fluidian Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I've been having a wonderful time dating a girl for about the past 2 months - things have escalated, and we see each other 2-3+ times/week, sex, making-out, whatever, are basically always on the table if desired, and we usually spend the night with each other when we get together. Anyhow, I'm not one who really cares about labels, etc., but to clarify we haven't chatted about exclusivity or anything of the sort. To that end, I went to a party/university alumni networking event this past week - a few girls were chatting with me - I assumed for networking purposes, and one proposed brunch - she seemed really interested in my work, so I figure she was trying to break into the industry, or whatever. I had brunch with her earlier today, and her intentions were clearly not networking - she was handsy, flirty, and everything else that's a hallmark of a googly eyed girl trying to date. Nothing ultimately ended up happening with the brunch girl (because I didn't want it to), other than it got me thinking about whether or not I should be exclusive with the great person I'm currently dating (as a note, I haven't gone out on a date with a different girl for about the past month). As mentioned, it's been about 2 months since I met the girl I'm dating, we have contact almost daily (if not daily), at least in the form of a text or call. Is it too early to have a discussion exclusivity, is it the right time, or what is your perspective?
GTR King Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 If you really like her & think you are ready when you next see her just ask her out & see what she says 1
Satu Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 If you really like her & think you are ready when you next see her just ask her out & see what she says I agree. Sounds like that time has come.
preraph Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 If you're feeling like being exclusive with her, great. Just ask her how she feels about it. And then discuss what that means to each of you. For example, to me, I'd want us to agree that it meant that we're not dating anyone except each other and that if one of us became interested in someone else, they'd call off the exclusivity before going out with the other person. I'd discuss things like going out with friends. What if you want to go out with the guys without her or she wants to go out with the girls, which is perfectly reasonable at your ages, and get an understanding about that you can agree on. Discuss talking to exes and get on the same page about that. For example, if either of you is remaining friends with an ex and getting texts or seeing them when you go home, talk all that out now before it happens and see if you can agree on how to handle that, i.e., don't do it period or it's fine as long as you can both trust each other. 1
writergal Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Couples become exclusive when they both decide the time is right. 'When' to become exclusive is not a 'set standard.' It's up to the couple to decide. That said, there are definite signs to look for in your partner and the relationship that can determine if exclusivity is the right choice. The label girlfriend/boyfriend is now in use. You have deleted your online dating profile. There aren't any major red flags getting in the way.You've met each other's family and friends. People know that you two are a couple. You grocery shop for each other. You both actively plan your social calendar together. You survive disagreements and communicate honestly with each other.You don't lie, cheat, or manipulate the other person. You/They are the first person you see/talk to and the last person you see/talk to every day. You don't want to date anyone else. They come to you first for advice and feedback when they have a huge life decision to make. You trust each other implicitly. There's no reason not to. You respect each other and have good boundaries. You do things you know will please the other person because you want to make them happy. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Everything sounds about right in terms of dating frequency and the physical by the time you get to two months. However, the most telling for me is what you said about brunch girl. You had a chance to get a hot girl's number that was expressing obvious signs of interest. But you chose not to because you were thinking about the woman in your life. That tells me, that you're leaning towards being ready for exclusivity. But, ALWAYS let her initiate the conversation. If she's not a least dropping hints about it, just keep things as is until she does.
Author fluidian Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 But, ALWAYS let her initiate the conversation. If she's not a least dropping hints about it, just keep things as is until she does. Should the girl really always be the first one to bring up exclusivity? If there are predefined gender roles for certain conversation topics, I admit, I'm kind of clueless.
