missymonster Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I am on my first week of NC with my ex. He dumped me just over a week ago, I would call it a blind side. The week before, of course, I thought we were totally fine, on the right track, and as the usual, he sounded very serious when he would say how much he loved me, and how he was falling for me. I only told him I loved he very much as well. Then one week after, he says he does not consider this a relationship, his reason being (or excuse), we only see each other once a week lately due to our schedules, he feels down during the time we are not together, he didn't like the wait in between not seeing each other, mentioning that its neither of us, its our situation, of course wanting a break, seeing me as a amazing friend, he really cared about me, wanting to be friends. I asked him what do you want to do? and he said that he did not want a relationship and to break up... I feel into shock, with the surprise of this.. I didn't really get to talk about it like he wanted to because I felt like he triggered a fear inside and I ended up leaving his house, with leaving things pretty much in the air... I want to say that, I know I put myself into this situation and I have come to a realization and acceptance of everything, after being dumped and then initiating NC (I just did it, I didn't let him know I wasn't contacting him for 30 days), and I am dealing with it as of right now. Looking back, I looked over a few red flags and maybe even some deal breakers, therefore, I know that playing the victim and self sabotaging will not get me anywhere, and I accept that he does not feel the same, nor do I plan on getting him back. Brief summary; We were together just about over two weeks and six months together. I was his first gf, and he was my second bf, I am 22 and he is 20. During our time together his parents became separated, and he has grown up with his sister in her relationships, (most of them being really long distance relationships). Learning from my last relationship, this time I took things slow, I gave him space, I went with the flow, I didn't pressure him, I supported him, I told him that I was not looking for an outcome from this..I took every advice from friends and family this time because I didn't want anything to go wrong again... Later into the relationship, he would be the one initiating all the 'talks', the first one to say 'I love you' etc.. I felt like we were really connecting.. After, he dumped me, I felt more hurt than sad, from feeling like I lost my bestfriend just like that, feeling like everything was a lie, etc, etc,. The day after I texted him asking for my cd back that I left, he agreed, but later I regretted even texting him and told him to forget I even texted him. I went into full no contact after that. I realized that I keep accepting guys who are not ready of course, not being emotional mature enough to deal with reality of a relationship, not just the idea at first of one. Since the last time I was dumped, it was pretty much the same excuse, and I am seeing the pattern now.. In the end, I could blame him for everything, or hate him, but I will not, and I know it will get me no where. I accepted that he was not in love with me and but I was with him, and he did not feel the same way, that he was not ready, and that it is over. I guess my advice would be am I on the right track? Since, things were left in the air, I was planning on contacting him (after my no contact to heal myself completely) just to leave on good terms; meaning I want to do this for myself, I wanted just leave a short message asking to maybe meetup after there was time between us or to just leave the message just saying that. (I know he doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe him, and it will not be for reconciliation or to get him back, or course. It would just be to be understanding that I do not hate him for this experience and I understand that it will not work out between us). Would this be a good thing to do? Thanks. Edited March 21, 2015 by missymonster 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 1) You're 22. You can have pretty much any guy you want at your age...and pretty much for the rest of your life if you're a beauty and/or have a lot going for you. 2) He's 20. We (men) are all morons when we are 20. He is clueless, as he should be. He hasn't grown into his man-self yet. In reality, I know it hurts, but you weren't going to marry him or spend the rest of your life with him. You're still in the growing stages of your life. Enjoy your 20's, they're the best (and most confusing) times of your life. 1
Author missymonster Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 1) You're 22. You can have pretty much any guy you want at your age...and pretty much for the rest of your life if you're a beauty and/or have a lot going for you. 2) He's 20. We (men) are all morons when we are 20. He is clueless, as he should be. He hasn't grown into his man-self yet. In reality, I know it hurts, but you weren't going to marry him or spend the rest of your life with him. You're still in the growing stages of your life. Enjoy your 20's, they're the best (and most confusing) times of your life. Thanks for you help and yes, this is what I was saying when I accepted it and I realized everything. I'm not trying to be his best friend, I just want to let him know no hard feelings, and I wish you the best. Is that a bad idea? or should I just leave it? 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Thanks for you help and yes, this is what I was saying when I accepted it and I realized everything. I'm not trying to be his best friend, I just want to let him know no hard feelings, and I wish you the best. Is that a bad idea? or should I just leave it? Personally, I would just leave it. I'm sure he's hurting too (even if he doesn't say/show it). You reaching out to him will only further his hurting and most likely will stunt your healing process. He left you, so if he wants contact/friendship, he'll reach out. Most guys do reach out. 1
Author missymonster Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Personally, I would just leave it. I'm sure he's hurting too (even if he doesn't say/show it). You reaching out to him will only further his hurting and most likely will stunt your healing process. He left you, so if he wants contact/friendship, he'll reach out. Most guys do reach out. Okay, I understand what you mean, and so even after no contact for 30 days? I was thinking he wouldn't reach out, but yeah. I have no problem just leaving either. 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Okay, I understand what you mean, and so even after no contact for 30 days? I was thinking he wouldn't reach out, but yeah. I have no problem just leaving either. If you can handle possible rejection after 30 days, then go for it. If you're over it emotionally, then there's no reason to wait after 30 days. 1
OneBigIdgit Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 1) You're 22. You can have pretty much any guy you want at your age...and pretty much for the rest of your life if you're a beauty and/or have a lot going for you. 2) He's 20. We (men) are all morons when we are from 20 to 80. He is clueless, as he should be. He hasn't grown into his man-self yet. Fixed that for you BlackbirdSong 2
