Done With Players and Unavailable

[Leigh 87]

I have had some major personal breakthroughs.

 

Some women only get the most intense passion from unavailable men who they "almost" change, or from the men who don't want them. One or two guys I felt this way about were nice guys who simply weren't 100% into me beyond the sexual attraction and them thinking " well she is a really nice girl and all". Never any true click - I never "had" them so it still instilled passion on account of the anxiety and sense of wondering whether I had them or not....

 

Only being into people who aren't into us is no coincidence for some!

 

In the meanwhile, I would overlook sparks I felt with truly nice guys who actually wanted to be with me - I would feel the same spark for these nice guys as I did for player or the men who weren't into me, BUT, then I would lose interest once I knew I truly "had them". There was no challenge. I knew 100% they were into me from the start, no questions....

I got a real thrill at being that girl who could change the unavailable men for a weekend or two. Sometimes, those perpetually single unavailable types would have an instant connection with me, and for a second they thought " hmm well maybe she is the one I want to change for". Then they would realise they wanted to bail at the first sign of trouble - rather than resolving an issue like the men who ARE relationship minded...These men have ALL since admitted that I was the girl they THOUGHT they may want to actually change for.

 

Sitting around and waiting for a "nice" guywho causes the same anxiety and fear that a player or unavailable man does that leads to that "intense passion" is never going to end well.

 

Normal healthy relationships can start with fireworks and sparks and not being able to stop thinking about one another or keep your hands off one another - however, no man who is truly invested in seeing where the fledging relationship is heading and who has catalogued you as "potential wife material" is EVER, ever going to instigated the same passion that ONLY originates from anxiety, fear and uncertainty and the "hot and cold" and " now I have him but tomorrow I might not"

 

The other month I met a guy.

 

I felt an instant spark - and what's more, I could totally be myself around him. The whole date I was the happiest I had ever been on a first date. I was into him right away, felt instant chemistry and attraction to his features and just REALLY liked his personality. I felt like making out with him on the first date I was that attracted.

 

Sadly, I QUICKLY lost interest and blamed it on his stutter although I never admitted it to him, obviously. I am not an @sshole!

 

He has a slight one which I think is adorable..... As soon as this guy showed he was crazy about me for real - ended up running away because he didn't instil the same anxiety and sense of not knowing if the player was all in or not. I mistakenly thought the fear and anxiety of the men who are never totally into you or wanting commitment with you (and who may have been into you initially but know you aren't for them), with passion. Only it isn't real passion that can be sought after in a normal, healthy relationship.

Anyway, I found myself thinking about this guy when I was on other dates and when I was, ahem, self pleasuring. Never did I think about the players and jerks who never wanted me!

 

The other day Berlin Guy contacted me again - Older posters know about him. ...and you know, I realised that " hey, we have nothing in common, we cannot even have much of a conversation and my butterflies that arise from this man contacting me are PURELY based on our unrealised potential from two years ago!- we only met ONCE and despite nearly meeting twice again since we parted ways, it never happened. He'd change his mind and disappear..... The racing heart I got was NOT from a connection - but from the fact I never got to "see" what would happen with us. It was not HIM or some amazing chemistry that drew me to him. Nope. Just thinking about "nearly" being a girl who he thought could change him - he is looking for The One and is always single and is super fussy and doesn't just want "any girl". Initially, after first meeting me, he felt I could be it but we soon bumped heads and realised that we just didn't mesh well, personality wise. On the high of him reaching out to me - he had NEVER initiated contact since 2013, since we first met! I realised the "racing heart" and "butterflies" for what it was, and I have since lost all interest in him. No more butterflies or racing heart. I was only ever a pretty girl to him who he "thought" could be the girl he would finally date.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about the guy who I had the spark with, yet left, due to him being.... such a nice guy who actually wanted to be with me.

 

We are together as of yesterday. We are both so happy.

 

I hope I can finally enjoy a healthy relationship with a guy who doesn't constantly keep my on my toes guessing as to whether he will be with me in a week or a month. We are just dating at this stage. Nothing serious yet but we both knew from day one there was potential. I cannot wait to the weekends of dates, dinners and soon, sex, with him - I cannot stop thinking about him and we have great chemistry and passion in the bedroom (we have spoken for a month and have not slept together yet).

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, I thought I would share my story since there is so little hope according to many posters - who claim men only want sex and someone to take care of them when they age.

