is "coincidentally' the one she wrote in her profile, two dirty martinis later...well, you know the deal. But then its time for the next one, so "we need to talk". My advice? Take it for what is worth, good times and that's it. Go get your next guy! 1
Author Gaeta Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 You were with a guy for 6 months or so last year, that isn't being single for 10 years. I have to agree with Rester to some degree here, you're al ready for the bad stuff but also seeming to ignore the things you did to make him get totally confused about your interest in him. A 6 month relationship is a drop in the ocean. I am not ignoring the things I have done to confuse him. I recognize I sent mixed signals with his exclusivity question but I don't think it's the problem. I still gave him a lot of attention and affection and I've never once in 2 weeks showed myself online just to show he had all my attention. If he had kept up with communications and had said he wants to talk about things I would have concluded it's about our status but the fact he completely dropped the ball, to me it indicates he simply lost interest for whatever reasons. It's just one of those big fire that dies right away. 1
autumnnight Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 A few days ago we were talking about the topic people being intimate right away versus waiting for a bit. I told him for a woman, getting close to a man and than finding him still browsing online is very frustrating and disappointing. He replied he was not that kind of man. Yesterday I had a friend over, I was helping him create a profile on pof. He saw my face change and asked why, I said I just saw G online the morning of having a date with him. My friend said to dump him. Not because he's online but because he said one thing and does another. I don't think it's worth dumping him, my friend is just being protective, but it raises some questioning in me. This was a passive aggressive way of asking for exclusivity. You basically trapped him into "lying." And it may not be lying. Maybe he is going there to see if YOU have been online. You just don't know unless you stop hemming and hawing and just TALK. And this: He kept his hands to himself If you are talking every day and have been on lots of dates in a short amount of time and the above is still an expectation of yours, then the poor guy may be getting frustrated. I don't mean you have to sleep with him, but at least there should be SOME hands.
autumnnight Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Looks that way. You see, men love meeting sites because its like going to a bar where you don't need to spend a cent AND you know exactly which angle you need to work at to get women to bed in no time. It's the promised land that all men were waiting for since the feminist movement took hold. So what I usually do is: 1. Locate the hot but needy ones. 2. Be exactly as she expected me to be, based on reading between the lines of what she wrote in her profile. 3. When she realizes that my favorite color is red and not blue like her ex, and I like cats and not dogs like her ex, and that my favorite movie is "coincidentally' the one she wrote in her profile, two dirty martinis later...well, you know the deal. But then its time for the next one, so "we need to talk". My advice? Take it for what is worth, good times and that's it. Go get your next guy! Are you SURE you've never had to escape from behind the iron curtain or anything? lol
Shining One Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Ugh... why is it that ALL men seem so giddy in the beginning and then after a few dates start to cool off?I do this when I'm confused about where things are going or I feel like we're not making any progress forward. If a woman is giving me conflicting signals (similar to what Gaeta did here), I get confused and I back away until I figure out what's going on. If I keep going on dates with a woman and I feel like I'm just hanging out with a friend who I pay for, then I cool off and back away. If things are clear and moving forward, I'm more enthusiastic. 1
Author Gaeta Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 I do this when I'm confused about where things are going or I feel like we're not making any progress forward. If a woman is giving me conflicting signals (similar to what Gaeta did here), I get confused and I back away until I figure out what's going on. If I keep going on dates with a woman and I feel like I'm just hanging out with a friend who I pay for, then I cool off and back away. If things are clear and moving forward, I'm more enthusiastic. Sending mixed signals over a month I understand a man gets tired but over 1 week? How much progress do you want in 1 week? I asked for a couple of dates before sex not even 1 month. He said he understood I needed to make sure of my feelings. I said it's not a matter of feelings, I already know I like him, I just want to get to know him over a few dates. * When he came over to my place he told me 'I am so ready for this, to invest my self in a relationship * When I was at his place he told me: Sometimes I wonder if I can handle a relationship with everything going on and my daughter's shared custody
Shining One Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Sending mixed signals over a month I understand a man gets tired but over 1 week? How much progress do you want in 1 week? I asked for a couple of dates before sex not even 1 month. He said he understood I needed to make sure of my feelings. I said it's not a matter of feelings, I already know I like him, I just want to get to know him over a few dates. * When he came over to my place he told me 'I am so ready for this, to invest my self in a relationship * When I was at his place he told me: Sometimes I wonder if I can handle a relationship with everything going on and my daughter's shared custodyYour situation is somewhat unique in that you had three dates in that one week. I personally don't expect much progress or three dates in the first week. Perhaps the condensed time frame is adding to the confusion.
