BluEyeL Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I had the reverse situation, people assuming that because I'm a woman I must not do much "for money". When I got my current job, as a professor in an engineering department at a large university, I met another professor in a different department. And he's asking me "what are you doing here. Did you come with your husband?" LOL I mean, if I'm a woman I can't have a job here, I have to "come with my husband". Some other time a young man came to my office and said "excuse me ma'am, do you know where can I find an engineering professor?". I said "I am one, but if you meant where you can find a MALE engineering professor, every other office has one" 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I LOVE this question. Can't wait for the opportunity to talk about my job I also ask this question of a man early on. It is much less to do with how much money he makes but more to find out his views on the eductation and it's also a good indicator of his intellectual level and ambiton. Apathetic people that do bare minimum of work to get by or people that stay in the job they hate are not good matches for me. 3
loveweary11 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I had the reverse situation, people assuming that because I'm a woman I must not do much "for money". When I got my current job, as a professor in an engineering department at a large university, I met another professor in a different department. And he's asking me "what are you doing here. Did you come with your husband?" LOL I mean, if I'm a woman I can't have a job here, I have to "come with my husband". Some other time a young man came to my office and said "excuse me ma'am, do you know where can I find an engineering professor?". I said "I am one, but if you meant where you can find a MALE engineering professor, every other office has one" It might be that you're more fun and attractive than the average engineering professor. I'd take it as a compliment. If you don't *look* like an engineering professor, but have the intelligence of one, that's the best one can hope for!
Auspecial Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 One thing you need to realize is that most people are not expert conversationalists. Being an artful conservationist takes a lot of skill and effort and most people just don't have that. This is not a knock on people but just something that you should know what you're dealing with. Knowing the "base line" so to speak. That said, most of the time this question is asked, it is asked just as a way to start a conversation. They don't know what else to say. AND, on top of that, they are interested in learning about you and it SEEMS like a perfectly normal thing to ask a person. Basically, they just want to get to know you and will use the typical questions like "What do you do?" and "What do you do for fun?" or "Tell me about you" as a way to achieve that and make a connection. You shouldn't take it personally because they probably could care less about the actual answer! I agree with you that people use this as a conversation starter and may be innocent question a good part of the tie. However, any people use it as a way to determine if they think you are good enough, par, sub-par, etc. "in their own minds." I've had many people have comebacks to what I do for a living. I am happy and I am ambitious and driven and have a very rich social life. However, its not enough for them, and I have gotten many a shii-comment that really proves that many people ask what do you do in order to try to one-up you or at least, "in their own minds," feel superior. Some examples: "That's okay for now...." (I haven't said I am unhappy) "You should be able to answer the phone/be available for me because you're just a _____." "Let me edit your resume." (Excuse me??!!??) "You really should be able to find a better job. You aren't applying yourself." (Go F yourself.) "You are too good for that." (I haven't said I am unhappy.) "My last gf did xyz." "You aren't ambitious enough. (F yourself. At least I'm not suicidal, like you.)
Auspecial Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I don't like the question either. It's too hrd to explain to people because I'm so damn weird and do so many things. lol:lmao: I prefer to hang around with people who are not defined by their careers and get to know them for who they are, not for what they do to generate money Basically, I drop it down to, "I own a couple small businesses." and steer the conversation to more personal topics. Like it.
Auspecial Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Totally agree with OP. As my counselor said you are a human being, doing good in this world. The other question asked off the cuff and over abused is : How are you today? .... Its really not an inquiry nor is it meant sincerely. So save your words and don't ask. I distain false sincerity. So much time can be saved with genuine thought and gestures. So OP, its okay to be unnerved by this. It shows that your values and time are better served elsewhere. I'd recommend reading "games people play" by eric berne. He speaks about social language/inter action and how ppl convey, so long as you play by the rules! Fascinating read! Thanks for that suggestion!
Auspecial Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Your intolerance for this question is not as unique as you think. As someone who is not career driven, I can totally identify with your sentiments. However, when I was younger and ambitious and there were brief adventures into success(I was a theatre actor), I had no problem answering the question. Here's the thing, though: whether I've been down on my luck or doing something that was really cool, the reaction is always the same. So, now when people ask me, I just tell them, "I don't know." Because I literally don't know what I'm doing. Living, I guess. That answer is about as mind blowing as all the other answers. I've even found on a few occasions that people given this naked, lackluster answer attempt to mirror it with their own lackluster answer. Do they tell the next person they're colonizing the moon? I have no idea. Love it!! Thank you.
Auspecial Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I was always asked that question by guys. "So what do you do?" "I'm an artist" "OK, so what do you do for money?" "I'm a stripper and I work part time at hooters" the last bit is what I should have said but I was always getting asked what I did for money after I already answered the job question. Exactly! Many people have their own expectations of what others "should" be doing and they can't handle the truth! LOL!
Bobbi7 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 How do you change the subject? I hate my job. When meeting people its also a way of them knowing if they want to date or be friends with you. If you're high on the pyramid-they want to be your best friend/date you. If you are considered low-no one wants to be your friend. Once I tell them what I do-they proceed to ask me like 20 questions.
SpiralOut Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I've never liked that question very much since I don't like what I do. Usually I would say something like "oh I do this for a living, but I prefer to focus my attention on stuff outside of work. Right now I'm really focused on [current project]" Most people are able to take the hint and ask about your projects or other interests, and voila the subject is changed.
