He said he wants to wait...

[Ms_Alice]

Okay, so here's the deal..

I have been dating this guy for almost two years. I'm 25 and he's 28, he lives alone, we both have jobs.

After a year of relationship, the jokes and questions about marriage began, and I couldn't help but wonder about it. Some people said good things, like he wanted to, and others said he would string me along for a while. I didn't want to believe the second opinion, so I started to create some expectations.

I was a virgen; he was my first. My mom told me to wait, I wanted to wait, but I just gave in to his plead, obvioulsy waiting for something more serious in our relationship (my mistake).

I never really talked to him directly about marriage; gave a few hints and he never seemed fond of the idea of getting engaged. I put the subject aside, but, from time to time, that bothered me. But it started to bother me so much, that I kind of exploded. And said everything that was on my mind.

I said my desire: I want to get engaged, not to marry tomorrow, but to make a commitment and to feel he is commited to me. He said: "I won't get engaged now. It's not the right time. If I wasn't commited to you, I wouldn't be here"

When I asked why (almost in tears), he said he wants a steady life, he thinks people who get engaged should marry soon, and he doesn't think it's the right moment. Ok, fair enough, but I explained it to him that I don't want to marry right away, I want the commitment, I want time to plan things and I don't intend to rush things. I just think engagement means a promise: he chose me and I chose him. He disagreed and said there's no difference.

He once told me he wants to get married (not with me especifically), but wants to marry and have children eventually. And now, he won't tell me when it's this "right time" he said.

I feel sad and rejected. And a tiny bit humiliated, because I think I begged for it a bit too much. He didn't even consider.

I feel a bit odd about him. I still love him, but I'm not sure I'm the girl he wants. We've had fights and disagrements before and I'm wondering if that changed his mind.

I told him I respected his opinion, but he would have to give me space and time to accept that, because I feel overwhelmed and too close to him.

He said I'm treating him differently and bad; I said I just needed time, even though I'm not treating him badly.

And today, we went to a party, had another disagreement and he was all cold. When he found out I didn't want to go to his place and have sex after said party, he was all over me, with nice words and "I love you"s. But I didn't give in. He then asked if he was getting in my way, because if he was, he would get out of my life.

When he dropped me at my home, he was again cold. I can't help but think he puts up with my bull**** because we have sex.

I decided to not have sex with him. At least until I sort out my feelings. Or maybe until he makes a decision.

So, that's my doubt... Is it okay for me to do that? If he walks away, will it be my fault? Or he should respect my decision?

I'm just sad and confused right now...

Another things that confuse me even more: 1) His family lives in another city and from time to time he goes to visit them - I only went once. I asked why, he said, basically, he goes to see his parents and I would get in his way. 2) He doesn't like the idea of me working in one of the places he works. People ask me all the time why I don't, and he just gets angry about it. 3) I changed my profile picture on "whatsapp" once for a picture of both of us. He asked me to take it off. I asked him why I couldn't use or why he never used, he said he was ugly (but he uses a picture of him alone).

Any advice? Or opinions?

[Buddhist]

He is classically annoyed that you want commitment while evidently he doesn't. Sorry but he doesn't. If you feel at that point, while he is not and you aren't willing to hang in there any longer then you have to leave and start over. There is no other way. If you have been together for 2yrs and he's still not there yet it could be a long wait. Especially as he's reluctant to include you in family stuff, it seems like he's a long way off that kind of thing.

 

The fact that he doesn't want you involved in his life is the biggest indicator of where he is at. Not even wanting a pic of you two together? That does not look good. I'm sorry to break this to you but I think the chances of this one wanting to marry you are very low. He's showing all the signs of wanting to appear single while keeping you exclusive to himself and hidden. A guy who thinks of you as a life partner does not do that.

[Ms_Alice]

I know... I don't know if he changed his mind or if it was like this since the beggining...

But he confuses me so much! I have met his family and I do have a facebook with pictures of us together and he doesn't mind (even though he knows it's private for friends).

He said he still lives in my city because he wants to stay with me. He could've gone back to his city when he concluded his specialization (we're doctors).

So why, whyyyy, he doesn't want to get engaged?? Why not make the promise?

 

And about the sex thing, when I said I want a sexless relationship for a while, he joked about waiting for marriage at first, but seemed annoyed later. But I don't feel I should be having sex (which means a LOT to me) with someone who can't even commit to me as more than a boyfriend after so long.

[Buddhist]

So why, whyyyy, he doesn't want to get engaged?? Why not make the promise?

