To the recently dumped

[ApexTitanium]

I'm sure mine still thinks about me only because I was her first love, first person she had sex with and first person she got engaged to. You don't just forget that stuff.

Butttt yeah she's prolly happy were broke up and a huge weight was lifted off her. Even though she talks to me a lot like we are friends. Prolly too scared to lose me completely.....or just too nice to cut me out and doesn't want to be mean...dunno.

[mightycpa]

Yeah......no. Sorry I don't agree. Just because I find someone else that I have met to be attractive doesn't mean I should act on it or throw away the relationship I am currently in. As far as having "strong feelings" for someone else the individual should looking at their current relationship and what is lacking in it. Because like I said....there is no guarantee the next relationship is going to work out either. Now.....if a person feels stuck or trapped in an unsatisfied relationship then its time to make a move because the relationship has failed....not because someone "might" be better or a better fit.

If I had a GF who had those types of feelings for someone else it does tell me that something is wrong/missing in our relationship. Two people should want to be together for "work" to happen and be successful. That I agree.

It's ok if you don't agree, but a couple of things you said are quite puzzling.

 

Just because I find someone else that I have met to be attractive

Maybe I misunderstood you. In your original post, did you mean attractive as in "pretty"?

because you become attracted to someone else

No, that has a different meaning, that's more than merely finding someone to be attractive, it means that you actually are attracted. Obviously, if there is just some mere flirting going on, then you should think twice about jumping ship because you think you've hit the jackpot. But you know what? Even in that circumstance, if you want to go, then go. You don't deserve what you've got. You know, getting a GF isn't difficult. Getting one that loves you and will treat you right isn't that hard either. Finding one like that who you want to be that way with too, well, that seems to be the tricky part.

 

there is no guarantee the next relationship is going to work out

So what? There is no guarantee that this one will work out, or the next one, or the one after that. You want a guarantee? Hook up with the ugliest, fattest chick on the planet with the worst personality. Take someone who can't get anybody else. That's as good a guarantee as you're going to get, and even then, she may not want you. There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with someone when you're attracted to someone else. This is true for both people.

 

If I had a GF who had those types of feelings for someone else it does tell me that something is wrong/missing in our relationship.

Yeah. It's called affection. Or maybe longevity. Either way, you get the understatement of the year award for that one.

 

Again, we don't have to agree, but I think the whole premise that you shouldn't leave your relationship simply because there's no guarantee that it will work out well for you is flawed. If nobody pursued relationships for that reason, there wouldn't be any. You pursue relationships with people because you like them better than the average person, and because you think there's something there. That you have had or are having that with someone already is immaterial. If you're feeling for someone new what you used to feel for the person you are now with, that should tell you something about both people.

 

Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. Who knows? What I do know is that if you really want that person, and you don't pursue them because you think you've got a sure thing on your hands, then a) you're kidding yourself, and b) you're you're denying yourself a chance at the very reason that love relationships exist. Fortune belongs to the bold. But playing it safe? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

Eventually, you'll probably feel trapped and isolated. I can't imagine anything lonelier than being here, and wanting to be there, and being expected to work at staying here anyway. Good luck with that.

 

It is interesting to understand others' perspectives on this very fundamental issue of belonging to something.

Edited March 23, 2015 by mightycpa

[SethDamien]

I more so...was only merely trying my best to point out "your character flaws", not so much defending your ex's position!

 

My "character flaws"? I have every right to be with someone who im happier with. I just didn't love her anymore plain and simple.

 

I stayed with my GF for a month because I tried to give our relationship a chance.

But I realized i was falling for the new girl more and more and i'm just keeping my GF out of guilt.

She deserved better.

 

Trust me buddy, I don't need to hear from anyone, and that means anyone, as to use something to motivate me to think about any "second thoughts"! Plus, say I were to give my ex-fiancé some second thoughts, I'll even go one better, say I were to give my ex-fiancé a "second chance".........wouldn't that "my business"? Do I really need to hear from someone about using their information about motivating me to use the information as a basis to not give anyone any second thoughts.

