Author Gaeta Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 You're not giving him any reason not to be though. With all the mixed signals and spurning his advances, why shouldn't be considering other options? I don't think I have given him that many mixed signals. No sex but kissing and being close is ok. If he only wants sex yes he should consider other options. If he wants a woman that is honest, loving, stable, funny, independent, open minded, sexual, forgiving, loves children, than I am on top of his list for options.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't think I have given him that many mixed signals. No sex but kissing and being close is ok. If he only wants sex yes he should consider other options. If he wants a woman that is honest, loving, stable, funny, independent, open minded, sexual, forgiving, loves children, than I am on top of his list for options. Him bringing up exclusivity in his own roundabout way, you brushing it off, and then coming on here asking about why he's on a dating site still is a mixed signal. Him trying to be more physically aggressive with you, you shooting him down, and then being secretly disappointed when he didn't make a move at his place is a mixed signal. If you're not ready to have sex, don't agree to go to his place. If this is a guy that you want to be with, then show it with your actions.
Author Gaeta Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 If this is a guy that you want to be with, then show it with your actions. And actions is sex? I initiate contact, I compliment him often, I take interest in him and his daughter, I've invited him home and cooked a nice meal with wine then an evening by the fireplace, I tell him he is a truly nice and sweet man and I am happy I met him and I enjoy all of our time together. 1
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Geata just talk to him, and say "yes" I really want to be dating exclusively. You are everything I have been looking for or I'm so glad I met someone as nice as you or I really like you, things have been great, etc. Then openly say "since we are official I will close down my account." What is so wrong with being open and honest???
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 geata just talk to him, and say "yes" i really want to be dating exclusively. You are everything i have been looking for or i'm so glad i met someone as nice as you or i really like you, things have been great, etc. Then openly say "since we are official i will close down my account." what is so wrong with being open and honest??? too soon! Too soon!
losangelena Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Him bringing up exclusivity in his own roundabout way, you brushing it off, and then coming on here asking about why he's on a dating site still is a mixed signal. I agree with some of what you're saying fitnessfan, but on this point—in my opinion, OP can't be blamed for having missed the way he brought up the exclusivity talk. Yes, she's the one on here posting about it, so she's the one who's going to get harped on, but if this guy WANTS to be exclusive with her, then I think it's up to him to make HIMSELF abundantly clear. The way he brought it up makes it sound like he's pussyfooting around. If my BF had used the phrase, "So, are we like seeing each other?," it would not have been my first thought to assume that he was trying to bring up exclusivity. These two are not kids—they have years of collective dating experience. I know people try to be subtle sometimes so as to mitigate the possible sting of rejection, but being too indirect can lead to confusion, as seen here. Let's just remember, as we're trying to prove our points to Gaeta, that there are two people in this arrangement. Perhaps she is overthinking things, but she can only do so much with the information that this gentleman is giving her.
BluEyeL Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I think, again, too much analysis. Hiding the profile after 7 days is too soon. You can decide not to date other people, but it's too soon to hide. Since day one, my BF and I said that we're not dating other people, just because we don't have the time and the energy, and are the one at the time type. That didn't mean we were in an exclusive relationship. I don't know how to explain, that feeling came after two months. In the beginning you just try to learn about each other. It doesn't matter if the profiles are up. Also, too much analysis with the picture and all. Go with it, see how it goes and be patient, give it time, and do not overreact.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I agree that you're giving mixed signals, and have been since the initial contact. I think you're doing this because you know that having sex within a few dates isn't working for you, you want to try a different approach, but you haven't come into full alignment within yourself on a different plan - the plan to get to know the guy before you have sex with him. If you had been sending the clear message through your dating profile that your romantic style is a slower, more carefully considered one (including the way you're dressed, the vibe of your pictures, and the words), he never would have tried to get you home on the first date. This is my presentation, and it does a pretty good job of weeding out the casual daters/sexers. Not foolproof, but pretty good. The ones who try anyway make their intentions clear very quickly, and then I ignore them. Your problem is that you're not being clear and consistent with yourself about what you want and how you're going to go about making it happen. Once you get clear with yourself, everything else will clarify, too.
