marky00 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Guys, I am a 40yr old Australian male who just got his heart smashed in Bangkok a month ago when my girlfirend of almost 10 years (long distance relationship called it off due to a new man (local Thai guy from her village). The relationship wasn't perfect and had its ups and downs but there was so much emotional and financial investment this relationship, that I am totally gutted. I made several trips to Thailand (maybe 3 per year) and she came out to Australia a half dozen times as well. I certainly am guilty of making a few mistakes a long the way and had some bad luck as well. 3 years into the relationship I sent a silly email to her saying I wanted to break up because there was a promise of things to happen in the future because she kept saying "you'll see, you'll know". Anyway, I regretted sending that email and asked for a second chance 3 days later. After a few months of sitting on it, she agreed to giving things a second go but I think deep-down, things weren't the same. Later in the relationship, my elderly dog became an issue whick took a lot of me energy away from the relationship and my ability to travel which lead her to break it off in June 2013. I flew to Bkk the next day and managed to convince her to keep things going as I didnt like her making decisions without seeing me in person and to fully understand the issues i was having at home. Anyway from June 2013 to Feb 2015, I was a saint. I did all the right things like organising 4 overseas trips, never missing birthdays, valentines etc and was basically very supportive of her during this time. I also had to euthanase my dog in Sept 2014 which made these efforts even more amazing. Anyway, she came out to Australia in mid December and we had a great time. Thought the many years of pain were going to turn around and I was finally going to get some real enjoyment out of the relationship. She left Mid December 2014 and I told her I was coming to Bkk in mid feb with my mother and grandma. Within that 2 months period, there was a lot of contact from her, a lot more than usual. I was felling very good about things so when I hit the shores of Thailand in mid Feb 2015, I was super exited as I was now free of my dog and felt the relationship was getting back to the early days. Anyway, when I got there i noticed some wierd behaviour such as her giving me expensive gifts and cutting the night short. I was in my element so exited to be there but something wasn't right. With 2 days to go in the trip she sent me a text saying she was leaving Bkk for the weekend meaning I basically wasn't going to see her before I left for Australia. After calling her a few times, she finally confessed she wanted to breakup. She didnt want to tell me but I probed further and worked out that another guy was in the picture. Totally gutted. I ask her how she could be in australia in mid decemeber and by mid feb, she is already with a new bloke and had a target on my back from day 1 and executed her plan with surgical precision. All she told me was thr new guy came on the scene after Australia and that she had a history with him (knew him from high school and same village in Thailand). Anyway, it got pretty ugly although I always kept calm and never cried or got angry once. In the end, myself and my mum and grandma were basically kicked out of the country, which is pretty sad given how I my family with her for the duration of the 10 years. Here is my point now. I have been 30 days No Contact but am considering breaking it as I have several unaswered questions and am just so gutted how things ended up. I don't think she intended to make such a butchery of things but she may have just cracked under the pressure. There is one question I really need to get off my chest, hence the reason for breaking No Contact. You see, when she was coming out to Australia, she initially suggested Christmas and New Year but I suggested we make it mid december because I was wanting to see here sooner (to help me get over my dog's death), because she said she didnt want the tickets to be too expensive and also since I was coming mid feb, I wanted to spread out the trips a bit more). I then suggested she could then go to her home town for New Years which I knew she liked to do. Well, I think she might have met this new bloke on new Years so I feel like I pushed her right into his arms. This little detail kills me and keeps me up at night. I know she probably wont tell me or will lie but I would like her to confirm either way if this story is true so I don't beat myself up for something that isnt even true. For instance, she might have had an eye on the guy before Australia but hadnt commited to a with him yet. Believe me, contacting her is really the last thing I want to do right now but for the small chance, I can get a story that I can live with more and feel less guilty about, the risk might be worth it. I remember her calling me late dec 2014 saying she missed me heaps and was exited to see me in Feb but then a few days later I figure she has met this new bloke and within a week or two, she has made her choice. I just cant bear to think that I just lost the Grand Final to the new guy. There must be something else going on here that will make me feel better. I have never experinced a breakup where I can honestly say I did everything right for the last 18 months. It is alsmost like she wanted me to fall from a great height/ Why? What should I do???? Edited March 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited out coding......
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Guys, I feel like I am going to buckle soon and break no contact. I just need a few questions answered. Please convince me otherwise.
