Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) So me and the girl I've been going out with for about a month, have plans tomorrow (Sunday) night to grab dinner and come back for a movie (its about our 5th date). We talked on the phone back on Wednesday and made the plans. I just received a text from her today saying that she was wondering if it was OK if we could make a slight change of plans because she wants to watch a college basketball game -- we were going to meet around 6ish and the game is closer to 7, and it would mean we'd have to stay out and watch the game at a nearby bar because I don't have cable at my place (she suggested this also). Should I just ask to reschedule? I'm not really interested in watching the game, and I feel like it would take attention away from spending time together. I'm kind of annoyed she wants to change plans like this. Edited March 21, 2015 by barcode88
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 She doesn't want to have sex, she wants to go out and enjoy the evening doing something fun. Learn to be more flexible. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 She doesn't want to have sex, she wants to go out and enjoy the evening doing something fun. Learn to be more flexible. This. Read between the lines on this one, OP.
rester Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 It's March Madness this weekend. I'm not into watching basketball myself, but if I were in your situation I'd go and enjoy myself, and these games can be a lot of fun especially when you're with other people that are into it. Flexibility is a good thing. 1
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Ok I didn't explain properly, she's already stayed overnight once and we were at 2nd base, she said she didn't want to have sex yet and I said I was ok waiting. There is no implication there will be sex since she can't spend the night anyway tomorrow. So I should just be flexible?
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 barcode, please don't say you want to reschedule... that sends her the message that it's your way or the highway. The previous poster is correct... it's March Madness . And even though I am not a huge basketball fan either, my bf and I are heading out at 4:00 to watch the game (starts at 4:30 here). Assuming he gets home from work in time. Lots of comraderie... lots of fun! Can you head back to your place AFTER the game! 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I'm a firm believer that BOTH people should enjoy themselves on a date. If you have no interest in watching the game, I'd just re-schedule. You don't have to have a my way or the highway attitude. Just be honest and say that you're not really a basketball fan. Just let her know that you can do it some other time, and that you'll spend time with a friend of yours. 4
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 It's not about the game. It's about spending time together in a group setting, mingling and interacting with others....it's actually a great way to get to know someone better, seeing how they act in that type of social setting! Come on barcode, don't be a stick in the mud. . .it's Saturday night! Go out, spend time with her, meet new people... it's two hours! You can spend time alone with her after, right? 2
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Ok, I'm inclined to give it a go, I'm open to trying new things, and it could be fun. I know its March Madness so I'm not really writing it off as a red flag since its a big deal and I know she really likes basketball. 2
soyou Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 GO!!! You should try everything once in your life. Be flexible. Be spontaneous. Who knows, you may like it very much afterward. You may hate it afterward but at least you gave it a shot. Nobody wants to be with an uptight person who doesnt wanna try new things. Its not fun!
carhill Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 IMO, enjoy her company watching the game and don't be afraid to forward plans that come up which are of interest to you. If things work out, they do. If not, not. Regardless, social engagements are great opportunities to flex social muscles. This kind of stuff comes up in LTR's and M's so getting feet wet early in the game gives folks an inkling of what's ahead.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I agree with the posters that say for you to give it a go! When I had a date with a guy who absolutely wanted to go to an auto race because he's a fanatic about it (probably as much as your date is into b-ball), I didn't want to go because of the reasons you've stated - that it would be a distraction from spending time together and talking to each other - but, I gave it a go anyways. And what did I discover about that outing? That I was absolutely correct about it being a distraction; we barely said two sentences to each other the whole three hours we were there...we couldn't hear each other because it was so damn LOUD. I also discovered that I DON'T like auto races and will never attend one again. BUT...you might end up liking watching b-ball with your date; and, it might not be as much of a distraction as you think it'll be, because at least it won't be that loud in there. You'll actually be able to hear each other talk and you two might end up having interesting convos during the game. And like katie suggested, after the game is over, then why can't you both head back to your place and continue with your original plan? .
