MapleWish Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 well it has gotten to the point where my recently divorced crush has made up his mind. he's made it clear he's not ready to date and although we do like eachother and would often cuddle and flirt and be affectionate, he wants to be "just friends", guessing because he doesnt want to hurt me if things never do work out between us. hard part is it was HIS decision, not mine so i'm having a harder time transitioning into "friends". in fact this is the most serious he's ever been about the friends thing, we've had talks in the past where he said we needed to start acting like friends but then we'd go right back to behaving like crushes. so now he's really enforcing the friends ruling. we BOTH still like eachother but on my end it's a little harder since i'm not the divorcee, i already got upset with him because last night i asked him about coming over today to hang and watch some pixar movie, he said "i dont know, i dont know what my plans are tomorrow" and i told him to let me know. few hours after he got off work today i called, asked what the plans were and he said his roommate/best friend already talked about plans and yea i got upset, saying he's bailing and that it wasnt fair because i had already asked him to hang out and of course he commented "yea and i said i didnt know what my plans were". long story, obviously i got upset cause i like him and he brushed it off by sayin i have no grounds to get mad because we're not dating. again he stressed he's not ready which i get and kinda dont care about. i've lessened on the dating aspect. i keep thinking i'd much rather just go back to being cuddly and affectionate without the label of dating but i guess that sounds like a PSEUDO friends-with-benefits- deal and i know he doesnt want that. the sitch is confusing, i keep wondering "well why can't we just cuddle and be affectionate and NOT date" but then i realize that would probably not work at all. but obviously i'm still being possessive and such cause i like him, how can i make the friend transition? i'm just scared if i start seeing him as a friend, our feelings will go away but i dont wanna push him away, i'm not ready to lose him or my feelings for him. this was all his decision but i wanna get to a point where he misses me and wants to hang out and will text me first etc but this is gonna be hard for me cause i am so attached to him.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 It's actually interesting to hear a friend zone tale from a woman for a change. He's rejecting you and trying to let you down as easy as possible. Since you have a crush on him and want more, all hanging around for "friendship" will do in the long run is lead to you being hurt. I can already see it now. In a month or so, since you two will be "friends", he'll be telling you all about the new woman that's he dating. You'll be thinking "I thought you weren't ready to date" and then come to the conclusion that it was just you he didn't want to date. Say this to him. "Call me if you change your mind, but I have no interest in friendship with you." Then walk away and never look back. 8
badpenny Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I ahte to tell you this, but frankly, you're on a hiding to nothing and your post (I'm sure that's not your intention) just seems to scream "he doesn't want to get serious, but I do, and I insist on doing things my way in the hope that he will start getting serious too." You need to accept this: he doesn't want you, and he doesn't want to get into a relationship with you. It's possible you simply don't float his boat, or that he's genuinely not into you, because I'm sorry, but if this guy had more than a fleeting superficial interest, he'd be working on them, not backing off. You need to lay low, go No Contact, fall off his radar and leave him alone. he's trying to tell you nicely, and your getting stroppy with him because he chose to do something else, is a bit clingy and needy. If he had wanted to be with you - he would have done. he tried to not commit, and chose to do something else. Give him space, because that's what he wants. 2
Author MapleWish Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 he DOES like me and he's told me he wishes he were ready to date, that's why multiple times in the past we've flirted and been affectionate but everytime he thinks to himself he's not ready for a relationship since he just got DIVORCED. he worried his fondness for me clouds him mind when it comes to "am i ready or not?" yes i AM wanting something he isnt, he did try dating me for a couple months but it was right after his divorce and he wasnt ready then either
badpenny Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Take the hint. Back off. Leave him be. The more insistent you are, the more of a turn-off it will be. he has to go at his own pace, and no amount of insistence, cajoling, encouragement or asking on your part will change that. You hit the nail on the head when you said: yes i AM wanting something he isnt, So take it as read: When only one of you wants something - it ain't gonna happen. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 he DOES like me and he's told me he wishes he were ready to date, that's why multiple times in the past we've flirted and been affectionate but everytime he thinks to himself he's not ready for a relationship since he just got DIVORCED. he worried his fondness for me clouds him mind when it comes to "am i ready or not?" yes i AM wanting something he isnt, he did try dating me for a couple months but it was right after his divorce and he wasnt ready then either It doesn't matter what words are coming out of his mouth. Men show women the like how they feel with their actions. No one wants to be friends with someone they're attracted to. All his pondering about not being ready, etc is crap because he does respect you as a person and wants to let you down easy. 2
