Why do you go with MM

March 21, 2015

I have to ask why do you go with MM? I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for over a year. I wonder why any women would want to be put 2nd in any relationship.

March 21, 2015

It's because they were never worth being number one in the first place. If he really wanted them and only them he would have left to be only with them.

Hopefully you kicked your husband out.

March 21, 2015

I have to ask why do you go with MM? I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for over a year. I wonder why any women would want to be put 2nd in any relationship.

Chances are your husband's OW was led to believe that your marriage wasn't good and you two were on the verge of divorcing. Many MM and MW exaggerate their home life, rewrite marital history to suit them in the best possible light in the eyes of the OW/OM.

Question really should be why did your husband choose to cheat on you and have an affair? Those are the answers you need. Either something is broken inside of him or he feels entitled to do as he pleases behind your back.

Yes, the OW is partially responsible for having an affair with your husband but your H is the one obligated and committed to you.

March 21, 2015

I have to ask why do you go with MM? I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for over a year. I wonder why any women would want to be put 2nd in any relationship.

I believe that many of those women in that situation won't allow themselves to believe they are second or on the side. They believe they are or deserve to be his primary relationship. They often believe they have a special bond and share an amazing love that there is no way that he doesn't feel the same. They believe this even after he makes it as clear as it can be made that she will not replace his wife. Not to mention, your husband likely lied his azz off.

With that said, she isn't your problem. He is.

March 21, 2015

Clay, I did kick him out. We are going to counseling. I am beside myself. I can't believe he did this to me, us, or marriage. Believe me I knew we had problems but I never thought he would cheat.

Edited March 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 21, 2015

I am a BS also and I understand that you are hurting. I felt exactly like you for a couple years.

I have read these forums for quite some time and I have yet to see an OW that was just out to have an affair with a MM. Most are lied to or mislead, The MM will say they have a rocky marriage , live like roommates, are seperated, etc. They don't feel the like they are in second. Some do as time passes but not in the beginning.

While it is understandable to be angry at the OW in your case, these OW here are not her. You can learn much from them but not by name calling.

I am sorry you are hurting.

March 21, 2015

I am a BS also and I understand that you are hurting. I felt exactly like you for a couple years.
I have read these forums for quite some time and I have yet to see an OW that was just out to have an affair with a MM. Most are lied to or mislead, The MM will say they have a rocky marriage , live like roommates, are seperated, etc. They don't feel the like they are in second. Some do as time passes but not in the beginning.
While it is understandable to be angry at the OW in your case, these OW here are not her. You can learn much from them but not by name calling.
I am sorry you are hurting.

Any suggestion how to get through this pain and betrayal feeling I have. I can't believe he did this. I want to forgive but I am finding it harder every day.

March 21, 2015

If he really wanted them and only them he would have left to be only with them.

If he really loved his wife and only his wife, he wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

Since we're being overly simplistic we might as well state both sides.

I4givehim, as for your question. Despite the overt generalizations you have read here already from people who have actually never been in those shoes, the fact is that there are as many answers to your question as there are affairs. We don't know if your husband loves you or not. Maybe he loves you and wanted sex on the side. Maybe he fell out of love, wants out of the marriage, and fell in love with someone else. Maybe she fell in love with him as well. Not all married people in affairs treat their affair partner as second priority. Some do, but not all.

So your question is impossible to answer without generalizing, which is never correct.

Edited March 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed inappropiate comment on username

March 21, 2015

Wow OP. Sounds like this is all very new and raw for you. If you read around on this board, and the infidelity one as well you'll find LOTS of stories with similar pain, from all perspectives. Sorry you're hurting.

It might help the LSers to give you their perspectives if you post a little more detail about your particular story. And yes, nix the name calling if you want actual meaningful and respectful discourse.

March 21, 2015

I have to ask why do you go with MM? I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for over a year. I wonder why any women would want to be put 2nd in any relationship.