 

'buddy' your business is your own. You have free will and you don't HAVE to take my word for it. Nobody forced you to read this thread

 

No, if I want to give "second thoughts" or "second chances" that totally on me! If I want to break my 229 days of "no contact" right now, book a flight to Ohio, rent a car and make the short 1.5 mile drive from her airport to her front door and try to talk to her, that's on me! I don't need someones "insight" to try and stir thoughts within my mind about "do I" or "don't I" give someone any second thoughts.

 

If you don't want to move on, and keep hurting for the rest of your life, you're entitled to that.

 

nobody's forcing anything on you here. its totally "on you"

 

keep harboring that fear that your ex-fiance might be out dating someone else and are probably doing the same things you did--and more.

 

The sooner you come to terms with that, the better your life will be and the sooner you'll find peace.

 

Again, I'm so glad my breakup didn't include one of us already having someone new in our hip pockets before thing ended between us. Things are already difficult without any possible added guilt or shame knowing that either one of us already had someone waiting "on the side"! I'm not at all trying to pass judgment here, I'm simply saying in regards to my situation, I'm glad I can look at myself every day in the mirror and not have to worry about the prospects that I cheated. Or that I did her wrong by having romantic interests in another!

 

I look in the mirror and have no worries.

 

My ex had issues

 

She was childish. EVERYBODY has to know about her problem and everybody HAD to give her their sympathy.

 

she was shoving her religious beliefs down my throat. If she couldn't respect what I believe, then she has issues.

 

AND my GF was utterly insecure. She was texting and dated a guy i didn't know out of her insecurity. Afterwards, she begged for my forgiveness which i gave.

 

Then i met this girl who was WAY better than her. So finally, out of my infinite patience, tried to give the relationship one last chance. Turns out my ex wasnt willing to change. (and i was growing really fond of the new girl) So i dumped her.

[mightycpa]

I'm so glad my breakup didn't include one of us already having someone new in our hip pockets before thing ended between us. Things are already difficult without any possible added guilt or shame

I have to imagine that people who do this don't feel any guilt or shame whatsoever. As in ZERO. They are too busy enjoying themselves with their new love interest and who would feel bad about that? The person who gets left behind is merely an unavoidable casualty of circumstance. What is far more likely is that they don't want to rub it in your face, but at some point, they expect that you'll get used to the idea.

 

Fascinating thread.

[SethDamien]

Just because I find someone else that I have met to be attractive doesn't mean I should act on it or throw away the relationship I am currently in.

 

If your partner has fallen out of love because someone else caught their attention, there's nothing anyone can do about it. No amount of repair can fix the damage.

 

if a person feels stuck or trapped in an unsatisfied relationship then its time to make a move because the relationship has failed....not because someone "might" be better or a better fit.

 

If this rule really existed, then nobody should ever feel replaced or heartbroken. right?

 

You should tell that to the millions of dumpers who broke their ex's heart just because they found someone better than their ex.

[goldway90]

 

The reason i thought of saying this, is because it seems to

speed up my healing process after the "girl of my dreams"

dumped me after 3 years of being together. Now im in the

shoes of my previous ex and i could really say karma is sweet.

She's probably in bliss with this new guy she's seeing

that I never cross her mind.

 

 

You are looking for people to validate your feelings so you'd be at ease but deep down you want to know how's she doing and stuff.

Remember "The one that denies the inner self Flees into deception."

[mightycpa]

Now.....if a person feels stuck or trapped in an unsatisfied relationship then its time to make a move because the relationship has failed....not because someone "might" be better or a better fit.

You know, I missed this one first time around. Actually, I think that everybody gets to choose their own reasons for leaving. If somebody wants out because of how they feel about somebody else, then this is perfectly valid. If they figure out they want somebody with blue eyes, and yours are brown, then that is their prerogative. Who are we to judge? The person making the decision is the one that has to live with it, ultimately. Really, the reason only has to make sense to them. This is a basic personal freedom.

