Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

[Fugu]

I understand that he drinks, but he's a good father, good person, he does his part around the house, has kept his job for decades and is respected, no car accidents or other disruptions...

 

I'm not offering an opinion here, but I am wondering, what exactly is the problem in your marriage? Or maybe more to the point, how is his drinking a problem for you?

 

I have people like this in my family. My father was similar. Aside from a DUI or two, his drinking really never led to any major problems. He was irritating when he had been drinking. Ultimately he had to give it up. All of them have, I guess. Their bodies started reacting badly to the beer, and now they don't drink so much. Not sure about the long-term effects on their health.

 

These functional alcoholic types... I wonder if drinking is a habit, like comfort food. Maybe not so much of an addiction, just a habit that is encouraged because it's a part of the routine in a life that doesn't change much from year to year.

 

I know I'm responding late, but I feel that what you've described could probably apply to me. I've evolved into what would probably be described by most as a 'heavy' drinker. I consume anywhere from 1-5 drinks in the evening, though oddly enough, last night I had absolutely zero booze. Still, I know I drink more than the average person.

 

My wife jokes about it, saying stuff like "Oh my gawd, look at you, you alcoholic! LOL!" Though to be honest, I know it's one of those 'jokes' that's probably not really a joke. It's just how she's learned to deal with a habit she doesn't particularly like, but accepts.

 

I'm pretty much the same as the OP's husband. I drink, but I don't cause problems. I've not ended up in the hospital due to a fall in a drunken stupor, and in fact, I don't think I've ever been so drunk that I can't walk around straight. I've not ended up in jail and I generally avoid drinking if I know in advance that I'll be driving. I don't usually drink until after 6 p.m. unless I'm watching sports at a bar or something like that. Yes, I drink, and sometimes I drink a lot - but I don't cause problems.

 

I think that the OP just doesn't like the fact that her husband drinks. It's just something she doesn't like, a personal habit she doesn't like. Now, you *could* make an argument that alcohol hits the bank account - it does do that. But so do a lot of things that people do. Does the OP shop? Does the OP eat out at restaurants? Maybe the issue is one of money and not really alcohol? I don't know. But I agree with Johan's post. It doesn't seem to me like the consumption of alcohol in and of itself is causing harmful consequences, other than the fact that it's just something that the OP has never really accepted.

[Acacia98]

I think that the OP just doesn't like the fact that her husband drinks. It's just something she doesn't like, a personal habit she doesn't like. Now, you *could* make an argument that alcohol hits the bank account - it does do that. But so do a lot of things that people do. Does the OP shop? Does the OP eat out at restaurants? Maybe the issue is one of money and not really alcohol? I don't know. But I agree with Johan's post. It doesn't seem to me like the consumption of alcohol in and of itself is causing harmful consequences, other than the fact that it's just something that the OP has never really accepted.

 

Actually, the OP does talk about the negatives associated with the drinking. She says, "Once I stopped asking him to conduct himself a certain way, stopped hoping for normal companionship, etc., he's never been happier and there are no more fights! He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce. Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy."

 

In other words, she wants normal companionship, affection and friendship from her significant other. She implies that she doesn't get those things because he is perpetually drunk. Those things matter to her, so she is not thriving in the marriage.

 

I have dated a guy who was a functional alcoholic, and it was pretty similar to what she described. In my case, I got to see him sober as well as intoxicated. I much preferred him sober because he was emotionally present. We could talk about stuff and connect. We had emotional intimacy when he was sober. When he was drunk, that was no longer the case. He would also forget conversations that we'd had: important conversations, mind you. And then he'd deny that he'd said stuff that he had in fact said. It was frustrating.

 

I tried to talk to him about how different he was when he was drunk, but he insisted I just didn't like the fact that he drank. In reality, being drunk alters the way one behaves and feels, and that has implications for the way the person behaves in an intimate relationship. Obviously, the person doing the drinking can't take a step outside his/her body and observe the differences in his/her behavior. So he/she often has an unrealistic view of the impact of his/her actions on loved ones. Denial is also a huge issue with folks who drink too much. So even if they are aware of problems/issues, they tend to play them down or deny that they exist...

[johan]

I know there are many functional alcoholics (or habitual drinkers) who have long marriages. I don't know how many.

