beach_girl Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hi. I've met my boyfriend on an online dating site and we've been dating for four months. He's always very attentive, told me he loves me, and I've met his friends and family. Even went to his sister's wedding. I have absolutely no reason to doubt the relationship, except for the fact that his profile is still up and it seems like he's still visiting it. Two days ago, he told me a girl from one of the sites contacted him but he hasn't replied because he's not available (he has his phone number on one of the sites). He also showed me the message. The fact that he tells me this actually makes me feel better, because he's being transparent about it. But what about the other site? How do I get him to take it down? Should I be worried? Sorry if anything I'm writing seems unclear - I'm actually at work.
PegNosePete Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Talk to him and explain that if you are an exclusive couple then you expect him to stop looking for other options, which means, taking down his profile. Especially his phone number... who does that?! Or at least he should get rid of the content. I kept mine on one site so I can carry on using the forums, but it's basically blank and says I am happily in a relationship and not interested in meeting anyone new, and I set it so only people aged 99 or over can contact me. 1
kendahke Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Are you both sexually exclusive and have declared yourselves in a committed relationship? If so, then ask him about his profile being up. I'd hope good communication is still happening in your relationship at the 4 month mark. You should be able to talk to him about anything. If not, then have that talk about exclusivity and committed relationship then ask him to take down his profile.
Author beach_girl Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 He was the first to bring up exclusivity, and yes we are exclusive. Hopefully he's just being a bit dense about the matter. When he told me about the other girl contacting him, I made it clear that I wasn't happy about it, although in a joking manner. I will be seeing him in two weeks again, when I will talk to him. Thanks for your advice 1
Auspecial Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 It seems he offered you the perfect opportunity to suggest he take it down. So, go ahead and do that! Say "by the way, I think we should both take our profiles down now." His response in agreement or disagreement will tell you a lot about how much more effort you want to put in. 2
veggirl Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Either your bf is legitimately stupid or he is a jerk. Why are you telling him you don't like it in a "joking" manner? Have an actual conversation about it. I don't understand why you are so hesitant to tell him this is not cool??? 3
Redhead14 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hi. I've met my boyfriend on an online dating site and we've been dating for four months. He's always very attentive, told me he loves me, and I've met his friends and family. Even went to his sister's wedding. I have absolutely no reason to doubt the relationship, except for the fact that his profile is still up and it seems like he's still visiting it. Two days ago, he told me a girl from one of the sites contacted him but he hasn't replied because he's not available (he has his phone number on one of the sites). He also showed me the message. The fact that he tells me this actually makes me feel better, because he's being transparent about it. But what about the other site? How do I get him to take it down? Should I be worried? Sorry if anything I'm writing seems unclear - I'm actually at work. Have you two had a casual conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating experience(s) in general, your goals? Are you two on the same page at least with that? You do have a reason to think you might not be -- he's still visiting the dating site. He might have told her he wasn't available because he wasn't interested enough? You can open a casual conversation with him and say something like "I'm enjoying our relationship and the time with you and I am looking for a long-term committed relationship for myself and I am not looking to date anyone else at this point and I've taken down my dating profile." And let him talk. If he indicates that he's wants to move forward with only you. You can say, "I'm uncomfortable about the fact that you still have you profile up." It's then up to him to remove it. You can't demand or ask him to do it. Make it more of a suggestion and let him know it would make you feel better. If he's concerned enough about your feelings, he will take it down himself. If he doesn't, that tells you something.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 He was the first to bring up exclusivity, and yes we are exclusive. Hopefully he's just being a bit dense about the matter. When he told me about the other girl contacting him, I made it clear that I wasn't happy about it, although in a joking manner. I will be seeing him in two weeks again, when I will talk to him. Thanks for your advice Why? You shouldn't be afraid to make your boundaries clear. No need to cloud it in light-hearted banter. Re-open the conversation with him and let him know that you're not comfortable with it, especially given that his phone number is still there for public consumption. (wth?)
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Him keeping his profile active is no joke. It's an affront to your relationship. Ask him why it's still up. Hopefully he will realize it needs to come down. If that isn't clear to him, you are well withing your rights to walk if it doesn't come down.
TunaCat Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Why did you ask him about this jokingly? I'm being serious here, why can't you say out loud to this guy that you aren't comfortable with him keeping his profile up? Sit down with him and have a serious discussion.
Diezel Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I will be seeing him in two weeks again, when I will talk to him. Thanks for your advice Why are you seeing him in two weeks? Is this a long distance relationship?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Him taking it down on his own means a lot more than you telling him to do it for you...of course he's going to take it down and smooth it over if you attack him...albeit in a nice way, over it. Then you're just creating that situation women love to complain about...where they feel they have to inform men about everything they do wrong or don't like. If you want it to be genuine and real...let him take it down, when he does that then you truly know he's had a shift emotionally and mentally, otherwise if you just coach him (let's face it, he has no good reason to fight you about not taking it down so he will regardless...any guy will, good or bad intentioned) then you're basically controlling the situation and have no idea how he feels, you're just telling him how to behave in so many word. So if you don't mind coaching your BF, just tell him in any way...It's not like he won't take it down once you bring it up, what choice does he really have? If he doesn't it's just a blatant stupid move on his pArt...but he has to be a pretty big idiot to do that. 2
BluEyeL Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Why are you seeing him in two weeks?? Is he long distance?