 

 

 

 

I think it is also cool how I have decided to fight against my urge to tame a player, and actually give a nice guy a chance - and realise that hey, I AM actually really into him as well, so it is not like I am "giving him a chance and hoping attraction will grow", since I felt the spark for him immediately upon meeting him anyway!

 

 

 

 

Wish me luck and I hope women like me try hard like me to change their perspective on what "fireworks" should feel like; fear, anxiety and uncertainty about men who aren't into us, fireworks are not.....

[Woggle]

I am glad you have come to this realization and I do wish you luck. I am a believer in having real passion and attraction but if you can only feel that with unavailable men it is time to take a look at why that is.

[Leigh 87]

I was in denial.

 

I didn't only go for players some of the guys were simply guys who were waiting for the one, and who thought for a second did could have that potential, only to soon realise they weren't as into me as they initially thought.

 

So because I didn't JUST feel into players, I just didn't think I was one of those women who ONLY chased players. And I want. I chased players AND nice men who weren't into me. LOL.

[Leigh 87]

This man is the nice guy that made realise that I can, in fact, feel the " spark" and have passion with men who actually want me for who I am. I have a long way to go and won't reach my potential until my 40's or so but this man fell hard who the person I currently am so me further making improvements will just be the icing on the cake to him.

 

This guy just made me realise that I can feel all giddy and excited about a guy who actually wants me - and that the anxiety and fear of never truly having a player or nice guy that wasn't into me, was a false sense of passion that only ever translated into great sex and isn't an emotional a normal nice guy who is into me can evoke.

 

Basically, I feel on top of the world that I actually feel school girl excited about a guy that's truly into me, and I recognise the sense of fear and anxiety isn't there that other guys triggerd but I am glad to be rid of it. I feel just as much passion for this man, minus that extra edge of fear and anxiety induced passion.

[fitnessfan365]

Leigh,

 

I honestly don't think your instincts were wrong about the guy. He came on way too strong, way too vast acting completely devoted to you after one date. This is the type of clingy "nice guy" you should trust your instincts about avoiding. However, it's entirely possible to meet a gentleman with balls that will be independent/non clingy, respectful and caring, and dominant/passionate in bed. I should know, I'm one of them.

 

But.. it's awesome that you finally had a break through and can now adjust your picker a bit. However, as I said, any guy that would come on that strong and act that devoted to you after one date, is the wrong type of "nice guy".

[somedude81]

Congratulations for finally seeing the light

 

Now if only more women could come to this realization as well.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh,

 

I honestly don't think your instincts were wrong about the guy. He came on way too strong, way too vast acting completely devoted to you after one date. This is the type of clingy "nice guy" you should trust your instincts about avoiding. However, it's entirely possible to meet a gentleman with balls that will be independent/non clingy, respectful and caring, and dominant/passionate in bed. I should know, I'm one of them.

 

But.. it's awesome that you finally had a break through and can now adjust your picker a bit. However, as I said, any guy that would come on that strong and act that devoted to you after one date, is the wrong type of "nice guy".

 

 

 

Oh he wasn't too full on. He was just smitten.

 

He never asked me to be his girlfriend and he didn't ask to see me every day or anything creepy.

 

He was just into me in a big way..he honestly didn't act devoted or desperate.

 

When I broke it off he was totally cool and didn't beg for another chance. He let me go and wished me luck. Even though he thought about me constantly since I broke it off he kept things at bay and never let on that he was still into me.

 

Trust me he is a keeper lol. I think I expressed his devotion to me in the wrong way. He honestly wasn't pushy or full on. The Greek guy before him was....he cried when I broke things off and begged for me back next day.......

[Leigh 87]

Congratulations for finally seeing the light

 

Now if only more women could come to this realization as well.

 

It's hard because players and men who aren't into us give us a rush and thrill that truly devoted and interested men can't...

 

We confuse being kept on our toes as passion . Never truly knowing whether or not they are into us is the sort of high nice guys can't provide.

[katiegrl]

I have had some major personal breakthroughs.

 

Some women only get the most intense passion from unavailable men who they "almost" change, or from the men who don't want them. One or two guys I felt this way about were nice guys who simply weren't 100% into me beyond the sexual attraction and them thinking " well she is a really nice girl and all". Never any true click - I never "had" them so it still instilled passion on account of the anxiety and sense of wondering whether I had them or not....

 

Only being into people who aren't into us is no coincidence for some!

