darkbloom Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 As today marks 90 days of strict no contact with my ex, I decided to pull together a list of my 5 strongest pieces of advice to help you heal. Some of you might still need to touch the stove to realize that it is indeed hot. But for the rest of you hurting that want it to stop, I have good news. I have been reading the LS forum for some 90 days and have come across some of the same issues over and over. Some of them involve the NC guide with more explanation and reasoning behind them. Read them to yourself when you feel weak. 1. NC is the fastest way to stop hurting. I know it's hard and every piece of your mind is rebelling against the thought of doing so. You are emotional and NC is the most logical thing that your mind will have a hard time accepting. Please disregard any of those websites you have already visited about using NC to get your ex to come back to you. You are not in the business of manipulating anyone. You are in the business of stopping the pain and feeling like yourself again. Take this as an opportunity of a new beginning for yourself. 2. NC only works if you do. You must make a commitment to yourself, right now, that you will NOT sabotage your healing. This means your commitment to block them on every platform including: phone numbers, email addresses, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, WhatsApp, etc. Block their friends too. Anything that will trigger you to regress must be removed. If you are still going to stalk their Facebook, you should just take your dignity and self-respect and hand it to your ex. There is little point in not texting/talking to them if you are going to break the social media NC. Just because they don't know you are checking up on them does not make it better. You are going to be in pain because NOTHING your ex posts will make you feel better. None of it is with you or about you. Watching your ex move on through social media is like pushing the knife deeper in your heart. You have to decide that enough is enough. 3. You are going to have strong urges to break NC. It's going to hit you when you least expect it. When in doubt, do not contact. I repeat, abort mission. Instead, come here and post everything you want to say. You will feel much better, I promise. Even just reading other stories will help you realize that you are not alone. Every excuse you come up with to contact you ex is going to be lame. If you have followed point 2 above your commitment to your own emotional health will help you realize this. 4. It's okay to be sad, but you must pull yourself together. Work is not an acceptable place to fall to pieces. Not a single person in the bar cares about your breakup. Schedule yourself time everyday in private to let out all of your emotions. You might have to fake it for a little while. Do not allow this breakup to have a negative impact on other aspects of your life. 5. For the love of all that is holy, if you are going to drink, give possession of your cell phone to a friend. Drinking lowers your inhibitions and lowers your defenses. Under no circumstances should you make a potentially emotionally debilitating decision under the influence of alcohol. This is the fastest way to show your ex that you are pathetic and that you want to start back at day 1 of NC. I hope all of my LS legends will chime in with their best advice. Be well, darkbloom 4
Author darkbloom Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Simple go NC and delete everything. Never try and keep someone who doesn't want to keep you. And never ever ever try to manipulate someone into being with you. 3
FancyFace Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 For me the hardest was social media stalking. I had to fight myself every single day, sometimes every single hour, to stop myself from stalking. The one day I faltered and looked and saw how he was living it up, having the time of his life with the ex gf that had been an issue in our sham of a relationship, the pain was so excruciating that I never repeated that mistake. Great point on blocking mutual friends. I struggled with this one, until I realised that I was using these people as a means to hold onto hope by proxy. I blocked each and every one. 4 months after the fact I am better than I was at the beginning of this whole ordeal but I wouldnt have been able to do it had I had contact of any kind. Stay strong people. There really is light at the end of this long narrow tunnel.
sabd Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Stay strong people. There really is light at the end of this long narrow tunnel. Indeed there is! After my last breakup 3 months ago, I went NC immediately and made a conscious effort to disconnect and disengage from him completely, including mutual friends on Facebook. It was honestly the best thing I've done and my hard work at getting over things and recovering has paid off in a relatively short amount of time. When you change your mindset and come to the realisation that you deserve better, you can let go and get on with your life. I'm happy to say that I've now met a pretty amazing guy and I'm looking forward to how things progress with him. However, had I remained stuck and pining for someone who dumped me, I would not have been open to this new possibility. It really is worth it to guts it out, stay strong and determined to reclaim your life! 1
Author darkbloom Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Social media is absolutely crucial to avoid. I think they should update the NC guide with a bigger emphasis on social media and mutual friends. I've had urges to check but I know how much pain I will cause myself if I check.
jphcbpa Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Social media is absolutely crucial to avoid. I think they should update the NC guide with a bigger emphasis on social media and mutual friends. I've had urges to check but I know how much pain I will cause myself if I check. Agree. Best to shut it all down for 90 days or longer. Also it gives you space/time to put energy just on yourself. You are not comparing your insides to everyones outsides. FB is like a never ending Christmas card.
haribogumsnickers Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Simple go NC and delete everything. Never try and keep someone who doesn't want to keep you. Delete her for eternal sunshine on the spotless mind.
smellysocksuni Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hi Darkbloom, A brilliant post After 90 days of NC, how do you feel compared to say, day 2?
