"Men dont like big personalities. You scare them away."

[contact1]

For instance, I work in the tourism industry. Many people ask about dolphin tours. "We don't have any affiliation with dolphin tours. We don't support it." Why not, they ask me. I give them the entire reason, the slaughtering, the captivity, the poor treatment and starvation.

 

"You're too honest, you can't tell tourists that." Umm... why the hell not?

 

LOL omg I would probably be dying laughing if I had a tour guide telling this to a group of people. Not because of the dolphin thing, that in itself is awful, but because of the reaction of the people, I'm sure most would not be comfortable hearing it and would rather live in the fantasy bubble of all dolphin being cute and cuddly living happy lives.

 

Hope, like Buddist said, there are men out there who would love a woman like yourself, I'm an example of one of them. I much prefer someone that is vocal and has a real grasp of what the world is like, with a point of view, instead of just trying to play "nice" for the sake of people who seem to be too sensitive to the truth.

 

Oh and Elaine, that video cracked me up so much :lmao:

 

wait... who here among the females has a kitten??? admit it!!!

[Phoe]

wait... who here among the females has a kitten??? admit it!!!

 

*raises hand while smiling sweetly*

[Anderlie]

So how many of your friends have told you that you have a big personality and are intimidating?

[Gary S]

All I'm going to say is, men are not intimidated by beautiful women... in fact, they are attracted to them.

 

However, men are turned off by high maintenance women.

[BluEyeL]

I don't know... since I don't know you I have no idea what specific advice to give. It's all dandy and cool not to adopt social norms and be your rebellious self, but I'm results oriented, and realistically, dating requires a certain behavior at first. That is if you want to keep a man long enough for him to get to know who you are.

 

When you go on the first few dates make sure you do not give the man any advice, do not engage in any confrontation, do not speak so much that he can't get a word in edgewise, make strong eye contact, smile, ask questions, compliment him some, and keep your sentences short and simple. No rambling stories. First dates are not the appropriate time to show strong opinions. You could do that later, when he already knows you well and knows you're a nice girl. Because otherwise, before the man knows you, they can misinterpret you as abrasive or overall unpleasant.

 

In my experience, I also noticed that when I was more loud and happy, I didn't get a follow up date. I had 100% succes rate when I kept myself a bit more reserved. When I did the mwahahaha, for some reason, they didn't really like it. So I only did that when I didn't like the guy and I was like, I don't give a crap! Now I'm in a relationship and I am mwahahaha and debate stuff too, but not on the first dates with my boyrfriend. I was still myself but there are appropriate behaviors for each dating stage and what is great now, wouldn't have been as grand in the beginning. He also didn't pinch my arse in the beginning, so we're cool

[Mjm1014]

Um no. I wish the girls I dated had great personalities. Sadly I have her to find one that had a good one. Don't listen to those people if you want to be a catch!

[Ninjainpajamas]

You know...whenever I hear things like "men can't handle me"..."I intimidate men because I'm too much for them"....it always makes me think of some loud mouthed girl with a Jersey accent, wearing Jean shorts and flip flops, with a strong opinion, irrational mind, fiery attitude and only tends to care about how she feels...she lacks class, sensitivity, self awareness and respect for others...yet paints all of her negatives and annoyances biasedly into positives and wants a punching bag for a partner that accepts and enables her diva attitude. And it's like crocodiles tears and always playing the victim role, and acts like the world is cruel to her and she's so misunderstood...all the while she treats everyone like a b!tch that she doesn't care about anyone she doesn't know or who she's not trying to currently sleep with.

 

All in the name of keeping it real, and being who she is and she shouldn't have to change for nobody.

 

I highly doubt you're to that extreme but saying you have a big "personality" therefore you are "intimidating" men, is just the way you're telling the story...we have no idea how you act, behave nor your attitude. You could very well just be rude, obnoxious, inappropriate, or annoying...maybe that's why men don't want to date you. But hey, let's not take any feedback, that would ruin your already perfect attitude...you couldn't be wrong...no no that's just your....personality, not convenient for you to say at all.