 

In the meanwhile, I would overlook sparks I felt with truly nice guys who actually wanted to be with me - I would feel the same spark for these nice guys as I did for player or the men who weren't into me, BUT, then I would lose interest once I knew I truly "had them". There was no challenge. I knew 100% they were into me from the start, no questions....

I got a real thrill at being that girl who could change the unavailable men for a weekend or two. Sometimes, those perpetually single unavailable types would have an instant connection with me, and for a second they thought " hmm well maybe she is the one I want to change for". Then they would realise they wanted to bail at the first sign of trouble - rather than resolving an issue like the men who ARE relationship minded...These men have ALL since admitted that I was the girl they THOUGHT they may want to actually change for.

 

Sitting around and waiting for a "nice" guywho causes the same anxiety and fear that a player or unavailable man does that leads to that "intense passion" is never going to end well.

 

Normal healthy relationships can start with fireworks and sparks and not being able to stop thinking about one another or keep your hands off one another - however, no man who is truly invested in seeing where the fledging relationship is heading and who has catalogued you as "potential wife material" is EVER, ever going to instigated the same passion that ONLY originates from anxiety, fear and uncertainty and the "hot and cold" and " now I have him but tomorrow I might not"

 

The other month I met a guy.

 

I felt an instant spark - and what's more, I could totally be myself around him. The whole date I was the happiest I had ever been on a first date. I was into him right away, felt instant chemistry and attraction to his features and just REALLY liked his personality. I felt like making out with him on the first date I was that attracted.

 

Sadly, I QUICKLY lost interest and blamed it on his stutter although I never admitted it to him, obviously. I am not an @sshole!

 

He has a slight one which I think is adorable..... As soon as this guy showed he was crazy about me for real - ended up running away because he didn't instil the same anxiety and sense of not knowing if the player was all in or not. I mistakenly thought the fear and anxiety of the men who are never totally into you or wanting commitment with you (and who may have been into you initially but know you aren't for them), with passion. Only it isn't real passion that can be sought after in a normal, healthy relationship.

Anyway, I found myself thinking about this guy when I was on other dates and when I was, ahem, self pleasuring. Never did I think about the players and jerks who never wanted me!

 

The other day Berlin Guy contacted me again - Older posters know about him. ...and you know, I realised that " hey, we have nothing in common, we cannot even have much of a conversation and my butterflies that arise from this man contacting me are PURELY based on our unrealised potential from two years ago!- we only met ONCE and despite nearly meeting twice again since we parted ways, it never happened. He'd change his mind and disappear..... The racing heart I got was NOT from a connection - but from the fact I never got to "see" what would happen with us. It was not HIM or some amazing chemistry that drew me to him. Nope. Just thinking about "nearly" being a girl who he thought could change him - he is looking for The One and is always single and is super fussy and doesn't just want "any girl". Initially, after first meeting me, he felt I could be it but we soon bumped heads and realised that we just didn't mesh well, personality wise. On the high of him reaching out to me - he had NEVER initiated contact since 2013, since we first met! I realised the "racing heart" and "butterflies" for what it was, and I have since lost all interest in him. No more butterflies or racing heart. I was only ever a pretty girl to him who he "thought" could be the girl he would finally date.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about the guy who I had the spark with, yet left, due to him being.... such a nice guy who actually wanted to be with me.

 

We are together as of yesterday. We are both so happy.

 

I hope I can finally enjoy a healthy relationship with a guy who doesn't constantly keep my on my toes guessing as to whether he will be with me in a week or a month. We are just dating at this stage. Nothing serious yet but we both knew from day one there was potential. I cannot wait to the weekends of dates, dinners and soon, sex, with him - I cannot stop thinking about him and we have great chemistry and passion in the bedroom (we have spoken for a month and have not slept together yet).

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, I thought I would share my story since there is so little hope according to many posters - who claim men only want sex and someone to take care of them when they age.

 

 

 

 

I think it is also cool how I have decided to fight against my urge to tame a player, and actually give a nice guy a chance - and realise that hey, I AM actually really into him as well, so it is not like I am "giving him a chance and hoping attraction will grow", since I felt the spark for him immediately upon meeting him anyway!

 

 

 

 

Wish me luck and I hope women like me try hard like me to change their perspective on what "fireworks" should feel like; fear, anxiety and uncertainty about men who aren't into us, fireworks are not.....

 

Leigh I knew this would happen! I almost predicted it!

 

Do you remember my posts on the thread you created about him?