 

Because you are a sure thing right now. You have to understand that many men will hang onto a woman they have already decided is not wife material merely because the relationship is comfortable and convenient and they don't want to give up their source of regular sex. I'm sorry to put it that way, but please do not mistake simply taking no action to end things for growing commitment. One does not necessarily mean the other.

 

Many women are hurt when their long term partners suddenly run off and marry someone else, or get married very soon after their relationship ends. It's because they were never the wife the man saw himself with, they were a placeholder and as soon as the future wife turned up the men had no emotional investment in the old relationship. It happens so often it's scary.

 

The bottom line is, most men know early on in the relationship where they have mentally catalogued their current partner (one night stand, girlfriend, future wife). If you aren't there after 2yrs it's unlikely you will be there ever. Of course he's not going to outright tell you this because he knows you will end the relationship. So it's in his interests to allow you to believe that hanging in there might do the trick.

 

The reason why I don't think you are his future wife prospect has to do with how angry he gets when excluding you from important aspects of his life. It's almost like he's trying to maintain his single status to the outside world....so he's still got the feelers out for the future wife. Of course he doesn't care about you advertising your relationship to people who already know about it, what would be the point. But he specifically didn't want you advertising it to the wider world on whatsapp. Think about that.

 

People are self-interested. He clearly wants sex now while he waits for the future Mrs to show up. If this is incompatible with you then you know what yo need to do.

[Satu]

[katiegrl]

Because you are a sure thing right now. You have to understand that many men will hang onto a woman they have already decided is not wife material merely because the relationship is comfortable and convenient and they don't want to give up their source of regular sex. I'm sorry to put it that way, but please do not mistake simply taking no action to end things for growing commitment. One does not necessarily mean the other.

 

Many women are hurt when their long term partners suddenly run off and marry someone else, or get married very soon after their relationship ends. It's because they were never the wife the man saw himself with, they were a placeholder and as soon as the future wife turned up the men had no emotional investment in the old relationship. It happens so often it's scary.

 

The bottom line is, most men know early on in the relationship where they have mentally catalogued their current partner (one night stand, girlfriend, future wife). If you aren't there after 2yrs it's unlikely you will be there ever. Of course he's not going to outright tell you this because he knows you will end the relationship. So it's in his interests to allow you to believe that hanging in there might do the trick.

 

The reason why I don't think you are his future wife prospect has to do with how angry he gets when excluding you from important aspects of his life. It's almost like he's trying to maintain his single status to the outside world....so he's still got the feelers out for the future wife. Of course he doesn't care about you advertising your relationship to people who already know about it, what would be the point. But he specifically didn't want you advertising it to the wider world on whatsapp. Think about that.

 

People are self-interested. He clearly wants sex now while he waits for the future Mrs to show up. If this is incompatible with you then you know what yo need to do.

 

^^Wow great post..and very true! Not much more to add...except to Ms. Alice, listen to Buddhist here...she is right on..

[Ms_Alice]

Because you are a sure thing right now. You have to understand that many men will hang onto a woman they have already decided is not wife material merely because the relationship is comfortable and convenient and they don't want to give up their source of regular sex. I'm sorry to put it that way, but please do not mistake simply taking no action to end things for growing commitment. One does not necessarily mean the other.

 

Many women are hurt when their long term partners suddenly run off and marry someone else, or get married very soon after their relationship ends. It's because they were never the wife the man saw himself with, they were a placeholder and as soon as the future wife turned up the men had no emotional investment in the old relationship. It happens so often it's scary.

 

The bottom line is, most men know early on in the relationship where they have mentally catalogued their current partner (one night stand, girlfriend, future wife). If you aren't there after 2yrs it's unlikely you will be there ever. Of course he's not going to outright tell you this because he knows you will end the relationship. So it's in his interests to allow you to believe that hanging in there might do the trick.

 

The reason why I don't think you are his future wife prospect has to do with how angry he gets when excluding you from important aspects of his life. It's almost like he's trying to maintain his single status to the outside world....so he's still got the feelers out for the future wife. Of course he doesn't care about you advertising your relationship to people who already know about it, what would be the point. But he specifically didn't want you advertising it to the wider world on whatsapp. Think about that.

 

People are self-interested. He clearly wants sex now while he waits for the future Mrs to show up. If this is incompatible with you then you know what yo need to do.

 

I think you're right.

 

Well, then I'll make sure to ruin this one too for the next girl that comes in line.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Redhead14]

Okay, so here's the deal..

I have been dating this guy for almost two years. I'm 25 and he's 28, he lives alone, we both have jobs.

After a year of relationship, the jokes and questions about marriage began, and I couldn't help but wonder about it. Some people said good things, like he wanted to, and others said he would string me along for a while. I didn't want to believe the second opinion, so I started to create some expectations.

