BigB Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I'm sorry dude, but your just asking for a slap across the face from girls if you try this crap. I'd probably kick your ass just for doing it to a girl I was friends with. I've broken noses for less. It's only slightly less creepy than the guys at parties that try to make out with the girls who've already passed out.
BigB Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by Sparky Before I do it, I'd just touch them in a appropriate spot (like the hips, hand, or arm), give them the chance to look at me and decide whether or not they want to dance. I'll ask if it's a person I've never danced this way before. What is so wrong about this? Also, this would probably be considered assault. (the touching)
TGC Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I'm with BigB. How do you know these girls don't have boyfriends anyway? You are 18. You say you do it to have fun and meet people. Havn't you heard of conversation? The girls might not have minded it before, but you are a grown adult, how do you think they will react when you start trying to seduce them? TGC
Author Sparky Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn What Otter said. Don't touch me. You don't know me. That's all there is to it. I just think this conversation is so weird. You asked "Why do girls get pissed off at me when I come dance up behind them." We said, "Because it is rude and bordering on sexual harrassment." You said "I don't believe you." Why don't you believe us, we're the women. Why else do you think those chicks are glaring at you? I never said that I didn't believe you. I DO believe you, and I know where you are going with this. But if I didn't know any better, I'd think everyone is thinking that I'm trying to rape these people. Okay, I can see touching someone who doesn't know you is creepy, and I've made that mistake before, but what I'm doing is similar to like a tap on the shoulder or arm to let them know who is there and get their attention. I'm sorry if I described it differently, but I'm not very good at explaining things. Would you guys consider it sexual harrassment if someone touched you on the shoulder to get your attention? Originally posted by TGC How do you know these girls don't have boyfriends anyway? TGC I don't. That's why I don't even do anything until I know. A lot of girls I've danced with have done this anyway. I'll ask if I'm unsure. Originally posted by TGC how do you think they will react when you start trying to seduce them? TGC Seducing?? What are you talking about? That doesn't even cross my mind.
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Actually yes, in my workplace, you are not allowed to touch anyone without their permission. Period. If you tap them on teh shoulder, or even hug too much you can get in trouble with personnel.
analyzetheworld Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Ok, this is quite a strange thread - or at least it's turned into one in my book. Sparky, you started out by asking a question: These 3 are the only girls that have ever acted this way towards me. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE GIRLS! Are these girls just stuck-up-b*tches and think everyone is below them, or am I doing something wrong? Personally, I can't see what I'm doing wrong, and I don't care if these people hate me or roll of the face of the earth. I just want a bit of clarification as to why some girls are like this. Can anyone help me? Thanks a bunch in advance!!! And everyone on here has been unanimous in their response - basically that you are not being respectful towards these girls you are trying to grind without asking prior permission to do so. Everyone, both men and women on here have been in agreement that you are not treating these girls with the respect they deserve. Yet, you keep arguing with the very people whose opinion you asked for - thus, you seem to not be trying to get an answer for your problem, but rather to justify your actions to those who think what you are doing is not respectful. Instead of arguing with you, I'm going to take a different approach. Have you ever asked any of these potential "grind mates" if they mind if a stranger grinds with them from behind? I think that no matter what anyone says on here, you will stick to your own opinion; so, my suggestion is for you to do your own sort of survey at the clubs you frequent, and ask those girls (without grinding them after they say yes if they do - think of this as a business assignment of sorts - information gathering) the same question you have asked on here. If you get the same sort of responses from them, then you will know better if people on here are just not seeing it your way, or if you really are coming across as disrespectful towards women.
Author Sparky Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 *sigh* Okay, First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for posting their opinions. I never looked at it this way, and now I'm more aware of what this can do. I'm sorry if I've been stubborn, and I must confess that yes, it can be rude. But I kind of feel that no one is seeing this my way. Maybe I haven't been treating some of these women with the respect they expect, but I can't change the past. I'll just learn from this. This does make sense to me now why these girls might be mad at me. But what I don't understand is why couldn't they just politely refuse, like all the other girls, instead of holding an ugly grudge against me. Maybe they have been assualted like blind_otter, which I am sorry to hear, or have had too many bad experiences, or maybe just feel to strongly about it. Could I have just come across some wrong people at the wrong time? I'm not sticking to my own opinion. I'm just trying to get you guys to see this my way. One thing I can't really get my head around is what someone mentioned earlier about "not having the courage to say 'no'." How does that work? Originally posted by analyzetheworld Have you ever asked any of these potential "grind mates" if they mind if a stranger grinds with them from behind? No, it never occured to me, sorry.