 

I am SO happy for you! And proud of you!

 

Introspection is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

 

Yes good luck and keep us posted!

 

You just made my night girl! :bunny:

[Leigh 87]

Katie - I mean, what more did I WANT?

 

I am already super excited about seeing him this weekend - we both mentioned that we will be so excited to see each other after 5 days, that on the car ride up to a party, we prob won't be able to keep out hands to ourselves in the car on the way up lol.

 

So there is definitely a lot of attraction, chemistry, the urge to hang out and butterflies surrounding it.

 

I guess I was expecting a nice normal guy who actually wanted to date me, to also be able to evoke the SAME fireworks of the men who caused the anxiety and fear....

[katiegrl]

Katie - I mean, what more did I WANT?

 

I am already super excited about seeing him this weekend - we both mentioned that we will be so excited to see each other after 5 days, that on the car ride up to a party, we prob won't be able to keep out hands to ourselves in the car on the way up lol.

 

So there is definitely a lot of attraction, chemistry, the urge to hang out and butterflies surrounding it.

 

I guess I was expecting a nice normal guy who actually wanted to date me, to also be able to evoke the SAME fireworks of the men who caused the anxiety and fear....

 

Yeah...you were confused, and I think a little scared too. Scared of the unknown ... as he was (and is) a totally different type from the men you have been used to who evoked

all those passionate feelings in you.

 

And I knew it. It just made no sense to me how you could be SO attracted to him on date one .... having had the best date ever, saying he has all the qualities you ever wanted in a man .....and then poof on date two you were suddenly completely turned off.

 

Anyway I am glad you have seen the light...that didn't take long did it. You're ready.

 

Again, g'luck and enjoy!

[somedude81]

It's hard because players and men who aren't into us give us a rush and thrill that truly devoted and interested men can't...

 

The guys who really want to date you can provide the rush, but it most likely won't be as strong as it is from the guys who are players. The simple key is that the player guys have perfected how to make women get those feelings for them, and those guys take advantage. Few women realize that this is happening. Some women even defend the players.

 

We confuse being kept on our toes as passion . Never truly knowing whether or not they are into us is the sort of high nice guys can't provide.

 

That's another problem with women. Being kept on your toes is just anxiety. Yet somehow being anxious about a guy is confused with feelings of passion. It's almost like women are naturally designed to be drawn to the guys who just want sex.

[ascendotum]

...I hope I can finally enjoy a healthy relationship with a guy who doesn't constantly keep my on my toes guessing as to whether he will be with me in a week or a month. We are just dating at this stage. Nothing serious yet but we both knew from day one there was potential.

I think you are getting carried away far too quick because this is a guy you used to fantasize about (hot & elusive). He had a chance to be with you 2 yrs back but went on to see what other better options were out there. Lots of relationships these days tend to be STRs and I think its waaaay to early to say you have turned the corner and this guy has had an epiphany that you are the girl for him, and he is going to be the elusive nice guy who gives you butterflies and wants a LTR with you.

[katiegrl]

I think you are getting carried away far too quick because this is a guy you used to fantasize about (hot & elusive). He had a chance to be with you 2 yrs back but went on to see what other better options were out there. Lots of relationships these days tend to be STRs and I think its waaaay to early to say you have turned the corner and this guy has had an epiphany that you are the girl for him, and he is going to be the elusive nice guy who gives you butterflies and wants a LTR with you.

 

ascendotum....no this is NEW guy...she only met him a few weeks ago.

 

Read her thread "Hate Breaking Up."

 

Everything's in there...

[neowulf]

So great to hear about a happy ending (or beginning?) for a poster here.

 

Wish you all the best

[ascendotum]

ascendotum....no this is NEW guy...she only met him a few weeks ago.

 

Read her thread "Hate Breaking Up."

 

Everything's in there...

 

oh okay. I thought it was the backpacker guy she hooked up with in Berlin 2 yrs back, that she is excited about now getting back in touch.

[Leigh 87]

Nope.

 

I have had enough of the Berlin Guys - who liked me a lot for 1 second only to realise that I wasn't it for them.

 

It is more exciting, but with nice guys who want me - we can create our own excitement out of the great sexual chemistry we share....

 

Would rather "create" excitement - for instance, we are both so excited about the weekend - going wine tasting and to a friends party - staying at a hotel (we have spoken for over a month now and have not yet had sex)

 

"creating" excitement in dates by doing new things, not seeing each other all the time and creating a nice build up to sex - is better than the "instant" fix of excitement the men who aren't into me provide - the so called "fireworks" that stem from anxiety.

