spiderowl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Sorry to hear you are worried and stressed over this. I can understand it must be dispiriting. There seems to be several factors involved: - she is becoming cold, colder than before - she goes out till all hours and you worry - she doesn't sound like she's in love with you - she spends all your money, if mainly indirectly (i.e. you spend it on her) - she doesn't want sex with you - you get very jealous and you appear to be very clingy It's hard to determine which came first: were you clingy and therefore she was turned off, or are you being like this because she is basically not in love with you and may be playing away and you have sensed this? Not wanting sex with you for months is a sign she is not attracted to you. I feel she has been going along for the ride, enjoying the attention and money spent on her, but now she is not interested. I'm sorry but I think you should get rid of this woman. She is giving you nothing, if the relationship is as you have described.
spiderowl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 This might sound screwed up but, shes texting(chatting online) me all day every day for 2 years, when we arent together in real life. So even thou we arent living together we are constantly in touch, and if i stop chatting back to her, she ll know something is wrong, since it has never been like it before. All i can do is increase the time i take to reply to her... Why are you concerned that she might know something is wrong? She might end the relationship anyway. It sounds like you do her bidding all the time. I don't think she would respect you like that, but take you for granted. I know it's a risk to change and you may lose her, but constantly trying to please someone is a bit pointless and it can be suffocating as if you have everything invested in her all the time. 2
Author markdavemark Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Why are you concerned that she might know something is wrong? She might end the relationship anyway. It sounds like you do her bidding all the time. I don't think she would respect you like that, but take you for granted. I know it's a risk to change and you may lose her, but constantly trying to please someone is a bit pointless and it can be suffocating as if you have everything invested in her all the time. Well I guess all of you people are right. I am too afraid of losing her and thats why I dont want to be mean or do anything that might endanger the relationship, but I guess I am not realizing I dont even have her now probably. I ll try to avoid chatting and focus on myself a bit, see how she reacts... As for her not being attracted to me and not wanting sex at all. I guess i have to keep quiet and leave it as it was until now...? Should i try to talk to her about everything once she wants to actually talk? Or what
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Well I guess all of you people are right. I am too afraid of losing her and thats why I dont want to be mean or do anything that might endanger the relationship, but I guess I am not realizing I dont even have her now probably. I ll try to avoid chatting and focus on myself a bit, see how she reacts... As for her not being attracted to me and not wanting sex at all. I guess i have to keep quiet and leave it as it was until now...? Should i try to talk to her about everything once she wants to actually talk? Or what What do you want? To remain in this limbo, or to have a mature conversation and decide for yourself that you will no longer be a doormat? She is 24 years old, for heaven's sake. If she can't handle a discussion like this with you, after 2 years of dating, she isn't long-term girlfriend material. You seem paralyzed by fear here, and unable to make a decision. Is this really the type of relationship you want? She won't even meet your parents. She is not committed to you. Do you not think you can meet someone else who would be happy to share her life with you? Because this girl isn't. 1
preraph Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Is she affectionate to you when not having sex. Does she like kissing you and holding hands and snuggling? 1
Author markdavemark Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Is she affectionate to you when not having sex. Does she like kissing you and holding hands and snuggling? At the beginning of the relationship - yes a lot. The last 5 months - never. Maybe kisses me once per 3 weeks, and when saying hi and goodbye of course we always kiss, which i think doesnt count. Once in an arguement I mentioned that she doesnt kiss me or hug me anymore, and she just got mad because it was normal that the passion would wear out with time, and that I acted like a little kid. I kiss her often and hug her often, but she never does. And when i kiss her shes complaining i am damaging her make up sometimes, as well as making faces and telling me not to pull her like that when i pull her near me to kiss her.... 97% of the times she doesnt return the kiss nor tries to kiss me. Thats just short 1 second kisses and if we talking about passionate long kisses, with tongue ect. it happens only during sex now - once per 3-4 months.