HoldOn Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Hey Sparky, I am sure that no one meant to attack you. But being danced with by strangers is one my pet peeves! (BTW, I told my bf about this thread. He totally thought it was a joke and no guy would think it was okay. ) "not having the courage to say 'no'." I'll try to explain. I'm a girl, dancing with my friends in a very dark, very loud club. There are people all around and it's hard to move. Strange guy starts to dance with me and touch me. I want him to leave. What if I move away... what if he gets mad? And besides there's no where to go anyway, it's too crowded. I want to tell him to leave, but I have little self esteem and I don't want to "offend" anybody. And I don't want to cause a problem on the dance floor. So I just grit my teeth and hope he goes away. Maybe that helps... I know it's probably lame that a girl might not know how to say no, but it happens. I used to be like that, but now I can speak up for myself. So that's why I was thinking that the younger girls were not strong enough to say no, but now that the girls are getting older they are able to speak up for themselves. I am not saying you're a rapist or anything! Please don't take it that way. Not to be condescending, but you just didn't know any better. I know you said you "just" touch them on the hip or the arm... But that's still not entirely okay. Would you touch someone on the street? Why if a girl is dancing is it alright to touch her? I am just saying that you never know who is on the dance floor. Maybe she doesn't like to be touched. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Maybe she has a whole different concept of personal space. That's why you can just dance NEAR her, in her line of vision and get some visual or verbal cues from her, BEFORE you try to get closer. That's all. I hope this has been educational for you! Sorry about the turn of events on here...
Author Sparky Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 That's alright! Yes, this has been VERY educational for me. Through my experiences with this, I've never come across anyone who's just grit their teeth and prayed to god that I've gone away. If I noticed anything like this, I'll obviously stop. I guess we all just have our own perspectives of looking at these things. And yes, I do make sure that I'm in their vision first before getting closer. I'm just a risk-taker. You're probably going to find this really weird, but sometimes I feel like a wuss for needing to ask before taking action, considering it's always worked for me to just do it. I don't know why, maybe it's just pride.
HoldOn Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 I've never come across anyone who's just grit their teeth and prayed to god that I've gone away. well, you can't really tell because it's dark and you're behind her! And some guys are really drunk too... sometimes I feel like a wuss for needing to ask before taking action, I don't know why. We girls LOVE it when a guy asks permission. It's very gentlemanly! I still remember when my bf kissed me the first time and he asked permission. I thought it was so nice, I fell head over heels. I'm just a risk-taker. Yeah, watch out for Blind Otter or you'll have your face in the wall before you know it.
Author Sparky Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Yeah, watch out for Blind Otter or you'll have your face in the wall before you know it. Yeah, sure. No offence, blind_otter. When I met my first girlfriend, which was the same day I met her, I asked her if she didn't mind if I kissed her, and she said it was alright. I don't know why. We girls LOVE it when a guy asks permission. It's very gentlemanly! I still remember when my bf kissed me the first time and he asked permission. I thought it was so nice, I fell head over heels. Hmmm... interesting. I've been told that being too gentlemanly can really screw you over, or indicate that you are a big baby. I'll keep that in mind, thanks!
glitter_bug Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 hey sparky.. think of it this way...how would you feel if a GUY came up, danced behind you and grinded you? hmmm?? you COULD just step away from him, and politely decline...but I'm sure by then you would already feel offended or uncomfortable or creeped out. Like your personal space had been invaded. Granted this isn't too likely to happen at your high school dances, but still it might give you an idea of what this sort of unwanted attention feels like
Author Sparky Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by glitter_bug think of it this way...how would you feel if a GUY came up, danced behind you and grinded you? hmmm?? you COULD just step away from him, and politely decline...but I'm sure by then you would already feel offended or uncomfortable or creeped out. Like your personal space had been invaded. Granted this isn't too likely to happen at your high school dances, but still it might give you an idea of what this sort of unwanted attention feels like If I guy did this to me, then yes, I would feel uncomfortable, but now we're talking about homosexuality. I'm sure if everyone else would be even more uncomfortable if a person from the same sex went up and started grinding with them. But yes, it could happen.
HoldOn Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 You see, for women, the uncomfortableness level is the same, whether it is a man or woman dancing with us. Get it? A unwanted man grinding on us is THE SAME as an unwanted man grinding on you! You would feel offended even before you had the chance to say no.
Author Sparky Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Really? That seems kinda weird, but I can understand the feeling. It's just that I feel left out or missing out if I'm not part of the action. Don't get me wrong. I will respect their wishes, and won't touch anyone if they don't like it, but I just have a feeling that I can't ignore that just asks me "If they can do it, why can't you?" I guess it's the hormones kicking in!