You have a valid question, so don't allow anyone to bully you. I have thought the same thing many times "how and why does an AP allow themselves to become so deeply involved with someone elses spouse" I get the struggle ONCE they have become emotionally involved, getting there is where I have trouble.

Maybe you should stay away from flaming with the nasty words, but your question is valid. Also we've had many OW here blast the MM's wife with much worse.

March 21, 2015

The few women I've known personally who were other women ( except for one of them...she was a real piece of work and preferred married men) didn't sit around thinking how great it would be to get involved with someone else's husband.

They met a guy, sometimes he lied to them and said he was single or separated, so they thought there was no wife to betray. In other cases, they admitted they had made some poor choices because they had let their emotional side overrule their logical side. They played a form of mind games with themselves, until they began to believe the wife at home must be a horrible person and deserved to be cheated on ( usually that only happened if they had a little help from the married man) or they simply pushed her out of their mind.

These other women not bad women. Most of them were really kind, caring and honest people, and in the long run, they really got hurt by the affair, not just having their heart broken but because they acted in a way that went against who they really are as people.

We all make bad choices sometimes, and while this does not excuse affairs or make them okay, it does mean that the women and men who become "others" are not evil or cruel people.

March 21, 2015

Yeah, I've thought a similar thing many times. "how and why does a married person allow themselves to become so deeply involved with someone other than their spouse."

No one said she didn't have a valid question. What was said was that it's impossible to answer with few to no details without generalizing.

March 22, 2015

I find it baffling and ultimately unfair how many women attempt to make the OW a saint who was mislead by a low-life scheming married man, as if she were a child lead by their parent unknowing yet trusting. I know one particular situation where the OW knew the man was married and continued to pursue him until she had him in her bed.

She told him she would never want to meet his wife, I guess that was her way of not realizing that there was a red blooded human being with feelings that she would be feeling some level of empathy for.

I am not saying that the married man should not feel any guilt or responsibility for the relationship, but to think that the OW was just tricked into this situation is false and naive to say the least.

Some of these women are predators looking for a man who is insecure, and maybe even vulnerable due to issues he might truly have with his spouse. I admit it would have been better for him to attempt to work it out with his wife than to spend energy looking for solace in the arms of a woman who may be just as insecure as he is.

I've done a lot of internet browsing on this subject and found that there is an abundance of sympathy for the OW, articles stating that she is the victim, as I said before not all women are fooled by the status of the MM. I feel in some cases it might be true, yet there are cases where many of these women have personality disorders. Narcissistic issues such as HPD, BPD and various other mental issues and insecure personalities.

This situation is much to involved and complicated to be pointing fingers and saying its all his or her fault. JMHO.

March 22, 2015

I find it baffling and ultimately unfair how many women attempt to make the OW a saint who was mislead by a low-life scheming married man, as if she were a child lead by their parent unknowing yet trusting. I know one particular situation where the OW knew the man was married and continued to pursue him until she had him in her bed.

She told him she would never want to meet his wife, I guess that was her way of not realizing that there was a red blooded human being with feelings that she would be feeling some level of empathy for.

I am not saying that the married man should not feel any guilt or responsibility for the relationship, but to think that the OW was just tricked into this situation is false and naive to say the least.

Some of these women are predators looking for a man who is insecure, and maybe even vulnerable due to issues he might truly have with his spouse. I admit it would have been better for him to attempt to work it out with his wife than to spend energy looking for solace in the arms of a woman who may be just as insecure as he is.

I've done a lot of internet browsing on this subject and found that there is an abundance of sympathy for the OW, articles stating that she is the victim, as I said before not all women are fooled by the status of the MM. I feel in some cases it might be true, yet there are cases where many of these women have personality disorders. Narcissistic issues such as HPD, BPD and various other mental issues and insecure personalities.

This situation is much to involved and complicated to be pointing fingers and saying its all his or her fault. JMHO.

You are exactly right. The situation is much too involved and complicated to point fingers at anyone.

