HurtOfGlass Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Don't want to make this a gender thing but reading this forum I can't help but get the impression that men (myself included) forgive more easily. Even when the affair was a very long one and continues long after DDay, the husbands are more than willing to stick it out. Whereas for women, its almost always kick him out and start divorce proceedings aimed at inflicting the maximum damage to the husbands....
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Never did a study, but I personally know more men that have been unfaithful than women and they have been given another chance. Still while the number of women that I personally know that have been unfaithful is a smaller group, men appear to give a second chance just as many times as women. I think it is more likely that if you are a man, that your male friends are telling you of other unfaithful women. I don't see either sex having the high road.
Lion Heart Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Yeah maybe because I'm a woman, now BW, I know of far more men that have been unfaithful than women. Either because most of the women I know have integrity and don't cheat. Or they're just hiding it. Doubt the latter. Many of my friends (me included in my previous M) have been married to unfaithful men. I was the only W to have kicked my previous WH to the curb. Sort of immediately (excluding MC). In my last M. ALL MY OTHER FEMALE friends continued on in the marriage after their knowledge of the A. Some to have more children BUT now each and every one of them are now D. I guess there's a limit for everyone someday? I know of 2 cheating wives through others. One never came clean, was busted outright and napalmed by her BH. Her BH won't even have eye contact with her 3y later. The other WW came clean to her BH after a ONS and they've just had their 4th baby. Not a happy BH but happy "enough". I think because of the traditional breadwinner role being the H, stability of finances really, a BW is more likely to try to save the M. A BH is more likely to dump his WW. Especially if he gets custody of the children. In my personal experience only. LH
Confused48 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Great post bc I think the male chauvinists on this site tend more to say the opposite. They say women can get over it and men do not. I think that it is just sexist males tend to hold that view. No "real" man would get over it, right? LOL. In reality I don't see a tendency either way. Men get over it. Women get over it. Men kick them to the curb and women kick them to the curb. It's pretty evenly distributed, IMHO. If you look at the underlying factors for the decision to kick or not, you see that they too are evenly distributed. It's not a male of female thing to be over invested in the relationship. It's not a male or female thing to be codependent. Or more independent. It's not a make or female thing to want to shield your children from harm at the cost of your own happiness. I could go on for very factor but you get the point. 1
fellini Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) My feeling is that it is the exact opposite of this. A Betrayed wife will take into account the issues surrounding the infidelity and make a decision to keep the marriage running or not. A Betrayed husband will not keep an unfaithful wife if the issue of her having sex with another man is sufficient trauma for him. Even if he tries, he soon abandons hope. This has nothing to do with chauvinism or "growing a set" or "manning up" - phrases I completely detest in LS. It is about how hard an impact ANY sexual intercourse has on a male psyche. It's not sexism, its cultural relativism. This is how men have been raised. And it started early. I know that when I was a teenager, my experiences were called "sexual conquests" and those of my sisters made them "sluts". Anyone who thinks this does not affect gender relations is at best naive. I think it is impossible to use LS as a base study group because of the variables of gender and the abscence of information on the number of people who have decided to move on or recuperate and don't wish to share this with the any community. Don't want to make this a gender thing but reading this forum I can't help but get the impression that men (myself included) forgive more easily. Even when the affair was a very long one and continues long after DDay, the husbands are more than willing to stick it out. Whereas for women, its almost always kick him out and start divorce proceedings aimed at inflicting the maximum damage to the husbands.... Edited March 23, 2015 by fellini
road Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) I think that when the BW/BH was never thinking of getting a divorce before D day they are most likely to want to recover the marriage. Though the physical and mental cost to is where things differ. After the D day the stress is handled better by the BH. For this reason Dr Harley changed his advice for the BS to plan A (work to end the affair) advice for 6 months. Now that women plan A for a month. However he has said that most men can go past the 6 month mark. So he now advises that if the BH can handle the stress and that if they can go past the 6 month mark then that they plan A for 2 years. For that is the time most WW's end their affair. If the WW is still having an affair 2 years from D day then odds are she will not return to the marriage. So being that men can and will fight longer it will make it appear men will forgive more easily. Edited March 23, 2015 by road
LifelongCheater Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I've had AP's that broke it off when their husbands found out, gave me a NC letter/phone call, then backslid and we started up again, then he found out again and still forgave them. Especially if she's the mother of his children. The two women I've been married to ended it immediately when they found out. Since the cheating on both of them was with women very close to them I don't blame them.