 

As to the wisdom of such a decision, I don't think you can make a rule. Sometimes it will be the best thing you ever did, sometimes it will be the worst, and most times it will be a wash. There's only one way to find out.

[SethDamien]

why are you people so obsessed about the FORGET thing?

 

You're simply out of their mind. They're too blissful with their new life without you that they have just forgotten about you.

 

They're not looking back, and they're certainly not guilty about leaving you. They left you with a reason that justifies their action.

 

They REMEMBER your relationship, unless they got hit by a truck and got amnesia.

 

They remember all the details. But they're simply too busy with their new life to care about it.

 

You're just a chapter in their life and they are opening a new leaf to write another chapter in which YOU DON'T BELONG.

 

PAST IS A GOOD PLACE TO VISIT BUT NOT A GOOD PLACE TO STAY...

 

so move on, if they dont care about you, then you shouldnt care about them either.

 

Begging for them will only make them see less in you.

 

If they do come back, good! if not, then this is the only way to go.

[SethDamien]

You are looking for people to validate your feelings so you'd be at ease

 

Im just sharing my piece of the cake, nobody's obliged to eat it.

 

but deep down you want to know how's she doing and stuff.

Remember "The one that denies the inner self Flees into deception."

 

yes, so what AM i denying exactly?

[SethDamien]

Fascinating thread.

 

stay tuned for more

 

seriously, more and more people love hearing stories of ex's coming back or anything that gives them a dash of hope for any chance of reconciliation.

 

I too would honestly feel better hearing that i "may" still be able win my ex back, if only there was a real formula, i wouldn't hesitate.

 

BUT its their decision and theirs alone whether they want you back or not. Nothing you can do will change their mind.

 

Once you detach yourself from your ex (even hope), It is then you'll see the biggest change in your life. Even if you haven't spoken in a long time, they'll know you're pulling away and they "may" want to contact you again. OR you may find yourself with someone else who will love you just as much--even more.

 

The law of detachment

 

"This law says that in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire. You give up your attachment to the result. This is a very powerful thing to do. The moment you relinquish your attachment to the result, combining one-pointed intention with detachment at the same time, you will have that which you desire. Anything you want can be acquired through detachment, because detachment is based on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self. Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. True wealth consciousness is the ability to have anything you want, anytime you want, and with least effort. To be grounded in this experience you have to be grounded in the wisdom of uncertainty. In this uncertainty you will find the freedom to create anything you want."

[minimariah]

I know you'll want to hear words of comfort, unfortunately, you wont find it here.

 

welp!

 

you pretty much got it right.

for me, telling me that my X might come back and suddenly realize that i'm the love of his life is NOT really comforting, not at all. i don't want a dude who is able to abandon me and hurt me that way, someone else can have him.

 

the truth is - people usually check out of their relationships loooong before they dump their partners. i must say, i rarely see Xs coming back to those they dumped. for a lot, the grass indeed IS greener and it happens much more than people would like to admit. and when they DO come back? it almost never actually lasts + they almost never come back for the right reasons. it's usually because they realized they won't get better than the X they dumped so instead of being alone - they try to get back in.

 

also - my personal advice... don't look for forever, we don't have forever. we only have now and what's in the moment. love... even if it doesn't last, it can still be true.

 

just because someone stopped loving you and dumped you, it doesn't mean that they never loved you at all or that their love for you wasn't true.

[AaronSG]

If you don't want to move on, and keep hurting for the rest of your life, you're entitled to that.

 

Who said anything here about the fact that I don't want to move on! Frankly, and being totally honest, I have done a great job in regards to "moving on"! My closest family members think I've made great strides in regards to moving on, most of them saying that they are beginning to see the "old me" return, kind of the "me" that I was before I got romantically involved with my ex-fiancé. My closest friends are hanging out with me more and more, most saying that they had to stay away from me for a while due to the fact that I was a bit manic compulsive about the breakup. But there back, telling me that they see improvements with me and like with family, they like the fact that they are starting to see the "old me" again! Also, if it's like anyone business here, but I'll go one further, my own 12 step Codependency Anonymous sponsor sees radical improvements and admits that he's seeing a whole lot of "moving on"! And you know, regardless of anyones words, at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, it basically just boils down to what I have to say.....and you know.....I'm doing just fine, I'm progressing nicely, I'm leaps and bounds better than I was 7.5 months ago, I have been able to learn from some of my mistakes and some of "my parts" that helped contribute to my breakup!