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I texted her letting her know I'm OK with the change of plans and expressed some interest, just waiting to hear back from her again. The plans have only changed a little bit, so I'm more or less OK with it, and she isn't dragging friends along or anything, so it'll still just be us. She's going to meet me at my house and then we're going out, so we'll still have time to come back to my place after and spend some time alone together (Just to reiterate earlier stated in the thread - she's already come over and spent the night once, and we're NOT having sex yet) Thanks as always for the great advice guys. Edited March 21, 2015 by barcode88 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I know some people don't see spending the night as that big of a deal. But I don't have a woman I'm casually seeing spend the night. I save that until I'm more serious with her and are heading into being exclusive. Plus, the last thing you want is to be the "sexless inkeeper" (love HMYM). 3
Penguin_hugs Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 If it was me I would go- simply to see the other person. I'd rather see them in a situation that I'm not fussed about than not see them at all. And there is no harm in just staying round without sex. It's just nice to spend that extra time together. Me and my BF did that for 6 months before we had sex (I was 20 and he was 25 at the time).
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Glad you agreed to go. March Madness is fluid. She might not have expected "her team" to still be in the hunt. If you are really bored, you can always bail at halftime. Like with any sport it's about the atmosphere. Don't try to command any of her attention during the last 2 minutes but other than that, she should be able to watch & interact with you. Make a fun bet about the game with her. You root for the other team. Loser owes the winner a kiss, or a foot massage . . . make it interesting. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Ok I didn't explain properly, she's already stayed overnight once and we were at 2nd base, she said she didn't want to have sex yet and I said I was ok waiting. There is no implication there will be sex since she can't spend the night anyway tomorrow. So I should just be flexible? yes you should be flexible. There is no better test of the strength of your feelings for a person at the beginning to do an activity that you don't really want to do. If your feelings are strong enough, you will have fun no matter what and be glad you went. If they aren't, you will likely be annoyed and have a think about how you really feel. If you get deeper into a relationship with her, relationships have a decent amount of compromise. I like that she feels confident enough to let you know what she wants to do. Sounds like she is trying to make the day fun--you will appreciate that if you end up in a relationship with her likely rather than a bump on a log where it's all on you to come up with every activity and have no opinion. Plus if you say you don't want to go, it will not be a good sign to her.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) yes you should be flexible. There is no better test of the strength of your feelings for a person at the beginning to do an activity that you don't really want to do. If your feelings are strong enough, you will have fun no matter what and be glad you went. If they aren't, you will likely be annoyed and have a think about how you really feel. If you get deeper into a relationship with her, relationships have a decent amount of compromise. I like that she feels confident enough to let you know what she wants to do. Sounds like she is trying to make the day fun--you will appreciate that if you end up in a relationship with her likely rather than a bump on a log where it's all on you to come up with every activity and have no opinion. Plus if you say you don't want to go, it will not be a good sign to her. 1) Ladies flip the POV. You have a solo romantic evening with a guy planned. At the last minute, he doesn't call but sends a text message that says "I'm going to watch a game at the bar with my buddy, but you should totally come along". You're telling me that wouldn't bother you? 2) People should have a right to say no and avoid doing things they don't want to do. It's one thing if you're in an established relationship. Compromise is important. However, this is a woman he barely knows. If a woman can't even call and sends a last minute text changing to a group outing with something I don't want to do, I'm not going to be a push over. I'd let her know we could do it some other time, and to get back to me with availability for next week. Then I'd let her do that and wouldn't contact her in the mean time. Edited March 22, 2015 by fitnessfan365
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 FitnessFan you aren't wrong per se. However, even though basketball isn't my thing, if a guy told me his team was still alive, I'd be flexible. The other side though is that while many men are sports fanatics, few women are. So we have been conditioned to think it's socially acceptable for us to expect a man to drop everything because we want to watch a sport. But most women would be annoyed if a man expected her to go along with it. 2
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 1) Ladies flip the POV. You have a solo romantic evening with a guy planned. At the last minute, he doesn't call but sends a text message that says "I'm going to watch a game at the bar with my buddy, but you should totally come along". You're telling me that wouldn't bother you? 2) People should have a right to say no and avoid doing things they don't want to do. It's one thing if you're in an established relationship. Compromise is important. However, this is a woman he barely knows. If a woman can't even call and sends a last minute text changing to a group outing with something I don't want to do, I'm not going to be a push over. I'd let her know we could do it some other time, and to get back to me with availability for next week. Then I'd let her do that and wouldn't contact her in the mean time. First of all their date is tommorw so it's not last minute. Second, the way you presented it is not even close to how she presented it. Read barcode's first post again. She ASKED barcode if it was okay if there was a slight change of plans. She didn't just make the decision on her own to change the plan and suggest he come along. Third, there is no other friend involved.. this is an activity she and barcode will be doing together just the two of them. Yes other people will be there, but they are going together as a couple, not her tagging along with him and his "buddy". If you are gonna disagree at least have all the facts straight before doing so.... 7