Seeker12 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Guys, I feel like I am going to buckle soon and break no contact. I just need a few questions answered. Please convince me otherwise. Mate honestly, from my own experience of a mutual break up, you will never get closure, once the girl has moved on she has moved on. I made the mistake of making myself look like a complete a hole because i tried to keep contact shortly after, but was ruled by emotion and wasnt thinking straight - please dont do that - go NC - stay NC - your ex has moved on the last thing she cares about is you and the questions you want answered. You ARENT the centre of her world anymore - you need to stop her making her the centre of yours. 2
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) The problem is I probed for too much info at the time of the breakup but I now have half a jigsaw and I am beating myself up over of dates I chose for our last trip etc. If another guy wasnt involved it would have been a lot easier to take. But she had him sorted out before she broke it off with me, disrispected me by not telling me before I arrived in Thailand and was bombarding my with nice messages the last month or so. I beleive I have a right to know when the new guy came into the picture as part of my closure. Totally sux. I am sitting here thinking if I stuck to the original dates for the trip, I wouldnt be going through all this pain. Edited March 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited out url links.
NC-Thomas Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Sorry for your situation Marky. Seeker already said it. You are not going to get any form of closure from her. The reason is that no matter what she will tell you, the decision is already made by her. You are outside her world now, and you need to accept that. Whether you pushed this guy into her arms is non of your concern. She decided that for herself, and she would have done it with or without your help. That one situation on New Year's Eve doesn't even matter. It probably would have happened anyway, and this has been playing for a longer period probably. And she didn't tell you because she probably wasn't ready or thinking through her options before deciding it for good. While she was weighting her options, she were just waiting around, so while she was shifting you were still at one place. That's why it always comes as a surprise. Anyway, don't blame yourself for this breakup. Your mind is just wandering around, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together so that you can accept this situation and sleep at night. And that is where you make a mistake, because closure doesn't come from her, but from within. From you. Accepting reality. You should not contact her for this very reason. Remember that from now on you should try to keep full NC, no social media, nothing. If you contact her, there is a chance she will ignore you, and that will hurt even more. Also remember that once you make that active decision to start healing, thinks can only get better. And one day you will meet another woman, maybe closer to your home. Hope this helps you to gain some perspective. Edited March 25, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Sorry for your situation Marky. Whether you pushed this guy into her arms is non of your concern. She decided that for herself, and she would have done it with or without your help. That one situation on New Year's Eve doesn't even matter. It probably would have happened anyway, and this has been for a longer period probably. And she didn't tell you because she probably wasn't ready or thinking through her options before deciding it for good. While she was weighting her options, she were just waiting around, so while she was shifting you were still at one place. That's why it always comes as a surprise. Well it just would be nice to hear that from her because to be honest that would hurt a lot less than losing the Grand Final to Prince Charming. The other reason for contact would be to end things on a less brutal note. The way she handled it in Thailand was so bad. I think the pressure of having 2 guys in the same city just became too much and she just got very sloppy. I was hoping that maybe if she feels she can reduce some guilt on her end, there may be some mutal benefit for both of us. Edited March 25, 2015 by marky00
NC-Thomas Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) I think the pressure of having 2 guys in the same city just became too much and she just got very sloppy. I was hoping that maybe if she feels she can reduce some guilt on her end, there may be some mutal benefit for both of us. So you are telling me she was basically cheating on you? Probably so. Also who cares? She basically cheated and threw you at the curb while you were in Thailand for another guy. How lame is that? She doesn't deserve 1 more minute of your attention. You are curious as to what caused her to breakup up, I understand. Just understand that digging in the past might not be the right decision. The more you digg, the more details you will have, the more you have to process. You might regret it. Also what makes you think she will even give you any info? Do you really think she is going to tell you about her manipulative decisions? No way, it's not in her interest. Sometimes ignorance really is a bliss, but it seems you already have made up your mind here and I can't convince you to go full NC. Check this forum for topics that are about breaking NC. Read them. If you still want to break NC, then call her and then never contact her again. Edited March 25, 2015 by NC-Thomas 1
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 I hear you. I am proud of my 30 days NC and the fact I showed no emotion or anger in Thailand. But as time is passing I am realising, if any meaningful contact is likley to happen, it would need to happen soon before she has totally moved on and where asking the questions will simply look ridiculous. I suppose because this time window is closing, that might be causing me the anxiety. I take your point about the way she treated me. But after 10 years, thats waht make it more tough to understand.
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Fuc, I just need to break NC. I just need to know she didnt meet this guy on New Years (even though I am 85% that is when it was). The story I have in my head sux, I need a different story.