 

keep harboring that fear that your ex-fiance might be out dating someone else and are probably doing the same things you did--and more.

 

Frankly my friend, I honestly and personally hope that my ex-fiancé does indeed find someone out there, I she hasn't already, who might be a better fit for her than I was. After all, we're all entitled to have closeness and love in our lives, what would make my ex-fiancé an exception to the rule? If she's with another man, that's on her, that's her choice, and if by chance she is, and as you say "doing the things we did, and more" than so be it, I hope she's out there painting the town red with this guy or maybe gal! Just because it didn't work out between us shouldn't mean that she should be exempt, and on the other side of the same coin, it doesn't mean I'm exempt either!

 

The sooner you come to terms with that, the better your life will be and the sooner you'll find peace.

 

Well, pretty much sounds like I've "come to terms" if you will in regards to the fact that my ex-faince has moved on and could possibly be doing things romantically with someone new. We had our chance, we had our time with each other in the spot light, we had our chances to make things better, we had a chance to hold on ect. ect. ect. But at the end of the day, it just simply boils down to the fact that yeah, we loved each other, we cared for each other, we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other, but the simple facts that both of just weren't ready for it, to many issues, to many huge differences, to many "we were from different sides of the tracks"!

 

Simply put, go into your homes kitchen, walk up to the cabinet that contains the vegetable cooking oil. Take that cooking oil to the counter by the sink. go grab a small cereal bowl and while we're at it how about 1 table spoon measuring spoon. Now with that spoon pour that cooking into it and dump it into the bowl. Now I want you to walk to the kitchen sink, with the same spoon pour in some water. Now take that spoon topped off with the water over to the bowl, pour it in! Instantly you should see the reaction! Do these two very different chemicals blend well together? You should already begin to see the "dividing line" between the two substances. The area where there close to each other but not blending or mixing at all.

 

The "oil & water" example was what we were! We tried, we really did, as an example why not reach into the drawer that has the wire whisk in it. Take it out, and stand there for a couple minutes and whisk the oil and water together, stir it up real good, then stop, see what happened? The oil & water still have that dividing line between them. They didn't mix! We tried pulling out that "figurative whisk" and try to fix things by blending the hell out of us and seeing if we actually mixed. Talks, walks, day trips out of town, ocean adventures, mountain hikes, between the sheets romp sessions, more talks, more understandings........we tried whisking it real good, but in the end the "different sides of the tracks" just couldn't bring us totally together.

 

I wish her well, I really do!

 

She was childish. EVERYBODY has to know about her problem and everybody HAD to give her their sympathy.[/Quote]

 

Wow, I think we might have found some sort of "common ground" here! Seems like we might have had the same sort of person in our lives. I can identify with what you've said here. For some odd reason(s) my ex-fiancé was more than happy to advertise her problem(s), namely medical problems and expecting everyone around her to rush to her with a good amount of care, sympathy and empathy! Later in our relationship I noticed that some how growing up she appeared to have learned to "weaponize" her issues as to seek the "maximum" amount of attention and respect for her issues. Towards the middle and ending stages of our relationship, I was noticing that she perhaps was using her issues for her own tactical advantage.

 

Example:

 

If I complain to our friends long enough about the fact that my fibromyalgia is flaring up, maybe that will be enough to gain some sympathy as to secure a ride here and there and get me to where it is in town I want to go!

 

So I noticed that she wouldn't hesitate to advertise her personal issues and or medical problems to those who could possibly provide her a service of some sort.

