Xmas eve to current day, what to make of it and how to handle it from here...

[inpeices]

Hi everyone,

This is partly an advice question vs past experiences from you all. I would like to hear the good the bad and the ugly so to speak.

I will be 40 in six months time and my current partner 43 in two weeks.

I came out of a 12yr relationship in 2011, my ex cheated in the end. It shattered me completely and I had to rebuild my life as my job was attached to the home and the home was not mine.. I chose to leave it all behind and try internet dating for the first time. I got talking to a girl, similar interests etc, and despite many many red flags, jumped ship to be with her some 240 miles away from my friends and family..I thought, having mulled things over, it was the right decision.

I relocated, got a new job, and the first few months were stressy but good..

Then the relationship turned abusive, I tolerated it for a year, then left and returned to my family, very much on my knees emotionally, mentally, physically, financially..basically I was ruined.

I had the beggin, the sorry's, I was weak, I thought it was me,I was torn, and I went back... That was October 2013

As the script plays out, within two months, it was worse than ever, I'd burnt some bridges by going back, so here I was, I made my bed and now I must lie in it.. I also had a horse which needed to be looked after and totally unsaleable, which is another story entirely.

Moving on..31st August2014, I was seriously assaulted by the person and the relationship ended there and then, I packed a bag, and stayed at a friends' for two nights, then moved to a house share and that is where I am now. I managed to hold down my job through all of this, and I spent 4 months recovering from the past three years and basically getting myself together.

At xmas, I felt ready to maybe meet new friends or friends leading to x y z..

I put myself on a very private dating site, with a very honest profile and that was that.

I had a lot of messages and I was very polite but non-interested in furthering these conversations, I did meet someone platonically and that was agreed and we had a great night out. And then I saw someone and was wow! WowEee!

And being very low in self esteem, I deliberated and then thought to hell with it..

Message her!

And I did, and well, here we are three months later, exclusive and officially a couple ;-)

The catch? During the early chats on the dating site, she told me her relationship of 11yrs broke down in August 2014 and her ex had been seeing someone new since September.. They still own / share a house together, her ex works away all week and only returns at weekends.. My instinct at the time told me to run for the hills, but then I thought..well she didn't need to tell me this, she could have lied and said she co-shares with XYZ for all I know or deserved to know at such an early stage..

So anyway, in true form, my new girl dates me for a month and bingo, the ex's relationship goes down the pan, seems her ex was seeing someone who wasn't actually available (in a longterm but non sexual dead end Yada yada) It all unravelled and the ex's so called partner when challenged to commit, has flaked and returned to what they know..

To me it sound like this woman I am dating, has been cheated on, and just when she started to get her life on track, it's taken the fun out of the 'affair' her ex has been having, and an affair is surely what it was.. And now her ex is effectively cake eating, it's not finished with the other person, she is just using my lass as a social buffer.. They spent the weekend together just gone, cycling etc..

So I want to believe, I want to avoid being made a fool of, I want to trust again fully, I want to trust my own instinct and judgement, which has been way off in the past.

I feel confident, I feel happy, I don't have that sinking gut sicky feeling you get when you 'know' you are being taken for an outright fool..

I am just so taken with this lady, and we have plans organised for this week, will be spending a whole week together 4th-10th April, but she still lives and socialises with her ex...

I have said I won't be a rebound, she re-assures me I am not, I said I won't be second best, she assures me I am not, that in her mind, it is done, she just has to finalise the house and finances.

She is honest, forthright, loving, reliable, niave! (I thought I was niave!)

I think she is amazing and we have had some very deep discussions about what we are doing and where this is going..but actions speak louder than words?

 

Views please?

[inpeices]

Hi everyone,

This is partly an advice question vs past experiences from you all. I would like to hear the good the bad and the ugly so to speak.

I will be 40 in six months time and my current partner 43 in two weeks.

I came out of a 12yr relationship in 2011, my ex cheated in the end. It shattered me completely and I had to rebuild my life as my job was attached to the home and the home was not mine.. I chose to leave it all behind and try internet dating for the first time. I got talking to a girl, similar interests etc, and despite many many red flags, jumped ship to be with her some 240 miles away from my friends and family..I thought, having mulled things over, it was the right decision.

I relocated, got a new job, and the first few months were stressy but good..

Then the relationship turned abusive, I tolerated it for a year, then left and returned to my family, very much on my knees emotionally, mentally, physically, financially..basically I was ruined.

I had the beggin, the sorry's, I was weak, I thought it was me,I was torn, and I went back... That was October 2013

As the script plays out, within two months, it was worse than ever, I'd burnt some bridges by going back, so here I was, I made my bed and now I must lie in it.. I also had a horse which needed to be looked after and totally unsaleable, which is another story entirely.

