I4givehim Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 This pain is awful. I can't eat. I can't sleep. When does it go away. All I do is cry. Why did he do this to me. Why!!!
Toodaloo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Eventually. There is no set time limit. Keep your chin up. 1
CopingGal Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Sorry you are in pain. What did he do to you? Reading self-help books help. Start with "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken." It's a good book. 2
Author I4givehim Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Sorry you are in pain. What did he do to you? Reading self-help books help. Start with "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken." It's a good book. He cheated on me for the past year. I am devastated. I can't think. I can't sleep. I don't know if I'm coming or going. The pain is unreal. 1
AaronSG Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 First off I'm very sorry to hear that your going through this very hard and difficult time in your life! Next, and this might be for all accounts and purposes a "leap of faith", but you have to try and trust the bulk majority of people here when they tell you that it does get better in "time"! When I started to put my foot on my own personal path of recovery from my broken heart little over 7.5 months ago, a lot of people were telling me things like "in time things will get better" or "you got to give it time", with the word time being the constant theme to what all these nice and kind people were telling me. To be honest, I honestly didn't want to hear any of it! Time this, time that, time this time that, screw that.........I want it now! But that was back when I was in the initial first stages after the breakup and my emotions were all upside down. So you might not want to hear it, but time makes all the difference, it really does, you just have to trust it! If I may be so bold, I'd like to perhaps give you some tools that might help your progression in regards to "moving forward" from this situation. It's up to you do any and or all of the following, but someone here gave me all of this when I was first dealing with my breakup and it all helped. Here we go..... If I may be so bold, the following tips might help with your progression of "moving on"! 1. First major rule....no contact, no contact and oh yeah...more no contact! 2. Ditch his phone number, remove it and delete it off your phone! 3. Remove and Block him from all forms of social media, Facebook, G+, Twitter, if it's social media, he shouldn't be there with you...remove & block! (Me personally I just went ahead and deleted my Facebook account) 4. Block his e-mail address with your e-mail service provider! 5. Go to your local Post Office and request a "stop halt block", that's what they call it! You'll give them your ex's home or mailing address and they'll set it up in the computer that mail from her won't be allowed to hit your mail box. 6. Be very careful with your music listening! Try as best you can to stay away from any forms of music or tunes or songs that might have been "your guy's songs"! To much listening to the old love stuff can weaken your heart and perhaps tempt you into breaking things like "no contact"! (7.5 month later and I'm still playing it safe by filtering and rationing my music listening) 7. Like with the music, be very careful with the TV and movies you choose to watch! I wouldn't be to quick to turn on your TV, fire up Netflix and sit down and watch a movie that you both deemed to be your favorite with her. Be careful, like with music, to much watching the old love stuff can tempt you into doing something stupid, like breaking no contact. (7.5 months later and I still have to some what filter my movie watching) 8. And personal items left by him should be either disposed of quickly and or packed up in a card board box and stored some place far and hard to reach, "out of sight out of mind"! (For myself, I made several runs to thrift stores and donated a lot of her items left behind. The rest got tossed into the dumpster, and the rare things that I wanted to keep, but couldn't handle having them around me at the time, got boxed up and are now enjoying their stay atop my Mom's garage rafters!) 9. Filter the people around you! If you've got some friend or family member that all they want to do is talk about the breakup and they become a broken record about it, stop them, tell them some talk is fine, but rehashing isn't! (I had to tell some in my life, you keep talking about it and keep breaking my heart, I might just break your face, little dramatic, but you get the hint!) 10. If it ever appears that it looks like you can't handle things on your own and you feel like your on the edge, seek professional help. Get some help, shrink, therapist, life coach, pastor, clergy.......whoever it is, just if it looks like you can't hang, get some help. (I have a shrink, nothing to be ashamed of) 11. Any photo's or images you might have of him say on your computer need to come off! Perhaps do as I did, I bought a cheap small 2 Gig USB flash drive, took all the photo's and images and video clips of him off my hard drive by transferring them all onto the flash drive. Once done I went about deleting them all off my computer! Then I turned around and gave a super close friend the USB flash drive and ordered him that no matter how much I might beg, cry, scream, demand or threaten, your not to give this back to me for 1 year! Just something to think about! 12. Keep talking, keep posting, just keep trying your best to "get it out"! If I perhaps missed anything from this list that was given to me long ago, you can always check out the following link.......the LoveShack "no contact" guidelines and rules thing! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide We'll get through this 1 day at a time! From what little was told here, and until told otherwise remember "he cheated", it wasn't your fault, it was his, so don't shoulder any blame or guilt on your own, he did his deed and ruined a good thing with you. We're here for you................keep posting! 5
