tangerinetrees Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Good Morning group! I began seriously dating a really great guy almost 3 months ago and things have been going really well. we get along very well, enjoy each other's sense of humor, have had some really fun and adventurous dates, but have also very much enjoyed just hanging out together watching a movie on the couch. He has some of the best qualities I could ever hope to find in a human being: kindness, generosity, morality, etc. My question: I don't always feel like he asks me much about myself. I want to know all there is to know about him, but when I bring up these conversations, he sort of guides the conversation back to a lighter topic. Our conversations frequently seem to revolve around 'how was your day', 'work was this or that', etc. I am looking for a much deeper connection and I'm wondering if after almost 3 months, I should just give up and move on or should I stick with it and keep trying to move things to that deeper level? From the men in this group, is this a 'guy thing' to avoid these soulful conversations...am I reading too much into this? Any advice would be very much appreciated!
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Have you asked him those deeper questions? Try directing the conversation more.
Author tangerinetrees Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I have tried to ask some questions, but I could definitely try harder to guide the conversation. Historically, I have mostly dating much more dominant men who are maybe a little bit more passionate out the gate than he is, but those relationships all ended painfully, so I like that he is different from anyone I've ever dated. I guess I'm just learning still how to communicate with a man so different than what I'm used to and if I'm being honest, its really out of my comfort zone to push those really personal conversations. I am more comfortable with answering questions than askin them. I know that staying in your comfort zone never got anybody anywhere and I need to push myself. I think more than anything, I just want to know if his lack of deeper conversation might portray a lack of interest in me or maybe a lack of interest in developing a deeper connection. Or again, is this a sort of typical guy thing to keep it light?
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 If it's early he may want to keep it light. Also, most people aren't great conversationalists & are afraid of pushing too far / too hard. He asks about your day so that tells me he's trying / interested. Also if you are dating off type & you used to go for the dominant in your face type, his more laid back style is throwing you off. My husband is very quiet & I mis-read him constantly in the early days
Redhead14 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Good Morning group! I began seriously dating a really great guy almost 3 months ago and things have been going really well. we get along very well, enjoy each other's sense of humor, have had some really fun and adventurous dates, but have also very much enjoyed just hanging out together watching a movie on the couch. He has some of the best qualities I could ever hope to find in a human being: kindness, generosity, morality, etc. My question: I don't always feel like he asks me much about myself. I want to know all there is to know about him, but when I bring up these conversations, he sort of guides the conversation back to a lighter topic. Our conversations frequently seem to revolve around 'how was your day', 'work was this or that', etc. I am looking for a much deeper connection and I'm wondering if after almost 3 months, I should just give up and move on or should I stick with it and keep trying to move things to that deeper level? From the men in this group, is this a 'guy thing' to avoid these soulful conversations...am I reading too much into this? Any advice would be very much appreciated! It's hard to say, really, of course, everyone is different as to when they feel comfortable enough to share more deeply. At 3 months, usually, people do start to feel more comfortable with each other. But, I'll start with this question . . . Have you two had any conversations about what it is that each of you is looking for for yourselves in terms of your dating goals. If not, it would be important to do that. If he only wants a casual relationship, he will likely not get too deep with you. Have you two been intimate and, at least, declared exclusivity? If you two are on the same page about looking for a long-term relationship, and are exclusive, you could start to draw him out a little and observe his behavior. For instance, ask him a question about something in his past. If he shares something, share something about your past that is similar. Or just start telling him something interesting or fun from your past. When you talk about your experience, observe him. Does he seem attentive or bored and disinterested? If he's disinterested, something is up. If you two are exclusive, this is the period for exploring and evaluating each other in terms of compatibility, including communication styles in order to decide whether there is enough to move forward for a long-term, committed relationship. It's a little unusual for a man who is looking for a relationship not to want to know about a potential partner in some detail, otherwise, how can he/they make an informed decision about moving forward? You are kind of in the beginning of that exploration period, so give it a little more time. But, if you continue to feel that that part of your relationship is lacking, you might want to move on.
Author tangerinetrees Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Thank you for the responses! We have had the exclusivity talk and have been intimate. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. We are both divorced and have had some conversations about how our marriages went wrong, but all from my initiation. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is interested and cares about me. I am more concerned about whether or not he is ready/wants/is capable of the type of deeper connection that I want. Do you think it would be advisable to have a very frank and open conversation with him about how I'm feeling (we haven't really talked 'feelings' for each other yet, other than to say we are both happy with the progression of our relationship and enjoying getting to know one another) or would it be better to do as you have both suggested and try to draw him out conversationally first? He is self admittedly a 'shy guy' and definitely lacks some self confidence, so I don't want to make him uncomfortable or push him too much, but I'm honestly not ready to just give up yet either.
Redhead14 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Thank you for the responses! We have had the exclusivity talk and have been intimate. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. We are both divorced and have had some conversations about how our marriages went wrong, but all from my initiation. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is interested and cares about me. I am more concerned about whether or not he is ready/wants/is capable of the type of deeper connection that I want. Do you think it would be advisable to have a very frank and open conversation with him about how I'm feeling (we haven't really talked 'feelings' for each other yet, other than to say we are both happy with the progression of our relationship and enjoying getting to know one another) or would it be better to do as you have both suggested and try to draw him out conversationally first? He is self admittedly a 'shy guy' and definitely lacks some self confidence, so I don't want to make him uncomfortable or push him too much, but I'm honestly not ready to just give up yet either. Ok, if you're not ready to give up yet, then give it a little more time. Like I said it's just the beginning of the time when you and he are getting that comfortable. Continue to draw him out, gradually, and casually. Ask him about his relationship with his family and friends. His response to these types of questions will tell you a lot about him and his emotional availability. If he avoids that topic or indicates that he doesn't have a good relationship with them, that's a big clue. If he doesn't have many friends also, I'd begin to wonder about his emotional availability. I wouldn't ask too many, if any, at this point about his past relationships and why they ended. I'd save that for a little later. Explore his relationship with his mom, his dad, brothers and sisters, etc. One thing you could do is share something personal about yourself, not too personal, but something that shows you are being open with him, trusting him with something and creating the environment for open, honest, communication. Show him what you want from him. If he doesn't follow your lead, he may not be the one for you. And, don't open a conversation about feelings for each other yet. You should still be in the mode of managing emotions and expectations and not getting too invested in the relationship yet. You still don't know each other well enough to know that you are compatible enough to move to the next level and should be prepared for it to end. 2
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I was in the same boat as you. He would ask me deep questions, for instance, about why my ex and I broke up, and I'd go in to a five-minute soliloquy with details and flying gestures, then take a breath and say, "What about you?" He'd say, "Oh, she was the one that got away," and then smile and change the subject. This happened quite a few times and soon I learned to say, "You go first." Anyway, like Redhead said, I would NOT push for any discussion about feelings yet. Mirror his actions and don't give more info than he's giving to you. Otherwise you come across as pushy and unbearable. In time, if and when he feels comfortable, he will open up.
spiderowl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 He sounds a bit too superficial for me. I don't think I could cope with that for long, even from a nice guy. I'd need more depth in a relationship than that. It could be he's trying to keep it light, but I'd try and seek more depth, if I were you, to find out if it's there at all. 1
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