Moving on..31st August2014, I was seriously assaulted by the person and the relationship ended there and then, I packed a bag, and stayed at a friends' for two nights, then moved to a house share and that is where I am now. I managed to hold down my job through all of this, and I spent 4 months recovering from the past three years and basically getting myself together.

At xmas, I felt ready to maybe meet new friends or friends leading to x y z..

I put myself on a very private dating site, with a very honest profile and that was that.

I had a lot of messages and I was very polite but non-interested in furthering these conversations, I did meet someone platonically and that was agreed and we had a great night out. And then I saw someone and was wow! WowEee!

And being very low in self esteem, I deliberated and then thought to hell with it..

Message her!

And I did, and well, here we are three months later, exclusive and officially a couple ;-)

The catch? During the early chats on the dating site, she told me her relationship of 11yrs broke down in August 2014 and her ex had been seeing someone new since September.. They still own / share a house together, her ex works away all week and only returns at weekends.. My instinct at the time told me to run for the hills, but then I thought..well she didn't need to tell me this, she could have lied and said she co-shares with XYZ for all I know or deserved to know at such an early stage..

So anyway, in true form, my new girl dates me for a month and bingo, the ex's relationship goes down the pan, seems her ex was seeing someone who wasn't actually available (in a longterm but non sexual dead end Yada yada) It all unravelled and the ex's so called partner when challenged to commit, has flaked and returned to what they know..

To me it sound like this woman I am dating, has been cheated on, and just when she started to get her life on track, it's taken the fun out of the 'affair' her ex has been having, and an affair is surely what it was.. And now her ex is effectively cake eating, it's not finished with the other person, she is just using my lass as a social buffer.. They spent the weekend together just gone, cycling etc..

So I want to believe, I want to avoid being made a fool of, I want to trust again fully, I want to trust my own instinct and judgement, which has been way off in the past.

I feel confident, I feel happy, I don't have that sinking gut sicky feeling you get when you 'know' you are being taken for an outright fool..

I am just so taken with this lady, and we have plans organised for this week, will be spending a whole week together 4th-10th April, but she still lives and socialises with her ex...

I have said I won't be a rebound, she re-assures me I am not, I said I won't be second best, she assures me I am not, that in her mind, it is done, she just has to finalise the house and finances.

She is honest, forthright, loving, reliable, niave! (I thought I was niave!)

I think she is amazing and we have had some very deep discussions about what we are doing and where this is going..but actions speak louder than words?

 

Views please?

 

 

Let's have some feedback for not just me but in general.. No-one had a crystal ball to see into the future, I am just interested on past experiences and outcomes

[todreaminblue]

i live with my ex, our relationship is purely platonic,i dont go anywhere with him as in cycling or nights out or anything like that ...we have been over for twenty odd years we have two adult boys together

 

i am honest with guys i date or have dated and once they meet him they dont seem to have a problem with it.....maybe that is because they werent that serious about me to begin with..i have told my ex that if i get into a serious relationship that i would have to move on......i would let him have the house....my son would decide whether to stay or to come with me

 

we already discussed this...when i began dating last year

 

i think a discussion should have been had maybe between the three of you definitely between her ex and herself.....my ex and i have nothing in common...we dont do the same activities together, we dont believe in the same things and he pays me rent.......to me it sounds like outings and activities together is being closer than friends if living together......separatism is actually important.....well it is to me....our friend circles are also different........he hangs with people who do what he does......and i dont hang out with them.....he is more like a brother than a friend even....he often will call me mum......because i feel like i have to be that mother figure to him.....thats not a guy i would want to date again

 

 

i think when you start hanging out and doing activities together and you live together its actually in many ways still a relationship......you have to be seperate...have definite lines...especially when dating another guy...i understand your concern.....deb

[inpeices]

i live with my ex, our relationship is purely platonic,i dont go anywhere with him as in cycling or nights out or anything like that ...we have been over for twenty odd years we have two adult boys together

 

i am honest with guys i date or have dated and once they meet him they dont seem to have a problem with it.....maybe that is because they werent that serious about me to begin with..i have told my ex that if i get into a serious relationship that i would have to move on......i would let him have the house....my son would decide whether to stay or to come with me

 

we already discussed this...when i began dating last year

 

i think a discussion should have been had maybe between the three of you definitely between her ex and herself.....my ex and i have nothing in common...we dont do the same activities together, we dont believe in the same things and he pays me rent.......to me it sounds like outings and activities together is being closer than friends if living together......separatism is actually important.....well it is to me....our friend circles are also different........he hangs with people who do what he does......and i dont hang out with them.....he is more like a brother than a friend even....he often will call me mum......because i feel like i have to be that mother figure to him.....thats not a guy i would want to date again

 

 

 

 

i think when you start hanging out and doing activities together and you live together its actually in many ways still a relationship......you have to be seperate...have definite lines...especially when dating another guy...i understand your concern.....deb

 

 

Thankyou Todreaminblue for your input here.

