Obsessimgandscared Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 My husband was anxious and uptight ever since we were dating. He had many other good points so despite my reservations we married. We have been married for 17 years and have two children ages 11 and 15. I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years. 18 months ago my husband had a breakdown due to the stress of his job. I left the community that I loved and moved far away from my friends and family so he could pursue a new career that he would like and would be under less pressure. Unfortunately, the move made clear to me that we have a bad marriage. We cannot be in the same car or spend any amount of time together without bickering. He bores me and my depression in our new location is frustrating to him. We have tried counseling. Nothing changed. I am not in love. Unfortunately staying at home with my children has put me in a position where I cannot find a job that pays above minimum wage. I want to rebuild my independence but I am having a very hard time staying in an unhappy marriage. Moving out of our house on one income would be impossible right now. Can we make an agreement to live together but to spend less time together until divorce is feasible? I am at my wits end. I am seeing a counselor to help me but I am so unhappy. Please advice.
scatterd Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 If you want a divorce I suggest making plans to move out on your own because very few can do it right.Mine asked for divorce I asked him if he is sure he said yes.It has ended up being a nightmare for my Children Grandchildren and my self.He turned into a complete jerk that we cant wait to get rid of.You better be sure of what you ask for because you might not like it when your husband is just as sure.My ex to be has become a competed jerk.He thought he could speak to us anyway he wanted to,and when things are not the way he expects he has temper tantrums and so on.It would have been best if he planned better and moved out.We did not know this side of him I guess it ended up I wanted it after the pain he caused and now he can never fix the damage he caused.I hope you both are mature enough to do it and make sure this is what you want.Because it could bite you in the but.Marriage is up and down and you fall in and out of love but Divorce is forever Good Luck 1
Friskyone4u Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Obsess, Guessing your husband has some idea of your feelings since if you are SAHM he must be seeing the bills for the therapy. Just my opinions, but in house separations are pretty difficult, especially if you are the initiator and he is paying the overwhelming majority of the bills or all of them. in your situation, basically you are saying to him that you do not want to be married to him but you want him to accept an open marriage where you can date and do whatever you want and he will be your provider and baby sitter while you restructure your life. Now, if he is as unhappy in this marriage as you are, then the in house separation may work, but i do not most men are going to just peacefully accept their wives telling them its over but i just want you around because i can't support myself without you. See an attorney if possible because if your husband does not go for the deal you want, you will wind up divorced anyway once you start cheating since i assume you do not want to live celibate.
TwoTowns Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I am in the process of an in-house separation..which is working out far better for my stbxh than for me. Like you, I have been an at-home mom for years, although I operate a business from home too. I continue to do the bulk of the housework and hands-on parenting (school runs, activities, appointments, homework, etc.). He does continue to pay the mortgage and household expenses, BUT for the time being he doesn't have to worry about child support and possible alimony, or custody issues - so not much has changed for him at this point. He also has converted part of our large garage into a studio apartment for himself, so he sleeps out there and I spend most of my alone time in the master bedroom upstairs. I think for the person who does not want the divorce, an in-house separation can sometimes create false hope. The longer the separation goes on, the greater the hope that maybe the spouse who wants the divorce might change his or her mind. I think this has been the case with my stbxh. It's frustrating, because he only wants to stay married in order to maintain his financial stability and custody of the children - NOT because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. In fact, he would be perfectly content sleeping someplace else in perpetuity - without divorcing. He has not acknowledged his part in the demise of our marriage or offered to make any changes that would help improve our relationship. If I stayed with him, I would spend the rest of my life doing what I have always done - taking on full blame for any marital issues and walking on eggshells trying not to piss him off. Without having any true friendship or intimacy from my husband. This is not living to me. Most of the time we are cordial to each other, but any time he is reminded of the elephant in the room (being in the middle of a divorce) his demeanor changes and he is unpleasant to be around. He has been trying to keep his moods under control since our separation began, because he knows the alternative is for one of us to move out - which would be financially devastating. I feel trapped. I could leave sooner than later, but my longterm goal is to relocate to my home almost 1,000 miles away and chances are minimal that a move-away with my children would be allowed. He has already told me that he won't let me take them away, although when he retires in a few years and moves 3,000 miles away he will try to do just that. Most likely I will remain here until the divorce is final and retain occupancy rights to our home in order to save money and continue bringing in an income through my home-based business (which is licensed to this address). I drive home every few months to visit my loved ones, and this helps my sanity. It gives me a sense of freedom that I never had during my marriage. And it is a sort of 'prep' for my children, for the time to come when their parents are permanently apart. In my opinion, an in-house separation is a necessary evil for many families in our economy. The pluses for my family are the financial savings and the relative stability for our children. The downsides include the constant interaction with a stbx - which is exactly the opposite of what you should have to deal with during a separation. It's hard to even call it a 'separation' when you're still living under the same roof. I also feel extreme resentment at continuing to do EVERYTHING, while he primarily spends his recreational time in a recliner in front of the TV. Another reason why an in-house separation works for him. He continues to have a free nanny and housekeeper. If I left, there is no way he could manage school transport and everything else on his own. You can make it work if you have to. But make sure it is as authentic a separation as possible. Sleep in separate quarters, keep interaction as minimal as possible, don't socialize or shop or travel together. Good luck.
Jclements00 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I'm currently in the process of separating from my wife of almost three years. Not a long time but enough to make it hurt a lot at first. It's her decision as she's been unhappy and her drinking and nasty attitude pulled me away from paying her enough attention. She fails to see how it was her fault I pulled away and now she's not even attempting to fix anything just wants the marriage over. Anyway we still live together even sleep in the same bed. She told me a month ago she's done and I still have another 3-4 weeks till I can afford to move out and we both agree to keep things civil and have an easy divorce. We have no kids together no house or any possessions we live in an apartment and while hard at certain times it isn't too bad. We argue some over text but not much face to face and we try to just stay out of each other's way when possible. She isn't feeling bad about anything and I did for the first week or so but now I see I'm better off without her crazy self and will be able to actually save money and get the things I want since I won't support her and her kids anymore. You have to look at the bigger picture and see how better off you will be and the stress you won't deal with anymore. Your only concerns need to be yourself and your children. Good luck on everything I'm sure it'll all turn out for the best.
central Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I think in-house separation is a temporary solution, maybe for up to 6 months to allow time to figure out a more permanent solution. It prevents moving on in a meaningful way, and limits your options greatly, but is sometimes necessary when finances make it difficult to move out. Of course, after so many years you will get spousal support, but it may not be sufficient, depending on his income. You will probably need to find a job - even at minimum wage - to supplement this, and you will eventually need to get your own health insurance. We did in-house for about 5 months, but for other reasons than yours. I couldn't wait to get my own place and move on, but I stayed a while for her benefit.
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