Touga Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 I have a question that I haven't seen talked about very much: how vital to you feel intelectual compatibility is in a relationship? I'm asking because I'm worried about it being a problem between me and my significant other. We're both pretty talkative people (when in a comfortable situation,) her espicially. We're very open with each other and our feelings. Whenever we start having any kind of intellectual discussion (eg arts, politics, science, philosophy, etc.,) though, it always falls flat pretty quickly. We get some amount of back-and-forth, but (I feel like an ass for saying this) it sometimes feels like were talking and debating at different levels. It is a similiar problem when we get in group discussions with our friends. the chats get pretty lively,but whenever she steps in to make a comment, it is just usually a reiteration of something that had already been gone over five minutes ago. Its not like she is an unintellegent person. She's a very skilled and knowledgeable professional within her field. Its just that whenever we get into these kinds of discussions it worries me that she doesn't seem to have much to contribute Other then this problem, I feel that we are very compatible, and get along wonderfully. On the other hand, I worry that it may be a big issue, and that our conversations, intellectual or otherwise, would eventually run stale. What do you guys think? How vital is intellectual compatibility?
westernxer Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 How vital is it to you? Is this what attacts you to her?
alphamale Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Originally posted by Touga I have a question that I haven't seen talked about very much: how vital to you feel intelectual compatibility is in a relationship? out of all the "compatibilities", it is the most impt by far becasue it has longevity.
gridiron Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 A girl having the desire and ability to converse intelligently is a requirement. This means she can ask intelligent questions, provide fresh insights and comments on subjects even though she has no knowledge about it. Being knowledgeable/well-versed in subjects I am interested in, from having studied or read about them in the past, is definitely a plus, but not a requirement, especially in special topics I enjoy that may not be so mainstream. Since I like conversing about pretty much everything from politics, sports, philosophy, movies, as well as talking about "nothing" - Seinfeld topics, I prefer a girl who is well-rounded and can keep up with any topic despite not necessarily knowing all the facts or theories involved. Nor sure where your girl falls, but yes, it is a big factor for me, for a LTR anyway.
HokeyReligions Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 I dunno. I think a lot has to do with what people talk about and how interested they really are in the topic. Hubby & I used to comment that we were like Tim & Jill Taylor (from Home Improvement TV show) and he said he sometimes felt like he just wasn't as smart as me sometimes. But what it amounted to was that he would try to express opinions on topics that were more important to me, then they were to him. I appreciated that and demonstrated (quite well ) that he could talk circles around me on his favorite topics! Sometimes people try to express an opinion even when they really don't have one, just to participate in a conversation. I think we've all seen (and maybe done that too) here on this board! Sometimes people can have strong opinions and not have the same vocabulary to express themselves, but I don't think that's a mark of intelligence or intellectual capacity. I don't think that people who have extraordinary vocabularies are necessarily more intelligent or have greater intellectual capacity than anyone else either. I do think it is very important that couples can communicate well with each other, listening as well as expressing. If one is with someone whom they feel the need correct or expand upon I think that will cause problems for both partners.
somegirloutthere Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 I believe that intellectual compatibility is vital in a relationship, though it's not the critical component (chemistry is). In some ways, this is relevant because I'm incredibly drawn to guys who can hold an intellectual conversation with me (i.e. politics, science, etc) every now and again. I can be physically attracted to a guy, but I tend to lose my interest very quickly if the intellectual piece is missing. In fact, I recently met a cute guy but any initial interst I had in him evaporated so quickly because that that missing piece. You could tell a lot about people by they think they converse, and I need someone who can either complement/challenge the way I think. This is just my preference, so I really can't comment on your situation with your girlfriend. It sounds like you have a lot of good things going on in your relationship, so maybe you shouldn't worry as much?
Craig Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 You are very compatible and get along wonderfully with your SO, and you are worried about intellectual compatibility? Sounds like the picture of a happy couple in love. Why would you consider discarding love and happiness for the chance that you'll find another woman that will be your intellectual equal as well?
GladCastro Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Should validity hinge upon the outcome of word structures? Is the heart an etch a sketch in waiting for the write twists of dials to doodle a fancy enough set of squiggles? I don't know what the hell I'm getting at really.....just maybe that....maybe we sometimes let the gavel bang for reasons not so much having to do with true heart strings as vain standards of intellect. "Oh my, did she just say...oh dear, well we all know it was really..." It should be all about connection. I once knew a girl from the Phillipines. Her English was broken but functional. We never had much time together and primarily we had most of our dialogue by phone. We never discussed politics, art, or what would happen if cloning met cybernetics in the dark alley of socialism. We just...talked. She could make me laugh with a simple yes or no. For her to simply express a like or dislike, to me, was profound. Sure, ya don't get that everyday. It is not just around the corner. Maybe just once in a lifetime, but the point is, there is a state of two people being which totally transcends the color coordination of verbal lego blocks.
Fuzzy Chickens Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 It is everything. I'd propose to the first girl I met who agreed that Minesweeper is the greatest game ever.
sweetadeline Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 For some people, intellectual conversation is an important way to connect to their significant other. That doesn't have to mean that you sit around having abstract conversations, either. For me, intellectual compatibility simply means the ability to talk to each other about things beyond the day-to-day. Someone who can carry on a conversation about current events, movies, Minesweeper, etc. probably has interests beyond his/her relationship. And that suggests a degree of emotional self-reliance that is crucial to a healthy relationship.