 

The ones I know were really hard to be around when they had been drinking. None were violent or even angry drunks. They just changed into dumber, less sensitive, more emotional versions of their normal selves. Not so much like Dr. Jeckyll, but more like his annoying wanker cousin. You kind of wish he'd shut up or go to bed or something. Even better if he'd just sober up. All by themselves, the smell of the alcohol and the glassy eyes get so old.

 

The question in my fist post wasn't really meant to be a "what's your problem" challenge to the original poster. It was more like curiosity about what specific behavior pattern aside from the consumption itself that is such a problem. I'm sure if he was a habitual water drinker, she wouldn't have a problem. But it's alcohol and so it must be about what the alcohol turns him into.

 

Fugu, I guess I would encourage you to cut back, regardless of whether you judge there to be a problem or not. I'm glad you are functional and the alcohol isn't causing problems right now, but ultimately I think it's just better for you in general to break free from it. You're lucky you can control it, so maybe you should. It's worth considering whether the benefits are really so great in light of the costs you may not know about yet.

[anduina]

Alcoholism causes liver disease.

[Fugu]

I know there are many functional alcoholics (or habitual drinkers) who have long marriages. I don't know how many.

 

The ones I know were really hard to be around when they had been drinking. None were violent or even angry drunks. They just changed into dumber, less sensitive, more emotional versions of their normal selves. Not so much like Dr. Jeckyll, but more like his annoying wanker cousin. You kind of wish he'd shut up or go to bed or something. Even better if he'd just sober up. All by themselves, the smell of the alcohol and the glassy eyes get so old.

 

The question in my fist post wasn't really meant to be a "what's your problem" challenge to the original poster. It was more like curiosity about what specific behavior pattern aside from the consumption itself that is such a problem. I'm sure if he was a habitual water drinker, she wouldn't have a problem. But it's alcohol and so it must be about what the alcohol turns him into.

 

Fugu, I guess I would encourage you to cut back, regardless of whether you judge there to be a problem or not. I'm glad you are functional and the alcohol isn't causing problems right now, but ultimately I think it's just better for you in general to break free from it. You're lucky you can control it, so maybe you should. It's worth considering whether the benefits are really so great in light of the costs you may not know about yet.

 

NO, I WON'T CUT BACK!!! I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM -- YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!

 

AND ANOTHER THING, I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU --

 

Oh, wait...uhhh, er, um, yeah.

 

What was I saying again?

[Fugu]

Actually, the OP does talk about the negatives associated with the drinking. She says, "Once I stopped asking him to conduct himself a certain way, stopped hoping for normal companionship, etc., he's never been happier and there are no more fights! He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce. Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy."

 

In other words, she wants normal companionship, affection and friendship from her significant other. She implies that she doesn't get those things because he is perpetually drunk. Those things matter to her, so she is not thriving in the marriage.

 

I have dated a guy who was a functional alcoholic, and it was pretty similar to what she described. In my case, I got to see him sober as well as intoxicated. I much preferred him sober because he was emotionally present. We could talk about stuff and connect. We had emotional intimacy when he was sober. When he was drunk, that was no longer the case. He would also forget conversations that we'd had: important conversations, mind you. And then he'd deny that he'd said stuff that he had in fact said. It was frustrating.

 

I tried to talk to him about how different he was when he was drunk, but he insisted I just didn't like the fact that he drank. In reality, being drunk alters the way one behaves and feels, and that has implications for the way the person behaves in an intimate relationship. Obviously, the person doing the drinking can't take a step outside his/her body and observe the differences in his/her behavior. So he/she often has an unrealistic view of the impact of his/her actions on loved ones. Denial is also a huge issue with folks who drink too much. So even if they are aware of problems/issues, they tend to play them down or deny that they exist...

 

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Drink with your partner.

[Acacia98]

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Drink with your partner.

 

Not gonna happen. I would have been bored to death if I'd tried.

 

I chose the healthier route: breaking up. Now we're both happy...

[Acacia98]

They just changed into dumber, less sensitive, more emotional versions of their normal selves. Not so much like Dr. Jeckyll, but more like his annoying wanker cousin. You kind of wish he'd shut up or go to bed or something. Even better if he'd just sober up. All by themselves, the smell of the alcohol and the glassy eyes get so old.

 

Yep. You said it better than I could