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Boyfriend has doubts about our relationship, but the reasons are absurt.

magicjelly1234

By magicjelly1234
in General Relationship Discussion

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magicjelly1234 Member

magicjelly1234

Posted
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Im 29 my boyfriend is 31. We've been together for a year. He hasn't said he loves me, which i wasn't really happy about bc it's been a year, so finally we had this talk.

 

We have different relationship experiences. Mine has been usually long term and healthy ones, and he is older than me but this is the first time he's had a long term mature relationship. His past relationships have been very bumpy with bad endings.

 

But ours is going well, tho it isn't perfect, he says he really likes the companionship we have, the connection, and he says we're a couple that are also best-friends. We laugh together, we do have similar interests when we do activities. But apparently, he says he sometimes feels it's going good and sometimes he has doubts. and he says one of the doubts is that since he is not really experience with the relationships, he's still figuring things out if he really wants to be with me in the long term. This kinda threw me off, bc i didn't think that he was having doubts. Thought things were good. I don't wanna marry him or anything now, and i don't know if he's THE ONE for me. But having doubts about our relationship ingeneral? didn't see this coming.

 

And one of the things that makes him doubt is that, we started as friends, and become bf and gf. so we did not have that initial "flame, spark", but it sort of just happened. And part of him has always imagined that an ideal relationship is where you meet someone, you feel attracted to that person, and you go out on dates, and you become a couple. But our relationship didn't have a smooth start, bc we were friends, and we had some ups and downs before officially coming gf and bf. but this reason to me seems so not legitimate and immature.

 

I am just very sad, and part of me is concerned, how long i need to wait for him to figure things out, and how long do i have to be in a relationship where he has doubts even tho for me things are going pretty well, his doubts just seem like an immature concern for me. I already told him this, we had a long talk, He listened to me well, and told me he appreciated the talk, Are my concerns legitimate? How long would you be able to wait until he "figures it out"?

 

I'd appreciate men' and women's opinion on this... Thanks guys

Edited by magicjelly1234
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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Well, thing is, IMO, it takes 1 1/2 to 2 years to find out if the person you are dating has what you're looking for.

 

Seeing that you two are coming upon a year mark, seems like decisions are being made as to what the RL is.

 

Now, I understand that you may not agree with your bf - but I'm not sure if you can call his reasons "absurd".

 

Yes, it is great that you two get along as friends and started off as such cuz a RL that starts off with people actually taking the time to get to know each other instead of sex, sex, and hornies sets a good base for when the couple decides to get intimate. That way before you have sex, you know whether or not you two are a match.

 

Problem is, a "balance" has to be stricken between not basing the RL on hornies and really taking time to get to know the other person.

 

I was watching a Dateline the other day and actually it was the girl in the RL who said she just didn't feel a "spark" for the guy - but they got along wonderfully. They considered themselves bf/gf but NEVER EVEN KISSED. And, she was getting ready to end it. They met in college and they had great times with them and she was quite smitten with him, so I just don't get how she never even kissed the dude :confused:

 

So, maybe that's the case with you two. You are great as friends, have things in common, but no romantic "spark".

 

Do you mind me asking if you two are intimate? And, I'm also curious as two what you consider "healthy" RLs that you claim you've had - which you claim are contrary to past RLs he had.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

Apparently he believes in this "soulmate" stuff, and doesn't think that "soulmate" is you but wants to "settle for you" as of now. No matter how long you two might stay together, don't ever marry this guy; if he feels bored after some time in the marriage and then suddenly gets interested in an oh so interesting co-worker... well, you know the rest. Then you'll be spammed with excuses like "It just happened" etc...

 

Sorry but this guy is simply no relationship material. He expects things to just be great on their own, not realizing that relationships need work. He's going to be pretty disappointed if he's looking for a relationship that doesn't develope out of the honeymoon phase eventually.

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magicjelly1234 Member

magicjelly1234

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We are physically intimate, the sex is great, and my bf also says he really enjoys the physical intimacy part, so it's not like we're not intimate in bed...

 

healthy meaning, you learn from each other, you are faithful to each other, and you treat the other person with respect.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
We are physically intimate, the sex is great, and my bf also says he really enjoys the physical intimacy part, so it's not like we're not intimate in bed...

 

healthy meaning, you learn from each other, you are faithful to each other, and you treat the other person with respect.

 

Ok, then what are his "doubts"?

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Apparently he believes in this "soulmate" stuff, and doesn't think that "soulmate" is you but wants to "settle for you" as of now. No matter how long you two might stay together, don't ever marry this guy; if he feels bored after some time in the marriage and then suddenly gets interested in an oh so interesting co-worker... well, you know the rest. Then you'll be spammed with excuses like "It just happened" etc...