Auspecial Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I've been having a wonderful time dating a girl for about the past 2 months - things have escalated, and we see each other 2-3+ times/week, sex, making-out, whatever, are basically always on the table if desired, and we usually spend the night with each other when we get together. Anyhow, I'm not one who really cares about labels, etc., but to clarify we haven't chatted about exclusivity or anything of the sort. To that end, I went to a party/university alumni networking event this past week - a few girls were chatting with me - I assumed for networking purposes, and one proposed brunch - she seemed really interested in my work, so I figure she was trying to break into the industry, or whatever. I had brunch with her earlier today, and her intentions were clearly not networking - she was handsy, flirty, and everything else that's a hallmark of a googly eyed girl trying to date. Nothing ultimately ended up happening with the brunch girl (because I didn't want it to), other than it got me thinking about whether or not I should be exclusive with the great person I'm currently dating (as a note, I haven't gone out on a date with a different girl for about the past month). As mentioned, it's been about 2 months since I met the girl I'm dating, we have contact almost daily (if not daily), at least in the form of a text or call. Is it too early to have a discussion exclusivity, is it the right time, or what is your perspective? I think the right time is when you start wondering if its the right time. If you knew for sure you wanted to be with others, you wouldn't be questioning this. To me, you said you have been having a "wonderful time," so why jeopardize a wonderful situation with allowing a bunch of unknown elements into the mix? There are ways to be sure of physical exclusivity without a bunch of labels. its up to yours and hers honest communication to come up with that reality. Plus, at this point you don't know what she is thinking about being exclusive, and knowing this is something both of you need to know, going forward. It certainly doesn't mean you are about to get married! I think it is honorable to put the in-person chat on the table sooner rather than later. This way, things are less likely to get murky and ugly for either or both sides. 1
Auspecial Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Couples become exclusive when they both decide the time is right. 'When' to become exclusive is not a 'set standard.' It's up to the couple to decide. That said, there are definite signs to look for in your partner and the relationship that can determine if exclusivity is the right choice. The label girlfriend/boyfriend is now in use. You have deleted your online dating profile. There aren't any major red flags getting in the way.You've met each other's family and friends. People know that you two are a couple. You grocery shop for each other. You both actively plan your social calendar together. You survive disagreements and communicate honestly with each other.You don't lie, cheat, or manipulate the other person. You/They are the first person you see/talk to and the last person you see/talk to every day. You don't want to date anyone else. They come to you first for advice and feedback when they have a huge life decision to make. You trust each other implicitly. There's no reason not to. You respect each other and have good boundaries. You do things you know will please the other person because you want to make them happy. Love this, thanks! 2
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Should the girl really always be the first one to bring up exclusivity? If there are predefined gender roles for certain conversation topics, I admit, I'm kind of clueless. I've never brought up exclusivity. I prefer men who go for what they want, and the man has always asked me to be his girl. If he's not excited enough about me to do that, I'll pass. I think this would be a good time to have that conversation. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I've never brought up exclusivity. I prefer men who go for what they want, and the man has always asked me to be his girl. If he's not excited enough about me to do that, I'll pass. I think this would be a good time to have that conversation. The same thing can be said from his POV. If you're not at least hinting about it, then how excited can you be about him? 1
TouchedByViolet Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Not too fast. It's time to man up.... if you want something (exclusivity), ask for it...
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) OP, since you are the one thinking about it and have realized you want it, why wait for her to bring it up? That's a power game imo. And would serve no purpose other than causing anxiety on your part suppressing feelings you otherwise want to express... She may be totally into you and probably is....but is simply going with the flow, taking it one day at a time. Which may be one reason you fell for her. She's not pushing! If you feel it's time to discuss it, then by all means do so. Don't play that "oh the woman should always bring it up first" game. Pfft, that's just silliness. It's not too soon if that's what you're worried about.... Good luck! Edited March 23, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Redhead14 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I've been having a wonderful time dating a girl for about the past 2 months - things have escalated, and we see each other 2-3+ times/week, sex, making-out, whatever, are basically always on the table if desired, and we usually spend the night with each other when we get together. Anyhow, I'm not one who really cares about labels, etc., but to clarify we haven't chatted about exclusivity or anything of the sort. To that end, I went to a party/university alumni networking event this past week - a few girls were chatting with me - I assumed for networking purposes, and one proposed brunch - she seemed really interested in my work, so I figure she was trying to break into the industry, or whatever. I had brunch with her earlier today, and her intentions were clearly not networking - she was handsy, flirty, and everything else that's a hallmark of a googly eyed girl trying to date. Nothing ultimately ended up happening with the brunch girl (because I didn't want it to), other than it got me thinking about whether or not I should be exclusive with the great person I'm currently dating (as a note, I haven't gone out on a date with a different girl for about the past month). As mentioned, it's been about 2 months since I met the girl I'm dating, we have contact almost daily (if not daily), at least in the form of a text or call. Is it too early to have a discussion exclusivity, is it the right time, or what is your perspective? If you're having sex, it's not too soon to be exclusive. However, it was too soon to be having sex. If you're having sex with someone, you should at least declare exclusivity. Do you want the other person to be having sex with other people too? If you two aren't on the same page, you're both gonna get hurt.