Versacehottie Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 1) Ladies flip the POV. You have a solo romantic evening with a guy planned. At the last minute, he doesn't call but sends a text message that says "I'm going to watch a game at the bar with my buddy, but you should totally come along". You're telling me that wouldn't bother you? 2) People should have a right to say no and avoid doing things they don't want to do. It's one thing if you're in an established relationship. Compromise is important. However, this is a woman he barely knows. If a woman can't even call and sends a last minute text changing to a group outing with something I don't want to do, I'm not going to be a push over. I'd let her know we could do it some other time, and to get back to me with availability for next week. Then I'd let her do that and wouldn't contact her in the mean time. Well i respectfully disagree though depending on how the situation went down/person involved it could be totally annoying. I do remember this girl from barcodes posts. Things are going really well with her so far and by all accounts she seems normal and respectful. As for your example, um yeah, that example is no good. I wouldn't be happy with that one either. Because he is adding a friend to the mix and making her just an afterthought. If he said something similar about a game and wanted me to go to watch that but the date was still us together, I would like/love it/be flexible with it. Part of dating is exposing more and more of yourself and how you spend your time, so I really wouldn't want a person to conceal what they like to do and who they are and only have "formal" dates that have a romantic connotation to them. Some of the most romantic times i have had have been in situations that should have been anything but!! Like sports watching. I don't think she is "trying" to be pushy but I guess only barcode knows the vibe of this request. It's not like her request is set in stone either. If he had said, I'm not really into that, she could also compromise some more with him. I've found that in organizing at this stage is really telling of would you make a good couple or not. Compatibility, compatibility, compatibility. I do agree with you that if he feels strongly about not wanting to spend his evening per her suggestion or if he feels that she blew off a nice evening that he was planning already for her in disrespectful way, then of course, it's right to say, "let's do something else some other time". However, then he runs the risk of looking very unflexible, not spontaneous which may be qualities that are important to her. She may take a read on that information from this situation vs. whether or not he's a push over. IMO, guys are too worried about looking like pushovers. She wouldn't be 5 dates in with him if he was. I don't think it's that cool if she is changing it to a group outing. But i didn't take that from OP's post as the situation. But even so, if random group outings pop up from time to time or parties to watch alma matters with friends, I think to extend the invite to his as a component of the date is ok. Some people like to put their friends into the mix soon rather than later. It's just a matter of what's most comfortable to OP and girl he's dating: and in this answers will be answers about their compatibility.
Author Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 UPDATE- Well, we went on our 5th date, and it went OKAY, I wasn't super psyched about the game, but still managed to enjoy myself. We came back to my place after, and we were making out a bit and then she stopped and asked me how she felt about us - long story short she didn't feel that we had the right physical chemistry together, and she thought that I seemed "more into her" than she was into me... She left right after. So yeah probably won't be seeing her again, oh well. I think I should have taken FitnessFan's advice, by allowing her to change plans on me and go along with it, I think I came across as too eager and willing to please. I don't think this would have changed the outcome since she didn't feel chemistry either though. Oh well, for how long I've been off the dating scene, it was a good run
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 UPDATE- Well, we went on our 5th date, and it went OKAY, I wasn't super psyched about the game, but still managed to enjoy myself. We came back to my place after, and we were making out a bit and then she stopped and asked me how she felt about us - long story short she didn't feel that we had the right physical chemistry together, and she thought that I seemed "more into her" than she was into me... She left right after. So yeah probably won't be seeing her again, oh well. I think I should have taken FitnessFan's advice, by allowing her to change plans on me and go along with it, I think I came across as too eager and willing to please. I don't think this would have changed the outcome since she didn't feel chemistry either though. Oh well, for how long I've been off the dating scene, it was a good run Wow, I am so sorry.. score 1 for fitnessfan. However, I agree with you. Even if you "had" followed his advice, my guess is it wouldn't have made much difference in the grand scheme of things. She just wasn't into it... Again, sorry barcode..: (
carhill Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 If she was deciding, perhaps the game date helped her decide. Attraction wasn't strong so better to move on early rather than later. Unless you're universally attractive a lot of dates will end up in this place. That's OK. You're back in the swim now so keep stroking. Good luck!
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