 

she was shoving her religious beliefs down my throat. If she couldn't respect what I believe, then she has issues.[/Quote]

 

Wow, another thing I can identify with, we're 2 for 2 here....miracle! Remember my "oil & water" example.......bingo......the issue of religion was the biggest and hugest issue between us. This issues helped keep the "oil & water" from blending or mixing together really well. I'll open up here a little and divulge some of my personal life. I have been a devout practicer of zen Buddhism for approx. 5-6 years now. My ex-fiancé was devote follower of God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, a "born again Christian" if you will. Where she would pray to the exterior for her salvation and answers, I meditate towards the interior for understanding and answers. Where I might touch a large rock by the river banks and just be still and silent when feeling the energy! She, she might touch the same rock and jump back and say "wow, I just caught a witness off that rock, I had a vision that we can't drive anywhere in a car on this particular date! If we do God says we will get in an accident and die! Really? Babe, this same rock to me is at peace being by the waters edge and has good energy, I didn't pick up any "we will die" messages. Or the fact that I like to attend Temple and she wanted us to attend Church!

 

And a bit more personal information here, in a way, the religion issue was kind of our "down fall"! Especially when it came to her family, mainly her Father. Always calling on the phone or perhaps over a Skype video call, always telling her.........I just caught a "witness" off something, God says you two should be careful around this date, or around this type of situation, or around this type of person......"watch out"! And here's the kicker, in the end my ex-fiancé's very own Father starts to give his own Daughter the whole "I touched the family cross on the wall, God hit me with a divine message, he says Aaron will turn into a no good person, he might hurt or harm you, he will eventually be bad news, you must break it off with him and come back home and help out your Family"!

 

Needless to say that after the breakup, and from one of her own family members that the whole "touching the cross" thing was a load of crap! I was told that her Father knew exactly what to say to guarder the attention of his Daughter. Ans it was pointed out to me that her Father, as he did before I even meet them, still had his old and classic "money management" issues. Like, I know the rent of $700.00 is due tomorrow, but we're here at K-Mart and they got a nice flat screen TV on sale for $350.00 I'm going to buy it, even though that will make me short on the rent, oh well! This Family member and myself determined that he was going to do to her once again, as he always did before she flew off to be with me, and that was to vampire once again her monthly disability check. So the whole "touching the cross" thing and come back home and help the Family wasn't true! More like "let me get my hands on your money again to compensate for my poor money handling skills"!

 

AND my GF was utterly insecure.

 

Another thing I can identify with, my ex-fiancé had some insecurity issues! Always asking if she was "being okay", asking "am I acting like a normal wife", asking for off & on assurances from the people around here that "she was fine"! I don't know all the story and I'm not going to lie and say I do, but most of us here agree that some where between birth and the time that she came to live with me, someone or some people had done a number on my ex-fiancé in the area of self worth and personal value!

 

Then i met this girl who was WAY better than her.

 

Nothing like this has happened for me yet. But to tell you the truth, I choose to not use the words "better then she was", I choose to use the words "someone different than she was"! I'll always value and cherish the good things my ex-fiancé brought to the table. And tell you the truth, there was a whole lot of good, different and odd things she brought and I'll be lucky to perhaps one day meet another woman that might have a few of those attributes as my ex-fiancé. But I'm not looking to replace the hole in my heart with an identical clone, just perhaps "someone different"!

[SethDamien]

@AaronSG maybe we had the same ex!?

 

Thanks for your sharing your experience and insight though. We all have issues with our exes, thats why its the same for many, if not not all, dumpers (including me).

 

They dump their exes in hopes of upgrading their standards which apparently lacked in the existing relationship.

 

I don't believe a couple, who truly loved each other, would let outside forces hinder their relationship either,

whether its distance, religion, etc...

So this, "circumstances wouldn't allow" is just another way to say "I don't love him/her enough to fight for it"

 

Be glad you been through you ex so you'll know what to look for in someone the next time you step into a relationship.

 

Its not so much to say im giving out advice to you or telling you what to do, but its also my way of reaffirming myself that these are the things i should really be telling myself too.