I was a virgen; he was my first. My mom told me to wait, I wanted to wait, but I just gave in to his plead, obvioulsy waiting for something more serious in our relationship (my mistake).

I never really talked to him directly about marriage; gave a few hints and he never seemed fond of the idea of getting engaged. I put the subject aside, but, from time to time, that bothered me. But it started to bother me so much, that I kind of exploded. And said everything that was on my mind.

I said my desire: I want to get engaged, not to marry tomorrow, but to make a commitment and to feel he is commited to me. He said: "I won't get engaged now. It's not the right time. If I wasn't commited to you, I wouldn't be here"

When I asked why (almost in tears), he said he wants a steady life, he thinks people who get engaged should marry soon, and he doesn't think it's the right moment. Ok, fair enough, but I explained it to him that I don't want to marry right away, I want the commitment, I want time to plan things and I don't intend to rush things. I just think engagement means a promise: he chose me and I chose him. He disagreed and said there's no difference.

He once told me he wants to get married (not with me especifically), but wants to marry and have children eventually. And now, he won't tell me when it's this "right time" he said.

I feel sad and rejected. And a tiny bit humiliated, because I think I begged for it a bit too much. He didn't even consider.

I feel a bit odd about him. I still love him, but I'm not sure I'm the girl he wants. We've had fights and disagrements before and I'm wondering if that changed his mind.

I told him I respected his opinion, but he would have to give me space and time to accept that, because I feel overwhelmed and too close to him.

He said I'm treating him differently and bad; I said I just needed time, even though I'm not treating him badly.

And today, we went to a party, had another disagreement and he was all cold. When he found out I didn't want to go to his place and have sex after said party, he was all over me, with nice words and "I love you"s. But I didn't give in. He then asked if he was getting in my way, because if he was, he would get out of my life.

When he dropped me at my home, he was again cold. I can't help but think he puts up with my bull**** because we have sex.

I decided to not have sex with him. At least until I sort out my feelings. Or maybe until he makes a decision.

So, that's my doubt... Is it okay for me to do that? If he walks away, will it be my fault? Or he should respect my decision?

I'm just sad and confused right now...

Another things that confuse me even more: 1) His family lives in another city and from time to time he goes to visit them - I only went once. I asked why, he said, basically, he goes to see his parents and I would get in his way. 2) He doesn't like the idea of me working in one of the places he works. People ask me all the time why I don't, and he just gets angry about it. 3) I changed my profile picture on "whatsapp" once for a picture of both of us. He asked me to take it off. I asked him why I couldn't use or why he never used, he said he was ugly (but he uses a picture of him alone).

Any advice? Or opinions?

 

There is a lot going on here. However, I wouldn't advocate telling him that you are taking sex off the table after a relationship has developed to the 2 year mark. Doing that creates the environment that you are using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation to pressure him into doing what you want him to do. That being said, though, you did express the concern that he puts up with BS from you because he wants sex. You may have ignored something early in the relationship -- "I wanted to wait, but I just gave in to his plead". He pressured you for sex early and you gave in to the pressure.

 

If you want some space and get some clarity about whether he just wants the sex. Hit the reset button. Continue to see him, but not so often. Start doing more things on your own and not be as available, atually be busy with other things in your life. Kinda hit the reset button, and go back to having "dates" so to speak. And, don't tell him you're taking sex off the table. If you don't want to have sex, simply remove the opportunity for it to happen for a while. Don't stay at his home. Tell him you have something to do that night or early in the morning. If he begins pressuring you for sex but not meeting your other needs in terms of a relationship, you'll know he just wants sex from you.

 

You will be pulling away, but be sure to keep things light between you. Don't push him anymore about the relationship. Be pleasant and respectful. If he senses that you are pulling away and is on any level afraid to lose you, he will pursue you again. But, be prepared for him to let you go. You've said a number of things above that indicate he may not. I.E. 1) "He then asked if he was getting in my way, because if he was, he would get out of my life", 2) His family lives in another city and from time to time he goes to visit them - I only went once. I asked why, he said, basically, he goes to see his parents and I would get in his way. 3) He doesn't like the idea of me working in one of the places he works. People ask me all the time why I don't, and he just gets angry about it. These are indicators that he is at least losing interest in a long-term relationship with you now.

 

Not wanting a woman to spend time with his family after they've been together for 2 years is a problem. Either they don't like you or he doesn't want you and them to get "attached" for some reason.

