syracuseguy95 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 So before I start talking about the situation, here is some background. I met this guy last month. I met him on a gay dating site, and it was meant to be just a hookup. I was expecting to be just friends with benefits or **** buddies. However, things took a very sharp turn when we met, and untapped feelings started to flourish. We both became crazy about each other, we talked every day, whether it was through text, or through email. We have been seeing each other for about 7 weeks now, and we just hit a streak of 29 days of seeing each non stop. About 6 weeks in he said he loved me. He also introduced me to Narcotics Anonymous. Me being an addict like him, I decided to go, and now I'm part of the program. He has done so much for me. Here's the part that freaks people out. He's 54 and I'm 19. Now, before people go and start talking about how naive I am, with us it's about 25% sexual, 75% emotional. We spend more time just enjoying being around each other than getting down and dirty. And he always says how much he cares about me an how he's always careful about not hurting me. Anyway, I'm moving to away this fall to go to school. It's only a 2.5 hour drive, but it's still distance between us. I told him that I'm thinking of not going, but he won't let me back out of going to a good school because he wants me to be successful, and he said we'll make it work. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do. Should I ask him to move with me? Should I try doing long distance? I'm terrified of losing him, and I guess I'm just afraid that if I move, the distance will drive us apart.
Redhead14 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 So before I start talking about the situation, here is some background. I met this guy last month. I met him on a gay dating site, and it was meant to be just a hookup. I was expecting to be just friends with benefits or **** buddies. However, things took a very sharp turn when we met, and untapped feelings started to flourish. We both became crazy about each other, we talked every day, whether it was through text, or through email. We have been seeing each other for about 7 weeks now, and we just hit a streak of 29 days of seeing each non stop. About 6 weeks in he said he loved me. He also introduced me to Narcotics Anonymous. Me being an addict like him, I decided to go, and now I'm part of the program. He has done so much for me. Here's the part that freaks people out. He's 54 and I'm 19. Now, before people go and start talking about how naive I am, with us it's about 25% sexual, 75% emotional. We spend more time just enjoying being around each other than getting down and dirty. And he always says how much he cares about me an how he's always careful about not hurting me. Anyway, I'm moving to away this fall to go to school. It's only a 2.5 hour drive, but it's still distance between us. I told him that I'm thinking of not going, but he won't let me back out of going to a good school because he wants me to be successful, and he said we'll make it work. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do. Should I ask him to move with me? Should I try doing long distance? I'm terrified of losing him, and I guess I'm just afraid that if I move, the distance will drive us apart. Oh boy, there's a lot going on here. First of all, it is the age difference that would likely drive you two apart more so than the distance. Second of all, at this point, 2 months, you two are more likely feeling crazy for each other because of the endorphin high a person gets when they first start dating someone they really like. After a few months, say maybe 3, they start getting more comfortable with one another and their faults, habits, etc. start coming through and sometimes, people find that those things don't really work for them. Telling someone that they are in love with them at 6 weeks is pretty fast. In the beginning of a dating scenario, it's important to manage emotions and expectations so that you don't get too invested in the relationship to soon. When you get too invested too soon, sometimes people just get too caught up in just having a relationship rather than focusing on whether that person they are with is really right for them. It is too soon to be thinking about moving in together. You two don't really know each other well enough to be making that leap. And, 29 days together non-stop at this point is too much as well in the beginning. It is important to allow a relationship to develop naturally and more slowly. I am uncomfortable about the age difference here, too. A man that age who is interested in a dating partner who is that much younger, (man or woman), may have some other agenda. Make sure you two are on the same page about what you each want for yourselves. If you, now, want a long-term, committed relationship, you need to know if that's what he wants. He may just want a long-term hook up, not be committed to it. In other words, he'll want to or does see other people, but still having you on the side.
Mrin Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I'm not going to go into the age thing because there are some unique circumstances involved when it comes to same sex relationships as I am sure you know. But as to your question - it all comes down to trust. If you have a rock solid level of trust with him then I can last even if he's 2.5 hours away. The two things I'd suggest is: 1. Having a very frank and honest conversation about what either of you expect in this relationship. Let's face it dude - you're going to be in college with a bunch of other young gay men who are just now getting to fully experience their sexuality. There will be lots of opportunities and even pressure. Even if you don't succumb your BF will know it is there and be concerned. Who wouldn't be? So you have to have rock solid trust. 2. You need to make a decision on who's life are you going to live "in". Your life at college / which means he needs to come down to be with you. Or his life at "home" which means you need to go to him. You can't live in separate lives and expect that to work out in a committed relationship. It just doesn't work that way.
Author syracuseguy95 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Thank you Mrin, your post is by far the most helpful. There are moments when I think that if we were to move on from each other things would be ok, but then there's times when I think of him not being there and I get all crazy and depressed. We keep saying that its no accident that the two of us met and feel this strong about each other. We're both spiritual, but I'm a little more religious, and yesterday we were sitting in the car and he said "He brought us together, He'll take care of us. We'll be ok." I know there's a high level of trust between us, and I know that we both want things to work out for us. And with going to college with younger guys like myself, I don't think I'll thinking about them too mutch as I know hell be in my head almost constantly.
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 It sounds like knowing him has improved your life. Him getting you into NA is a great thing. You both started out just wanting to hook up but were surprised to really connect. Now, if only one of you had started out wanting to hookup and the other wanted a life mate, I'd be more leery. But you were both on the same page, so I'm guessing that if the relationship runs its course in due time, you'll be able to at least be philosophical about it and take it for what it was worth at the time. So though I don't like age gaps this big in general and it may go sour as you get older, I also realize that many gay lovers end up being friends after they stop being lovers because I've seen it happen many times. One thing that NA will hopefully prepare you for is that getting unaddicted can change your personality. Especially if you've been addicted a while, once you're good and sober, you begin to grow again emotionally, because addiction and alcoholism both stunt your emotional growth. So that alone can sometimes make a couple "grow apart," but if finding this man has made you dedicate yourself to get free of substances, then I say stick with him as much as you can, but do not put your education on hold. Stay in the program while you are at school. That is very important! And see each other on weekends. If you have a true friendship or whatever it is, it will survive you going to school and being apart some. College is a crazy time, though, so get into NA there and go frequently to stay on track. Good luck.
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