Author fluidian Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Thanks all for the feedback - it's super helpful. I hung with her last night. For context, she's definitely getting a bit presumptuous and seems to really want to spend time together - she normally goes to bed at ~10/10:30 on work nights (like last night). Last night I got back into town around 8 and told her we could hangout if she was up for it (I wasn't more definitive, as it was late Sunday night - but I opted for leaving the door open). She came over to my place - and got there about 8:45 - she had clear expectations of spending the night (which was a bit of a surprise, as in the past she's told me that she always likes to stay at home on work nights). At this point, I think she's likely expecting that whenever we hang out, we'll spend the night together. For further context, we stayed together on Friday night - went out on the town, late Saturday morning, grabbed breakfast, I dropped her off for a couple of hours. At that point, she wanted to test drive a couple cars (she's getting a new one), so I figured why not. She had a party in the evening (law school buddies) - so she went by herself, but she left on the early-ish side and she called me on the way home, and "conveniently" took the wrong exit that goes by my house - she played dumb, but it was pretty obvious what the story was, although I didn't bother inviting her over as I was a bit tired. She initiated contact on Sunday and jumped at the idea of getting together in the evening. I was contemplating bringing up the exclusivity topic last night, although I didn't, but I did mention the "brunch girl". Fortunately, she wasn't threatened by that experience (which was a concern - but I opted for honesty, in particular because I genuinely thought it would be a networking thing, and nothing happened). She didn't say anything about exclusivity following that conversation, but based on some other conversation topics, I think she's comfortable with the idea, or potentially thinking we are exclusive already. I say that she may be thinking that we are exclusive already because I had told her that I hadn't gone out with anyone else for a few weeks about a week ago, and she seems to be acting a bit different since then (in a positive way - although I understand the value in getting an official confirmation on exclusivity). I'll probably bring up exclusivity at some point relatively soon (if she doesn't broach the topic), just to clarify for myself, but her actions seems pretty consistent and she's not leaving herself a lot of time to go explore other frontiers...basically, she's effectively acting like it's exclusive.
Redhead14 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Thanks all for the feedback - it's super helpful. I hung with her last night. For context, she's definitely getting a bit presumptuous and seems to really want to spend time together - she normally goes to bed at ~10/10:30 on work nights (like last night). Last night I got back into town around 8 and told her we could hangout if she was up for it (I wasn't more definitive, as it was late Sunday night - but I opted for leaving the door open). She came over to my place - and got there about 8:45 - she had clear expectations of spending the night (which was a bit of a surprise, as in the past she's told me that she always likes to stay at home on work nights). At this point, I think she's likely expecting that whenever we hang out, we'll spend the night together. For further context, we stayed together on Friday night - went out on the town, late Saturday morning, grabbed breakfast, I dropped her off for a couple of hours. At that point, she wanted to test drive a couple cars (she's getting a new one), so I figured why not. She had a party in the evening (law school buddies) - so she went by herself, but she left on the early-ish side and she called me on the way home, and "conveniently" took the wrong exit that goes by my house - she played dumb, but it was pretty obvious what the story was, although I didn't bother inviting her over as I was a bit tired. She initiated contact on Sunday and jumped at the idea of getting together in the evening. I was contemplating bringing up the exclusivity topic last night, although I didn't, but I did mention the "brunch girl". Fortunately, she wasn't threatened by that experience (which was a concern - but I opted for honesty, in particular because I genuinely thought it would be a networking thing, and nothing happened). She didn't say anything about exclusivity following that conversation, but based on some other conversation topics, I think she's comfortable with the idea, or potentially thinking we are exclusive already. I say that she may be thinking that we are exclusive already because I had told her that I hadn't gone out with anyone else for a few weeks about a week ago, and she seems to be acting a bit different since then (in a positive way - although I understand the value in getting an official confirmation on exclusivity). I'll probably bring up exclusivity at some point relatively soon (if she doesn't broach the topic), just to clarify for myself, but her actions seems pretty consistent and she's not leaving herself a lot of time to go explore other frontiers...basically, she's effectively acting like it's exclusive. You should be clear with yourself about what exclusivity means to you though. Some people feel that exclusivity means boyfriend/girlfriend. But, exclusivity really should be the period during which you are focusing on that person to determine whether the potential for a long-term relationship exists. It's the period between casual dating and boyfriend/girlfriend, long-term commitment. It's about managing expectations and emotions. If you two aren't in agreement there, I'd end it before you get too invested in the relationship. 1