Author markdavemark Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 What do you want? To remain in this limbo, or to have a mature conversation and decide for yourself that you will no longer be a doormat? She is 24 years old, for heaven's sake. If she can't handle a discussion like this with you, after 2 years of dating, she isn't long-term girlfriend material. You seem paralyzed by fear here, and unable to make a decision. Is this really the type of relationship you want? She won't even meet your parents. She is not committed to you. Do you not think you can meet someone else who would be happy to share her life with you? Because this girl isn't. Well maybe its because I dont have any friends( at least none in the town where I live and with whom i can hang out) and she was the first person in my life who really meant something to me. I decided I will talk with her openly for everything the next occasion i get. As for her being committed to me, I guess i might be "blind", and maybe you are right she isnt...Otherwise I think its just normal to show off with your partner and be proud with him/her, which here doesnt seem to be the case. Thanks
lil_missy Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Dear op, I really feel for you, you seem like a lovely guy and here's my advice. You need to grow some self respect and love for yourself. Start valuing yourself and see your worth, start putting your wants and desires first as they are just as important as your girlfriends. From what you have described this relationship is completely unbalanced and everything is on your girlfriends terms. She is not attracted to you and falling out of love with you coz she can't respect you. A girl needs a man that can put her in her place, tell her no when it is not on and tell her how it needs to be done. Honestly I could never be in a relationship and respect a man that bows to my every demand esp if I'm being unreasonable as ur gf is. I know that you love her coz she is your first love. But honestly what is she bringing to the relationship? Sounds like not much. She is virtually not giving you any sex while you bend over backwards for her. You are bringing everything to the relationship and you need to know your worth. She is not going to find a guy that treats her as good as you do once your gone. And she will not know how to contribute to a relationship as she has never done it before. Trust me you have more value than her and you just have to see that. What you need to do is tell her you are not ok with this sex situation and if she doesn't change you are done. Plain and simple. You are not getting your needs met and being bluntly disrespected in this relationship. I would give her one chance to change, lay your terms on the table. If she refuses then walk away. She is ungrateful and you will come to see totally unworthy of this heartache. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I know you care about her but you need to end the relationship right now. Forget manipulative macho ploys to win back her respect. DTMFA. Sex once in 4-5 months? DTMFA. Out clubbing without you? She's probably got a piece on the side already. She's probably saying malicious stuff about you behind your back. Cut off money. Cut off emotional support. Go NC on this immature emasculating woman. Do it. For your own self-respect. And the respect of the relationship. It's only going to get uglier. Stay plugged into LS. Let us be your crutch through this. 1
Author markdavemark Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Dear op, I really feel for you, you seem like a lovely guy and here's my advice. You need to grow some self respect and love for yourself. Start valuing yourself and see your worth, start putting your wants and desires first as they are just as important as your girlfriends. From what you have described this relationship is completely unbalanced and everything is on your girlfriends terms. She is not attracted to you and falling out of love with you coz she can't respect you. A girl needs a man that can put her in her place, tell her no when it is not on and tell her how it needs to be done. Honestly I could never be in a relationship and respect a man that bows to my every demand esp if I'm being unreasonable as ur gf is. I know that you love her coz she is your first love. But honestly what is she bringing to the relationship? Sounds like not much. She is virtually not giving you any sex while you bend over backwards for her. You are bringing everything to the relationship and you need to know your worth. She is not going to find a guy that treats her as good as you do once your gone. And she will not know how to contribute to a relationship as she has never done it before. Trust me you have more value than her and you just have to see that. What you need to do is tell her you are not ok with this sex situation and if she doesn't change you are done. Plain and simple. You are not getting your needs met and being bluntly disrespected in this relationship. I would give her one chance to change, lay your terms on the table. If she refuses then walk away. She is ungrateful and you will come to see totally unworthy of this heartache. Thank you. Its not just about the sex, I dont love her just because of sex, and proof for that is being with her for 2 years almost without sex. I got so worried because she never respected the things i do for her and now even started complaining about them instead of being a bit grateful. I do everything for her: get cold to warm her up, help her with cooking(when we are together alone), open her car doors, put her jacket on, making sure shes always comfortable, ect. Yes i treat her like some princess. And its not like I never said no to her, but i never did anything she didnt like, I didnt want to play some macho man in front of her(i think thats easy and everybody can do it). Being nice and caring and respectful is something I thought i should be for the one i love. However the reason i posted is, I wanted to see if maybe i am wrong and should change myself. So you are suggesting to change myself and not be so soft anymore and tell her about the sex and everything else I dont like, or stay as I am and tell her everything? Or a third option?
