Can texting too much ruin my chances? Or "friendzone" me?

[Chris715]

I will try to keep a long story short. Met a girl on Tinder a little over a week ago. We had great chemistry communicating on there right off the bat and I quickly got her number. Now for the last week or so we have been texting quite a bit every day and I'm worried this might not be the best way to get to know her.

 

Texting is great, we talk about interesting things, ask how each other's days are, etc. but I'm worried it will put me into a friendzone with the lack of physical contact. I've arranged for us to get together for coffee or drinks in about a week (the soonest it works for both of us, she wanted to meet sooner) so I think that's a good sign, but should I lay off the texting in the mean time? If I stop initiating then she does, which is another good sign I guess? But I can't just flat out ignore her when she's texting me good morning and asking about my day.

 

Here's the end of our conversation for the night, it kind of gave me a "you're a friend" vibe but maybe I'm reading too much into it.

 

Me: "It's refreshing that you appreciate a lot of this stuff. Most people don't even know how to open a book anymore." (We were talking about Shakespeare and stuff I was reading for homework, which she's interested in)

 

Her: "I know the feeling! I'm glad you appreciate it too. I honestly can't even think of anyone I know who I can talk to about stuff like this I'm finally heading to bed though. Good luck with all of your reading and sleep well when you finally get to!"

 

Me: "Haha thanks. Goodnight :)"

 

Also earlier she added me on Facebook and I texted her saying "Your profile pic is cute :)" and she replied with "Well thanks for saying so :)"

 

So what do you guys think? Honestly I'm a little paranoid about the whole "friendzone" thing because I've had girls in the past say they only like me as a friend and it's definitely hurt, so now I'm trying to avoid it. Should I text her less until we meet next week and only respond when she initiates with me?"

 

Edit: I am 24 and she is 23, both in college if that adds any context.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I didn't get a friend zone vibe at all. Have you guys gone out yet?

[Chris715]

I didn't get a friend zone vibe at all. Have you guys gone out yet?

 

Well I'm glad to hear that from someone else's perspective, maybe I am just over thinking things. No we're going to meet up for coffee in a week.

[haribogumsnickers]

I didn't get a friend zone vibe at all. Have you guys gone out yet?

 

Try callin her and see how that goes.

[fitnessfan365]

Your instincts are dead on man. It seems counter-intuitive. But by chatting with a woman all the time, it actually makes her start to see you as a friend, the guy she can always talk to and turn to, etc.. This may be great once you're in a long term relationship with her. But it's death when you're trying to build sexual attraction with a woman.

 

Remember, the whole point of a date is to get to know someone IN PERSON. Now obviously you don't want to be rude and flat out ignore the girl. But that doesn't mean you have to chat with her either. If she keeps texting you before the date, take your time in responding. Then let her know that you're headed out for the evening but are looking forward to seeing her (insert day of date). While it seems rude to play text dodge, you're communicating to her that you're a busy guy with lots going on in his life, and that you aren't at her beck and call to chat all day long.

[Chris715]

Your instincts are dead on man. It seems counter-intuitive. But by chatting with a woman all the time, it actually makes her start to see you as a friend, the guy she can always talk to and turn to, etc.. This may be great once you're in a long term relationship with her. But it's death when you're trying to build sexual attraction with a woman.

 

Remember, the whole point of a date is to get to know someone IN PERSON. Now obviously you don't want to be rude and flat out ignore the girl. But that doesn't mean you have to chat with her either. If she keeps texting you before the date, take your time in responding. Then let her know that you're headed out for the evening but are looking forward to seeing her (insert day of date). While it seems rude to play text dodge, you're communicating to her that you're a busy guy with lots going on in his life, and that you aren't at her beck and call to chat all day long.

 

So I'm thinking stop initiating so much with her (or if I do keep it brief?) and also respond but keep it brief when she texts me. And then obviously contact her over the weekend to reconfirm out meet up.

[fitnessfan365]

So I'm thinking stop initiating so much with her (or if I do keep it brief?) and also respond but keep it brief when she texts me. And then obviously contact her over the weekend to reconfirm out meet up.

 

This is of course just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. But I never re-confirm. Once I make a date with a woman, I show up at the given place and time unless I hear otherwise from her. By re-confirming it communicates a lack of confidence.

 

Remember though this is a woman you don't even know. So after you make plans to get together, you shouldn't be initiating at all. Why invest anytime in a woman you've spent no time with? A woman has to earn your time and affection. If you start to have some great dates with her, shoot her a quick text saying that something reminded you of her. But in the beginning, especially heading into the first meet/date, don't text her whatsoever. If she reaches out to you, respond 3-4 hours later and let her know that you're on your way out, but are looking forward to seeing her soon.

[SteelPanther]

I didn't get a friendzone vibe either. I suggest hanging out but txt/call her with a concrete plan to make it seem like you're taking charge. She'll like the idea of a well thought plan and if she likes you and wants to spend time with you, she'll come along.

 

Maybe tone it down but if you like someone, you want to communicate with them so I'm not sure here. I'd suggest setting up a plan that concrete e.g. set time, place, inviting her out somewhere and then not talking to her until the date occurs that way it builds up the excitement and you know she's agreed to hang out. Another positive is that at least on the date, you two can talk about what you did during the time you didn't talk.