 

Sorry but this guy is simply no relationship material. He expects things to just be great on their own, not realizing that relationships need work. He's going to be pretty disappointed if he's looking for a relationship that doesn't develope out of the honeymoon phase eventually.

 

Lol....

 

Woah, let's not beat up the dude...We still have yet to hear what these "doubts" are.

 

If everything is going swimmingly, then what are these "doubts"?

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magicjelly1234 Member

magicjelly1234

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maybe i wasn't clear, ok . it's not like he suddenly said he has doubts.

 

He hasn't said he loves me after a year so this issue was brought up, so i asked if he was happy in the relationship. I know i am. and i was expecting to hear the same. instead, he says

 

"hmm i'm not totally content, but i'm not discontent either".

 

I asked if he wanted to cease the relationship, and he bursted out crying even by the thought of us breaking up. He says he likes what we have, he see the good in it, and he doesn't wanna stop. but he is just not sure if i'm the one and he can't say he loves me. HE says he's not sure how long it'll take. that he has doubts if this relationship is the right one in a long term.

 

He's never said i love you to anyone, (he's now 30) for him it's such a strong feeling, and by the sound of it he can only say it when he knows if i'm the one) ( so i was like, dang, how many years would it take for him to say he loves me then???? how long can i wait till he is even sure to say he loves me?? how long should i put up with his "doubts?". I thought it was absurd. i'm not sure either if he's the one, but that doesn't stop me from expressing my love (of course i haven't said i love you either, since he's that hesitant). He has this characteristic of "overy worrying", "overy careful", and "overthinking". He's a type of person who sees a bird caught in a net at some random building, and feels guilty that he didn't do anything, and keeping thinking about the bird for days. just to give u an idea,,

 

The most bothersome doubt that he has is that he says, since our relationship didnt develop like a usual couple story where you meet a girl, you fall for her, you date her, and you become gf and bf, and he says his mature sides says that the excitement is not what's the most important thing in a relationship, but he says his immature side says "but should i still be feeling excitement, spark, and should our relationship have evolved like that as opposed to two friends becoming bf and gf".

 

do u understand my frustration here?

Edited by magicjelly1234
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
maybe i wasn't clear, ok . it's not like he suddenly said he has doubts.

 

He hasn't said he loves me after a year so this issue was brought up, so i asked if he was happy in the relationship. I know i am. and i was expecting to hear the same. instead, he says

 

"hmm i'm not totally content, but i'm not discontent either".

 

I asked if he wanted to cease the relationship, and he bursted out crying even by the thought of us breaking up. He says he likes what we have, he see the good in it, and he doesn't wanna stop. but he is just not sure if i'm the one and he can't say he loves me. HE says he's not sure how long it'll take. that he has doubts if this relationship is the right one in a long term.

 

He's never said i love you to anyone, (he's now 30) for him it's such a strong feeling, and by the sound of it he can only say it when he knows if i'm the one) ( so i was like, dang, how many years would it take for him to say he loves me then???? how long can i wait till he is even sure to say he loves me?? how long should i put up with his "doubts?". I thought it was absurd. i'm not sure either if he's the one, but that doesn't stop me from expressing my love (of course i haven't said i love you either, since he's that hesitant). He has this characteristic of "overy worrying", "overy careful", and "overthinking". He's a type of person who sees a bird caught in a net at some random building, and feels guilty that he didn't do anything, and keeping thinking about the bird for days. just to give u an idea,,

 

The most bothersome doubt that he has is that he says, since our relationship didnt develop like a usual couple story where you meet a girl, you fall for her, you date her, and you become gf and bf, and he says his mature sides says that the excitement is not what's the most important thing in a relationship, but he says his immature side says "but should i still be feeling excitement, spark, and should our relationship have evolved like that as opposed to two friends becoming bf and gf".

 

do u understand my frustration here?

 

My frustration is that either/both you and him are using a lot of generalizations here...

 

Well, I think you listed "one" doubt - which again is generalized response. I mean, what does "spark" mean to him? What does "excitement" mean to him?

 

Specifics are needed here....

 

For example, "sparks" in the bedroom to you might mean him just kissing you. Sparks to him might mean you meeting him at the doorstep in a bodystocking.

 

Get my drift? We need "specifics" here to understand what he believes he is not getting from you.

 

If he says he is also "not content" then list the things he's missing.

 

Now, if this is just a case of the "honeymoon" phase being over, then both of you need to realize that yeah, relationships get mundane, boring, routine. It takes both parties to communicate and make effort (i.e. set up a sexy date-nite) to drum up the "excitement", "sparks", etc.