Confused48 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 A Betrayed husband will not keep an unfaithful wife if the issue of her having sex with another man is sufficient trauma for him. I'm surprised to find myself disagreeing with you. However, in this case I think your view is slanted. How many times do we see BW positing that they can't get over the fact their WH put his D!ck in a place he should not have? They have the same revulsion for the wayward's sex acts as the BHs do. The BWs on this situation often think they are unusual for having these feelings, bc society tends to portray that as a male thing. Its not though. No reason for it to be a male reaction other than through artificial cultural coloring. So when you get right down to what you feel about it deep inside, there are going to be just as many women that are unable to get over the sex act as men. And just as many men that are going to get hung up on the emotional betrayal as women. Despite the cultural conditioning. 3
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I'm surprised to find myself disagreeing with you. However, in this case I think your view is slanted. How many times do we see BW positing that they can't get over the fact their WH put his D!ck in a place he should not have? They have the same revulsion for the wayward's sex acts as the BHs do. The BWs on this situation often think they are unusual for having these feelings, bc society tends to portray that as a male thing. Its not though. No reason for it to be a male reaction other than through artificial cultural coloring. So when you get right down to what you feel about it deep inside, there are going to be just as many women that are unable to get over the sex act as men. And just as many men that are going to get hung up on the emotional betrayal as women. Despite the cultural conditioning. Agreed, women are just as hurt by images of the cheating man with another woman, as men are. Woman are often highly invested and monogamy is very important to the maintenance of that investment. A woman wants to be considered special and to be "the one" he has sex with, she cannot be "the one" if he is dipping his dick elsewhere can she? If anyone wants evidence of emotional investment in men, then go read some of the break up threads. 4
atreides Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I will just say that in my personal circles, mostly women cheated and most were not forgiven. From acquaintances, the men that have cheated, most were forgiven. just my observation.
Author HurtOfGlass Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I think that when the BW/BH was never thinking of getting a divorce before D day they are most likely to want to recover the marriage. Though the physical and mental cost to is where things differ. After the D day the stress is handled better by the BH. For this reason Dr Harley changed his advice for the BS to plan A (work to end the affair) advice for 6 months. Now that women plan A for a month. However he has said that most men can go past the 6 month mark. So he now advises that if the BH can handle the stress and that if they can go past the 6 month mark then that they plan A for 2 years. For that is the time most WW's end their affair. If the WW is still having an affair 2 years from D day then odds are she will not return to the marriage. My God, this Dr.Harley is bonkers. He want a betrayed husband to endure the torture and humiliation for 2.5 years? I guess he is worshipped by cheating wives who can make their BH follow his advice. Utter garbage advice IMO 1
road Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 My God, this Dr.Harley is bonkers. He want a betrayed husband to endure the torture and humiliation for 2.5 years? I guess he is worshipped by cheating wives who can make their BH follow his advice. Utter garbage advice IMO It is up to 2 years. If he choses to go past the 6 month mark. He has 35 years dealing with thousands of patients. He has seen more then you ever will and has seen what works.
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I will just say that in my personal circles, mostly women cheated and most were not forgiven. From acquaintances, the men that have cheated, most were forgiven. just my observation. I wonder how much financial aspects and children factored into those decisions by the women? fellini does have a point too. Boys will be boys, but cheating women are worthless whores.
LifelongCheater Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Agreed, women are just as hurt by images of the cheating man with another woman, as men are. Woman are often highly invested and monogamy is very important to the maintenance of that investment. A woman wants to be considered special and to be "the one" he has sex with, she cannot be "the one" if he is dipping his dick elsewhere can she? If anyone wants evidence of emotional investment in men, then go read some of the break up threads. I totally agree with you but also have to say that what you've said is why I find it so easy to get married women to cheat. You're right, they do want to be special and "the one." In a marriage the husband almost always forgets that at some point and takes his wife for granted. That's where I come in. I'll make her feel like the most special girl on the planet. I'll make her feel like "the one" that I could never live without. Something that no one has shown her in a long time. That leads to a very high success rate. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I am not a man so i can only answer this from a woman's perspective...I think most woman for give more easily... I think we are programmed by society to do so.
LifelongCheater Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I am not a man so i can only answer this from a woman's perspective...I think most woman for give more easily... I think we are programmed by society to do so. Gotta love patriarchal societies.