Peachland Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Do you really want to be friends? That sounds so frustrating especially if you are really looking for a relationship. Why settle for crumbs? I would go No Contact, date others and see if he comes back around. I did this a few months ago with a recently divorced man who wasn't ready, confused, etc and he did come back to me after 3 months. We went out a few times but by then I was over him and ended it for good. 4
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Stop being friends and move on. I don't think he has "feelings" for you the way you think....sure sexual attraction is there but nothing beyond that....that's why he has backed off. He knows it's only lust for him, and can't be emotionally invested the way you are with him. So you are just wasting your time being friends with him and waiting for him.....doubt it's going to happen. 1
Author MapleWish Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 i'm just wanting to know how to be friends, didnt mean to divulge into the "he likes me, no he doesnt really like me" yes i wanna believe he DOES, because of everything he has said and done. he struggled with being just friends, the moments where he and i will be affectionate and then he'll pull away and say he can't do it and he's not ready. to clear it up he's NOT talking to other girls, he's not like that he's socially introverted like me, i'm like the ONLY girl he talks to. and see, we were fine this last saturday, we were standing in his kitchen talking and he was telling me he was ok with being cuddly and affectionate bla bla bla but laying down ground rules, like no getting upset if he didnt feel like cudlding etc. we were fine saturday and sunday, monday he talked to his best friend and then st pattys day was when he told me this decision. he'd done some thinking and changed him mind within that amount of time, still hasnt told me why but this isnt the first time he's "friendzoned" me, it's just this time he is being more serious about it. we always had a habit of going right back to flirting and cuddling and being affectionate and this time he doesnt want us to slip up again
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Tip: when fresh out of a relationship/marriage.....anything looks good on the menu because you are so hungry. 1
Vuuduu Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 This comes down to: What do YOU want? If you're not getting what you want, why are you staying for crumbs? No matter how you feel about him, have some dignity. Don't be a person's toy or plaything...NO ONE, not even family. Always put yourself FIRST. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 You be friends with him just the way you would be friends with anybody else. The fact that you like him makes this tough for you. You ask about his day. You support him when he's upset. You celebrate when he's sad. And that gets you a front row seat to his next relationship with a different woman. Back off. Be courteous. Smile & say hello but don't become the shoulder he cries on. 1
Gloria25 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 How to be "friends"? Don't contact him anymore.... If you cross paths with him (i.e. walking down the street), be polite and keep it moving. "If" (which I highly doubt) he contacts you to do something "friendly" - don't go...just tell him you have other plans. See, thing is you want more. Regardless of his reasons for him not wanting a RL with you, spending more time with him isn't gonna allow you to move on. Also, forget this whole "he may date me in the future" thing you think you're gonna achieve by spending time with him under the guise of a "friend".
okc85 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Why do we humans torture ourselves, lol. I once had an unrequited crush say to me, 'okc85, do you think I am going to just wake up one day and suddenly realize that I like you?' And yes, we flirted, hooked up, etc. If someone REALLY wants you, you won't have to play these silly games, or wait around for them to suddenly be 'ready to date.' You're going to be hurt when he finds a girlfriend. I recommend you try to move on. 2
Buddhist Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Personally I don't think this is because he doesn't want to 'hurt' you. He plainly doesn't want a relationship with you and wants to put an end to any romantic illusions you might be harbouring. Men don't carry high levels of empathy, you can be sure that a large proportion of the time their actions stem from self-centred motives. But if that's the story that helps you get over it....so be it. Don't hang around him, it's just painful to do that to yourself. I think you are trying to be friends because you secretly hope that when he's 'ready' the floodgates will open. They won't. Because being 'ready' has nothing to do with it. He just doesn't want you. So don't be the friend that stands by while he dates other women even though he told you he's not ready. Because that will happen. 1
okc85 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Personally I don't think this is because he doesn't want to 'hurt' you. He plainly doesn't want a relationship with you and wants to put an end to any romantic illusions you might be harbouring. Men don't carry high levels of empathy, you can be sure that a large proportion of the time their actions stem from self-centred motives. But if that's the story that helps you get over it....so be it. Don't hang around him, it's just painful to do that to yourself. I think you are trying to be friends because you secretly hope that when he's 'ready' the floodgates will open. They won't. Because being 'ready' has nothing to do with it. He just doesn't want you. So don't be the friend that stands by while he dates other women even though he told you he's not ready. Because that will happen. Women do this too. We all do it. We think we are being nice by saying 'I'm not ready!' but we're actually being jerks, keeping someone on a string instead of setting them free to find someone available.
