PetaMyers Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 My husband and I have four children and had been married for nearly 10 years when he cheated on my with two of my "friends" in one night in my house when I was home. I kicked him out and quickly started a relationship with the husband of one of the women. This relationship continued until recently. My husband and I have spoken off and on about trying to reconcile and now my relationship with this other man is completely over I figure its going to be our best chance without my distraction. So two years and 4 months since he did the dirty 2 years since he moved out He's had a few girlfriends and I have had the one steady relationship There are trust issues that are still there Are we pipe dreaming we could make it work. Or is the fact we are both still looking back at eachother after all this time and relationships etc significant? Has anyone made it work after this significant period of time I have always struggled to give up on the idea of the nuclear family We are taking baby steps. Seeing eachother twice a week. Generally without the kids. But we've always had family lunxhes etc every now and then for the kids Aaargh. It's all so hard And my hurt for the other relationship I've had is fresh
EgoJoe Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 You guys need some time to be truly single and grieve.
Jimmyjackson Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 He cheats on you with your friend, so you get with your friends husband for revenge? sounds mature. 2
banana1522 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I kicked him out and quickly started a relationship with the husband of one of the women. ......... There are trust issues that are still there... Not trying to be judgemental or anything but that's pretty f***ed up.. First of all, you trying to 'get back' at your husband by cheating on him is not how you rebuild the nuclear family you say you are so fond of. And secondly why would you involve another married person into this whole mess?! From a moral perspective I don't see that you are any better than him even if he did instigate the cheating - two wrongs do not make one right. I would say you two need counselling if you're serious about getting the family back together. It's pretty obvious neither of you are mature enough to sort this out on your own. Sorry if that's a bit blunt but I think you need a reality check.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 He cheats on you with your friend, so you get with your friends husband for revenge? sounds mature. Sounds like it was coming..... 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Not trying to be judgemental or anything but that's pretty f***ed up.. First of all, you trying to 'get back' at your husband by cheating on him is not how you rebuild the nuclear family you say you are so fond of. And secondly why would you involve another married person into this whole mess?! From a moral perspective I don't see that you are any better than him even if he did instigate the cheating - two wrongs do not make one right. I would say you two need counselling if you're serious about getting the family back together. It's pretty obvious neither of you are mature enough to sort this out on your own. Sorry if that's a bit blunt but I think you need a reality check. Who said it was purely to "get back at"? She got into a relationship with the friend's husband after her husband and the friend cheated. That makes their relationship over. So what moral high ground do either her husband, her friend or anyone else have to come at her with. And clearly her husband, although hurt, can realize his own culpability there. "Two wrongs don't make a right." Frankly, if everyone was split up and consenting, that isn't really a "wrong" so much as a gray area. Sort of like the Shania Twain remarriage. It doesn't anywhere near sound like she did that for "revenge" but rather the two bonded over their mutual betrayal and were able to build upon it. In this situation, the new relationship did not pan out, and now she is going to see if she can rebuild her family with a now more contrite husband. Good for her. Most people just *****-can things and never look back. My main flag with this one is that her husband has had other girlfriendS during this time and may not have spent enough time reflecting on his blatant BS.
Auspecial Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I would think it would be nearly impossible given the nature of what he has done. 1. If he had the nerve to do that in your own house, it seems very likely that he had been doing it elsewhere as well, before. 2. The fact it was your own friend. 3. The fact that it was two of your friends. It looks like he has zero respect for you. He wasn't "just" cheating to get some physical or emotional need met, he was Dumping All Over You. Honestly, I don't see how this could be fixed. At this point its not just an issue of "trust," its more about "who is he?" 1
Author PetaMyers Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Thanks guys, Look the new relationship was certainly knee jerk. It wasn't revenge. It "just happened" which sounds so cliched. It has given me strength in some dark crappy times. This guy was so different to my husband so it was a really different relationship experience, which maybe served a purpose, to make me see a different way. I do worry about the respect. I do worry about the escalation that if he did it in my house it must have happened before. So does anyone have any times when it has worked. That a mutual willingness to try has resulted in success. We are seeing a counsellor and I can't help think she thinks we're wasting our time! I'm ok with that, I think I would regret not having tried. So I'm trying I'm scared of it failing again. I'm scared in every direction!