MissBee Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 This man has everything on my list of wishes (so far). In my mind I wanted to meet a man that was funny, stable, attentive, considerate, articulate, interesting, fit and handsome and I met him!! He contacts me on daily basis, he takes interest in my day, he remembers everything I say. We had 3 dates in the past 7 days. He kept his hands to himself, he insisted on paying each time. He offers his help when he sees a need. He makes short terms plans with me. On our last date he asked: So, are we like seeing each other? To me it sounded like he was confirming we are dating, what do you think? He even told his 10 yo daughter about me and showed her my pictures and asked her if she'd be ok with meeting me one day. Where is the catch? He is online on daily basis. Last night we went to a movie, he invited me over to his place after, I left at midnight. Sure enough this morning it says he's been online 'today'. The question I always ask when this topic comes up is, how do you know they are online unless you are there too? Is your reason for going online to specifically check if he is? And if so, how do you know he is not online doing the same to you, then you both see "online" constantly because you're both doing that? To be honest, I've never checked if someone was online or still signed up after we started dating. I assumed they were. I might go back on their profile to remember a particular detail but not to check if they are online. It has generally been that if we decide to be in a relationship and be exclusive we have that conversation and then also it comes up that we've deleted our profiles or simply no longer go on. I've simply trusted that and have never had the urge to check esp if we've only been seeing each other recently. I don't expect a man to up and delete his page after some dates and I also don't assume online means he's looking for other women, why? Because I had my profiles in the early part of dating, I had the app so sometimes I would get pop ups and would check it out of habit because it popped up but I wasn't sending or responding to messages. With the last bf I would even show him the messages I'd get which were ridiculous. I eventually deactivated the profiles but if he had been keeping tabs on me it would have just been seeing I was online but having no clue why, for how long or what it meant. If you haven't had the exclusive talk, expect their profile will exist and don't go mad checking it, as if they were doing the same to you they'd see you're online just as much too probably. When exclusivity comes up then deleting profiles should also come up and if after that they don't (although you checking in itself seems a bit paranoid) then you address it, until then IMO it's not a huge deal. 2
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 . I still gave him a lot of attention and affection and I've never once in 2 weeks showed myself online just to show he had all my attention. You should have went online every damned day until he officially asked you to date only him. Even if you don't want to look and have no interest in dating other people...just log on for one second so it shows you're active. In one week, you don't give up other prospects. He didn't. Why should you? 2
Author Gaeta Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 MissBee: You don't even need to have a profile on POF to know if someone is online. You make a research off line and it shows. Lets say what I do is spot check. I am looking out for myself. I used to be really naive about these things but not anymore. I don't expect him to delete his profile but I expect him to lose interest in logging on there all the time. Pumpkin: To me that's playing games. When I meet a man I like I don't feel like looking at other men so I don't go online. I am not gonna log in just to make him believe I have other options. Just by looking at me men know I have options. I am not missing opportunities. When I put my profile visible again messages will poor in.
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Pumpkin: To me that's playing games. When I meet a man I like I don't feel like looking at other men so I don't go online. I am not gonna log in just to make him believe I have other options. Just by looking at me men know I have options. . You cannot just think about yourself. Think about how HE feels. He sees you've been inactive since your date. He stops contacting you as much, longer pauses between responding, no plans for next date. He got freaked out because you made it too easy for him. 1
losangelena Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 You cannot just think about yourself. Think about how HE feels. He sees you've been inactive since your date. He stops contacting you as much, longer pauses between responding, no plans for next date. He got freaked out because you made it too easy for him. Ah, ha, ha! No offense to you at all, Pumpkin, but responses like these are exactly why posting to LS can be so frustrating sometimes! Gaeta has read through 200 messages of people telling her that she's acted too disinterested toward this fellow, now all of a sudden she's being chided because she's making things too easy for him! Bottom line, we don't know the whole situation; we barely know Gaeta and we don't know him from Adam, so their true thoughts and feelings are unknown to us. OP will only be able resolve this series of miscommunications when she and this guy talk again, if then. 1
BluEyeL Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I think Gaeta waaay overanalyzes everything then becomes anxious and sabotages things (unknowingly). They can smell the anxiety. They don't like to be questioned either after a couple of weeks. About anything: profile up, frequency of communication..nothing! They show you who they are, you either take it or leave it at that point. You keep your mouth shut. Communication in the sense of complaints and requests...after you know each other better. Profile down after one week or three dates is a highly unreasonable expectation. Also, you do not tell a man that you need x more dates before sex. What the heck? You don't tell him anything. It's gonna happen when you're there. All you do is keep going out with him, get to know him, if you like what you see, stay, if not, go. But also be reasonable. Things will happen if they are to happen, but everything needs proper time, not too long, not too short, if it is to be genuine. The exclusivity, hiding profile sex, labels, completely deleting profiles, increase in frequency of dates, daily communication, meeting family and friends, I love yous exchanged, vacations, .....later moving in together and maybe marriage in the end. All it's going to happen when it's going to happen. Can't be rushed. Exclusivity can't be rushed. And....I won't talk again about sex.. 3
Author Gaeta Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 I think Gaeta waaay overanalyzes everything then becomes anxious and sabotages things (unknowingly). They can smell the anxiety. They don't like to be questioned either after a couple of weeks. About anything: profile up, frequency of communication..nothing! They show you who they are, you either take it or leave it at that point. You keep your mouth shut. Communication in the sense of complaints and requests...after you know each other better. Profile down after one week or three dates is a highly unreasonable expectation. Also, you do not tell a man that you need x more dates before sex. What the heck? You don't tell him anything. It's gonna happen when you're there. All you do is keep going out with him, get to know him, if you like what you see, stay, if not, go. But also be reasonable. Things will happen if they are to happen, but everything needs proper time, not too long, not too short, if it is to be genuine. The exclusivity, hiding profile sex, labels, completely deleting profiles, increase in frequency of dates, daily communication, meeting family and friends, I love yous exchanged, vacations, .....later moving in together and maybe marriage in the end. All it's going to happen when it's going to happen. Can't be rushed. Exclusivity can't be rushed. And....I won't talk again about sex.. The answers to all these questions are in this thread but it's become voluminous so I will spare you reading it all over again. * I did not complain about anything to him. No mention of his communication dropping, no mention of his profile, no questioning of any kind. * I told him I wanted to get to know him over a few dates before sex because A: He invited me over to his place after our 1st meet at 11 pm. The following night over text he invited himself to my place at around 11 pm again. I called him and clarified with him that I like him, I feel the attraction as much as he does but we will get to intimacy when I know him a little more. * Exclusivity happen when people want it to happen. Most all my relationships we were exclusive within a few dates. Last boyfriend asked for exclusivity on 3rd date. I am not 20 yo, I am 49. I know what I want when I see it. I don't need 3 months to know I want to concentrate on a man. He is calling at 9h so in 15 mins we will be set.
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