writergal Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Thanks all for the feedback - it's super helpful. I hung with her last night. For context, she's definitely getting a bit presumptuous and seems to really want to spend time together - she normally goes to bed at ~10/10:30 on work nights (like last night). Last night I got back into town around 8 and told her we could hangout if she was up for it (I wasn't more definitive, as it was late Sunday night - but I opted for leaving the door open). She came over to my place - and got there about 8:45 - she had clear expectations of spending the night (which was a bit of a surprise, as in the past she's told me that she always likes to stay at home on work nights). At this point, I think she's likely expecting that whenever we hang out, we'll spend the night together. For further context, we stayed together on Friday night - went out on the town, late Saturday morning, grabbed breakfast, I dropped her off for a couple of hours. At that point, she wanted to test drive a couple cars (she's getting a new one), so I figured why not. She had a party in the evening (law school buddies) - so she went by herself, but she left on the early-ish side and she called me on the way home, and "conveniently" took the wrong exit that goes by my house - she played dumb, but it was pretty obvious what the story was, although I didn't bother inviting her over as I was a bit tired. She initiated contact on Sunday and jumped at the idea of getting together in the evening. I was contemplating bringing up the exclusivity topic last night, although I didn't, but I did mention the "brunch girl". Fortunately, she wasn't threatened by that experience (which was a concern - but I opted for honesty, in particular because I genuinely thought it would be a networking thing, and nothing happened). She didn't say anything about exclusivity following that conversation, but based on some other conversation topics, I think she's comfortable with the idea, or potentially thinking we are exclusive already. I say that she may be thinking that we are exclusive already because I had told her that I hadn't gone out with anyone else for a few weeks about a week ago, and she seems to be acting a bit different since then (in a positive way - although I understand the value in getting an official confirmation on exclusivity). I'll probably bring up exclusivity at some point relatively soon (if she doesn't broach the topic), just to clarify for myself, but her actions seems pretty consistent and she's not leaving herself a lot of time to go explore other frontiers...basically, she's effectively acting like it's exclusive. It sure doesn't sound like you want to be exclusive with this woman if you were put off by her expectation to spend the night at your place. If you want to be exclusive with her, why wouldn't you want her to spend the night? Plus, you could have asked her to be exclusive when you brought up brunch girl, but you didn't. Methinks you don't want to be exclusive with this woman. She seems to annoy you which begs the question, "why are you dating this woman who annoys you?" Mixed messages do not a clear thread topic make.
Author fluidian Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 It sure doesn't sound like you want to be exclusive with this woman if you were put off by her expectation to spend the night at your place. If you want to be exclusive with her, why wouldn't you want her to spend the night? Plus, you could have asked her to be exclusive when you brought up brunch girl, but you didn't. Methinks you don't want to be exclusive with this woman. She seems to annoy you which begs the question, "why are you dating this woman who annoys you?" Mixed messages do not a clear thread topic make. Maybe I mis-communicated something - I wasn't put off by her expecting to spend the night on Sunday - just more surprised that she wanted to, because she had previously mentioned that she always likes to stay at home on work nights...I was actually glad she wanted to stay over. As for talking about exclusivity after the brunch girl conversation - yeah, that would have made sense, and truthfully, was my intention, but the way that conversation flowed, it didn't fit in smoothly - it would have been an awkward transition, and it's not a huge deal right now for me to definitively know, so I figured I can just wait until a better/different time presents itself. I'm not going to go crazy if I don't know today versus next weekend, or even thereafter.
