My mom hates me because of my baby's father ? !

[Lala712]

Hey you guys I'm having s big problem in my life right now that I need advice on anyway here is some background information I'll try to keep it short lol. I knew my boyfriend for 6 years now and been best friends and decided to date our senior year of highschool when I was 17. We are both 20 and have a 2 year old daughter. I have a good full time job & I'm singing at shows for extra money on the side so I'm pretty busy. Anyway my boyfriend does not have a job but he's more like a stay at home dad with our daughter right now while I go to work and do shows. One of the best fathers I know till this day but he's not financially there. On our journey of dating I have done messed up things to him and he did it back to me. We were both young and dumb. On everything I love I know he loves me and I love him to death we learned so much about how to communicate and give each other what we need and learn how to cope with each other flaws. We both made mistakes and we are on a new chapter now so everything's different and we grown into better people. Anyway my mom hates him really hates him !! We had a rough year of back and fourth breaking up and stuff.

 

Okay so now to the problem. When I got pregnant at 17 by boyfriend my mom kicked me out for 3 months. I was living with his family while my boyfriend was 6hours away at college. He had to wait for the semester to be over in order to withdrawal. Any way those 3 months were horrible. My mom was texting me saying things like you are dead to me you are dirty and that my boyfriend is the N word since I'm Hispanic and he's black. She constantly bad mouthed him to me and took it out on me called me everything in the book. She said I was not her daughter and so fourth. Like that really hurt me and it still does to this day.

Anyway around Christmas she let me stay back home for good. But I could still feel the tension between us we had arguments non stop about how stupid I was for having a baby and with my boyfriend and that I ruined my life. She would also tell people that I was a horrible daughter that my brother is so much of s smarter and brighter child than I am. When I moved back home all my pictures were taken down of me and replaced with my 16 year old brother's picture .

 

Fast forward to when I had the baby my boyfriend moved back down and I would go over his house every weekend my mom tried to stop him from seeing his daughter she tried to tell me she's going to file for child support on him by her self and she would just say stupid stuff. When we go out places she would tell my friends that they are so smart and good for not having a child and that I made a huge mistake and blah blah blah. Just making me feel bad . Mind you I went to school for medical assistant and got a full time job making 15 dollars an hour at 20. I'm singing on the side and my boyfriend always watch her.

 

So just yesterday we had a blow out again. I told her that I let my boyfriend use my car while I was at work to take my daughter out since it was nice and to buy her diapers and food . She scorned me yelled at me called my boyfriend the n word again and she said why would I let my boyfriend use my car but not my brother and just stupid things to make me feel like I'm bad for doing that. She said that he's the worst person I'm dumb and a whore and don't do anything good in life. Mind you I practically have 2 jobs and taking care of my daughter paying for my own car and insurance paying rent to live with them & my phone and so fourth! I Lost so much weight being around her ! She judges everything I do and if I'm going somewhere with my daughter and boyfriend she almost always say something hurtful to me !

 

I'm sorry this was long but there is way more things that I haven't mention. she watch my daughter a lot when I have rehearsals after work and she loves my daughter to death ! But this bad mouthing to my baby's father is hurtful since my daughter is half of him & I love him with everything. She is still not over me getting pregnant and she's still really angry towards everything. And it's been 2 yrs after having my daughter. She refuse to see my baby's father she does not want him in the house she does not want him around our area period. It's annoying because there are times where he needs to get our daughter and I'm not at the house and she refuses to come out to see him.

 

We aren't able to move yet since I can't afford it right now and he's going too college again soon.

 

We both live with our parents so.

 

Anyway what should I do I have been going to therapy as well but there's no talking it out with her ! I tried writing letters and she's still holding a grudge towards me and my boyfriend and it's hurting me and my self worth .

 

How should I go about this ??

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, it sounds like you are more mature then your mother.

 

 

Do you have anywhere else to live, like with the father? I understand that he had to drop out of school & your not there financially but at this point, with a baby to support he needs to be doing something. Even flipping burgers would be helpful.

 

 

I realize he wants to finish college but that's not practical right now. Trade school or the military would be a better option. If he enlisted you would get housing, medical care, etc. He'd get $$ more for school.

[preraph]

I agree your mom is being a jerk for calling your man the n word. But when you got pregnant at 17 to a guy with no job and left her still putting a roof over your head and taking care of the baby, quite frankly, you derailed her life, so she has a right to be angry. Someone definitely should be filing for support on your baby'd father because he needs to be forced to support his own child. If he's not working, why is your mother having to do any babysitting at all?

 

I think your mom's racist comments are totally wrong, but her anger about everything else is justified. You need to move out into your own place and stop asking her for childcare too.

[salparadise]

This is so sad. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. First, you need to understand that your mom is an ignorant bigot. It would be hard to tolerate such withering shaming and criticism if she weren't related and you didn't care... but to have to live under a constant barrage of this toxic stuff from your mother... you need to get out asap before it destroys you completely. I don't care how unhappy she is about you having a mixed race baby, to do this to your own daughter is inexcusable.

 

The boyfriend needs to be holding up his end of this (now) by co parenting and providing for the child. If he's not willing to do it on his own then you may need to get court ordered child support. Just that simple. If your relationship is good and you're going to make a future with him then it should begin now- not in a few months or years when he gets around to it. You need a place to live and he should be helping with that one way or the other.

 

Focus on what you can change. You can't change your mother. She is toxic and probably will be from now on. You can choose not to give her a chance to do anymore damage that she's done already. You can't change what has already happened, but you can change some things in the present and set a new course for the future. You're going to need child care. Talk to your counselor about finding resources.

 

Education is the way to rise above this mess, but first you have to provide food and shelter and a peaceful, loving home for your child. Get the boyfriend on board or get court ordered child support. If you continue to raise this child around your mother he will grow up being ashamed of who he is, and that is the worse thing possible. So status quo is unacceptable.

Edited March 22, 2015 by salparadise