elaine567 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 If I may be so bold, the following tips might help with your progression of "moving on"! 1. First major rule....no contact, no contact and oh yeah...more no contact! 2. Ditch his phone number, remove it and delete it off your phone! 3. Remove and Block him from all forms of social media, Facebook, G+, Twitter, if it's social media, he shouldn't be there with you...remove & block! (Me personally I just went ahead and deleted my Facebook account) 4. Block his e-mail address with your e-mail service provider! 5. Go to your local Post Office and request a "stop halt block", that's what they call it! You'll give them your ex's home or mailing address and they'll set it up in the computer that mail from her won't be allowed to hit your mail box. Great advice re NC, but he is her husband, and she is still living with him. 2
Author I4givehim Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 First off I'm very sorry to hear that your going through this very hard and difficult time in your life! Next, and this might be for all accounts and purposes a "leap of faith", but you have to try and trust the bulk majority of people here when they tell you that it does get better in "time"! When I started to put my foot on my own personal path of recovery from my broken heart little over 7.5 months ago, a lot of people were telling me things like "in time things will get better" or "you got to give it time", with the word time being the constant theme to what all these nice and kind people were telling me. To be honest, I honestly didn't want to hear any of it! Time this, time that, time this time that, screw that.........I want it now! But that was back when I was in the initial first stages after the breakup and my emotions were all upside down. So you might not want to hear it, but time makes all the difference, it really does, you just have to trust it! If I may be so bold, I'd like to perhaps give you some tools that might help your progression in regards to "moving forward" from this situation. It's up to you do any and or all of the following, but someone here gave me all of this when I was first dealing with my breakup and it all helped. Here we go..... If I may be so bold, the following tips might help with your progression of "moving on"! 1. First major rule....no contact, no contact and oh yeah...more no contact! 2. Ditch his phone number, remove it and delete it off your phone! 3. Remove and Block him from all forms of social media, Facebook, G+, Twitter, if it's social media, he shouldn't be there with you...remove & block! (Me personally I just went ahead and deleted my Facebook account) 4. Block his e-mail address with your e-mail service provider! 5. Go to your local Post Office and request a "stop halt block", that's what they call it! You'll give them your ex's home or mailing address and they'll set it up in the computer that mail from her won't be allowed to hit your mail box. 6. Be very careful with your music listening! Try as best you can to stay away from any forms of music or tunes or songs that might have been "your guy's songs"! To much listening to the old love stuff can weaken your heart and perhaps tempt you into breaking things like "no contact"! (7.5 month later and I'm still playing it safe by filtering and rationing my music listening) 7. Like with the music, be very careful with the TV and movies you choose to watch! I wouldn't be to quick to turn on your TV, fire up Netflix and sit down and watch a movie that you both deemed to be your favorite with her. Be careful, like with music, to much watching the old love stuff can tempt you into doing something stupid, like breaking no contact. (7.5 months later and I still have to some what filter my movie watching) 8. And personal items left by him should be either disposed of quickly and or packed up in a card board box and stored some place far and hard to reach, "out of sight out of mind"! (For myself, I made several runs to thrift stores and donated a lot of her items left behind. The rest got tossed into the dumpster, and the rare things that I wanted to keep, but couldn't handle having them around me at the time, got boxed up and are now enjoying their stay atop my Mom's garage rafters!) 