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 "So, are we, like, seeing each other?" does not equal "Let's be exclusive." He did not ask you to be exclusive, so do not ask for exclusivity yet. TOO SOON. My god, it's only been three dates. I say just enjoy getting to know him, the anticipation of your next date, what you're going to wear, what you're going to cook, without assigning meaning to every little action. 1
Author Gaeta Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I agree with some of what you're saying fitnessfan, but on this point—in my opinion, OP can't be blamed for having missed the way he brought up the exclusivity talk. Yes, she's the one on here posting about it, so she's the one who's going to get harped on, but if this guy WANTS to be exclusive with her, then I think it's up to him to make HIMSELF abundantly clear. The way he brought it up makes it sound like he's pussyfooting around. If my BF had used the phrase, "So, are we like seeing each other?," it would not have been my first thought to assume that he was trying to bring up exclusivity. These two are not kids—they have years of collective dating experience. I know people try to be subtle sometimes so as to mitigate the possible sting of rejection, but being too indirect can lead to confusion, as seen here. Let's just remember, as we're trying to prove our points to Gaeta, that there are two people in this arrangement. Perhaps she is overthinking things, but she can only do so much with the information that this gentleman is giving her. I agree with you, just want to point that I am the only one with dating experience though. He was married 25 years, single 3 years but no active dating. He met a couple of ladies online but no connection and no follow up.
Author Gaeta Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 "So, are we, like, seeing each other?" does not equal "Let's be exclusive." He did not ask you to be exclusive, so do not ask for exclusivity yet. TOO SOON. My god, it's only been three dates. I say just enjoy getting to know him, the anticipation of your next date, what you're going to wear, what you're going to cook, without assigning meaning to every little action. It depends on people. My ex-boyfriend asked me loud and clear for exclusivity on our 3rd date. I was into him as much as he was into me and it felt natural.
xxoo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Why do you even care about his profile status if it's only been 7 days, 3 dates, and no sexual encounters? None of this indicates any seriousness. It's all getting-to-know-you, as it should be. Concentrate on getting to know each other, non-sexually. Enjoy spending time together without expectations or investment. The interest will either build or fade. If it builds, then in a few weeks it will be obvious that you both want this. "This" meaning a relationship, sex, and taking down profiles. 2
Author Gaeta Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Why do you even care about his profile status if it's only been 7 days, 3 dates, and no sexual encounters? None of this indicates any seriousness. It's all getting-to-know-you, as it should be. Concentrate on getting to know each other, non-sexually. Enjoy spending time together without expectations or investment. The interest will either build or fade. If it builds, then in a few weeks it will be obvious that you both want this. "This" meaning a relationship, sex, and taking down profiles. I don't do without expectations or investment anymore. I am starting my 3rd year of online dating and I claim to have met over 100 men but truth is it's more like 125 if not more. It does not take a month to know if someone grabbed your attention enough to concentrate on her.
BluEyeL Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't do without expectations or investment anymore. I am starting my 3rd year of online dating and I claim to have met over 100 men but truth is it's more like 125 if not more. It does not take a month to know if someone grabbed your attention enough to concentrate on her. It actually takes a month or more. I think you may have unrealistic expectations. Just don't sleep with the man and wait to get to know each other. Having spent 3 years online dating and meeting 125 men doesn't mean you can burn stages now, it's irrelevant. You got to put in the time. Wait to get to know him, wait for sex, wait for profiles down. Good things come to those who wait. 2
xxoo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't do without expectations or investment anymore. I am starting my 3rd year of online dating and I claim to have met over 100 men but truth is it's more like 125 if not more. It does not take a month to know if someone grabbed your attention enough to concentrate on her. It doesn't take a month to grab attention. But a wise person knows it takes a month or two to know if that interest will grow or fade. Slow and steady wins the race. Going in fast and furious leads to a lot of, "WTF was I thinking?" Going slow is good judgment. Even when excited and tempted to jump, it's wise to consciously slow down and let time do its work. 2
rester Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't do without expectations or investment anymore. I am starting my 3rd year of online dating and I claim to have met over 100 men but truth is it's more like 125 if not more. It does not take a month to know if someone grabbed your attention enough to concentrate on her. I'm pretty sure you're not trying to rush into a relationship, but it does sound like you're trying to rush the whole process of getting to know someone. You either want to know you're moving forward or you want to bail right away. You're getting to be hyper-sensitive to red/orange/yellow/chartreuse flags when they don't necessarily mean much yet. I can't say that I wouldn't be the same way after three active years of dating, but it's only been a week and three dates. Is it possible to go with it for another couple weeks and not worry about him browsing OLD or him taking down his profile? I kinda want to shake you and tell you to chill the F out. 6
katiegrl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I don't do without expectations or investment anymore. I am starting my 3rd year of online dating and I claim to have met over 100 men but truth is it's more like 125 if not more. It does not take a month to know if someone grabbed your attention enough to concentrate on her. Okay, so you don't do "no expectations" anymore. Fair enough. Which begs the question what "are" your expectations after one week and three dates? Doors HE know know what your expectation are? If not, why not? 1
Author Gaeta Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Okay, so you don't do "no expectations" anymore. Fair enough. Which begs the question what "are" your expectations after one week and three dates? Doors HE know know what your expectation are? If not, why not? I expect a man interested in me, in the way he says he is, to slow down on logging in a dating site but that can be explained if he uses a phone app. He did not initiate contact today. I usually always get a good morning text. I initiated contact at noon and I got a reply at 9 pm saying he was putting his daughter to bed and we can talk after that. I'm not sure if I should discuss anything with him or if there is even something to discuss.