banana1522 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Who said it was purely to "get back at"? She got into a relationship with the friend's husband after her husband and the friend cheated. Fair enough, maybe I jumped the gun on that one. It sort of came across that way is though. Either way, I personally wouldn't even consider getting back with a person like that. The old adage 'once a cheater always a cheater' has been proven true on enough occasions. (he didn't just do it once either!) Once that trust is broken I don't think it can ever truly be brought back. Plus if they know they can cheat and still have you back all of their respect for you goes straight out the window, along with any love they had. Peta - Can I ask who has brought up reconciling most? You or him? With kids I can imagine it must be hard giving up on the father figure, but there might be better replacement step-fathers out there... Edited March 22, 2015 by banana1522
Author PetaMyers Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Look, neither of us brought it up for ages. We have always both treated eachother well in separation, been kind, no knock down drag out fights. About 18months after we separated I first broke up with the new guy and some of my friends got involved and told the husband that I had thoughts of reconcilliation. We started counselling sometime after that but I kept getting drawn back to this other man. Multiple times I had told the husband I was done with the new guy but then found myself back in contact (and sometimes more). I was honest about this with the husband and he still wanted me back. I am now fully out of contact (but undoubtedly still mourning this other relationship) and wanting to use the momentum to try. It's just hard to know where to step next Physical contact is a big stumbling block for me. Not him
Author PetaMyers Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 We both want to try though. Everytime the counsellor suggests we take a break from trying we both reject that idea. The want is there
Simon Phoenix Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 We both want to try though. Everytime the counsellor suggests we take a break from trying we both reject that idea. The want is there I also want to eat five pounds of bacon right now. It doesn't mean I should. My point is that wanting something isn't a good enough reason for it to happen and for it to work. What you want is a knee-jerk, unhealthy thing because you haven't put any effort in repairing the behaviors that caused both of you to cheat on each other. You both just jumped to new things. I think the both of you need to be single individually and continue to work on each other individually. 1
Author PetaMyers Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I'm not saying move back in together or anything. It's just two interactions a week at this time with a mutual idea of where it might end up. I think we need to develop the relationship slowly. Very slowly. I wonder if anyone has succeeded! It's so good to talk it out with people removed from the situation. I guess I need to ask him about how he's changed in counselling He has a reasonably slippery way about him. Like "I only cheated with one of them coz I only came in one". I guess I need him to own it much more than he does
Simon Phoenix Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I'm not saying move back in together or anything. It's just two interactions a week at this time with a mutual idea of where it might end up. I think we need to develop the relationship slowly. Very slowly. I wonder if anyone has succeeded! It's so good to talk it out with people removed from the situation. I guess I need to ask him about how he's changed in counselling He has a reasonably slippery way about him. Like "I only cheated with one of them coz I only came in one". I guess I need him to own it much more than he does Yet you want to get back with this person. Bad, bad, bad. I realize he's the father of your children, but he can still be that without being your husband. The man is "slippery" as you said -- that's hardly the formula for success. Sure people have succeeded. But those people generally worked on stuff by themselves first and spent time alone first. It doesn't sound like either of you have done this. Two times a week is still too much too soon. 1
hudson701 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 My husband and I have four children and had been married for nearly 10 years when he cheated on my with two of my "friends" in one night in my house when I was home. I kicked him out and quickly started a relationship with the husband of one of the women. This relationship continued until recently. My husband and I have spoken off and on about trying to reconcile and now my relationship with this other man is completely over I figure its going to be our best chance without my distraction. So two years and 4 months since he did the dirty 2 years since he moved out He's had a few girlfriends and I have had the one steady relationship There are trust issues that are still there Are we pipe dreaming we could make it work. Or is the fact we are both still looking back at eachother after all this time and relationships etc significant? Has anyone made it work after this significant period of time I have always struggled to give up on the idea of the nuclear family We are taking baby steps. Seeing eachother twice a week. Generally without the kids. But we've always had family lunxhes etc every now and then for the kids Aaargh. It's all so hard And my hurt for the other relationship I've had is fresh you couldn't make it up!
Author PetaMyers Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 you couldn't make it up! Lol. Don't I know it! I wish I were :-/
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