SpiralOut Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Last night I went out with my bf and one of his good friends. If he wanted guy time that would have been fine, but he invited me, so I went along. Something happened that I don't think is wrong exactly, but it bothered me. His friend asked him if he was planning to get married in his home country. Bf said no. They talked about that for a bit. I just sort of sat there listening. I wouldn't care if they talked about that alone, but I felt awkward listening to that. They weren't asking for my opinion or what I thought. It was like I wasn't even there. We're not engaged..... so listening to my bf talk about his wedding plans, with someone else in front of me like I'm not even there, felt awkward to me. I would most certainly not invite him out with one of my girlfriends and talk about what sort of wedding dress I want while he sits there listening. If we were engaged it would be different, but we aren't, so that's awkward right? Afterwards, I was really quiet and he asked me why. I stupidly answered his question by saying how I felt. He then became defensive, even though I didn't accuse him of doing anything wrong. Why did you even ask me what I'm thinking if you don't want to hear the answer? I wasn't even planning on saying anything. Now I keep thinking about it. Right now I am more upset with how defensive he got. I honestly feel sometimes like I can't say what I think or feel anymore without him becoming defensive and the conversation turning into an argument. I wish that I had declined his invitation. I would have, had I known that I would become a third wheel to their bonding time. Am I overreacting? Edited March 22, 2015 by SpiralOut
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Yes, you're over-reacting. I don't see how he did anything wrong. His friend asked a question, your boyfriend answered him. What's the problem exactly?
Author SpiralOut Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I never said he did anything wrong. I am pointing out how awkward the conversation made me feel. The problem is how defensive my boyfriend is. He asked me what I was thinking so I told him then he got all upset. But if I don't answer his question he gets upset. Why ask me a question you don't want the answer to? I can't win.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) If a buddy of mine brought up wedding stuff in front of a woman I wanted to marry but hadn't proposed to yet, I'd change the subject. First of all, if I wasn't ready to ask her yet, I don't want marriage being discussed in front of her. Secondly, it ruins any surprises in terms of location, style, etc.. Plus, it's better to include her in the discussion after we've gotten engaged. So the fact that he was able to talk about it so openly in front of her, probably means he doesn't see her as marriage material. That's why it's a bad sign and why it was so awkward for her. If this is a guy you've been with for awhile and could see marrying, I actually feel bad for you OP. Edited March 23, 2015 by fitnessfan365 2
Author SpiralOut Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) That's a bad sign OP and I understand why it was awkward for you. Since he was able to have an in depth general conversation about it in front of you, it's like he's saying that you're not a woman he sees as marriage material. If a buddy of mine brought up wedding stuff in front of a woman I wanted to marry but hadn't proposed to yet, I'd change the subject. First of all, I'd want to keep my plans for location, style, etc a surprise. Secondly, it's better to include her in the discussion after we've gotten engaged. The only reason why I'd feel comfortable speaking generally about marriage plans in front of a woman, is if I had no desire to ever marry her. Yes, that's it exactly. I thought that sort of conversation should include me! Granted, he has told me several times that he sees me as marriage material. We've discussed it before. I'm not worried about my bf not wanting to marry me. The main impression that I got, is that his friend doesn't see us lasting. Why else would he ask my bf a question like that in front of me, while excluding me from the conversation? Maybe he didn't mean it that way but that's the vibe that I got. I wouldn't have minded so much of my bf had shown some understanding afterwards when I told him how I felt. I think I had a right to feel uncomfortable, even if they didn't mean any harm. Edited March 23, 2015 by SpiralOut
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, that's it exactly. I thought that sort of conversation should include me! Granted, he has told me several times that he sees me as marriage material. We've discussed it before. I'm not worried about my bf not wanting to marry me. The main impression that I got, is that his friend doesn't see us lasting. Why else would he ask my bf a question like that in front of me, while excluding me from the conversation? Maybe he didn't mean it that way but that's the vibe that I got. That's how I took it as well. But it's still a bad sign that your BF was able to discuss it so generally and openly in front of you. As I said, if a guy wants to eventually propose to a woman, he wants it to be on his terms. Not because the idea was planted in her head, and he's forced to act with her repeatedly hinting and bringing it up. So his indifference about your presence is kind of a bad sign IMO.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 So should I try talking to him about it? I don't really know what to do now. This has been really, really bothering me all day. I didn't even have sex with him last night when he came home with me. He didn't tell his friend where he wants to get married, or how, or any details like that. He just said he didn't want to get married in his home country because it's too much travel time. Then the friend complained that he wanted an excuse to go visit that country and my bf said "well go travel there yourself then and visit other places while you're at it." That was the end of the conversation. Is that still bad? It was more the friend than my bf that I got a bad vibe from, but I'm not very happy that he got defensive about it. I'm surprised that he didn't say "oh sorry I didn't mean anything by it, my friend just asks questions without thinking sometimes."
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Is there any chance he plans to marry someone from his country and that's what the guy was getting at? If so, I'd be pissed too.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Well if that's the case, then you're completely overreacting. The way you made it sound was that there was some in depth discussion in front of you. However, him simply saying his home country would be too travel and telling his friend to go there himself to end the discussion is NOTHING. I think you should apologize to your BF for over reacting and then be his good girl in the bedroom to make it up to him.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Is there any chance he plans to marry someone from his country and that's what the guy was getting at? If so, I'd be pissed too. No, I don't think so. His family has tried to set him up into an arranged marriage before and he told them he didn't want to do that. When I say home country I mean his country of origin. His parents were raised there, then came here and my bf was born and raised here. He wants to visit, just to learn more about his culture, but he doesn't want to live there.
Author SpiralOut Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Okay, well was his friend still being insensitive though?
Author SpiralOut Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I think I know why I'm so upset: baggage from my past relationship that I didn't even realize I still had. My last bf had some friends who didn't like me. One of them acted as if I didn't matter - he would do things like ask my (ex)bf to leave me behind at an event, even though I was his date. Other people noticed and commented on his behaviour. Then, the one woman wrote a nasty message and convinced my (ex)bf to send it to me through his Facebook account so it looked like he wrote it. She tried to interfere with our relationship. It didn't work, but I should have seen the red flag that my (ex)bf actually LET her do that in the first place. So even though my bfs friends seem nice enough, I can't help but feel wary. But that's not really fair to them. I know what to do now.
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