writergal Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Maybe I mis-communicated something - I wasn't put off by her expecting to spend the night on Sunday - just more surprised that she wanted to, because she had previously mentioned that she always likes to stay at home on work nights...I was actually glad she wanted to stay over. As for talking about exclusivity after the brunch girl conversation - yeah, that would have made sense, and truthfully, was my intention, but the way that conversation flowed, it didn't fit in smoothly - it would have been an awkward transition, and it's not a huge deal right now for me to definitively know, so I figured I can just wait until a better/different time presents itself. I'm not going to go crazy if I don't know today versus next weekend, or even thereafter. Ah, ok then. So you DO want to be exclusive with her? No? Then I would think she would be ready to hear your exclusivity talk at anytime. Why not just casually bring it up the next time that you see her in person?
Auspecial Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Should the girl really always be the first one to bring up exclusivity? If there are predefined gender roles for certain conversation topics, I admit, I'm kind of clueless. No, but it usually is the girl. If a guy realizes how fleeting and fragile a relationship can be, he will lock it down himself, but usually the female is the one more emotionally in-tune with this area. He may be really into it, but not clue-in to the small details of relationship "management." lol 1
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Maybe I mis-communicated something - I wasn't put off by her expecting to spend the night on Sunday - just more surprised that she wanted to, because she had previously mentioned that she always likes to stay at home on work nights...I was actually glad she wanted to stay over. As for talking about exclusivity after the brunch girl conversation - yeah, that would have made sense, and truthfully, was my intention, but the way that conversation flowed, it didn't fit in smoothly - it would have been an awkward transition, and it's not a huge deal right now for me to definitively know, so I figured I can just wait until a better/different time presents itself. I'm not going to go crazy if I don't know today versus next weekend, or even thereafter. fluidian...everything seems to be flowing quite nicely, *clearly* you are both into each other, enjoying each other, your "relationshio" is progressing naturally and organically..with no pressure from either side to do so.. Sounds awesome...what more could you ask for at this point? SO, stop over-thinking, over-analzing and just relax and enjoy!
writergal Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 fluidian...everything seems to be flowing quite nicely, *clearly* you are both into each other, enjoying each other, your "relationshio" is progressing naturally and organically..with no pressure from either side to do so.. Sounds awesome...what more could you ask for at this point? SO, stop over-thinking, over-analzing and just relax and enjoy! I agree with katiegrl. You're dating a woman, not buying a Kia. Just ask her to be exclusive for Pete sake! 2
GemmaUK Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Exclusivity to me is when you start sleeping with each other and neither is meeting/dating nor seeing anyone else. I disagree with a few things on Writergal's list (no offence intended) but I wouldn't be doing his grocery shopping and wouldn't expect him to be doing mine. He wouldn't always be the first and last person I spoke to every day as I don't need nor want that many calls and if it's via text then you are usually expected to then keep the conversation up all day every day which becomes just too much. If I have a major decision to make I would go to someone who had experience - if it were him then fine but if eg. I was looking for a new job then I would go see a recruitment agent. Same in reverse, I wouldn't expect him to come for me for advice on something I know nothing about.
writergal Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Exclusivity to me is when you start sleeping with each other and neither is meeting/dating nor seeing anyone else. I disagree with a few things on Writergal's list (no offence intended) but I wouldn't be doing his grocery shopping and wouldn't expect him to be doing mine. He wouldn't always be the first and last person I spoke to every day as I don't need nor want that many calls and if it's via text then you are usually expected to then keep the conversation up all day every day which becomes just too much. If I have a major decision to make I would go to someone who had experience - if it were him then fine but if eg. I was looking for a new job then I would go see a recruitment agent. Same in reverse, I wouldn't expect him to come for me for advice on something I know nothing about. No offense taken Gemma. I basically made that list off the top of my head based on what I view as commitment. I think everyone has their own list that applies to them.
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