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Spoke to my counsellor and although she understands why I would want to know exactly when the other guy came on the scene, she has confirmed the views shared by others that any contact will most likely cause more grief long term. Totally sux having to accept such a crappy ending, in terms of lack of answers and the cruelty of the breakup (I was so good to her in the last 2 years, never hurt her). I have come up with a plan that might sound silly but I think it might help me from not breaking NC. I was thinking of going back to Thailand in 6 months to possibly find a new partner. I invested a lot of time in learning the culture so I want to get back on the horse so to speak. While I am there but, I will lookup my Ex and simply ask if she wants to meet for lunch (as a kind of peace thing). 4 objectives of this meeting: 1) Because I figure, I might see her in 6 months, NC makes total sense right now. 2) I plan on being strong and mostly indiffernt by then so seeing her in person will help affirm that. 3) Its the best way of knowing where she is at once her head is clear. 4) For me, it will help negate the horrible ending to the relationship, which is not a reflection of the way we lived it. I know you guys will say that if I am thinking of seeing her in 6 months, I am not moving on and it will hurt me more. This may be the case but its just the way I feel. I was always like a dog with a bone in this relationship, never gave up, tried 100 percent to the end. If we meet for lunch, and find some peace for the past and I walk away freely, respecting her wishes but also respecting myself and also showing my defiance. I wont be licking my wounds in Australia forever, no way. Anyway, if it helps me stay with NC for 6 months, then I am happy with the plan. I am sure you will all disagree.
mightycpa Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 On the one hand, it is good that you've made a goal for your future. On the other hand, you have made the wrong goal. Your goal keeps you tied to the past. By all means, go find yourself a Thai woman, although I'm not sure what attracts you to a intercontinental relationship. Wouldn't an Australian be a better choice? Or at least a Thai willing to move? But drop the peace conference as a goal. It's an anchor, and you'll have a difficult enough time without it.
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Spoke to my counsellor and although she understands why I would want to know exactly when the other guy came on the scene, she has confirmed the views shared by others that any contact will most likely cause more grief long term. Totally sux having to accept such a crappy ending, in terms of lack of answers and the cruelty of the breakup (I was so good to her in the last 2 years, never hurt her). I have come up with a plan that might sound silly but I think it might help me from not breaking NC. I was thinking of going back to Thailand in 6 months to possibly find a new partner. I invested a lot of time in learning the culture so I want to get back on the horse so to speak. While I am there but, I will lookup my Ex and simply ask if she wants to meet for lunch (as a kind of peace thing). 4 objectives of this meeting: 1) Because I figure, I might see her in 6 months, NC makes total sense right now. 2) I plan on being strong and mostly indiffernt by then so seeing her in person will help affirm that. 3) Its the best way of knowing where she is at once her head is clear. 4) For me, it will help negate the horrible ending to the relationship, which is not a reflection of the way we lived it. I know you guys will say that if I am thinking of seeing her in 6 months, I am not moving on and it will hurt me more. This may be the case but its just the way I feel. I was always like a dog with a bone in this relationship, never gave up, tried 100 percent to the end. If we meet for lunch, and find some peace for the past and I walk away freely, respecting her wishes but also respecting myself and also showing my defiance. I wont be licking my wounds in Australia forever, no way. Anyway, if it helps me stay with NC for 6 months, then I am happy with the plan. I am sure you will all disagree. The thing about your plan, and the objective that you stated in the previous posts, is that you want to make contact BEFORE she moves on completely.... The fact of the matter is, that she has ALREADY moved on completely... These people who jump from one relationship to another, one person to anther, or overlap people (cheating), they move on REAL quick. I was one of them, i have been on both sides of the river. When they dump you, the stop thinking about you. They are just ruthless like that. NOTHING that you could have done was going to make her stay. You didn't do anything WRONG.... you didn't miss anything.... In a REAL relationship, when people do something wrong and piss the other person off, the person actually comes to you and tells you that "Hey, you hurt me by doing so and so. please, check your behavior" they don't just replace you in a week, and not even communicate... The point being, she is not thinking about you, she is gone.... You might hear from here some time down the road. When life sends someone exactly like her in her path. And then he will give her the same hurt..... SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT LESSON.... Lesson of PAIN! Only then, 1-2-3-10 years down the road, she will be sitting in her room crying about how much it hurts. And only then, all the people (including you) will zoom past her eyes, and she will realize how much she hurt you. Then she may or may not change.... you may or may not here from here... Good thing for you, you will be in some awesome relationship by then.... MOVE ON DUDE! I know, it is easier said than done.... but you gotta do it!
