HeartbrokenAmy Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I am 34 and my boyfriend for 5 years is 10 years older. He has to be with his parents every Sunday. We planned for a trip somewhere and always got cancelled because his parents want to go somewhere with him. He is very nice and sweet to me if we are alone. But when he is with his parents, he does not even pick up my phone calls. I tried to plan for our future together, but all he cares about is how to make his parents happy. He admitted that I will never be the most important person in his life until they die. Should I leave him? I love him very very much, but this is killing me :-(
Auspecial Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 That seems incredibly juvenile of him. If it were me, I would have to walk away from that. Thank goodness he has told you this from the start and you didn't have to learn about it and be down about it "after" the marriage and children. He's also telling you he cannot or will not ever be there for you when you really need him. People tell you who they are. Its up to you to listen.
preraph Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 He's not a man as long as he's still letting his parents call the shots. Part of getting married is it's your duty to put your wife first at that point. I wouldn't get mixed up in that. I don't like coming in fourth.
Author HeartbrokenAmy Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 i know I should leave him, but the memoirs we have are killing me. I wish I can just delete the memories
Lostweekend Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I´m sorry you are feeling this way. The way I see it family IS important and he is obviously very close to them. That said, there are always ways to work around issues like this. I think you need to ask yourself some important questions. Apart from him giving them top priority, are there other things that are off in the relationship? Not putting your relationship down or anything but you have been in a relationship for 5 years. Is he saying that your relationship won´t move any further until his parents are gone, or do you talk about the future at all? I have to agree that he seems kind of "weak" in the sense that he is jeopardising his relationship with you because of his rigid loyalty to his parents. You should just spell it out! It´s not a matter of him having to choose you over his parents, like you or them, but unless he is willing and able to put you and your needs first as well, then perhaps the relationship isn´t going to work for you. I strongly believe that you need to focus on what is best for you and what you are willing to accept. If it´s hurting you and he does not budge, put yourself first and move on! Hopefully you will meet someone who treats you in a way that makes you feel happy and loved. I can´t for the life of me see why he can´t balance a relationship with you and his parents at the same time? How hard can it be? Sorry mum and dad. I am in a relationship and my girlfriend and I have plans on Saturday. Can we find another day etc. If he can´t do something that simple then I would suggest you spell it out to him! That you can´t live like that! 1
Author HeartbrokenAmy Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I know I should let him go, but just so hard for me. I try to plan for our future together, but he is only interested in pleasing his parents. I am not asking him to give up his parents at all. I only ask to have our own life and they are part of it. It proves that he is not willing to so I am letting go. I am! :-(
Lostweekend Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Are you absolutely sure it has to be that way and that you can´t work through it. Have you tried communicating it to him clearly that if this does not change you will end it? Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment and when our feelings are raw. Have you sat him down and spelled it out to him? That you aren´t trying to make him choose but that a,b and c needs to change? You are most probably very upset right now and understandably so, but it might be different if you put it simply and say that you feel his attachment to his parents seems a bit over the top and that you have invested 5 years in this relationship. If he feels that it has to be you or them, then it just won´t work out for you. Stay focused on you, your needs, and what you can and cannot live with. Once you have spelled it out, tell him you need some time alone to think things through. So far he seems to dictate what happens in your relationship. Perhaps it´s time you turned the tables and made him realise that you also have limits to what you can manage and not. Not saying you haven´t tried this but take a step back and let in "stew" in it a little. I really hope it works out for you!!
Author HeartbrokenAmy Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Thank you very much for your advice Lostweekend! I think I will stay away from him and see what I really want for my life. He does not care about me anyway.
LoverOfDance Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Wow, tbh I really don't think you should leave him. I kind of understand where he is coming from. I would never put any "lover" above my family. Some ppl are just like this. Family will always come first for some ppl no matter what. I would never put any "lover" above my family because they are the most important ppl to me in this world. They will NEVER EVER break up with me or leave me and I can guarantee that. A lover on the other hand, I can't guarantee how long they will be in my life or how long they will love me for. I think he definitely needs to give you more of his time and attention and you need to really sit him down and let him know that if he does not pay more attention and put more effort into your relationship, you are leaving. However, I do not think you should ask him to put you above his family. I think if he really LOVES you, you should be just as important as his family, not more important or less important than them. You should be a part of his family.
Author HeartbrokenAmy Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Hello LoverOfDance, I understand what you mean. But the problem is if we really love each other, we should work on building our future together and his parents are part of our life. Not the purpose of our relationship is to please his parents. I really really love him, but I've decided to let go. Tell you a story, there was a time his dad thought that I said he is fat which my boyfriend knows that I would never say things like that and I did not. But instead of telling his dad I did not or would not say that, he asked me to do or say something to make his dad happy. His dad can think of anything he wants anytime and I have to make sure he is happy the rest of my life? I am not able to and I am not willing to. I hate myself for taking 5 years to realize that. :-( 1
LoverOfDance Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 @HeartBrokenAmy I see what you're saying Amy. It is not your job to make his dad happy and you shouldn't have to be worrying about that. You seem unhappy in the relationship so maybe it might be best to move on. Really sorry you're experiencing this. I know it's not easy to break up with someone you've been with for that long. Don't worry, everything will be alright. Be strong. We are always here if you need to talk.
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