9. Filter the people around you! If you've got some friend or family member that all they want to do is talk about the breakup and they become a broken record about it, stop them, tell them some talk is fine, but rehashing isn't! (I had to tell some in my life, you keep talking about it and keep breaking my heart, I might just break your face, little dramatic, but you get the hint!) 10. If it ever appears that it looks like you can't handle things on your own and you feel like your on the edge, seek professional help. Get some help, shrink, therapist, life coach, pastor, clergy.......whoever it is, just if it looks like you can't hang, get some help. (I have a shrink, nothing to be ashamed of) 11. Any photo's or images you might have of him say on your computer need to come off! Perhaps do as I did, I bought a cheap small 2 Gig USB flash drive, took all the photo's and images and video clips of him off my hard drive by transferring them all onto the flash drive. Once done I went about deleting them all off my computer! Then I turned around and gave a super close friend the USB flash drive and ordered him that no matter how much I might beg, cry, scream, demand or threaten, your not to give this back to me for 1 year! Just something to think about! 12. Keep talking, keep posting, just keep trying your best to "get it out"! If I perhaps missed anything from this list that was given to me long ago, you can always check out the following link.......the LoveShack "no contact" guidelines and rules thing! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide We'll get through this 1 day at a time! From what little was told here, and until told otherwise remember "he cheated", it wasn't your fault, it was his, so don't shoulder any blame or guilt on your own, he did his deed and ruined a good thing with you. We're here for you................keep posting! Thank you. I a happy to know you are all there for me. I have never felt so alone as I do right now. I put a smile on my face for my children's sake but I am crying on the inside. I was watching him through the window when he picked up the kids but I had to stop because I would cry for hours afterwards. I never thought this would happen to me. I thought he was the most faithful man in the world. He doesn't speak to one of his friends because the guy cheated on his wife. He thought his friend was the biggest jerk for doing that to his wife and family. I know things will get worse before it gets better. Trying to get stronger 2
Satu Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 This pain is awful. I can't eat. I can't sleep. When does it go away. All I do is cry. Why did he do this to me. Why!!! He did it because he wanted to. Anything else offered beyond that is cowardly justification after the fact. Don't buy into it. 1
Satu Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 This pain is awful. I can't eat. I can't sleep. When does it go away. All I do is cry. Why did he do this to me. Why!!! You are right, it's incredibly painful, but after a while it starts to reduce in intensity. Just let the tears flow. They are part of your healing. If you genuinely can't eat and can't sleep, please talk to your doctor. Drink enough water. It might not feel like it, but you are already in the healing process. Nature has taken you in hand. You will get through it. 1
elaine567 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I thought he was the most faithful man in the world. He doesn't speak to one of his friends because the guy cheated on his wife. He thought his friend was the biggest jerk for doing that to his wife and family. I know things will get worse before it gets better. Trying to get stronger It is a defence mechanism called Reaction Formation. He was cheating so rather than admit that, he turned his cheating, into a hatred of cheaters. Reaction formation. Now we're getting into advanced defence mechanism territory. Most people have difficulty understanding reaction formation, but it's really quite straightforward. Let's say that you secretly harbour lustful feelings toward someone you should probably stay away from. You don't want to admit to these feelings, so you instead express the very opposite of those feelings. This object of your lust now becomes the object of your bitter hatred. This defence mechanism could be subtitled the "lady doth protest too much," that wonderful quote from Hamlet. A less highbrow example is "Church Lady," the old Dana Carvey character from Saturday Night Live. Her secret obsession with pornography became reversed into her extreme scorn for all things sexual. In short, reaction formation means expressing the opposite of your inner feelings in your outward behaviour. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201110/the-essential-guide-defense-mechanisms 3
Author I4givehim Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Great advice re NC, but he is her husband, and she is still living with him. I could not look at him any more. I begged him to leave. He is staying at his mother's house. He comes to the house almost ever day to take the kids to their after school activities. I just can't believe this is my life we are writing about. Ugh!! He made such a fool out of me. I think of everything we did over the past year. There were times we were at parties and I couldn't find him because he was to busy on his phone sexting her, talking dirty to her ect.... it is disgusting what the two of them did together. The girlfriend had no problem putting details in her email. I am so grossed out. As I read her email all I could think is this my husband she is talking about. Is she sure she has the right man. 1