LooperDooper Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't know about 90 days, but I've been broken up for just about 2 months. NC came and went, but have stuck through it religiously for 2.5 weeks and well to be honest, I have not looked back. I made a conscious decision to let go and let go forever, and since then NC has not only strengthened me, it has made me look at life differently. I'm feeling good about myself, happy and I'm meeting new people who clearly I would not have if I stayed moping around. I even have a girl or two interested in me (even though I'm staying away from relationships while I recover completely) but it gives you confidence and makes you realize there are people who can make you JUST as happy, if not HAPPIER than that other person. Seriously, take the time you need to go NC for the right reasons of letting go, not holding it as a way to get back because it doesn't heal you like that. Trust me, realize there is no point in taking somebody back who isn't convinced about you. Instead, be thankful you are free to find the person for you, be thankful you will not be a plan B for somebody or even be thankful the other person left now rather than later on when you are more comfortable. Enjoy life, smile and feel good. Seriously it starts as easy as making the decision to disappear from their life (but don't lie or kid yourself, it's for your own good to make the decision yourself). It gets better and we do feel better. They weren't perfect nor are they the only people left in this world to date. There are others who are even better for you, you just gotta open eyes and mind and start searching. 1
seminoles84 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 On the point of Social Media. Rarely does anyone post negative stuff about their lives on social media.. they only post high point. Do not believe half of what you see on Social Media. 2
Jessie1231 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I completely agree about the part with social media being the hardest. The only part of NC I would break is stalking on social media. I wanted the guy's life to fall apart. Then I finally realized that even if he was depressed or having any kind of problems, he wouldn't post it for the world to see. Even right after our break up, you couldn't tell I was suffering from my social media so why on earth did I think I would see that on his? Once I realized that there was nothing I could gain besides bad things (like seeing the pics from the fun ski trip with his new gf), I gave up on the social media stalking too and NC was finally able to work. It is beyond hard at times, but it is completely worth it because you do get better. 1
Jonp219 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 On the point of Social Media. Rarely does anyone post negative stuff about their lives on social media.. they only post high point. Do not believe half of what you see on Social Media. lol tell that to my ex She's been writing about me on her Twitter ever since the break up (over a month ago). However I stopped checking her social media today marks a week, (longest I've gone so far). And to be honest, although I miss her like crazy, I'm hanging in there.
MLAZ1990 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 If only you could just delete stuff from the brain! 2
Author darkbloom Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Hi Darkbloom, A brilliant post After 90 days of NC, how do you feel compared to say, day 2? I can honestly say that I feel about 96% better today than I did on day 2. The first week was absolute hell. It was the week of Christmas and I was truly devastated. I was so very hurt and angry. NC gave me the clarity I needed to see the situation and the space to deal with my feelings. Some days I am still very angry with him and other days it's just meh. Being in contact would have hurt me more though. I know for certain because I have done this dance with him three times. Most days are good and I have a positive outlook. We work in the same industry and some colleagues told me he moved to Vegas last week for a job. Had I not been focused on my own healing, I would have tried to get in contact with him immediately. NC is the best thing for both of us. He already knew my thoughts on the job he took, but if he wanted me to know he moved, he would have gotten in contact with me. He cheated on me and he broke up with me. Really, what else is there left to say? I am still going to send his mom a mother's day card though. With absolutely no intention of either of us getting into contact. His mother should not have to suffer because she has a son that makes bad decisions. I want her to know how much I appreciated her and that I have not forgotten about her kindness to me. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming months. I still love him and miss him a lot. The Vegas move has sealed the coffin on my hope of him coming back. I am working on missing him less. I don't know how to let go of the love. I am trying like hell though.