Yookie Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 i'm still being possessive and such cause i like him, how can i make the friend transition? i'm just scared if i start seeing him as a friend, our feelings will go away but i dont wanna push him away, i'm not ready to lose him or my feelings for him. this was all his decision but i wanna get to a point where he misses me and wants to hang out and will text me first etc but this is gonna be hard for me cause i am so attached to him. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you have nothing to lose because you never had him in the first place. He does not share the same feelings and most likely never will. If you want to get to the point where he wants to hang out and text you first you need to give him the space to do so. The smartest thing you can do at this stag is to NOT contact him at all. You need to see for yourself how much he cares about being with you. (Hint: probably not at all unfortunately:() 1
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 he DOES like me and he's told me he wishes he were ready to date, that's why multiple times in the past we've flirted and been affectionate but everytime he thinks to himself he's not ready for a relationship since he just got DIVORCED. he worried his fondness for me clouds him mind when it comes to "am i ready or not?" yes i AM wanting something he isnt, he did try dating me for a couple months but it was right after his divorce and he wasnt ready then either Sweetie, I am sorry but he's BS'ing you BIG TIME. Most likely because he fesrs you will turn psycho on him if he were to tell you the truth -- which is he's just not into you and doesn't want a relationship with YOU. You can't see it cause YOU are the one with the feelings that are clouding YOUR judgment... This "friendship" or whatever it is you think you have is one big long trip to never-never land. Move on!
markleymassraff Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Hi OP, i'm also seeing (off and on) a just divorced person. (actually, he's not "just divorced -- it's been 5 months), but he was married for 13 years to two different women, so given the length of time he's been married, 5 months is really a short time of freedom. he also frustrates me. i just got into an intense conversation with him last night. the good thing is, i previously backed off when he needed space, and he did come back asking to see me again. so i had the leeway to say sh*t to him. you can only complain when they have come to you. it's always dangerous and really kinda pointless to date a just-divorced person. i'm only doing so because my attractions are so few, and what i have as an option for any kind of sex or intimacy for right now is this messed up divorced person. he's messed up in a variety of ways.
Versacehottie Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I don't take such a pessimistic view of what's been said here. I just don't subscribe to the "it's you" when someone is not ready to date. If ever there is a more perfect example, is when a person is recently divorced. Dating seriously would be the last thing on my mind if I was still dealing with my marriage breaking up. Who knows what will happen down the road. However, the "prescription" is the same: give him space. Don't see him only on his terms. Go on with your life. Be cautious of how this friendship is. It's in your best interest to completely decide how you want it to be in order to protect yourself. Do not counsel him on his romantic, break up problems in any way. That leaves a clean slate for you guys if it turns romantic for you. You will read too much into what he says if you counsel him. It's an unfair use of your friendship if he attempts this. Completely selfish of him if he tries. Live your life, date others, do not hold out hope. Just leave the door open enough that he can come your way. Think distant friendship. A close friendship is most likely not the right thing at all for you to get what you want out of this and will be tortureous at this stage. I don't want to give you false hope. It may or may not work but being right there for him is not how to do it. Take space. A lot of it. Good luck.