elaine567 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I could not look at him any more. I begged him to leave. He is staying at his mother's house. He comes to the house almost ever day to take the kids to their after school activities. I just can't believe this is my life we are writing about. Ugh!! He made such a fool out of me. I think of everything we did over the past year. There were times we were at parties and I couldn't find him because he was to busy on his phone sexting her, talking dirty to her ect.... it is disgusting what the two of them did together. The girlfriend had no problem putting details in her email. I am so grossed out. As I read her email all I could think is this my husband she is talking about. Is she sure she has the right man. OK sorry I thought he was still at home. Yes, affairs are just hell on earth. So many find that the partner they thought they knew inside out, is a stranger. YOU are not the fool, he is. 2
AaronSG Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Great advice re NC, but he is her husband, and she is still living with him. Well I feel like a horses a**, well, this kind of puts a new spin on things! I wasn't aware that "he" was the "husband", not at all. Gee Wiz, perhaps the bulk majority of my post then might apply if "she" the "wife" ever decides to kick the cheater to the curb and go it on her own! I4givehim: If it means anything, I to was the victim of a cheater and that cheater was none other than my ex-wife. We were married for 14 years, and in the final year she started fooling around on Yahoo messenger, ran into a guy from Michigan, lied to me that she was flying to Texas to visit her Sister, all the while........yup...........she was with the new guy, while still wearing my wedding ring and being legally married to me. I found out that her trip to her Sister was bogus, but kept it to myself, while advising family. 1 month later, "I want to fly to my Mom in Arizona and be with her a couple weeks, is that okay"? Sure why not, so a couple days into her trip I called her Mother, she told me that she hadn't seen her Daughter, my wife, since moving out of Sacramento..............."busted"! Her divorce papers were all printed and signed by the country clerks office before she landed, I had a good friend serve her just as she exited the plane. So needless to say, I despise cheaters, especially after being the victim of one! My heart goes out to you, I kind of know what your going through, and in the end, even with as hard as things are for you, as upside down as your world may be right now, in closing all I'm going to say is..........."you got a choice to make"! 4
spiderowl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Thank you. I a happy to know you are all there for me. I have never felt so alone as I do right now. I put a smile on my face for my children's sake but I am crying on the inside. I was watching him through the window when he picked up the kids but I had to stop because I would cry for hours afterwards. I never thought this would happen to me. I thought he was the most faithful man in the world. He doesn't speak to one of his friends because the guy cheated on his wife. He thought his friend was the biggest jerk for doing that to his wife and family. I know things will get worse before it gets better. Trying to get stronger You know this seems so common, the guy having an extra-marital affair, that I wonder whether most guys feel they need to do this at some point - to prove their manhood, to prove to themselves they are free really - though they don't want to lose the happiness, security and love they have with their family. Usually an affair blows the whole thing to pieces, but I wonder whether guys just don't think that far ahead and then end up horrified at the consequences of their actions. It seems pretty stupid to me and obvious that there would be serious consequences but why would any guy risk losing so much if it wasn't for some need to be the adventurous guy again that he has always believed he is deep down.
Satu Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 It's an act of supreme folly. A moments self reflection would reveal it as such.
CopingGal Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) He cheated on me for the past year. I am devastated. I can't think. I can't sleep. I don't know if I'm coming or going. The pain is unreal. Yeah. I remember when that happened to me. Not only did he cheat on me, he threw her in my face over and over again. There was no "I'm sorry." There was no remorse. I remember that. I've never known any emotional pain to be that bad. It was the worse pain I had ever felt in my life. He told me he loved me in April. Then he started ignoring my phone calls, didn't return my phone calls and only saw me for our therapy sessions. So I leave him. Then he lies and tells me he met someone after I left him. Then months later he confesses to cheating on me and throws her in my face again and again and again. He got off on telling me about this other woman. He got off on the pain he caused me. My relationship was one huge lie and to this day, I'm not even sure what his name is. But I made it through. I clawed my way up out of the darkness. I grew and learned while he continued to run around hurting women and causing all kind of chaos. He is the devil and I feel sorry for him. Edited March 26, 2015 by CopingGal 1
Recommended Posts