Author beach_girl Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 We live an hour apart and are both strapped for cash, so can't see each other more than every weekend, and I'm skipping this weekend because I have plans with my girlfriends. I also go to him every weekend because it's just easier that way - I still live with my parents. Your comments made me think long and hard, and I will definitely be discussing this issue with him when I see him again. I think clear boundaries are in order and I'm going to be very firm about what I need from him for this relationship to work. The fact that he has his phone number on a dating site bothers me the most. Thanks for your advice. I'll let you know how it went
fitnessfan365 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) We live an hour apart and are both strapped for cash, so can't see each other more than every weekend, and I'm skipping this weekend because I have plans with my girlfriends. First let me say, I think that it's great you spend time with your friends. Nothing is worse than a co-dependent woman who has no life of her own. I always encourage any woman I'm seeing to be independent, see her friends, etc.. But I do think your scheduling to see them on the weekend is a bit selfish on your part. Now maybe you ladies are taking a trip and needed the weeekend. If so that's understandable. But if it's just regular girl time, there are five other days in the week you could see them. It would be one thing if you could see your boyfriend a few times during the week. Then not seeing him on the weekend is no big deal. However, since the only time you have to see each other is the weekend, that should be time set aside for you and him. It's little acts of selfishness like this that make a guy want to keep his dating profile up. Edited March 25, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
clia Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 First let me say, I think that it's great you spend time with your friends. Nothing is worse than a co-dependent woman who has no life of her own. I always encourage any woman I'm seeing to be independent, see her friends, etc.. But I do think your scheduling to see them on the weekend is a bit selfish on your part. Now maybe you ladies are taking a trip and needed the weeekend. If so that's understandable. But if it's just regular girl time, there are five other days in the week you could see them. It would be one thing if you could see your boyfriend a few times during the week. Then not seeing him on the weekend is no big deal. However, since the only time you have to see each other is the weekend, that should be time set aside for you and him. It's little acts of selfishness like this that make a guy want to keep his dating profile up. It's not selfish of her to want to go out with her girlfriends on a weekend night or even wanting to stay home for a weekend. Yes, she could see them on a week night, but going out on a Friday or Saturday night is typically more fun. It sounds like she normally devotes her weekends to visiting him anyway. Maybe he could suck it up and drive an hour to see her for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday afternoon. An hour is not a far distance away. Many people have commutes longer than that. I don't understand why they still can't see each other for a few hours on one of the other days on the weekend, or even on an evening during the week. It seems odd to go two weeks without seeing each other when you are only an hour away. Meet in the middle if an hour drive is too far. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 It's not selfish of her to want to go out with her girlfriends on a weekend night or even wanting to stay home for a weekend. Yes, she could see them on a week night, but going out on a Friday or Saturday night is typically more fun. It sounds like she normally devotes her weekends to visiting him anyway. Maybe he could suck it up and drive an hour to see her for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday afternoon. An hour is not a far distance away. Many people have commutes longer than that. I don't understand why they still can't see each other for a few hours on one of the other days on the weekend, or even on an evening during the week. It seems odd to go two weeks without seeing each other when you are only an hour away. Meet in the middle if an hour drive is too far. Friday night is still weekday territory. So a compromise could be Fri night with the girls and Sat/Sun with him. Now first of all, I agree with you that an hour IS NOT long distance. But since she lives with her folks, it's kind of a mood killer. So she has to come to him. This leaves two choices. Either spend the night, and get up an hour earlier to drive back and get to work on time which means less sleep. Or not spend the night and spend an hour driving late at night when she's tired. In either case, it's definitely not convenient. But as I said, I am an advocate for a woman seeing her friends. I highly encourage it. However, she's made it clear that she can only see him on Sat/Sun. So if she has five other nights to see her friends on, she should use that and not cut the limited time she has with her boyfriend short.
Author beach_girl Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 First let me say, I think that it's great you spend time with your friends. Nothing is worse than a co-dependent woman who has no life of her own. I always encourage any woman I'm seeing to be independent, see her friends, etc.. But I do think your scheduling to see them on the weekend is a bit selfish on your part. Now maybe you ladies are taking a trip and needed the weeekend. If so that's understandable. But if it's just regular girl time, there are five other days in the week you could see them. It would be one thing if you could see your boyfriend a few times during the week. Then not seeing him on the weekend is no big deal. However, since the only time you have to see each other is the weekend, that should be time set aside for you and him. It's little acts of selfishness like this that make a guy want to keep his dating profile up. I am not sure I agree with you. I never see them during the week because they're career women and also live an hour away from me. And since my relationship has started, I've been with my boyfriend every single weekend. So it feels like I'm neglecting my friends (becoming imbalanced, if you know what I mean). I truly do not believe that I'm being selfish. I'm taking care of myself - seeing my friends help keeps me emotionally available in my relationship. Hope this makes sense.
Author beach_girl Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Friday night is still weekday territory. So a compromise could be Fri night with the girls and Sat/Sun with him. Now first of all, I agree with you that an hour IS NOT long distance. But since she lives with her folks, it's kind of a mood killer. So she has to come to him. This leaves two choices. Either spend the night, and get up an hour earlier to drive back and get to work on time which means less sleep. Or not spend the night and spend an hour driving late at night when she's tired. In either case, it's definitely not convenient. But as I said, I am an advocate for a woman seeing her friends. I highly encourage it. However, she's made it clear that she can only see him on Sat/Sun. So if she has five other nights to see her friends on, she should use that and not cut the limited time she has with her boyfriend short. He starts work at 5 am, and I only finish at 5:30 pm and then still have to drive an hour to him as well as an hour back. FYI, the past month I've been visiting him from Friday till Monday:)
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