Perrier Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 OP I think you are deluding yourself on this one. This guy is trying to let you down gently because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Hanging around him will not suddenly make him see your value, if anything he will overlook you for another woman when he decides he is ready to date. I know it's not what you want to hear but many posters have told you the same thing. I would begin weaning myself off him for my own preservation.
markleymassraff Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) I agree with Versacehottie. Human beings and situations are complex, and advice-givers on LS tend to simplify everything to "he's just not that into you. wake up and move on." I think the OP needs to be distant from him, but I agree with Versacehottie that leaving the door open to whatever degree the OP thinks she can handle...is not a bad idea. Desires change...a lot changes. I've had a number of men have a change of heart at some point. And the truth is, people's assumptions that "the good relationships" are the ones where someone is into you from the start and treats you well from the start...well I've had those and they have often fallen apart and been inauthentic. Conversely, it stands to reason that often the relationships that are a bit messy in the beginning, and/or you don't get "everything you want" from the start...sometimes end up working out. The important thing is awareness and self protection. Be as distant as you need to be to not be completely pummeled by this person, but leaving the door open isn't crazy. Edited March 23, 2015 by markleymassraff 2
Toodaloo Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Maplewish Been there, still going through it. Its the only thing sucky about my life right now. Spent last night in tears sobbing about it, after months of doing really well. After managing to be "friends" for a while, the hugs have gotten a bit harder and for longer, there was a few touches and flirting. It screwed me up good and proper. I wish he didn't touch me that way. It was "that way of touching" that made me fall for him in the first place. He is still not ready and once again has gone silent and moody. My advice is back right off. And I mean right off. Don't call him, don't text him, avoid places he is going to be. Just stand up and walk the heck away. Do it now while you are still reasonably sane and strong enough to. Go off paint your nails, get your hair done. Do what ever makes you feel good, but do not contact him. Go on dates with other men, go out with your friends, visit family... but do not spend time with him. When he contacts you keep him at arms length for some time. Keep your eyes wide open, brain fully engaged and for goodness sake tell your heart to take a back step. When he is ready (in about 1-2 years time, could be more, probably not less) perhaps - but do not hang around for this one. He doesn't have a clue right now and is in no position to make decisions.
okc85 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Wait I think we are ALL saying the truth essentially. No one has a crystal ball. What's dangerous about this site is that people come here because they are lost and confused; in this situation, they give a lot more weight to the information here as if strangers on the internet know what definitively is going to happen. They don't, I don't, you don't. It's just as dangerous to tell her "it's just you honey" and you never have a chance with this guy and break down her confidence. I refrain from telling them because I don't want to give someone false hope but I know more than a few situations where it did work out. Like I said, and you said and most people said. What she should do is the same. Live her life, date others, distance herself. Only she knows if she can handle being some sort of friend with him. I don't think any of us recommend staying close with him. I think if she asks herself deep down what the answer is with this guy. "Is he bullsh*ting, is staying friends the best thing with this particular one, etc", SHE is the one that knows the answer. For the record, I actually know a few people who stayed close to the not ready person and that worked out. I wouldn't tell her to do that though. He may exactly fall for another woman when he is ready. That's why she shouldn't be around right now picking up the pieces for him and acting like a doormat. That's a likely fail for getting what she wants. My biggest point is that to those saying when a person says they are not ready means the other person hasn't met the mark in their eyes. Maybe people are watching too many romantic comedies where love conquers all and somehow everything is perfect. Not in real life. In real life, especially with guys I think, they have to get their mojo back after a breakup. Some do it through picking some girl to be a rebound, others take time--such as this guy. There is no guarantee either way that she will be who he wants when he sorts himself out. I just don't think she should shut the door completely if she believes him to be honest about it. He doesn't know what will happen down the road, either does she. A lot of the advice on here is just to throw people away like if they don't present themselves perfectly, there's some god waiting behind door number 3. That just isn't the way it works. I have no problem being the one to stand up for the other side of the coin. Anyway, to the OP, same prescription from varying POV's. Take it for what you will. Distance yourself. Date others. Put yourself first. (*from the positive perspective, don't completely shut the guy out, who knows what will happen down the road. Unless he's a big fat liar, I don't really think someone should be punished for telling you the truth. Distance yourself because no matter what you love yourself the most). Good luck Well I certainly hope we haven't broken down her confidence, I know that wasn't my intention, but I've thought about a lot of what you've said, and you make a lot of good points. I'd say most Loveshack posters are heartbroken in some way, and it's hard not to project our own experiences in the advice we give. This can be dangerous. 1
Recommended Posts