Author marky00 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Thanks Karin, I agree with you about the moving on thing. When she broke it off with me she was crying and stuff but she was definately different or at least acting different (more strong with me). I knew this time I could not change her mind. However, despite her moving on, I do believe I am still entitled to some answers, mainly when she met the new guy because I invested my time and emotion during a period where her mind was elsewhere and I would like an explanation. I have known her a long time and I believe I can get some type of explanation provided she understands its for closure purposes only. I think my 35 days of NC shows I am not desperate. But if i am going to stay up at night replaying the what ifs etc, I would prefer that to be based on facts. Anyway, I am thinking of sending her a text message outlining that I would like to call her when its ok by her. I will also state that I respect her decision and don't plan on making any surprise trips to Thailand (have been known to do that lol). The purpose of the call would mainly be to ask a few questions about what happened. I realise it is very possible she wont answer in which case I will just send an email. The email will pretty much just state what I believe happened and then its up to her to do nothing or possibly respond. Right now the story of her meeting Prince Charming shortly after Australia and then planning my demise within a few weeks is just too much after 10 years. If this is in fact the story, then my breaking NC may be worthless. But the present story isn't sitting right so any variation will help somewhat. I plan on doing this in next few days or there is no point. I dont care about my ego anymore or giving her an ego boost. This is about me finding some peace and that trumps all the other reasons. But when I read this from another poster: "But here's the thing.... if you can keep this to yourself, if you can take the High Road and walk away and don't try and unload on her, she's going to have to deal with all that guilt -- and YES, she will feel it. The bigger you are right now, the more she'll suffer for it." And this: "However, if you force him to meet with you after 3 weeks to rehash the breakup? He gets to feel like a victim and feel justified in having treated you so badly." I then think I shouldn't contact. But I want to know when this guy came into the picture so I don't feel silly for changing the holiday dates etc. This sux. So do I go for getting some clarity at the expense of an ego boost and guilt reduction for her? Tough delimma. Also I just wonder if reaching out and asking a few questions actually puts me more on the high road. I am not begging etc, just asking composed questions and showing no hate etc. The way it went down, she probably assumes me and my whole family have been whining about her (partially true) I could portray an image that this is not the case which puts more back on her. The way I see it, if I don't put blame on her or get angry or emotional, then there may be no negatives associated with the call (except more details to process). Am I wrong? The other thing to consider is that being a long distance relationship we sometimes did 3 weeks NC. My point being NC is less meaningful in my case because we lived NC in the relationship anyway. Not sure if that changes the strategy. So what do I do: go for the possibility of closure (a more favourable story e.g. she knew of the guy before Australia) vs NC? Edited March 25, 2015 by marky00
Author marky00 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 guys, what should I do really? I am defo going to break NC unless someone can convince me strongly otherwise. I need a few more answers and closure, even though I know it will hurt me more.
NC-Thomas Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) guys, what should I do really? I am defo going to break NC unless someone can convince me strongly otherwise. I need a few more answers and closure, even though I know it will hurt me more. We already told you to keep NC and move on. Plus: why are you asking us when it seems you already made up your mind? (e.g. really wanting to get "closure from her") Now, I STRONGLY advice you to read this and move on. http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/Closure Then if you still want to call her, go and do it. Maybe then you will learn what is best for you. Because most of us already made that mistake of getting closure, but it seems that the valuable advice given to you in this thread is falling on deaf ears. Edited March 26, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Author marky00 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 falling on deaf ears. Not at all, hence why I keep hesitating/posting. I am just waiting for 1 person who I respect to tell me contacting could be of some benefit, but 35 days later, that person has not appeared.
mightycpa Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Not at all, hence why I keep hesitating/posting. I am just waiting for 1 person who I respect to tell me contacting could be of some benefit, but 35 days later, that person has not appeared.Good thing you didn't hold your breath, right? The person you're waiting for is a unicorn. He or she doesn't exist. 1
LYNNLH Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 guys, what should I do really? I am defo going to break NC unless someone can convince me strongly otherwise. I need a few more answers and closure, even though I know it will hurt me more. Marky... You're hurting now..and you are not thinking straight..10 years is a long time..very long..I know exactly how you feel...because mine was 7 years..and my story should be worse than yours (you can read if you are interested)..blinded sided and dumped after the person moved to another country in less than 3 months..I am hurting as well..but I'm moving on and have maintained NC for the past 1 month plus..I am very sure I will never break NC..very sure of that.. I read you have planned to go back to Thailand in 6 months time..please don't plan this. Please focus on moving on for the past 6 months. Forget about Thailand for now..focus on giving yourself 6 months time to heal and move on from the relationship. She found someone else and has considered being with him over you. Anytime these people have any plans to leave the relationship, there is no point hanging on to it anymore. Whenever you feel weak..remind yourself of this..She chose him over me..why would you want someone like that? I know I'm not the best person to give you the best advice as I'm still hurting and healing..I do understand how you weak you feel but trust me. Please remind yourself daily that she chose the guy over you and you will not accept that. You will move on no matter how hard and you will never break NC. Let's do this together..I know and swear I will never break NC and I'm sure you can do that as well. Please also try the breakuprecovery guide..That is one good website to take a look at and do post your problems there too. She gives the best advice. may take her sometime to respond but she always publishes and responds. She gave me some good advice and I still go back to read her advice over and over during my weak moments. Hope this helps..
Author marky00 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Thanks Lynn I hear you. I just feel really foolish bring the trip to australia 3 weeks forward. That What If is a real killer and the 10% chance of removing my guilt (extreme unluckiness) is really the only reason for breaking the NC in all honesty. Sounds childish I know but it is what it is.
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