Why is it so hard for men to get off of those meeting sites?

[hudson701]

Are you serious? Not going for sex within 3 dates is playing him?

 

Where did I say in my original post that you "played him"?

 

What is it with women on this site, or in general for that matter? They read something a man has to say, then twist it around in their head before spitting it back in a completely different (almost provocative) way to get a reaction. A complete misinterpretation! You're the second women on this site in the past day to do exactly this, it really is baffling.

 

Let me remind you- where did I say "Gaeta is playing this man?"

 

It's selective reading/interpretation and pretty weird to be honest.

[hudson701]

There is no "you must." A man who feels uncomfortable with delayed intimacy should move on.

 

This I totally agree with- many atime I have walked away from women who were only interested in extracting resources/time/money from me, for nothing in return. It only takes a date or two to suss if the person is really into you. Because when they are, it's just so damn easy to proceed then.

[Gaeta]

He told me a couple of days ago that the day following our 1st date my communication pattern changed. I wrote to him but he felt I was different and it worried him a great deal, he said it filled him with insecurities but there was nothing he could do but to wait and when I contacted him to invite him over for dinner he was so relieved we were 'ok'. I told him I had not noticed my communication had changed the following day, I was very excited of having met him.

 

Before he told me this he said: I will tell you something a man isn't suppose to tell a woman.

 

If he felt comfortable enough with me to share this maybe I should be comfortable enough too to say what I have to say.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Gaeta

[katiegrl]

You girls and guys knock yourselves out and have sex whenever. It's just my view, I've dated about 30 men and I slept with three.

 

If you're comfortable with sleeping with tens of men until you find the one that eventually works out, fine, do so. The counter examples of x and y and z didn't wait and they are married are common. It worked out because it happened that they were compatible. But the thing js, you can't know someone and he's still a stranger after 3 dates. That's all. In my view, waiting to know the person is better for you and there is no rush. Of course men don't like the idea but whatever. When you sleep with a man who has his profile up, it's just bad practice and you're hurting yourself.

 

For me, sex is to be shared in a relationship, not casually. For others casual is fine. Fine, if you, as a woman, can deal with the consequences.

 

And no, it's not about being taken to dinner for sex, that completely misses the point. It's about being intimate only in an exclusive relationship. If the two are compatible, is going to work out either way.

 

But, again, do what you want, not my life.

 

I agree and although for me, sex happened earlier than later, every man I had sex with I ended up having a relationship with. Three of them, including current have been long term.

 

No one is suggesting a woman have sex with "tens of men" only that she utilize her intuition and common sense and judge each situation separately from the past. If she can do that, she will KNOW which situation feels "right" for her and which do not.

 

And if a situation and particular man feels "right", go for it! Take a chance..there are no guarantees either way....but being overly cautious and fearful of getting hurt or "played" can sometimes paralyze you, and results in the exact thing happening that you were trying to avoid!

 

JMO ...

[katiegrl]

He told me a couple of days ago that the day following our 1st date my communication pattern changed. I wrote to him but he felt I was different and it worried him a great deal, he said it filled him with insecurities but there was nothing he could do but to wait and when I contacted him to invite him over for dinner he was so relieved we were 'ok'. I told him I had not noticed my communication had changed the following day, I was very excited of having met him.

 

Before he told me this he said: I will tell you something a man isn't suppose to tell a woman.

 

If he felt comfortable enough with me to share this maybe I should be comfortable enough too to say what I have to say.

 

Gaeta, you know what? Nevermiind what I said about leaving him alone. If you want to talk about this with him, then you should. I can tell you want to, and who knows perhaps that is what he is waiting for!

 

So go for it and keep us posted. At this point, you have absolutely nothing to lose!

[Ruby Slippers]

Another one that showed an obscene amount of attention, motivation, suggesting to meet his child, suggesting trips, and all sort of things then he goes 'meh'.

I've noticed this is what 95% of guys on OLD do - promise you the moon in hopes you'll be starstruck into bed with them. This must work on some women, since it's such a common tactic.

