kurejutsu Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Oh boy, where to begin? I've known about my boyfriend's exes in brief, but I knew that his last ex cheated on him while they were long distance. I just thought, "wow, what a bitch!" and never really commented much about it. Recently though, I found out that his ex was 9 years younger than him. He was 25, she was 16. My mind is kind of blown. He told me he loved her in the year they were together, up until the point he found out she cheated. He never had any sexual intimacy with her (that was apparently a big reason why she cheated, because he didn't want to while she wasn't legal), and so she chose to screw someone else. In the aftermath, he cut off all contact and has not talked to her since. Recently, she reached out to their mutual friend to apologize and ask to be acquaintances with him again (the ****ing audacity of this girl). When the mutual friend told him about it, he was really pissed off, and said "if she wants to say something to me, she can say it to me herself" I don't want them talking at all. I don't know why I am so bothered by this. This guy loves me like crazy, and I am also madly in love with him, but I cannot seem to get over that he loved a teenage girl who cheated on him. I keep thinking "You had it coming! Why were you so dumb about this?!" Of course, I would never tell him this. I feel like a terrible person. I'm judging him for his past. He says he loved her, yet they were at different points in their lives (her in high school, him in graduate school), AND they were long distance. I have a feeling the reason why I am feeling so uneasy now is that he and i are long distance, and he told me he loved me fairly quickly. Is history repeating itself? I am never going to cheat on him, but is his judgement clear? Does he actually love me? I HATE myself for being like this right now. Leave the past in the past, right? Well get this: this girl is now applying for college and is coming to his graduate school for a summer program. He wants to avoid her like the plague, but I have a feeling she might try to look him up. I need serious help. Please help me feel like i'm not going crazy to be upset at this, or if i am really crazy, help me not to feel really upset and bothered by this. Thanks. 1
Buddhist Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I think you're misgivings are not without merit. When I read this my first thought was.... What's a 25yr old man doing hanging around a child? Because no matter how grown up we think we are at 16, the reality is, we are children. So lets assume no evil intent here and just look at the disparity in relative ages and then maturity level. If your boyfriend has the maturity of a 16yr old, at 25 that is cause for concern. And I suspect this is what's really bugging you. The other thing I picked up here is your vehemence against this girl. Why call her a bitch and express such a low opinion of her. She's a child, children do stupid things and she's a child with burgeoning sexual interest, of course she's going to want to express it. How frustrating for her to be with a guy who cannot legally explore her sexuality with her. It makes me wonder if these ill thoughts you are expressing come from the picture he has painted of her. If so, I wonder about the level of bitterness and hatred being expressed. Surely a guy of 25yrs old could see the writing on the wall there? Did he really expect a 16yr old to remain celebate and idolise him until she reached maturity? Is he angry that she gave her virginity to someone else? Did he think he had some claim upon it? The whole picture painted here points to someone with low levels of maturity who is typically acting out against the betrayal in child-like fashion. Perhaps that's what really bugging you. You expected him to know better and that's not an unrealistic expectation. Why did he drag all this drama into his relationship with you? It was in his past and it should have stayed there that is probably another source of frustration, the inability to completely focus on his now relationship. The one with you. 2
Author kurejutsu Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Hi Buddhist, thanks for your response. The problem here, is I AM the one who can't stop thinking about this. He is well over it, he doesn't want to talk about her, he says he just wants to focus on me. I think the reason why I am uneasy is: I wonder if he sees her as a child. All bitterness and hatred about this situation is coming from me. I call her a bitch because she cheated and had no remorse for it at the time. That's what he told me. She only reached out to him a year later (through the mutual friend) because she broke up with the guy she cheated on him with. I think that's pretty despicable. I have to add, that in my eyes, I THINK SHE'S A CHILD, and I am honestly not surprised she cheated. My concern over this is whether he saw her as an equal ADULT and cannot believe she cheated. I think if that were the case, I have doubts about his judgments, and I'm starting to question him and me. I am also not letting him know this is bothering me. He doesn't know that I'm upset, because I don't think I have a right to be upset about his past. Edited March 22, 2015 by kurejutsu 1
DazedandConfused8 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I don't know why I am so bothered by this. You're bothered by this because your boyfriend raped a minor and now you're dating a criminal.
Satu Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Orange flag. Getting involved with a 16 year old is ... weird.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 He was an adult dating a child. I'm sorry, I don't care what the age of consent is in your area. That isn't ok in my books and I would seriously question his maturity and judgment. I would not be able to maintain a relationship with someone who - at the age of 25 - found a teenager to date and then kept it up for an entire year. Yuck. 1
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