katiegrl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I expect a man interested in me, in the way he says he is, to slow down on logging in a dating site but that can be explained if he uses a phone app. He did not initiate contact today. I usually always get a good morning text. I initiated contact at noon and I got a reply at 9 pm saying he was putting his daughter to bed and we can talk after that. I'm not sure if I should discuss anything with him or if there is even something to discuss. Your call but I wouldn't. Too soon for "talks" - JMO though. That said, you sound a bit annoyed. Are you annoyed he didn't initiate today? And waited nine hours to reply to you? The waiting nine hours might have annoyed me a bit, even though I know I have no right to be. Do you have another date scheduled?
fitnessfan365 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 The waiting nine hours might have annoyed me a bit, even though I know I have no right to be. This is one of the many areas of amusement that I get from women. Women take hours to respond all the time. They'll say it;s because of how busy they are, or they forgot to respond, etc.. But if they don't hear back within a given time frame they have in their head, they get frustrated. 2
katiegrl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 This is one of the many areas of amusement that I get from women. Women take hours to respond all the time. They'll say it;s because of how busy they are, or they forgot to respond, etc.. But if they don't hear back within a given time frame they have in their head, they get frustrated. I don't. I don't play that game...I'm a pretty straight shooter. And when I was dating, if a guy texted me, I didn't wait nine hours to respond back... 5
Author Gaeta Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 I was thinking maybe I should re-enforce that I like him and I am looking forward to see him again. I don't know. I am worried now that I did send too many mixed signals. I am not annoyed but disappointed. I am more disappointed at the 9 hour delay than the missing good morning, mornings sometimes are hectic it's ok but 9 hours is long. When I left his place last night he said he may have some time next Saturday when his daughter has dance classes, if not then we'll have to wait next Monday when she gets back to her mom.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I don't. I don't play that game...I'm a pretty straight shooter. And when I was dating, if a guy texted me, I didn't wait nine hours to respond back... Well that's obvious based on your personality which is why I've enjoyed getting to know you on here. However, the average woman has a much longer response time. But, it never bugs me. Mainly because I don't use the phone to chat or get to know someone. I do that in person. Example. She sends a "Thanks for an awesome night" text after our date. I respond the next morning letting her know I enjoyed myself as well and asking when she's free again. Now it doesn't matter how long she responds, because the plans will be in the future tense. It isn't a need to know situation. Whereas the people that get bugged are the ones who try to have actual conversations via text and get hung up on waiting around for a response. 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I expect a man interested in me, in the way he says he is, to slow down on logging in a dating site but that can be explained if he uses a phone app. He did not initiate contact today. I usually always get a good morning text. I initiated contact at noon and I got a reply at 9 pm saying he was putting his daughter to bed and we can talk after that. I'm not sure if I should discuss anything with him or if there is even something to discuss. If a guy is calling you, texting you and taking you out on dates, he IS interested in you. But, since nothing is exclusive just yet, he has a right to log in on that dating site and read messages from other women. If you're the type of person that wants a guy to only date one woman at a time, then you need to let him know this. Why are you checking on him to see whether he's logging in there or not? Even if he wasn't logging in on that dating site, he could still be meeting up with other women or calling them unbeknownst to you. You usually get a good morning text from him? After a week of knowing him and having gone on 3 dates with him? Why didn't you send him a good morning text? Why does he always have to be the one to initiate contact with you? Guys like to know that you're thinking of them too! Regarding him not replying to your noon text for 9 hours. Well, some people do have a life to live, and some of them are very busy. At least he replied to your text and offered to converse with you after he put his daughter to bed. Also consider the fact that he HAS a kid. He has to take care of her needs after he gets home from work, spend time with her, get her fed, bathed and ready for bed. Expect more time lapses between texts from this guy; it just seems like his days are very busy and packed with obligations he must meet. Just some thoughts for you to consider. . 2
Author Gaeta Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Things need to be put into context. We made contact online 2 weeks ago. He was just starting his week with his daughter so we had to wait 7 days to meet. During those 7 days we text daily and he called each 2 days to chat. A pattern had been established. We meet after 7 days of communication. Things are nice and dandy and we have another 7 days of daily communication and calls + 3 dates Pattern continues. We have now 14 days of consistency. Then last date dynamic changed and consistency disappears.
Recommended Posts