 

At least a dozen complete strangers, men with whom I've only exchanged messages and a phone call, maybe had a meal with, have offered to take me on some exotic vacation in the near future. I just tell them I'd need to get to know them better before going anywhere with them - then they immediately get that I'm not playing along with their casual playmate fantasy.

 

It seems clear to me that this guy was after easy sex, and when he didn't get it, he quickly gave up the chase and moved on to an easier target. The good thing for you is that you didn't fall for it, and you came out unscathed.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

This I totally agree with- many atime I have walked away from women who were only interested in extracting resources/time/money from me, for nothing in return. It only takes a date or two to suss if the person is really into you. Because when they are, it's just so damn easy to proceed then.

 

Let me know if I'm correct about this:

 

So, you've walked away from some women who were only interested in "extracting" your "time", and they had the audacity not to give you anything in return - which is sexual intercourse? When you date a woman, you're also getting something in return - HER time and attention.

 

Since when does a woman have to have sex with a strange man in return for him "giving her" his precious time?

 

Wow. Self-entitled much?

 

 

.

[Shining One]

Let me know if I'm correct about this:

 

So, you've walked away from some women who were only interested in "extracting" your "time", and they had the audacity not to give you anything in return - which is sexual intercourse? When you date a woman, you're also getting something in return - HER time and attention.

While the wording isn't clear, I can understand what he's trying to say. Let me try and rephrase:

He has walked away from women who were consuming his time, resources, and money without providing anything in return. If I'm investing these things in a woman, I expect reciprocal treatment. These women did not invest resources and money in him. Obviously, both parties invested time.

When you date a woman, you're also getting something in return - HER time and attention.

Your equation is unbalanced.

His Time + His Money + His Attention ≠ Her Time + Her Attention

Since when does a woman have to have sex with a strange man in return for him "giving her" his precious time, [highlight]resources, and money[/highlight]?

Fixed that for you. You're right, she does not have to do anything. She has the choice to accept it or walk away. He did not accept the inequality of the situation and walked away.

[BlueIris]

While the wording isn't clear, I can understand what he's trying to say. Let me try and rephrase:

He has walked away from women who were consuming his time, resources, and money without providing anything in return. If I'm investing these things in a woman, I expect reciprocal treatment. These women did not invest resources and money in him. Obviously, both parties invested time.

Your equation is unbalanced.

His Time + His Money + His Attention ≠ Her Time + Her Attention

Fixed that for you. You're right, she does not have to do anything. She has the choice to accept it or walk away. He did not accept the inequality of the situation and walked away.

 

Then don’t spend your money or so much of your money.

 

Connecting with someone has absolutely nothing to do with money. Love and affection are not bought. Men with imagination and heart romance women all the time without great expenditure. A walk in the park can be very romantic- and free. Sharing an ice cream cone is surprisingly romantic.

 

Whenever I hear men upset about spending money when dating, I can’t help but picture Johns looking for prostitutes- transactional thinking. I pay this = I get that. That's the absolute opposite of romance and caring. That's purchasing something, or loan-sharking: if I pay this, you owe me that.

 

Also, don’t hide behind money. It’s much easier to throw money at a date than it is to open up, get to know each other and build a connection. I suspect some daters use money as an emotional shield- well, I spent $xx so I did my part- because caring "costs" them more.

 

You have all the power in the world over your own spending. If spending time with her is not enough for you, then let her know that. Then I guess she can decide whether she wants to enter the money-for-benefit contract with you. Better be clear about what buys what, though.

[fitnessfan365]

I feel like so many people think of sex as a woman's way of getting what she wants out of a guy.

 

But believe it or not, there are plenty of women that love sex just for the sake of having it to get their needs met. After I have sex with a woman, I'm not blowing up her phone pushing for more private encounters. I just sit back and let her keep getting in touch with me. Since they chose to reach out and push for coming over, them wanting sex had nothing to do with getting something out of me. Well other than my sexual desire that is.

[CarrieT]

I don't think it's worth dumping him

You have only known him SEVEN DAYS!!!