You are also right that the OW should not get unconditional sympathy or that people should believe she was always 'tricked'. That is not always the case. There are predator OW just like there are predator MM.

I don't think there is any overwhelming amount of support on this forum for OW. I also think that many OW here recognize the role they played and take their share of the blame for the damage they did. But situations are so very different, it's impossible to say anything across the board.

March 22, 2015

Wow OP. Sounds like this is all very new and raw for you. If you read around on this board, and the infidelity one as well you'll find LOTS of stories with similar pain, from all perspectives. Sorry you're hurting.

It might help the LSers to give you their perspectives if you post a little more detail about your particular story. And yes, nix the name calling if you want actual meaningful and respectful discourse.

I'm SORRY if I offended anybody. Yes I am hurt and name calling is not going to take this pain away. Thank you for sharing with me. Maybe one day I will understand why this happened. I thought I was a good wife but I guess I was living in a delusional word.

March 22, 2015

I ask myself that question every day. WHY!!! He said that I was busy working. I wasn't there for
him.

Affairs often start where an opportunity presents itself, this may have been the case with your H.

Some MM/MW seek out affair partners on websites and via personal ads .

Your H should have spoken to you about not being there before he cheated, but please DO NOT let him try and blame you for his inability to remain faithful. That's him not accepting responsibility for his cheating ways and it's all on him. He has to own it.

Remember that you can't control anyone except yourself. Your H made vows that he should honour. Something inside made him feel entitled to have an affair.

Focus on your H. Has he shown remorse or just regret that he was caught? Or did he confess.?

Someone else mentioned this, if you haven't already then start a thread in the 'infidelity ' under marriage and partnerships You'll get a lot of support and good advice to help you try and deal with this.

March 22, 2015

I ask myself that question every day. WHY!!! He said that I was busy working. I wasn't there for
him.

Affairs often start where an opportunity presents itself, this may have been the case with your H.

Some MM/MW seek out affair partners on websites and via personal ads .

Your H should have spoken to you about not being there before he cheated, but please DO NOT let him try and blame you for his inability to remain faithful. That's him not accepting responsibility for his cheating ways and it's all on him. He has to own it.

Remember that you can't control anyone except yourself. Your H made vows that he should honour. Something inside made him feel entitled to have an affair.

Focus on your H. Has he shown remorse or just regret that he was caught? Or did he confess.?

Someone else mentioned this, if you haven't already then start a thread in the 'infidelity ' under marriage and partnerships You'll get a lot of support and good advice to help you try and deal with this.
Thank You for your help. My husband takes full responsibility. He said he doesn't know what came over him. He felt as if I had left him a long time ago. I am will never look at him the same way again. I will never trust him. The spark is gone. I hope this counselor we are seeing can do miracles.

March 22, 2015

I ask myself that question every day. WHY!!! He said that I was busy working. I wasn't there for him.

Was he there for you?

March 22, 2015

There are women here who aren't lied to...they knowingly and willingly enter into an affair...I just read a thread here about a woman who is playing flirty games with a MM. So, yes there are women who are lied to, told the MM is divorced or separated, but there are plenty of others who know the dude is married and yet choose to be a mistress...some are promised nothing more than sex and some are future faked.

One thing everyone can agree on...it is NEVER the betrayed spouses "fault" their partnered cheated. It disgusts me when people imply it is the betrayed spouses fault. That is so wrong and such a crappy thing to say, especially when the betrayed person just discovered the affair. Totally uncool. It also amazes me when the affair partner is bewildered or pissy that a betrayed spouse is upset or hurt. What in the world did the affair partner think the betrayed would feel? Happiness to know their health has been put at risk? Happiness that they have been lied to? Happiness that their world is imploding? Just like the anger and sadness an affair partner feels when they find out they have been lied to...even though they sometimes knew full well the cheater was married. They still hurt and feel broken hearted.