[Leigh 87]

I just had a huge feeling of " I cannot let this guy get away"

 

I looked back and realised that the players and men who just weren't into me (yet were non players), did NOT ignite a spark more than the "nice guy" did - it was only AFTER the first dates that he "nice guy" turned me off, since there was the absence of fear and anxiety.

 

The initial sparks were equal. In available versus non available. Stronger in fact with the 'nice guy'. It was after that first date when I "had" the nice guy, that I lost interest due to lack of excitement.

 

I realised how rare it was to find a man who ENJOY spoiling the woman he is into, is very kind hearted, who is CRAZY about you AND who you feel the same way about - and with whom you felt the instant "spark" with and feel strong sexual chemistry with! I mean....I felt the special spark instantly with a reaally "nice" guy! What more could I ask for.....

 

I guess at age 28 I realised being single and getting to explore "all my options" was over rated. I enjoyed it for a good 7 months but then once I realised how slim the pickings out there are, LOL, I decided to change my way of doing things and think about ways in which I could be holding myself back, AS OPPOSED to holding out for what I "thought" I wanted.

 

What I "thought" was that a man who was kind hearted, generous with his money and loved spoiling me - would magically appear in my life and I would feel that intensity of emotions that an unavailable guy made me feel, despite being available.

 

 

Was never going to happen.

[walkingonair]

Youre commitmentphobic

[Leigh 87]

Youre commitmentphobic

 

 

Nah.

 

I wanted to chase the butterflies that only men who you cannot have, provide.

 

Plus I was in a long term R or two, and didn't fear commitment and was dumped, or left the guy for solid reasons like them being a perpetual lazy stoner. Wasn't the lifetime of being together that perturbed me.

 

Commitment phobic's are against the notion of the same man/woman for years on end.

 

Where as I believe in building deeper levels of love and the more time spent together can, in fact, enhance emotions as opposed to making things less exciting.....

[walkingonair]

Nah.

 

I wanted to chase the butterflies that only men who you cannot have, provide.

 

Plus I was in a long term R or two, and didn't fear commitment and was dumped, or left the guy for solid reasons like them being a perpetual lazy stoner. Wasn't the lifetime of being together that perturbed me.

 

Commitment phobic's are against the notion of the same man/woman for years on end.

 

Where as I believe in building deeper levels of love and the more time spent together can, in fact, enhance emotions as opposed to making things less exciting.....

 

Commitmentphobes are usually people who are afraid to get into relationships because they are afraid to get hurt.They want to be with one person but they fear that the rrelationship will end and they will be heartbroken.I think you're afraid of being in a relationship because you fear it wont work in the long run.

[fitnessfan365]

Plus I was in a long term R or two, and didn't fear commitment and was dumped, or left the guy for solid reasons like them being a perpetual lazy stoner. .

 

If you didn't like the fact that he got stoned, why did you keep dating him in the first place? It's not like he suddenly started getting high when you were already in the relationship with him.

[Leigh 87]

I don't mind if a relationship doesn't work out in the long run. What is the sense in worrying?

 

My thing is I was more turned on with a challenge - a guy who challenges me, doesn't want to settle down and yet, against all odds, settles down with ME because I miraculously change his player ways.

 

Or I would be in love with the idea of being the 1 in 1000000women who made a player or non committal type WANT to commit.

 

Nothing to do with commitment phobia.

 

I want to love again and am deff not holding back with this guy.. if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.

[Leigh 87]

If you didn't like the fact that he got stoned, why did you keep dating him in the first place? It's not like he suddenly started getting high when you were already in the relationship with him.

 

 

I was 18.

 

I started smoking myself and even dropped out of college.

 

I didn't realise who I was back then - until two years later, I realised I was not a person who wanted to associate with stoners who opt to be lazy and not have proper jobs or any ambition in life.

 

I quit smoking and went back to school and got a job.

 

He wasn't on the same path. So I left him behind.

[Leigh 87]

afraid to get hurt - not a reason I originally ditched this guy.

 

The whole point of my thread is - I ditched a very suitable man who I felt great chemistry with - because of the anxiety induced "passion" was missing, that only men who aren't into you can cause to begin with.

 

 

It really isn't a hard concept to grasp. I am warning other woman of this nature we can have - and how simple it can be to look within and overcome it.