 

Consider dumping him if this is an issue in three months; and only an issue if you two have fully discussed exclusivity and a future.

[smackie9]

All I can say is....guys are not mind readers!!! Tell him something so he knows you are serious about him. Guys hate it when they have to initiate, constantly prove their interest and still get vague responses or nothing with any kind of aknowledgement that YOU would like things to progess....too many women sit on their tuffets saying men should just KNOW what I want.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

While the wording isn't clear, I can understand what he's trying to say. Let me try and rephrase:

He has walked away from women who were consuming his time, resources, and money without providing anything in return. If I'm investing these things in a woman, I expect reciprocal treatment. These women did not invest resources and money in him. Obviously, both parties invested time.

Your equation is unbalanced.

 

"Consuming"? I find it hard to believe that not one single woman he's ever dated has NEVER contributed any of her money or her resources! Nope, not buying it.

 

 

His Time + His Money + His Attention ≠ Her Time + Her Attention

 

You didn't "fix" anything. He did NOT use "+" signs in between those aspects - he used "/" signs. Slash signs means "and" & "OR". So, he could've used ALL of those aspects, SOME of them or only ONE of them. There. Fixed that for ya.

 

You're right, she does not have to do anything. She has the choice to accept it or walk away. He did not accept the inequality of the situation and walked away.

 

The "inequality"?? So, you and he are the kind of men that keep TRACK of every single solitary thing that you both do for a woman, and if (God forbid) it isn't quid pro quo on her end, you both choose to "walk away"??

 

Oh, what a HUGE loss to all of the women out there!

 

Wow. Just...wow. Thank GOD I've never run into any nitpicking self-entitled bores such as this! And um, just so you know...we women earn our own money, so most of us PAY our OWN WAY out on a date and we CONTRIBUTE our OWN resources also. But then, when we do that, then the guy whines because we don't "let him be 'the man' and pay for the date".

 

 

After reading a few posts on this thread, I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate and luckiest women in the world!

 

 

.

[Shining One]

Whenever I hear men upset about spending money when dating, I can’t help but picture Johns looking for prostitutes- transactional thinking. I pay this = I get that. That's the absolute opposite of romance and caring. That's purchasing something, or loan-sharking: if I pay this, you owe me that.

I don't look at it as I pay this, you owe that. I look at as: I'm investing money, she is not, and I have no confirmed level of interest from her. Thus, I'm gambling that she is actually interested. She has multiple ways of confirming her interest, and one of those ways is opening her own wallet and paying for some of our dates.

You didn't "fix" anything. He did NOT use "+" signs in between those aspects - he used "/" signs. Slash signs means "and" & "OR". So, he could've used ALL of those aspects, SOME of them or only ONE of them. There. Fixed that for ya.

You're right. I stand corrected.

The "inequality"?? So, you and he are the kind of men that keep TRACK of every single solitary thing that you both do for a woman, and if (God forbid) it isn't quid pro quo on her end, you both choose to "walk away"??

You're assuming a bit much here, aren't you? I choose on a case by case basis what I'm willing to invest and what I'm not and proceed accordingly. It's always in her favor. I used to not keep track and then I discovered I spent over $5,000 in one year on women who had no interest in me. I have learned from that experience and have taken steps (keeping track) to ensure I don't make that mistake again.

Wow. Just...wow. Thank GOD I've never run into any nitpicking self-entitled bores such as this!

Please explain to me how desiring equal investment equals self-entitled. From my point of view, the one desiring an unequal partnership in their favor is the one who is self-entitled.

And um, just so you know...we women earn our own money, so most of us PAY our OWN WAY out on a date and we CONTRIBUTE our OWN resources also. But then, when we do that, then the guy whines because we don't "let him be 'the man' and pay for the date".

Only a small percentage of the women I've gone out with have been willing to pay for early dates. Within your circle of friends, it may be more common for women to pay early on, but that has not been my experience. With that said, I have never complained about a woman paying for a date.