Author HurtOfGlass Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I am not a man so i can only answer this from a woman's perspective...I think most woman for give more easily... I think we are programmed by society to do so. I agree with you on this point. I had no idea of infidelity before my GF cheated. But I can tell you about my family My mother is a housewife. Us children and husband is her life. If my father ever cheated (next to impossible, he too loves my mother too much), I will put all my money on my mother forgiving him and taking him back. Angry, hurt yes, but I can't imagine she breaking up the family. Too much taboo to live with. Can't say the same about my GF though.
Author HurtOfGlass Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I've had AP's that broke it off when their husbands found out, gave me a NC letter/phone call, then backslid and we started up again, then he found out again and still forgave them. Especially if she's the mother of his children. The two women I've been married to ended it immediately when they found out. Since the cheating on both of them was with women very close to them I don't blame them. I have read your thread. Please do check a psychiatrist. You need help. If you want to trigger people here, you are doing a very good job. I mean for sumone who is as successful and attractive as you, why feel need to stay in this forum rather than chase some skirt (or perhaps married skirt).... Don't you have any woman to chase right now?
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I totally agree with you but also have to say that what you've said is why I find it so easy to get married women to cheat. You're right, they do want to be special and "the one." In a marriage the husband almost always forgets that at some point and takes his wife for granted. That's where I come in. I'll make her feel like the most special girl on the planet. I'll make her feel like "the one" that I could never live without. Something that no one has shown her in a long time. That leads to a very high success rate. Yes, I can understand that. So many married women complain about a lack of connection with their husband. They complain about being taken for granted and used like a glorified housekeeper and/or nanny. Along comes prince charming saying all the right things and those women are putty in your hands. I get it. 1
JohnAdams Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I also think that women seem to forgive more easily. Based on some of the forums I have read and some of the real world experience I have witnessed. But, it may depend more on personality than sex? Some people are more programmed to forgive, move on and not take it as personally. 1
LifelongCheater Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I have read your thread. Please do check a psychiatrist. You need help. If you want to trigger people here, you are doing a very good job. I mean for sumone who is as successful and attractive as you, why feel need to stay in this forum rather than chase some skirt (or perhaps married skirt).... Don't you have any woman to chase right now? I'm trying to help. I've already had several PM's from WW's and BH's asking private questions they didn't want to post publicly. I make no apologies for who I am. I've already said if there's a hell then that's where I'm heading. I am between affairs currently but I've recently met a 40-something at the gym who's "taking charge of her life" and getting back in shape. I'm 99% sure we're going to be a thing soon. She's following a pattern I've seen a hundred times already. As a dog I'm here to help BH's, WW's, or anyone who wants it. If a husband wants to protect his marriage from affairs there's no better person to talk to than me because I've had really intimate conversations with hundreds of women about why they're willing to have affairs. They're more open with me than they would be a psychiatrist. If you want to know the dangers of drinking, you ask an alcoholic. If you want to know the dangers of drug use, ask an addict. If you want to protect your marriage, ask a guy who has been the OM more times than I can count. If you want to know about male AP's and if he really loves you then ask someone who has been there. I only want to help.
gettingstronger Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I think the stats say otherwise and it seems the stories on here back up those stats- I see more women willing to reconcile than men- I am not sure if its society or what-I think women are more nuturing than men overall-
LifelongCheater Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, I can understand that. So many married women complain about a lack of connection with their husband. They complain about being taken for granted and used like a glorified housekeeper and/or nanny. Along comes prince charming saying all the right things and those women are putty in your hands. I get it. A great warning for husbands. If you don't tend to your marriage, someone like me will.
carhill Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 My personal tally isn't inspiring, in that, three out of five couples where the MW admitted to cheating (to me) have become divorced. Of the two remaining, in one the MW died and the other they are still together but the H apparently had a revenge affair and they worked through that and are about five years out from that process and about 25 M. So, in my social circle, of the couples I know, men haven't been too forgiving, evidently. There are numerous other MW's where I lost touch and am unaware how things worked out. In all instances, the affairs disclosed were PA's. This makes sense because, generally, women in my demographic don't consider EA's to be affairs, at least applicable to themselves. 1
Confused48 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, I can understand that. So many married women complain about a lack of connection with their husband. They complain about being taken for granted and used like a glorified housekeeper and/or nanny. Along comes prince charming saying all the right things and those women are putty in your hands. I get it. Elaine, do you forget about all the MMs saying their wives take them for granted? That they need a piece on the side bc their wives don't treat them like they did before they were married? Sorry but for every post about how men are special and different, I can just take out the reference to male and insert female and find plenty of examples here on LS to support that. Examples of the personal experience of male posters that bear out the theory that males are different, well, they are just that, examples of personal experience. Your milage may differ. 1
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