MoreFire Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I ve been in a very similar situation and yes it was a rejection. I don't doubt he likes you either physically or personality wise ,that's why he wants to keep you around , he s not that into you but you re good enough for an ego boost (because he knows you like him) and maybe even sex in case things don't work out or get stale with ole girl. If I were you I wouldn't act too bothered by his actions,always take everything in a light hearted way,he's not that special ,date and flirt with other guys,he shouldn't be a priority in your mind . All this NC stuff doesn't guarantee him coming back ,just keep it friendly and literally see him as one of your friends. 1
spiderowl Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 It's hard to do anything but move on completely and not engage with him in any form. Painful in the short term but otherwise it's a long drawn-out kind of pain. Sorry. x
okc85 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't take such a pessimistic view of what's been said here. I just don't subscribe to the "it's you" when someone is not ready to date. If ever there is a more perfect example, is when a person is recently divorced. Dating seriously would be the last thing on my mind if I was still dealing with my marriage breaking up. Who knows what will happen down the road. However, the "prescription" is the same: give him space. Don't see him only on his terms. Go on with your life. Be cautious of how this friendship is. It's in your best interest to completely decide how you want it to be in order to protect yourself. Do not counsel him on his romantic, break up problems in any way. That leaves a clean slate for you guys if it turns romantic for you. You will read too much into what he says if you counsel him. It's an unfair use of your friendship if he attempts this. Completely selfish of him if he tries. Live your life, date others, do not hold out hope. Just leave the door open enough that he can come your way. Think distant friendship. A close friendship is most likely not the right thing at all for you to get what you want out of this and will be tortureous at this stage. I don't want to give you false hope. It may or may not work but being right there for him is not how to do it. Take space. A lot of it. Good luck. We are being pessimistic, you're right. But nothing we're saying is untrue. Sure, he might simply not be ready for a serious relationship. That doesn't change her feelings. she IS ready, and she's putting her life on hold waiting for him. What if he becomes ready in a few months, and falls for another woman? OP is better off distancing herself from this man, and looking for someone else. If she can emotionally handle being his casual friend, more power to her. It is up to her. But I refuse to give her false hope, because that stuff only works in the movies. Humans are really not that complex, if you ask me. We become SO blinded by love, but EVERYONE around us sees the truth.
Versacehottie Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 We are being pessimistic, you're right. But nothing we're saying is untrue. Sure, he might simply not be ready for a serious relationship. That doesn't change her feelings. she IS ready, and she's putting her life on hold waiting for him. What if he becomes ready in a few months, and falls for another woman? OP is better off distancing herself from this man, and looking for someone else. If she can emotionally handle being his casual friend, more power to her. It is up to her. But I refuse to give her false hope, because that stuff only works in the movies. Humans are really not that complex, if you ask me. We become SO blinded by love, but EVERYONE around us sees the truth. Wait I think we are ALL saying the truth essentially. No one has a crystal ball. What's dangerous about this site is that people come here because they are lost and confused; in this situation, they give a lot more weight to the information here as if strangers on the internet know what definitively is going to happen. They don't, I don't, you don't. It's just as dangerous to tell her "it's just you honey" and you never have a chance with this guy and break down her confidence. I refrain from telling them because I don't want to give someone false hope but I know more than a few situations where it did work out. Like I said, and you said and most people said. What she should do is the same. Live her life, date others, distance herself. Only she knows if she can handle being some sort of friend with him. I don't think any of us recommend staying close with him. I think if she asks herself deep down what the answer is with this guy. "Is he bullsh*ting, is staying friends the best thing with this particular one, etc", SHE is the one that knows the answer. For the record, I actually know a few people who stayed close to the not ready person and that worked out. I wouldn't tell her to do that though. He may exactly fall for another woman when he is ready. That's why she shouldn't be around right now picking up the pieces for him and acting like a doormat. That's a likely fail for getting what she wants. My biggest point is that to those saying when a person says they are not ready means the other person hasn't met the mark in their eyes. Maybe people are watching too many romantic comedies where love conquers all and somehow everything is perfect. Not in real life. In real life, especially with guys I think, they have to get their mojo back after a breakup. Some do it through picking some girl to be a rebound, others take time--such as this guy. There is no guarantee either way that she will be who he wants when he sorts himself out. I just don't think she should shut the door completely if she believes him to be honest about it. He doesn't know what will happen down the road, either does she. A lot of the advice on here is just to throw people away like if they don't present themselves perfectly, there's some god waiting behind door number 3. That just isn't the way it works. I have no problem being the one to stand up for the other side of the coin. Anyway, to the OP, same prescription from varying POV's. Take it for what you will. Distance yourself. Date others. Put yourself first. (*from the positive perspective, don't completely shut the guy out, who knows what will happen down the road. Unless he's a big fat liar, I don't really think someone should be punished for telling you the truth. Distance yourself because no matter what you love yourself the most). Good luck
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Easier said than done, but I really think the smartest move in a case like that is let him go for now but tell him once he's ready to really date, give you a call. I mean, you don't want to settle into friendzone or being like a mother figure comforting him. Contrary to popular belief, many men do have actual memories and might remember you once their head is out of the fog. 1
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