[Shining One]

All I can say is....guys are not mind readers!!! Tell him something so he knows you are serious about him. Guys hate it when they have to initiate, constantly prove their interest and still get vague responses or nothing with any kind of aknowledgement that YOU would like things to progess....too many women sit on their tuffets saying men should just KNOW what I want.

This a thousand times. She's already been back and forth with him, so it's time for some clarity.

[Gaeta]

I wonder why 'Land of Confusion' is playing in my mind when I log on here.

 

I have No idea what I will do. Well, today I do nothing that's for sure.

[Gaeta]

All I can say is....guys are not mind readers!!! Tell him something so he knows you are serious about him. Guys hate it when they have to initiate, constantly prove their interest and still get vague responses or nothing with any kind of aknowledgement that YOU would like things to progess....too many women sit on their tuffets saying men should just KNOW what I want.

 

I agree with you 100% but.....am I like this?

 

The change happened after date 2.

 

A. Messed up the exclusivity talk

 

or

 

B. Declined sex

 

That being said he still initiated date 3 so technically he is still interested, he invited me over, sat like 2 feet away from me, no touching what so ever! The man is trying to respect my wish?

 

Communication comes down because he's confused. I want exclusivity for sex, he offers exclusivity and I brush it off, flirt, tease and tell him to get his hands off of me.

 

Yep! That's me trying to date like a conservative American (no offense lol).

[fitnessfan365]

Wow. Just...wow. Thank GOD I've never run into any nitpicking self-entitled bores such as this! And um, just so you know...we women earn our own money, so most of us PAY our OWN WAY out on a date and we CONTRIBUTE our OWN resources also. But then, when we do that, then the guy whines because we don't "let him be 'the man' and pay for the date".

 

 

After reading a few posts on this thread, I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate and luckiest women in the world!

 

 

.

 

 

Haha.. The old money debate. If you get creative, money is never an issue. I can seriously spend less on ten dates than a lot of guys spend on 2-3. I'll use the recent woman I'm seeing as an example.

 

Date 1 - Free. Walked around in Barnes and Noble using parts of the store to get to know her creatively.

 

Date 2 - $5. A single scoop of ice cream a piece. Got it to go and headed over to shoot pool for free in the community center building. Most women LOVE ice cream, and she had a blast shooting pool with me. Fun and low key.

 

Date 3 - $10. Picking us up two Subway sandwiches to have during a Sunset picnic outside. She absolutely loved this idea. Having a picnic over sunset is extremely romantic. Plus you can listen to music, get physical under the blanket, etc.. Believe it or not, a lot of women HATE being stuffed into a restaurant.

 

But seriously guys, bums can make more than $15 a week pan handling. There are no hard set rules that you have to do expensive dates in the beginning. Treat her to bigger dates after you get more serious and you know her intentions are good.

Edited March 24, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I wonder why 'Land of Confusion' is playing in my mind when I log on here.

 

I have No idea what I will do. Well, today I do nothing that's for sure.

 

HA! I used to LOVE that song by Genesis back in the day! I can still see the video in my mind (Claymation using Ronald Reagan as the main character LOL).

 

Gaeta, you seem like a sensible, sensitive and sharp woman. Instead of waiting around for HIM to contact you, why don't you just give him a CALL and ask if he has a few minutes to talk with you. (Sometimes, I wish texting had never been invented!) If he does have some time to chat with you, why don't you just be honest with him and tell him how you're feeling about all of this?

 

I mean, seriously...what have you got to lose? From what you've spoken about him, he sounds like he likes you too and seems like a responsible and decent guy; but he also has his own insecurities, doubts and fears...just like you do! It seems to me that you're both waiting for the other shoe to drop instead of just being direct with each other. Someone has to be the one to initiate contact...it doesn't always have to be tit-for-tat. Not everything about dating and relationships are balanced or has to be balanced.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I just think you're placing an unnecessary amount of stress, wonder and worry on yourself.

 

 

.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Haha.. The old money debate. If you get creative, money is never an issue. I can seriously spend less on ten dates than a lot of guys spend on 2-3. I'll use the recent woman I'm seeing as an example.