Skinnyminnie Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Can you guys please let me know if this is okay... I have deactivated my Facebook, it was pointless before we broke up, and I have unfollowed my ex on Instagram. Now the questions is, should I block him from seeing my posts on Instagram? It's been debated on and honestly it's 50/50. I'm split in half really. We were together for 12 years and engaged to be married this year. He broke it off in a very passive aggressively way and has "moved on" with the help of his new co-workers/friends. All of whom he had just met in, oh let's say in October. He LOVED my family. I mean freaking LOVED THEM. I mean he made it a point to maintain contact with them after we broke up and was devastated to find out that they unfriended him on FB. I have had no contact with him for 2 weeks now (3 months broken up, but had to meet twice since the breakup to handle our financials and we're officially done!) and honestly have no desire to see him. Everyday I'm getting a little stronger, but I'm human and can admit that I still miss him and still love him. I'm just upset that he turned out to be the person he hated. His mom did the same thing to his dad, but he really didn't know the whole story. I think he is also a G.I.G.S. male and who knows if one day he'll regret his choices. I'm praying every night that if that moment came, I'd send him to hell! Maybe it's human nature or just a woman thing, but I do want him to come back asking for another chance. I'm torn because I want to say HELL NO and at the same time I've always been a forgiving person, but to those who truly mean it and show it, and would want to forgive him. Thanks in advance!
Author darkbloom Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Can you guys please let me know if this is okay... I have deactivated my Facebook, it was pointless before we broke up, and I have unfollowed my ex on Instagram. Now the questions is, should I block him from seeing my posts on Instagram? It's been debated on and honestly it's 50/50. I'm split in half really. We were together for 12 years and engaged to be married this year. He broke it off in a very passive aggressively way and has "moved on" with the help of his new co-workers/friends. All of whom he had just met in, oh let's say in October. He LOVED my family. I mean freaking LOVED THEM. I mean he made it a point to maintain contact with them after we broke up and was devastated to find out that they unfriended him on FB. I have had no contact with him for 2 weeks now (3 months broken up, but had to meet twice since the breakup to handle our financials and we're officially done!) and honestly have no desire to see him. Everyday I'm getting a little stronger, but I'm human and can admit that I still miss him and still love him. I'm just upset that he turned out to be the person he hated. His mom did the same thing to his dad, but he really didn't know the whole story. I think he is also a G.I.G.S. male and who knows if one day he'll regret his choices. I'm praying every night that if that moment came, I'd send him to hell! Maybe it's human nature or just a woman thing, but I do want him to come back asking for another chance. I'm torn because I want to say HELL NO and at the same time I've always been a forgiving person, but to those who truly mean it and show it, and would want to forgive him. Thanks in advance! Blocking him on social media is for your own health, not to punish him. 12 years is a long time together and he has broken your trust completely. The very best thing you can do is focus on yourself and try not to worry about him coming back. I know its going to be hard, but you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may never come back. If he did decide to come back, that would be a long road to building the trust again. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Everything works itself out in the end.
Skinnyminnie Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you Darkbloom. I agree that blocking him is best for my health and not to punish him because as crappy as it sounds, I am trying to punish him and didn't even know it. I will block him from knowing about me and my family. I was posing videos of us hanging out doing the things he liked and that he's missing. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to spark something in him? Most likely that was it. I don't want to be sad anymore. As much as I miss him, I do need to be firm and really try to move on and let go. I'm promising myself that I need to stop focusing on whether he'll regret it or come back because it doesn't help me. Not in the very least! Thanks again for your thoughts. I truly appreciate it.
Author darkbloom Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you Darkbloom. I agree that blocking him is best for my health and not to punish him because as crappy as it sounds, I am trying to punish him and didn't even know it. I will block him from knowing about me and my family. I was posing videos of us hanging out doing the things he liked and that he's missing. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to spark something in him? Most likely that was it. I don't want to be sad anymore. As much as I miss him, I do need to be firm and really try to move on and let go. I'm promising myself that I need to stop focusing on whether he'll regret it or come back because it doesn't help me. Not in the very least! Thanks again for your thoughts. I truly appreciate it. I am guilty of posting instagram and facebook things in the hope that he would notice. I did not make them about him, but I posted pictures going out with friends, my new outfits, etc. I was always disappointed when he did not respond and then I realized I was living my life for him. I blocked him for good and put a stop to all of that nonsense. As much as I want him back in my life, it would not make me happy. Only I can control my happiness.
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