I guess in my situation I will just have to wait it out, see how 'we' go and keep any insecure feelings to myself as it is early days afterall. I can't help having very strong feelings for this lady and I suppose feeling edgy goes with the territory when you are seeing someone who still co-habits with an ex,and yes the socialising part is tough on me, I am not an avid cycler, it's a hobby they have done together for years and I can't compete with that..of course I could get a bike and get fitter..

There is talk of either my partner buying the other out, getting a lodger to cover the ex's mortgage payment or selling. My partner wants to keep the house if possibly, the ex is intimating they'd like to maintain a financial share in the house as an investment. The latter I have to say I find very concerning, despite it not being my business, I can't help feeling they are having their cake and eating it. Still, time will tell.. Thanks again!

Anyone else?

[Toodaloo]

My honest opinion is that you should back away from this until they have sorted themselves out.

 

You have your own house to get into order so I suggest that you concentrate on that instead.

[inpeices]

My honest opinion is that you should back away from this until they have sorted themselves out.

 

You have your own house to get into order so I suggest that you concentrate on that instead.

 

Thanks Toodaloo for your frank and to the point reply, I see you have experienced something similar 'ish' which is still causing you some emotional troubles. I have always been of the opinion that if someone is worth waiting for then you just have to sit back and let it all unfold. But never at the expense of your own self-worth and certainly not if it causes you pain. Love should not be painful in that way surely.

All the best to you anyway!

[kendahke]

And now her ex is effectively cake eating, it's not finished with the other person, she is just using my lass as a social buffer.. They spent the weekend together just gone, cycling etc..

So I want to believe, I want to avoid being made a fool of, I want to trust again fully, I want to trust my own instinct and judgement, which has been way off in the past.

 

Views please?

 

Ask yourself: if the woman who cheated on you came back because her thing didn't work out and you'd already started taking steps to put yourself back out on the dating market and were starting to see someone, would you go cycling and spending the weekend together "just gone" with them, knowing you had this amazing person who just entered into your life waiting?

 

I wouldn't. Even if I shared the same residence with him. It's one thing to have a conversation in the kitchen or living room, but to share an activity outside of the house for hours when you have started something new with someone else sounds really sketchy to me.

 

Because of your past and your past huge missteps, you need to slow your roll. I can understand wanting to be in a relationship, but certainly not at the cost of having gone too fast to brake before hitting a wall.

[Toodaloo]

What you have to remember is that there is no point in "waiting". If they want you they will make their intentions clear.

 

Do let people drag your heart about. It only leaves you wounded and on guard for the next one who could possibly be a gem...

 

You have already been "ruined". You are clearly feeling low. You are vulnerable for people to use you.

 

Take your time to heal and get stronger. Take your time to feel good about yourself.

 

Then if this one is still about and has sorted their mess out all fine and dandy but if not you will be in a better place to move on and deal with it.

[inpeices]

Ask yourself: if the woman who cheated on you came back because her thing didn't work out and you'd already started taking steps to put yourself back out on the dating market and were starting to see someone, would you go cycling and spending the weekend together "just gone" with them, knowing you had this amazing person who just entered into your life waiting?

 

I wouldn't. Even if I shared the same residence with him. It's one thing to have a conversation in the kitchen or living room, but to share an activity outside of the house for hours when you have started something new with someone else sounds really sketchy to me.

 

Because of your past and your past huge missteps, you need to slow your roll. I can understand wanting to be in a relationship, but certainly not at the cost of having gone too fast to brake before hitting a wall.

 

Indeed, and I questioned this and had this discussion, and it was plain that from their side (my new partner) they were well and truly 'done' and the entire debacle of being left blindsided, watching as their now ex was off having a ball with someone new, as they cried their heart out, has now turned on its head..

(As ironically it did with me, and I have been where she is at, it's tough separating the friendship..goodness, I was fulfilling 90% of my ex's needs without knowing it for a good 12 months after 12yrs together.. Separations and de-tangling that bond take time..

And as it happens the situation is evolving rapidly and the truths of the matter are unravelling, and this must be painful for her to hear and know. We will be talking about it in person more tomorrow.