Author markdavemark Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I know you care about her but you need to end the relationship right now. Forget manipulative macho ploys to win back her respect. DTMFA. Sex once in 4-5 months? DTMFA. Out clubbing without you? She's probably got a piece on the side already. She's probably saying malicious stuff about you behind your back. Cut off money. Cut off emotional support. Go NC on this immature emasculating woman. Do it. For your own self-respect. And the respect of the relationship. It's only going to get uglier. Stay plugged into LS. Let us be your crutch through this. Thank you for your support. Probably sounds crazy staying a relationship like this, but I never told her anything and wouldn't it be unfair to her to just cut it like that. Since everything seemed perfect in the past 2 years, we had only 2 or 3 arguments total in 2 years. And about the clubbing- shes going out only when she is in her parents town, where i have never been invited and I dont know anybody, and says its just normal because all the people go out there, and what would she do if she stayed home. (so its not a permanent problem, but it happens only when she visits her parents and lasts for around 10 days until she returns) And this of course takes me a huge ton of trust - her going out with people I dont know and in places i dont know and getting drunk ect.. but i still swallow it every time. Thank you.
SycamoreCircle Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I don't think you understand. You have not been front row attendant to the spectacle that is a woman in a soured relationship(and soured through her loss of respect). They are UGLY. U.G.L.Y.---U Get Lost, Yo! By cutting this woman off, by effectively blindsiding her, you regain your respect in the relationship. She doesn't want to communicate maturely her dissatisfaction in the relationship, then YOU END IT NOW. I'm telling you this is your only chance for getting her back. And it's slim at that. As other people have pointed out, she's already checked out. She's just waiting on Chad Beaumont to invite her over to listen to some records. If she hasn't been over to Chad's already. She probably resents you because no guy has tried to bed her yet. Seriously, man. You're a nice guy but get a clue. It's you against the clock. Don't contact her. If and when she does contact you, tell her it's over. Don't hash it out with her. Be to the point and unemotional. Sever all ties. Cry to us. Cry to close friends. The impact of that blow, coupled with you reevaluating your boundaries is the only thing that can get her immature butt in line.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) At the beginning of the relationship - yes a lot. The last 5 months - never. Maybe kisses me once per 3 weeks, and when saying hi and goodbye of course we always kiss, which i think doesnt count. Once in an arguement I mentioned that she doesnt kiss me or hug me anymore, and she just got mad because it was normal that the passion would wear out with time, and that I acted like a little kid. I kiss her often and hug her often, but she never does. And when i kiss her shes complaining i am damaging her make up sometimes, as well as making faces and telling me not to pull her like that when i pull her near me to kiss her.... 97% of the times she doesnt return the kiss nor tries to kiss me. Thats just short 1 second kisses and if we talking about passionate long kisses, with tongue ect. it happens only during sex now - once per 3-4 months. If she's been doing this for awhile now, why did you make it sound like a new development? I mean come on dude. If she is displaying this type of behavior, why are you putting so much effort into making her happy? A relationship is a two way process. The fact that she won't even return your affection when you initiate and has only had sex with you once in the last 3-4 months is pretty telling. Call her and tell her that you want to see her. Then when you get together, break up with her. Tell her that you have no desire to be with a woman that doesn't appreciate you and you're tired of being in something one sided. Edited March 22, 2015 by fitnessfan365
preraph Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Well, sorry to say it sounds like it just fizzled out for her. Women including myself are funny like that. Sexual attraction going away is sometimes the first sign to us that we're no longer "in love."
edgygirl Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Haven't read all the posts but she's obviously taking you for granted. She knows she's not treating you as you deserve, and still you stick by her and behave the way she wants you to behave. Women don't respect that. And then inevitably attraction diminishes. Find a way to make her understand she should NOT take you for granted. Stop being this nice when she is not being nice to you. I am a woman and I've been there in my 20s. I hate to say it but we do do these things. Put her in her place, and if she doesn't get it and keeps walking over you, you're out. If it's this bad now, imagine if you get married to her? Good luck, you seem like a good guy. But remember being a good guy doesn't imply having a woman do what she pleases without taking your feelings into consideration. You deserve better. Also, might be this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome
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