HoldOn Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 "If they can do it, why can't you?" Because you know better and you are a gentleman.
Author Sparky Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Thanks, but I'll admit that I could be a lot better.
blue17 Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Hehe Sparky, interesting how it started off as 'grinding a girl from behind' to 'politely tapping them on the shoulder to see if they wanna dance'. Now although a polite tap on the shoulder from behind is cool (IMO) if you know the person, when it's from a stranger it might seem a little creepy for a lot of people. I know a lot of girls who will dance with pretty much any guy, provided that they are judge them not to be creeps or anything along those lines. However, if you approach a girl from behind she has NO CLUE who it is. You mention that you aren't gonna do anything harmful, and of course you won't, you seem like a good guy. But from her perspective, how does she know what you're gonna do? She doesn't know you, probably hasn't even seen your face...all the information she has to draw on is that you snuck up behind and want to grind her. There is really nothing from her perception that somehow judges you to be a 'good guy' or 'harmless'...at that moment. Although I have done the 'freak from behind' tactic on occasion, it was with girls who were good friends of mine or ones which I knew fairly well. I didn't really sneak up either and grind, you kinda say hi and then just continue on into the dance. I guess I just kind of assumed they would wanna dance as neither of us thought it was a big deal since we knew each other so well. I don't feel the need to 'ask permission' if i know the girl (maybe i'm wrong on this one tho, girls perspective wanted ). But with strangers, you have to make sure to be a little more cautious. One approach that I have used with some success, is to just simply say "hi" in a friendly way, perhaps introduce yourself/ask her what her name is, and then ask if she wants to dance. This gives the girl the opportunity to make up an excuse if needed, or if she wants to dance all she has to do is say 'sure' and you slide behind and do your thing. Asking her also builds a little rapport, and is a better way to meet people. It kind of gets a conversation going, and you can take it from there if you want to get to know the girl more. If not, you can just enjoy the dancing and have a good time. Anyways I think we've all learned from each others perspectives and experiences, and can learn a lot from this thread. I don't know why. We girls LOVE it when a guy asks permission. It's very gentlemanly! I still remember when my bf kissed me the first time and he asked permission. I thought it was so nice, I fell head over heels. lol you love it when guys ask for permission so that you feel in control (altho it is gentlemanly as well, you're right), which is understandable. I bet it is a nice ego boost when a guy is asking if he is allowed to kiss you, you must be on a pedestal I disagree with the advice of asking a girl for permission to kiss her, don't do it. It just gives her all the power. Kiss her when the moment is right, read her body language and how she is responding to you and you should be fine. Don't mean to hijack the thread (although the original question in the thread seems to be resolved), but one quick question I have is that I really only enjoy freaking a girl with her back facing me. The problem with that is if I'm approaching or talking to a girl...I am facing her. So if we start dancing, it's front to front which isn't nearly as fun as the other way (to me). Occasionally the girl turns around and does her thing, but that's not too often the case. Should I just be satisfied with that, or is there a way to kind of direct the girl to turn around? I don't wanna say like 'turn around' cuz I think that is a little too commanding, but if there is a more subtle way to take the lead i'm open for suggestions
Author Sparky Posted April 16, 2005 Author Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by blue17 I didn't really sneak up either and grind, you kinda say hi and then just continue on into the dance. I guess I just kind of assumed they would wanna dance as neither of us thought it was a big deal since we knew each other so well. I don't feel the need to 'ask permission' if i know the girl (maybe i'm wrong on this one tho, girls perspective wanted ). But with strangers, you have to make sure to be a little more cautious. One approach that I have used with some success, is to just simply say "hi" in a friendly way, perhaps introduce yourself/ask her what her name is, and then ask if she wants to dance. OH MY GOD!! We MUST share the same brain!!! This is exactly what I'm trying to say! I'm aware of this stuff, I just could never say it right. I can't thank you enough, blue17!!
Author Sparky Posted April 16, 2005 Author Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by blue17 Hehe Sparky, interesting how it started off as 'grinding a girl from behind' to 'politely tapping them on the shoulder to see if they wanna dance'. LOL! Yeah, I guess I kinda turned the story around quite a bit. Sorry about that everyone.
blue17 Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by Sparky OH MY GOD!! We MUST share the same brain!!! This is exactly what I'm trying to say! I'm aware of this stuff, I just could never say it right. I can't thank you enough, blue17!! Well, slightly different situations as you were using this technique on strangers who didn't know you, and I was using this for friends/girls I knew, so the results are different. But glad I could capture what you wanted to say.
Recommended Posts