I have been there, she has been made a fool of, but dealt with it in the most amazing way, probably because she has been oblivious to the truth..I wish I had been... I think her ex is the one with the issues, it's all back on with the AP... I am distanced from the drama, I can see what is happening here..

I think this lady is amazing and I am in awe at her diplomacy and good will.. She may have been niave, but she is far from stupid..

Indeed the words sketchy and 'my past' ring in my ears, and I am sounding this out to avoid a future mess up.. I don't want to be an extreme of either..

I did actually stop the entire thing 10 days ago, after a lovely weekend, I ended it, sent her away, tears the whole thing, said I would not be second best, would not stand for certain things.. She was on my doorstep less than 24hrs later, she made her choice, and has been consistent, honest and forthcoming the entire time from the get go..

Go figure..

We are having a date tommorrow at the location we had our first date ;-) and she will be with me Friday night after work into Saturday, followed by a week together the following weekend onwards..

Just been on the phone for an hour..

Funny old game this.. And I will be slowing my roll and checking out my brakes I promise ;-) Thankyou so much for your input ;-) x

[inpeices]

What you have to remember is that there is no point in "waiting". If they want you they will make their intentions clear.

 

Do let people drag your heart about. It only leaves you wounded and on guard for the next one who could possibly be a gem...

 

You have already been "ruined". You are clearly feeling low. You are vulnerable for people to use you.

 

Take your time to heal and get stronger. Take your time to feel good about yourself.

 

Then if this one is still about and has sorted their mess out all fine and dandy but if not you will be in a better place to move on and deal with it.

 

Thankyou again,

 

Intentions are being made clear in the most positive way possible ;-)

No-one is going to drag this battered heart anywhere anytime soon and I have been healing for not just a few months, I have been healing for three years + and feel immensely strong emotionally and mentally.. I have my own life and my own goals etc.. Yes it will hurt if this goes tits up but nothing can hurt me the way I have been hurt before.. I'm prepared and have my big girl pants on ;-)

Yes..I am a girl loving a girl x

[Toodaloo]

I'm prepared and have my big girl pants on ;-)

 

Good.

 

Because sometimes you need to pull them up so high they give you a wedgey!

 

Keep those brakes on and be careful. Trust your brain.

 

Good luck with your date!

[inpeices]

Good.

 

Because sometimes you need to pull them up so high they give you a wedgey!

 

Keep those brakes on and be careful. Trust your brain.

 

Good luck with your date!

 

This really made me smile (the bit about the wedgey!)

 

Date was fabulous and she took me back to the house and also to stay for the first time. Showed me round the place, clear they are sleeping in separate rooms and she also asked me outright if we could officially be exclusive partners and make plans to meet each other's respective close friends and the ex..

So all seems ok to me, I feel pretty at ease now it's been 'officialised' and she has changed her dating profile to in a relationship..

I'm thinking of taking her to meet my mum and dad at Easter, think it would be nice for us to go on a little road trip and show her my roots so to speak..

 

Watch this space hey ;-)

[inpeices]

Good.

 

Because sometimes you need to pull them up so high they give you a wedgey!

 

Keep those brakes on and be careful. Trust your brain.

 

Good luck with your date!

 

Well.. We are two months down the road now, going strength to strength..

Met the ex's best friend and partner since my last post, we all had breakfast together in the 'house' and I asked outright if they thought it was weird me sat in a chair where the ex used to be.. They said actually.. Not at all..all very challenging for me..but hey...

 

Spending all the spare time we have together in true sickening early relationship fashion been surfing, and having a lot of bonding time.. Think this may be 'the one' ;-)

 

I guess at this stage, looking back, it was so worth the step back assess phase..

Communication has been key.. I am happy as a happy thing! And so is she... The ex? In tears mostly.. Which I wish on no-one... But they made their bed & must lay in it..

 

We are a really really happy couple.. Totally compatible and there is no dear or anxiety or jealousy or any negativity feelings/emotions wise for me...

Meeting mum and dad this weekend.. Let's see if they like me ;-)

 

Just thought I would update..

 

Life begins at 40? Well maybe it just does!!

 

I want to change my profile name!

 

Best wishes to you all xx

[inpeices]

So we have been dating 18mths and made the decision to move in together this summer...

 

We have had the most amazing year together, not a single disagreement or problem (which I find worrying!)

It is so refreshing to be in a relationship where you just 'fit'

 

Never thought I would ever be this happy or content, thankyou to all who have contributed on this thread and my infidelity thread.

 

I wish you all happiness and peace on your personal journies. Never settle for less than what you know you truly deserve. And never let anyone knock your self-esteem so low that you feel you don't deserve true, honest and unconditional love. There is someone for everyone and they may just be waiting for you....

 

 

Inpeices..who is back together x