Jimmyjackson Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 1) You're 22. You can have pretty much any guy you want at your age...and pretty much for the rest of your life if you're a beauty and/or have a lot going for you. 2) He's 20. We (men) are all morons when we are 20. He is clueless, as he should be. He hasn't grown into his man-self yet. In reality, I know it hurts, but you weren't going to marry him or spend the rest of your life with him. You're still in the growing stages of your life. Enjoy your 20's, they're the best (and most confusing) times of your life. This is good advice. My ex was my first relationship, me 22 and her 19. After a while I thought to myself, it wasn't like I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. I realised we are both young and have plenty ahead of us, it helps the healing when you think of it that way. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 No Contact isn't a 30-day stunt. No Contact should be instituted until you are healed and indifferent. That means months and months and months. And closure comes from within -- closure conversation causes more questions. Breakups aren't meant to be wrapped up in a pretty bow. 1
Author missymonster Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 No Contact isn't a 30-day stunt. No Contact should be instituted until you are healed and indifferent. That means months and months and months. And closure comes from within -- closure conversation causes more questions. Breakups aren't meant to be wrapped up in a pretty bow. I wasn't asking for closure or to make it sound like it, nor did I want to use no contact as a stunt. I understand that it is for me to heal. I asked a stupid question, silly me, I wont initiate anything... and I will leave it alone now. Thanks for your help.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I wasn't asking for closure or to make it sound like it, nor did I want to use no contact as a stunt. I understand that it is for me to heal. I asked a stupid question, silly me, I wont initiate anything... and I will leave it alone now. Thanks for your help. Yeah, there's no time limit to No Contact. Not 30 days, not 60 days, not 2 years. You keep it until healed, and after that you'll likely continue to keep it because you'll see no reason to contact your ex even though emotionally you could. But yeah, get this "30 days and we can talk" stuff out of your head. That's just a sales tactic.
Author missymonster Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Yeah, there's no time limit to No Contact. Not 30 days, not 60 days, not 2 years. You keep it until healed, and after that you'll likely continue to keep it because you'll see no reason to contact your ex even though emotionally you could. But yeah, get this "30 days and we can talk" stuff out of your head. That's just a sales tactic. For sure, and yeah, I'll be prob asking myself later on, 'Why was I even thinking or even asking that stupid question??" So, yeah why bother? And I need to continue worrying about my own well being. Thanks 1
SycamoreCircle Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Leave it be. There's nothing more to say. It doesn't sound like you said or did anything unreasonable during the breakup. At this early stage, a meeting would only open up other wounds that would need "mending." The six-month mark is always a turning point in relationships. People, even mature adults, begin to evaluate how they feel about their partner in a larger scheme. Maturity has a big hand in things and as others have pointed out, at your age, only so much can be expected. Blindsiding inhabits an emotional dishonesty. If I care for my partner and the relationship, I work to communicate my needs, insecurities and desires. Your boyfriend, for whatever reason, concealed those things. He started feeling apart from you. Maybe another person was involved. Maybe not. The reasons he gave do and don't sound legitimate. It's always a nebulous territory---figuring out why things ended---and rarely worth the effort. Ultimately, I believe we're all radically alike and radically different from each other. Maturity is the glue that adheres inevitable difference. By maintaining a hard and swift NC, your boyfriend must deal with your absence, must evaluate losing your care and concern. As someone else mentioned, most men do reach out eventually. As the dumpee, you probably won't hear from him until after your feelings for him have died away. Of course, there are no guarantees. Focus now on you. Be good to yourself. Date yourself. Lay off of dating other people a while. Reflect on the relationship. Reflect on what made you feel good and bad in the relationship. Begin to establish, within yourself, stronger, better defined boundaries that you will continue to observe throughout your life. These boundaries will push you into more healthful, meaningful relationships in the future. Read about other people's problems and relationships on LoveShack. It can be a valuable sentimental education. Edited March 22, 2015 by SycamoreCircle 1
Author missymonster Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Leave it be. There's nothing more to say. It doesn't sound like you said or did anything unreasonable during the breakup. At this early stage, a meeting would only open up other wounds that would need "mending." The six-month mark is always a turning point in relationships. People, even mature adults, begin to evaluate how they feel about their partner in a larger scheme. Maturity has a big hand in things and as others have pointed out, at your age, only so much can be expected. Blindsiding inhabits an emotional dishonesty. If I care for my partner and the relationship, I work to communicate my needs, insecurities and desires. Your boyfriend, for whatever reason, concealed those things. He started feeling apart from you. Maybe another person was involved. Maybe not. The reasons he gave do and don't sound legitimate. It's always a nebulous territory---figuring out why things ended---and rarely worth the effort. Ultimately, I believe we're all radically alike and radically different from each other. Maturity is the glue that adheres inevitable difference. By maintaining a hard and swift NC, your boyfriend must deal with your absence, must evaluate losing your care and concern. As someone else mentioned, most men do reach out eventually. As the dumpee, you probably won't hear from him until after your feelings for him have died away. Of course, there are no guarantees. Focus now on you. Be good to yourself. Date yourself. Lay off of dating other people a while. Reflect on the relationship. Reflect on what made you feel good and bad in the relationship. Begin to establish, within yourself, stronger, better defined boundaries that you will continue to observe throughout your life. These boundaries will push you into more healthful, meaningful relationships in the future. Read about other people's problems and relationships on LoveShack. It can be a valuable sentimental education. Indeed, and thank you for a well put advice for me. And as you have read I have agreed with everyone else, that I will leave it alone for good and go back to just focusing on me. Like, I said after reflecting...I realized I put myself in this situation and now am dealing with it. I asked if I were doing the right thing, and I found my answers. He was emotionally unavailable or mature (prob neither was I ) and this was my mistake last time... Thanks you also for you help. And of course, I will grow from this, move on, and become a better person.
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