Lovingme35 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I am having a very rough time right now that is beginning to effect my health. I am going to start off by saying that on Monday, I am going back to my therapist and going in for counseling. I was in a relationship with my ex for almost a year. It was a rough start. I knew from the beginning that he had issues. He had a rough childhood that made him into a commitment phobic. I realized that after our first breakup when he would pull away as soon as things got to close between us. The first breakup was tough. I ended up accidentally getting pregnant by him. I had an IUD at the time and it failed. I lost the baby shortly thereafter and he bailed. I didn't hear from him for a month. I started dating again and tried to move on. When he contacted me and we started dating again, I second guessed myself. He was so sweet and charming, and I thought I had been mistaken about my earlier assessment. We had so much fun together and had so much in common. He would jokingly accuse me of copying him all of the time because our tastes were so similar. We each had the keys to each others houses. We took a ski trip together and and flew with me across the country to meet my family for Christmas. Shortly thereafter my dad got really sick. It effected him just as much as it was effecting me. I flew out and spent a week in the hospital with my dad, but he didn't make it. My ex and I cried together over the loss. He seemed genuinely distraught. The next day was my birthday. My ex began messaging me early in the day, that things were bothering him about me. I kept apologizing but he didn't stop. I knew where this was going. He broke up with me that day. So distraught, I canceled plans with my friends whom we were supposed to have dinner with, and spent the night with him. I was hysterical, he cried too and held me throughout the night. The next day I flew out to my dads funeral alone. As the plane took off, I had a major panic attack. I started hyperventilating and hysterically crying. They almost had to turn the plane around. I flew back that night and spent the rest of the weekend with my ex. We remained seeing each other for the next month. Nothing had really changed except now there was the stipulation that we could see other people. We still held hands, kissed and acted as if we were still together. The only problem was that I was not handling it well. I got on an antidepressant and tried to start slowly separating my feelings so that I could move on. I also started to message other people as did he. I did not want to end it. I just knew deep down that what was happening, was not right. We agreed to let the other know if we went on a date. Last week I reached my boiling point when I saw he had a message on his phone. I told him we needed to go our separate ways. He seemed like he was very upset really didn't want to do it, but I insisted. I know now that it was wrong, but my point of doing this was so that he would miss me and want to come back. It was the worst mistake I have ever made, and I will never forgive myself for it. He walked away last Sunday. By Friday I was not only hurting emotionally, but physically as well. I have a huge rash on my face that is being caused by stress. My skin is dry and my hair has started to fall out. He contacted me Friday morning wanting to know how I was. We messaged all day and I asked him if I could come get my stuff. Yes I went over with the intention of staying. I wanted to work things out. We started talking and I was shocked to learn that he had gone on a date with someone earlier in the week. I cried. I asked him to not see her anymore. He refused. I was so shocked and hollow I made the worst decision yet. I stayed. I became clingy. As all of this was happening he became angrier and angrier. He asked me to leave and I refused. I begged him to let me stay on the couch so I would not have to be alone for the night, then I would go home. He refused, saying he didn't think it was a good idea. I finally took my things and left. As I walked out of the door he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me to take care. I uttered something very nasty to him and walked out. I am broken, I am lost. I cannot eat and all I do is think of him. He deleted and blocked me on Facebook before I even got back home. He know that I would never do anything to hurt him, so it was very painful to even see that. I want to apologize to him about my actions. I told him to never contact me again, but I didn't mean it. I know that things will never be the same between us, but I don't want to end our relationship this way. I don't want to move on. I want him back, even just as friends.
Eaglestar83 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Can't believe people could inflict so much pain onto their supposedly significant other. Am so sorry for what you are going through. Nobody deserves this. We date and we genuinely open our hearts and build trust with people because we believe in them, and then they turn out this way. You do not need him, and you can survive perfectly well without him, as you did most of your life. The problem is that you are attached to him, whilst he is not attached to you ( to the extent that he is happy to date a random stranger despite knowing how painful that would be for you). It is a huge betrayal of trust, and abuse of a power which he now apparently has over you. It's cruel to say the least. The only thing you can do is to start detaching yourself from this man 3
spiderowl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) I am sorry you are going through this Lovingme. It sounds like you've had a horrendous time. It's not suprising that you are suffering physically as well as mentally. It will take a while to come to terms with all that has happened. You have lost a parent and a boyfriend within two days - that would be a huge blow to anyone. I don't think you should be too concerned about your recent actions. They were as the result of stress and of not really comprehending what was happening. It sounds like your guy has moved on somewhat but you haven't yet. It does take a while to grasp that someone is at a different stage. It's not surprising you reacted with shock and anger. Forgive yourself now, you deserve some love and care not all this. It doesn't sound like you made a mistake breaking up with this guy. I'm sure it hurts a lot but the alternative would be to stay in a limited kind of friends relationship with him and feel the punches every time he talks to anyone else. I'm no expert on this as I'm experiencing something similar though much less than you. Go to the counselling: I'm sure that will help you to see a way through this emotionally demanding time. Look after yourself, rest, do things you enjoy, catch up with your good friends, reduce demands on yourself until you recover. You have an inner strength I'm sure, it's just you've been battered by events recently. I hope you feel better soon. xx Edited March 22, 2015 by spiderowl 1
Author Lovingme35 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) I am really fighting the urge to contact him today. I found out I am suffering from hypercupremia that was brought on by my copper IUD. I am treating it and already feel much better emotionally. I want to tell him this but I know he is still angry about Friday. I don't think it would even matter. I am grasping at straws. Only time can heal. I just wish it did not have to end so badly. I feel like I lost my best friend. Edited March 23, 2015 by Lovingme35
badpenny Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Anyone who treats you that way cannot be considered a friend. Bear in mind the very best friend you will ever have, in your entire life - is you. You will never let you down, and you will never do anything to yourself that you will condemn yourself for, for the remainder of your life.... ...Will you...? Keeping in touch with him will be foolish, self-defeating and soul-destroying. There is a dependency here you must discuss with your therapist. I wish you healing and continued good health. But look after yourself in the way you deserve.
Author Lovingme35 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I am so sad. I want to message him so bad. I am so anxious thinking that I might never see him again. My kids are here and they are watching me cry. I am wishing for breadcrumbs just so I will have some hope. This can't be the end.
Mi7522 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 How old are your kids? You will have to be strong for them, why don't you suggest going for walk with them to get yourself out of the house and get your mind off him
TunaCat Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Please OP, take care of yourself and focus on your kids. Normally I don't think it's a bad thing to have your kids see you cry, but in this case, you need to stop crying in front of your kids. Go for a walk with the kids and try to get your mind off this guy. He's not worth your tears.
MommytoBe Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Aww honey.. Don't let it be that bad on you.. He's a jerk and truly doesn't deserve you at all!! I'm so sorry for how he's treating you!! Mine left me recently and I'm preggo with his first baby, so trust me I know how hard it is, but don't let yourself deteriorate!!! Be strong, everything passes!!
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