Mr Spock Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 It may just not interest her. Not everyone is interested in holding discussions on fine art and politics, religion and shakespeare. You are an ass for saying it. Some people have WAY more fun discussing shoe styles than anything else. Or what flowers they've planted in their gardens. Some people discuss their kids, and that's it. (you know who you are) What does she like to talk about?
moimeme Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 It's an absolute must for me. I'm interested in what goes on in the external world as well as people's internal worlds and learning and I never tire of learning. Sharing those interests with a partner is vital to me. I'm seduced from the brain down; 'giving head' and 'mindf***' have different meanings for me You are an ass for saying it. Why does that make him an ass anymore than it would if he wanted his gf to share a love of sports or his religion or politics? Everyone is entitled to choose his list of 'must-haves' in terms of compatibility. That intellect is someone's 'must-have' is perfectly fine. Why is it OK to insist that a person be physically a stunner but not OK to require that someone be mentally proficient?
faux Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 For me, intellectual compatibility is essential. I see no point in staying with a person who cannot provide for stimulating conversation. Even worse is someone who cannot grasp what I say to her at certain times.
bluetuesday Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 intellectual compatibility is a huge part of the deal, for me. i'm smart. i need someone smart to argue with. physically, they can have a gammy leg, a squint and a hump. but if they 'get' me, they got me.
Mr Spock Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 He's an ass for saying she can't hold her own with him-on HIS terms. Not that he's an ass for wanting it. Looking at it all wrong Moimeme.
GirlDown Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 i have dated too many stupid men to not care anymore. if a conversation can't go anywhere, i'm done... i also find that a man who has something to say and knows what he is talking about is awfully sexy... you don't necessarily have to have your masters to be smart to me...i know plenty of people who are not college-educated and are brilliant in their own unique ways. sometimes, that is even more attractive...
moimeme Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 i also find that a man who has something to say and knows what he is talking about is awfully sexy... Word!
alphamale Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown i also find that a man who has something to say and knows what he is talking about is awfully sexy... these types of men generally are more successful overall and make more money. that is another factor that makes them more attractive to women.
meisje Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 I didn't read through all the replies, so this may have been brought up already... Have you asked HER about it? I agree that it's very important -- and also very stimulating because you want to be able to relate to you partner on as many different levels as you can. Maybe she just feels uncomfortable in such situations. Maybe she doesn't have the confidence to stand up with her opinions against a group of "intellectuals". That can be intimidating. It doesn't really have anything to do with confidence -- I am a confident person, but with some subject matter I just completely shut down because I either feel like I have nothing to say, or I feel less knowledgable than the other people in the conversation. Ask her if this is the case, and if it is that she is intimidated/undecided about such subject matter, maybe she just has to find an alternative way to participate. You don't need to contribute dumbfounding statements to a conversation to be an intellectual type. If she doesn't know much about it, then she should feel comfortable asking questions. She is then admitting that she's not an authority on the matter, but still takes a keen interest. I definitely do not think this is a problem over which to be letting her go... or at least not without trying to figure out why it happens. Talk to her about it, evaluate WHY she changes in these situations, and try to work with it. She may have some really interesting things to say, but just hasn't found a way to get them out!
moimeme Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 i also find that a man who has something to say and knows what he is talking about is awfully sexy... these types of men generally are more successful overall and make more money. that is another factor that makes them more attractive to women. Oh give it a rest. Many of us are actually capable of appreciating a man irrespective of his earning power or net worth. Whether you choose to believe it or not.
Adunaphel Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Have you tried talking about topics that are related to her field, or that she knows a lot about, or that she is interested in and that you know nothing/hardly anything about? Perhaps having a conversation where you could feel absolutely *not* on the same level as her would help? I mean, a conversation where you would think something like "wow, she knows *so* much about this, it's amazing. she's making me feel *so*ignorant". It is a similiar problem when we get in group discussions with our friends. the chats get pretty lively,but whenever she steps in to make a comment, it is just usually a reiteration of something that had already been gone over five minutes ago. Usually, when someone's only contribution to a discussion is a a reiteration, it is a sign that the person is feeling left out and/or unconfortable. Or that he/she is pretending to be interested for politeness's sake, but is actually bored to death. Whenever we start having any kind of intellectual discussion (eg arts, politics, science, philosophy, etc.,) though, it always falls flat pretty quickly. You said "we", but were you the one that actually got the conversation going? Isn't there any conversation topic that would interest both, instead of being interesting for you and boring for her or vice-versa? Don't you share *any*interest?
MySugaree Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Other then this problem, I feel that we are very compatible, and get along wonderfully. On the other hand, I worry that it may be a big issue, and that our conversations, intellectual or otherwise, would eventually run stale. What do you guys think? How vital is intellectual compatibility? All of these compatibility or "It's important to me, is it important to you?" Threads are more interesting than useful. Whether it's penis or breast size, religion, IQ, conversational skill, there will always be individual differences and expectation issues. The question that only the Thread starter can really answer is whether the OP's "deficient" attribute is a material factor in the relationship. If someone feels strongly enough about an OP's perceived "deficiency" to start a Thread, that's not a real good sign over the long term. Sometimes you realign expectations downwards, other times you don't. It all depends. What struck me is the statement of concern over conversations running stale. Marriage is one long conversation, and when it stops, the marriage stops soon thereafter. Do a thought experiment: 10 years later, can you imagine that this OP still engages you intellectually. Will you still find this person interesting? Or will you find another who "rocks your boat" conversationally. Good conversation is often about good connection, and when one is missing, so is the other. If you have doubts now, I'd exit.
Recommended Posts