Eggplant Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 'What do you do?' is fine. However, when people ask overly-intrusive questions I am tempted to make up a response.
autumnnight Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I sometimes scold men for being whiny, but I am starting to understand why they gripe. What do you do is now offensive? Really??? 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I sometimes scold men for being whiny, but I am starting to understand why they gripe. What do you do is now offensive? Really??? Yeah, just like "coffee dates" are intolerable or "what do you like to do for fun?" is a stupid question to be asking according to some people. It's like they enjoy belittling or feeling they're above someone. 1
autumnnight Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I've done some reading in the dating areas of LS today, and I think I owe some men apologies..... 1
guest569 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I've done some reading in the dating areas of LS today, and I think I owe some men apologies..... I'd be careful with that one. It's not a 'women' issue. It's an issue for people with self-esteem issues or inferiority complexes who are ashamed to admit what they do for a living and would rather make the person asking the question the one with the issue. For being nosey or asking for the purpose of their own benefit rather than because they are genuinely interested in getting to know someone. 1
autumnnight Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I'd be careful with that one. It's not a 'women' issue. It's an issue for people with self-esteem issues or inferiority complexes who are ashamed to admit what they do for a living and would rather make the person asking the question the one with the issue. For being nosey or asking for the purpose of their own benefit rather than because they are genuinely interested in getting to know someone. Yeah, but between this and hating chit chat and he doesn't want s3x and hecwants it too soon and he still has a dating profile and he took down his profile too fast and he is threatened by my strength and he's not manly enough and he's too manly and he holds his fork wrong...., We do realize that we are all imperfect humans, right? 1
guest569 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Yeah, but between this and hating chit chat and he doesn't want s3x and hecwants it too soon and he still has a dating profile and he took down his profile too fast and he is threatened by my strength and he's not manly enough and he's too manly and he holds his fork wrong...., We do realize that we are all imperfect humans, right? Who is saying that we are all perfect? We all have our opinions, morals, values, different cultures and social norms. Of course it is going to generate some complaints and frustrations when dating doesn't go as planned. It's certainly not just women.
autumnnight Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Who is saying that we are all perfect? We all have our opinions, morals, values, different cultures and social norms. Of course it is going to generate some complaints and frustrations when dating doesn't go as planned. It's certainly not just women. Call me weird, but getting that upset over a simple getting to know you question spells high maintenance and impossible to please to me. That's not a moral, that's just...overly sensitive.
guest569 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Call me weird, but getting that upset over a simple getting to know you question spells high maintenance and impossible to please to me. That's not a moral, that's just...overly sensitive. Yep, I totally agree. I'm just not going to put down an entire gender over it.
autumnnight Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Yep, I totally agree. I'm just not going to put down an entire gender over it. I'm not putting down an entire gender. I am making a very valid observation as a middle aged woman about the social habits of 16-24 year old women as a rule. I remember an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry broke up with a woman because "she eats her peas one at a time." There's a reason that elicited laughter.
SupportiveGuy Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Most young people I know hate their job, so I never ask what they do for work. I don't want to spend time listening to them complain about the one responsibility they have in their life. Middle aged or older people, however, I often ask if they haven't already bragged about it. I love to learn about things from people who are excited about the subject. I don't mind telling people what I do for a living... I am just trying to stay alive... and often struggling at it. What annoys me is when a young inexperienced kid says "oh that sounds fun" like being disabled is some kind of vacation.
dragonfire13 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I understand what you're saying (hated that question when I was unemployed but was simultaneously trying to get out there and date or make new friends through Meetup) but it's a go-to question to show your interest in getting to know someone. When I flat out told people I was unemployed (no longer the case), even the nicest person I could see the judgment across their face lol.
MissBee Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) I am transitioning, and spend more time having initial encounters with people (ex: first dates, speed dating, singles events, etc.) than building relationships. One reason is because I am beyond annoyed when a particular question is asked. I almost always quickly excuse myself after this question, having decided not to pursue anything further with them. Here is the question that makes my blood boil: "What do you do?" Four little words. That's it. But here is why it bothers me to be asked that up front. I am very non-materialistic, bargain shopper, couponer, avoid debt as much as possible, and care more about personality than looks. I'd rather spend time discussing hobbies, current events, or get to know WHO the person is inside. I generally don't discuss career and industry until several meetings later. Furthermore, people change jobs and industries several times throughout life. Today's janitor might be in school part-time and be a doctor in five years or so. A female may be a teacher, but secretly dream of being a stay-at-home mom. So many people just have a "job", but it may not be their passion. Therefore, why does it matter what they "do" at the moment you meet them? Also, I intend on keeping my career whether I marry or not, but am very put-off when men ask me the above question. The same men often complain about females being "gold-diggers". SMH. Would this question bother anyone else? How do you respond to it? How could I re-frame my thinking so I am not so turned off by the question? Or perhaps I should move away from this metro area, which has a reputation for being focused on money, status, and appearance? Thanks. Work is a significant chunk of most adult people's lives and it would be darn weird to date someone and have no clue what they spend much of their time doing. I don't think asking what someone does is akin to asking how much money they have or make or necessarily tied to being someone who cares about money or status. It is a question like any other question that paints a picture of who this person is. I don't personally see why a person would avoid saying what they do for work but want to tell me all about their hobbies. You saying what you do doesn't mean it won't change or any other thing, it's simply a question to get to have an idea of who you are and what you spend your time doing and of course does also provide clues about income (all reasonable things one needs to know in dating or forming a commitment). However, I do get that if you feel where you live it's a coded question only about money and status why it bothers you, but I'd try to be open to it being more than that for some people or unrelated to that completely for some people and trying to read whether you're being asked for the reason you think or something else. Also, I imagine people who love what they do will be happy to talk about it while someone who hates what they do or feels insecure is more likely to be defensive about the question and get upset or avoid it, neither of these reactions are the other person's fault and also gives them a good idea about you based on your response. Edited April 13, 2015 by MissBee
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