Give the OP some time to process what she has discovered. Did she post in the wrong forum? Maybe, but the mods will move it if they feel it is appropriate to be in this one or in infidelity. I don't think its right to slam her for posting in OW/OM ...she may not know any better or she may want to hear from the affair partners why they get involved with married people. It's not a bad question.

March 22, 2015

Thank You for your help. My husband takes full responsibility. He said he doesn't know what came over him. He felt as if I had left him a long time ago. I am will never look at him the same way again. I will never trust him. The spark is gone. I hope this counselor we are seeing can do miracles.

Your husband's decision to cheat (and it's all on HIM) does not mean you were not a good wife. Cheating is not the way to deal with problems in a marriage. You didn't do that, right?

It sounds as if he is remorseful, at least from what you say. It's still very fresh and new to you, so I would give it time with the counselor. Good people do make very bad decisions.

March 22, 2015

Was he there for you?

Good question.

NO!!!! Not at all. I informed him of this also. If he had put more effort into our marriage as he did in lying and betraying me with this OW we would have had a great marriage. I have yelled, screamed, kicked him out ect... BUT I still love him. How do you stop loving? He wont leave he wants to fix our marriage. I told him he is a day late and a dollar short. If anybody has any suggestion for what I should do please HELP ME. Thank You....

March 22, 2015

There is no time line on healing and moving forward.

You have to let yourself go through the emotions. Don't let him demand that you 'get over it' nor down play HIS role in this. HE made the choice to seek out a woman to have an affair with. HE was the one married to you. You can feel whatever you want about the OW; but she isn't who you are living with and are married to. HE is.

Let yourself feel what you are feeling. Time is the only thing that will heal you. It may take weeks/months/years...and you may never again trust him or feel 'safe' with him. And that's okay. Just don't rush yourself or feel that you must be 'over it' by next month. What HE did is wrong on every level and if HE can't or won't let you work this out in your own time, then HE isn't worth your love.

Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

March 22, 2015

OP

On your question of why. I find there is quite a difference between the single OW (SOW) and the married OW (MOW ). I never realised that there were quite so many MOW out there.

Some MOW are just looking for fun. Some are in unhappy marriages and some say they have happy marriages but the affair 'just happened ' . The MOW probably doesn't feel like # 2 for obvious reasons.

In the case of the SOW, some didn't know he was a MM. This happened to me (long ago) although the guy wasn't married, the minute I found out he had a long term GF, I was done. I will never knowingly share a man. He was a deceitful fool and no amount of love would keep me a man like that. Wasting any more time with him would make me a fool.

Most SOW know from the beginning he is a MM and some keep thinking the MM will leave his wife, because he may have lied and future faked.

Others think they are getting so close and have become soul mates, so even if he doesn't say he'll leave, they hope he will because his actions and affection towards her feel genuine.

Many come to the realisation that he isn't leaving, whether he says it's because of kids /finances or anything else, but have become so emotionally attached, they can't walk away. They'd rather have a little piece of him, than nothing at all. I don't often see the OW give much thought to the betrayed spouse.

Some OW don't believe they are doing anything wrong, as they aren't the ones breaking the vows. Just like the cheating husband, they rationalise their actions as a coping mechanism because nobody wants to think of themselves as a bad person.

They say love makes you do crazy things, but I struggle with how the OW stays in that role for years on end in many cases wasting her fertile years.

Many betrayed spouses say their WS and the AP/ OW are selfish. I was thinking about this earlier and I don't think the SOW really is selfish at all, because if she was, she wouldn't be in a secret relationship where she shared a man and had such a small percentage of him.

March 22, 2015

I strongly suggest you post on the infidelity forum. The people on their have been thru what you are going through, they can help you.

March 22, 2015

I strongly suggest you post on the infidelity forum. The people on their have been thru what you are going through, they can help you.

Thank you for your help. I have posted elsewhere. I am sorry if I offended anybody. I was only trying to understand. Also I want women to know they deserve better then to be 2nd choice. Women should stick together and have each others back instead of stabbing each other in the back by sleeping with their husband/boyfriend. Thanks

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