 

Not wanting you to work where he works, is a little gray. He may not want it because, well, some couples just can't work together. But, if he's angry about the idea, it may be he just doesn't want people to know he's in a committed relationship. Hard to say.

 

"I feel a bit odd about him. I still love him, but I'm not sure I'm the girl he wants". While you are taking some "space", I would start thinking about whether he's the guy YOU want. Is he meeting your needs as a woman in a relationship on the whole? Are you clinging to the relationship itself just to be in a relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

 

Observe his actions while taking the space. Let him demonstrate his interest and seriousness about you again. But be prepared to move on.

[katiegrl]

I think you're right.

 

Well, then I'll make sure to ruin this one too for the next girl that comes in line.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

What do you mean by "ruin this one too for the next girl..."?

 

Why not just walk away quietly and learn from the experience? A much more mature and classy thing to do.

 

The best revenge is NO revenge!

[writergal]

What do you mean by "ruin this one too for the next girl..."?

 

Why not just walk away quietly and learn from the experience? A much more mature and classy thing to do.

 

The best revenge is NO revenge!

 

I second this. If someone wrongs you, retaliation just perpetuates the conflict, not end it.

 

If you don't want to be with your boyfriend anymore now that you know he doesn't want to marry you, then the best choice for you to make, is to break up with him.

 

There is no point staying with a man who treats you like a placeholder. Once he shows you his true intentions, you need to ask yourself and him, "Should I stay or should I go now?"

 

So, OP. Do you want to stay or do you want to go now?

[Ms_Alice]

There is a lot going on here. However, I wouldn't advocate telling him that you are taking sex off the table after a relationship has developed to the 2 year mark. Doing that creates the environment that you are using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation to pressure him into doing what you want him to do. That being said, though, you did express the concern that he puts up with BS from you because he wants sex. You may have ignored something early in the relationship -- "I wanted to wait, but I just gave in to his plead". He pressured you for sex early and you gave in to the pressure.

 

If you want some space and get some clarity about whether he just wants the sex. Hit the reset button. Continue to see him, but not so often. Start doing more things on your own and not be as available, atually be busy with other things in your life. Kinda hit the reset button, and go back to having "dates" so to speak. And, don't tell him you're taking sex off the table. If you don't want to have sex, simply remove the opportunity for it to happen for a while. Don't stay at his home. Tell him you have something to do that night or early in the morning. If he begins pressuring you for sex but not meeting your other needs in terms of a relationship, you'll know he just wants sex from you.

 

You will be pulling away, but be sure to keep things light between you. Don't push him anymore about the relationship. Be pleasant and respectful. If he senses that you are pulling away and is on any level afraid to lose you, he will pursue you again. But, be prepared for him to let you go. You've said a number of things above that indicate he may not. I.E. 1) "He then asked if he was getting in my way, because if he was, he would get out of my life", 2) His family lives in another city and from time to time he goes to visit them - I only went once. I asked why, he said, basically, he goes to see his parents and I would get in his way. 3) He doesn't like the idea of me working in one of the places he works. People ask me all the time why I don't, and he just gets angry about it. These are indicators that he is at least losing interest in a long-term relationship with you now.

 

Not wanting a woman to spend time with his family after they've been together for 2 years is a problem. Either they don't like you or he doesn't want you and them to get "attached" for some reason.

 

Not wanting you to work where he works, is a little gray. He may not want it because, well, some couples just can't work together. But, if he's angry about the idea, it may be he just doesn't want people to know he's in a committed relationship. Hard to say.

 

"I feel a bit odd about him. I still love him, but I'm not sure I'm the girl he wants". While you are taking some "space", I would start thinking about whether he's the guy YOU want. Is he meeting your needs as a woman in a relationship on the whole? Are you clinging to the relationship itself just to be in a relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

 

Observe his actions while taking the space. Let him demonstrate his interest and seriousness about you again. But be prepared to move on.

 

I'm more willing to do that. Press the reset button.

I'm glad I talked to him about marriage. It was driving me crazy, the expectation/frustration process, but at least now I know what to expect.

I need to think things over and to see his real intentions.

I invested time, effort both physically and mentally in this relationship, but now I can relax. If I'm not the girl he wants, there's nothing I can do (that I didn't do already) that will change his mind.

 

So I'll stick in this relationship for a while, but now without the pressure of pleasing him and only him. I'll do it in my own terms. That way, I can have a sense of closure if it ends. I'm still too atached to him to end things now; it'll always stay in the back of my mind: "what if he was saying the truth?".

Anyway, sex is off the table. That's my term. I want to wait too. He has the right to wait for him to be ready, and so have I. And instead of playing mind games, I'm the kind of person who's straight foward.