 

Date 1 - Free. Walked around in Barnes and Noble using parts of the store to get to know her creatively.

 

Date 2 - $5. A single scoop of ice cream a piece. Got it to go and headed over to shoot pool for free in the community center building. Most women LOVE ice cream, and she had a blast shooting pool with me. Fun and low key.

 

Date 3 - $10. Picking us up two Subway sandwiches to have during a Sunset picnic outside. She absolutely loved this idea. Having a picnic over sunset is extremely romantic. Plus you can listen to music, get physical under the blanket, etc.. Believe it or not, a lot of women HATE being stuffed into a restaurant.

 

But seriously guys, bums can make more than $15 a week pan handling. There are no hard set rules that you have to do expensive dates in the beginning. Treat her to bigger dates after you get more serious and you know her intentions are good.

 

This is awesome, creative and interesting. I wish more men would have this mindset!

 

.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think there is anything to be concerned over here.

 

 

It's too soon to be worried about him being online whether he is logging in or his phone keeps him logged in.

 

 

I think you've confused him a bit and so he has backed off a little to save his feelings getting hurt but also to respect your wishes.

 

 

I you want him to be more forward then be less confusing and a little bit more open.

[Diezel]

You have only known him SEVEN DAYS!!!

 

Exactly.

 

So. Much. Over. Thinking. In. This. Thread.

[johncarl]

If you want to be exclusive with this man, then tell him so.

 

 

If this man is the way you describe him in the OP, he is in "high demand" and has a lot of options vis-a-vis women who want to go on dates with him. You're not the only woman interested in him, trust me.....and he's getting texts from all kinds of women telling him how wonderful and handsome he is, how sweet he is, etc.

 

 

And you basically sluffed off his question about whether or not you two are seeing each other. When that happens to a guy, he feels stung. He likes you, I think, but is wondering if you are really interested in him.

 

 

I was in a similar situation to you, except I was the guy. I really liked a woman and was dating her/seeing her. There was never any discussion of exclusivity, so I saw other women. I took other women out on dates, I slept with other women, I was on dating sites, I played the field. I wanted more from her and to be exclusive, but was scared to ask because I wasn't sure how she felt and she wasn't clear. This guy did you the favour of asking you - it wasn't the most eloquent way to ask, but he asked and you didn't answer - you were coy and game-ee (As one of my friends puts it).

 

 

So if you want the guy exclusively, tell him you like him and tell him you would like it if you two only saw each other and no one else. Be prepared, however, for him to possibly not want the same thing: it may be too late, or he may just be playing the field.

[BlueIris]

Exactly.

 

So. Much. Over. Thinking. In. This. Thread.

 

I agree. But the one thing that made my eyebrows go up and made me think was this:

 

… He even told his 10 yo daughter about me and showed her my pictures and asked her if she'd be ok with meeting me one day.

 

That’s a massive path-blocking red flag to me. I wouldn’t want to date a guy who was telling his pre-adolescent daughter about his love life and asking her to express opinions… regarding someone he’s known for only 7 days. I don’t know if that was already mentioned. I didn’t read the whole thread. But if anything was making me think, it would be that.

[DatingDirection]

This man has everything on my list of wishes (so far). In my mind I wanted to meet a man that was funny, stable, attentive, considerate, articulate, interesting, fit and handsome and I met him!!

 

He contacts me on daily basis, he takes interest in my day, he remembers everything I say. We had 3 dates in the past 7 days. He kept his hands to himself, he insisted on paying each time. He offers his help when he sees a need. He makes short terms plans with me.

 

On our last date he asked: So, are we like seeing each other? To me it sounded like he was confirming we are dating, what do you think?

 

He even told his 10 yo daughter about me and showed her my pictures and asked her if she'd be ok with meeting me one day.

 

Where is the catch? He is online on daily basis. Last night we went to a movie, he invited me over to his place after, I left at midnight. Sure enough this morning it says he's been online 'today'.

 

Well if he was serious about only seeing you, he would have brought up the idea that he wants to take his profile off line, and asked you to do the same.