 

Now, about how long it took him to say he "loves" you? I don't see a problem with him taking a year to say it to you. I've seen tooooo many people throw around the ILY so easily. And, they have no clue what love is. My fav podcaster considers love: "awe, admiration, respect"...you don't feel that for a person w/o taking the time to get to know them and IMO, a year sounds just about right to know if you feel "love" for someone. Too many people use the word "love" to define what is nothing but infatuation, hornies, obsessions, lust, emotions, honeymoon-phase.

TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

Posted
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If someone told me my concerns or doubts were "absurd", that alone would cause me to have immediate doubts about said relationship.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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hmm i'm not totally content, but i'm not discontent either".

 

And he hasn't said I love you yet. A year into the relationship.

 

Respectfully, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell him to figure it out and if he can't do it on his own then seek counseling.

 

Put a time limit on this. If he still feels the same way in 5-6 months at best, then you end it.

 

did you ask him why he wasn't totally content? Start having some real heart to hearts with him and be honest no matter what, even if it hurts to hear.

  • Like 5
badpenny Established Member

badpenny

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He hasn't said he loves you and it's been over a year.

 

You don't know if he's 'THE ONE' for you....

 

What a total waste of time.

 

I'm of the opinion that if a couple really click, then they're sure within a month or two of exclusive dating, that this is serious and going somewhere.

It sounds to me as if you're both tagging along for the ride until something better comes along, and that actually, you're more like Exclusive FWBs....

 

If I was in a relationship with someone and I really wasn't sure about my own commitment to the relationship, and was even less sure about his - I'm sorry, I'd knock it on the head, call it a day, say thank you and sayonara, and definitely not stay simply because it seems to have become more of a comfortable habit!

SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

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His past relationships have been very bumpy with bad endings.
What is the one constant in those badly ended relationships?
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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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OP,

I am just very sad, and part of me is concerned, how long i need to wait for him to figure things out, and how long do i have to be in a relationship where he has doubts even tho for me things are going pretty well, his doubts just seem like an immature concern for me.

 

It doesn't matter what his doubts are, the fact that he has them is the issue.

As others have said, I would put a time-limit on this and if he can't say ILY after another few months then I would bail.

 

You want a guy who is really into you and is enthusiastic about it. This guy sounds like he needs a ginger suppository. :rolleyes:

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regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

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You are what he needs but not what he wants.. Some people separate those two and he seems to be one of them.

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darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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immature?

 

was there ever a swishier put down? good for sounding bossy, so stop, he needs discussion not this

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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At some point we have to come to terms with life not turning out exactly how we imagined. So he has visions of grandeur with respect to what he thinks a relationship should be... lightening bolts and such. If I were in your shoes I'd tell him to get his fat ass off the fence. Sorry to say, but I'm afraid he's actually waiting for that other person to show up, and thinking it's just fine to bide his time with you while he waits. If I were you I'd shake things up.

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PinkInTheLimo Established Member

PinkInTheLimo

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I would break up with him. He simply is not in love with you. He appreciates you and your time together but it sounds as if his heart is not in it.

You are 29, there are a lot of other guys around and among them there will be one who is absolutely crazy about you.

 

If you are not crazy in love after 1 year, then how on earth will you feel after 10 years, when you have kids and a lot of routine?

 

How the relationships starts does not matter. You can be friends first and all of a sudden lightning strikes and you are totally in love. I knew my last partner for 2 months and liked him as a friend. And then one day - and we were not drunk - we were both hit by Cupido's arrow. Never been so in love with someone.

 

The thing is: you've got to fall in love at some point. Really deeply in love. That's the glue which will make your couple strong.

 

There are a lot of men who like to have a woman in their life because they don't like to be on their own, they like the company, the attention and the sex. But they don't really deeply care about this woman. And the older they get, the more often they do this. I recently met 2 men of my age (+/- 50) on a dating site and they both had had relationships of a year or more with women of who they said that they did not really felt deeply about. So be careful, sounds like your boyfriend is also the type who can be with a woman without caring too much.

PinkInTheLimo Established Member

PinkInTheLimo

Posted
Posted
If I was in a relationship with someone and I really wasn't sure about my own commitment to the relationship, and was even less sure about his - I'm sorry, I'd knock it on the head, call it a day, say thank you and sayonara, and definitely not stay simply because it seems to have become more of a comfortable habit!

 

I totally agree but you see, that's the thing with a considerable number of men: they lure a woman into such a situation and then remain vague about what is really going on.

 

I only see one remedy against this: make it very clear from the beginning that there will be no sex unless a real emotional connection is established. For example, I will not go to bed unless there has been an "I love you" and explicit commitment.

No 100% guarantee but I will not be afraid to rock the boat. I think it is the best way to filter out the "users".

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