[fitnessfan365]

I didn't get a friendzone vibe either. I suggest hanging out but txt/call her with a concrete plan to make it seem like you're taking charge. She'll like the idea of a well thought plan and if she likes you and wants to spend time with you, she'll come along.

 

Maybe tone it down but if you like someone, you want to communicate with them so I'm not sure here. .

 

I want to stress that I don't feel he's in the friend zone right now. But he will be if he keeps chatting with her all the time before they even have a first date.

 

Also, maybe it's because I'm 100% realist. But how can you like someone you've never spent anytime with? In the end, it doesn't matter how good someone is at sending an email or texts. What matters is how the dates go in person. My mindset is to treat a woman like an option until she proves herself enough to become a priority, After I've had some good dates with a woman, I'm all for initiating a text once and awhile. But when you haven't even had a first meet/date yet, it's best just to talk to her in person and not build expectations.

Edited March 23, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[stupidkittten]

I don't think talking a lot will put you in the friend zone. My current boyfriend and I started talking over facebook and within 4 months had over 100,000 messages together. It's more of how you talk to her. Just be flirty. If she tries to talk to you about other guys, don't respond because then you're starting to border on friend zone. I personally love when I can text a guy all the time. It makes them a lot more attractive to me. You get friendzoned if she doesn't text back and you send mutiple texts or start seeming desperate to talk to her. As long as she doesn't start backing off, I don't see anything wrong with it. Talk to her as much as she talks to you. So far that doesn't seem friend zone ish. When I say something to a guy that implies I can connect with him on a topic better than anyone, it's a really good thing.

[fitnessfan365]

My current boyfriend and I started talking over facebook and within 4 months had over 100,000 messages together. .

 

The keyword here though is "boyfriend". As you say it took four months while you were consistently dating and having sex. When things are going well in person and progressing well into the "boyfriend/girlfriend' stage, that's natural to talk regularly.

 

This is a woman he hasn't even met in person yet. There's a vast difference between that and being in a relationship with someone. Before you can get into a relationship with a woman, you have to develop a sexual attraction with her and get her to see you as a lover and not a friend. Treating her like a chat buddy before you even meet in person is the fastest way into the friend zone.

[stupidkittten]

The keyword here though is "boyfriend". As you say it took four months while you were consistently dating and having sex. When things are going well in person and progressing well into the "boyfriend/girlfriend' stage, that's natural to talk regularly.

 

This is a woman he hasn't even met in person yet. There's a vast difference between that and being in a relationship with someone. Before you can get into a relationship with a woman, you have to develop a sexual attraction with her and get her to see you as a lover and not a friend. Treating her like a chat buddy before you even meet in person is the fastest way into the friend zone.

 

oh no, we weren't dating. I meant the months before we were dating. a good portion of that was before we met. we met after 2 months of talking

[fitnessfan365]

oh no, we weren't dating. I meant the months before we were dating. a good portion of that was before we met. we met after 2 months of talking

 

Haha.. Well that's definitely an exception to the rule. Most women would get bored and turned off at the lack of action taken. I mean what in the hell was he waiting for during those two months? Plus, that's a HUGE gamble investing that much time with someone you don't know if you'll have chemistry/attraction with in person. I hope you know how lucky you got, because that could have been a huge disaster.

 

If I meet a woman online, I exchange two emails tops. Then I say "It's been great getting to know you so far. But now I'd like to hear your voice and actually talk to you. So let's do our next email exchange over the phone. What's your number and a good day to talk?" Then I call her, talk for 15-20 minutes, and make plans to see her within the week.

[stupidkittten]

Haha.. Well that's definitely an exception to the rule. Most women would get bored and turned off at the lack of action taken. I mean what in the hell was he waiting for during those two months? Plus, that's a HUGE gamble investing that much time with someone you don't know if you'll have chemistry/attraction with in person. I hope you know how lucky you got, because that could have been a huge disaster.

 

If I meet a woman online, I exchange two emails tops. Then I say "It's been great getting to know you so far. But now I'd like to hear your voice and actually talk to you. So let's do our next email exchange over the phone. What's your number and a good day to talk?" Then I call her, talk for 15-20 minutes, and make plans to see her within the week.

 

We weren't talking to each other as a means to an end. We were talking because we just got along on some status. You make it sound like you should treat everyone as means to an end instead of just letting things flow on their own. Plus when we first started talking, neither of us were looking to date the other because I was just ending a relationship and he was getting ready to move cross country. But after talking so much, things happened.

Edited March 23, 2015 by stupidkittten

[fitnessfan365]

We weren't talking to each other as a means to an end. We were talking because we just got along on some status. You make it sound like you should treat everyone as means to an end instead of just letting things flow on their own. Plus when we first started talking, neither of us were looking to date the other because I was just ending a relationship and he was getting ready to move cross country. But after talking so much, things happened.

 

Well to be honest, I don't go on Facebook at all, or chat with people online just for the hell of it. Having fun with cool people on this forum is as close as I get. If I am online talking to women, it's for the sole purpose of finding ones I want to meet in person to date.