 

And if you have a problem with keeping yourself in line on the job or cannot simply avoid going into gruesome detail that makes people uncomfortable and unhappy and not feel very helped in the end...then maybe you should get a different job...sell crackers or free range chicken. You're not helping and just making yourself look defiant.

 

Because trust me, you wouldn't want to get in a boxing match of words with someone like me, because I will crush you following your very own rules and make you feel like utter crap...does that make it right? Does that mean I'm just reflecting and representing my "big" personality?

 

Think about the way you make people feel, think about what they have to say in response to you behavior...do you want to make people feel that way? not just consider what you think from your own perspective.

 

If you are having a consistent problem...then consider what people are trying to tell you rather than take something they say defensively and as criticism...and then come here and tell everyone youve just got a big personality.

 

I'm one of the biggest rebels there is when it comes to pretty much anything in life, but unlike online, in real life I handle things in many different ways and that enables me to build solid relationships with many different people in many different situations when I may not share hardly anything in common with them...you must have self control and respectful etiquette when dealing with others, it's not all just about you.

 

Online, do what the hell you want...nobody knows you here.

[mightycpa]

I'm going to help you. I read your examples. You come across as strident, and a little too strongly opinionated. By that, I mean that you don't seem to allow any room for others' opinions, judging from both your religion and dolphin examples.

 

Opinions about religion are very personal. The way you said it, you are basically invalidating what the other person believes. Two wrongs don't make a right, if you feel your opinion was invalidated. I will tell you that your reasoning is faulty. If people never looked externally, they'd be making stuff up all the time. If you never looked externally for inspiration, you wouldn't be seeking advice on this forum. If you're going to have a strong opinion, it ought to be thoughtful, at least.

 

The dolphin thing is unprofessional. You don't badmouth competitors and you don't badmouth the local attractions to the tourists. You can steer people away from things, but in tourism, your job is to support the entire area, or at least, you fight the things you don't like out of the sight of the tourists.

 

If you were a vegan, would you tell people how horrible it was to go fishing? You can't be an activist against the attractions in your industry. If you feel that strongly about it, you should change jobs.

 

Of course, I've only read a small sample, so I could be wrong, but that's what I got out of what you wrote.

 

Helpful?

Edited March 22, 2015 by mightycpa

[A O]

This the real crux. Those euphemisms for too blunt, too big a personality are social code for....You call out things that everyone understands but are too uncomfortable to actually say. You are breaking our little social rule of nicety and we don't like it.

Uncomfortable or socially aware or even just plain mindful, taker your pick, there are many reasons why people choose the way they behave.

 

What you are encountering is social conditioning more than it is a reflection of you as a person. I know because I frequently transgress the social nicety code and pay for it. I would suggest you are more a rational thinker than a feeler and hence the reason why you don't put a lot of stock in these unspoken social rules. You are probably perfectly polite to people but often transgress the mood in the room by telling it like it is.

Bluntness is a reflection of a person, there is no two ways about. But it doesn't have to be the 'be all and end all' of a person by any means.

 

Don't worry, there will be some men who won't actually care about this at all, and others still you will find you refreshing and hilarious. I tended to date the latter. It's your own choice really, know that if you choose not to be socially conditioned like the others then you will have a smaller dating pool. It's up to you to decide whether or not that's what you want.

To be blunt is a choice, to be courteous is a choice also. Most people are brought up with a reasonable set of manners, or social conditioning as its called here, but how we behave socially is a choice, without doubt.

[neowulf]

Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it?

 

Be who you are. There's no point trying to change to find yourself a man. In the end, no one wants to be loved for what they "pretend" to be.

 

Somewhere out there is a man who will love you for your big, bold personality. Just hang in there.

[Taramere]

Why does context matter though? I feel how I feel regardless of what I'm doing or where I am.

 

But how is honesty unprofessional? It is what it is. I gave a straight answer. Should I have said, "Well it's just not nice"?

 

Well, if you're working in tourism then a big part of your job involves helping people to have a fun, relaxing holiday. If you're helping them to plan a holiday, I think ideally they'll be walking away from your company's sales premises (if that's where you work) filled with happy, optimistic thoughts about a holiday they're really looking forward to. The detailed explanations you've mentioned giving, about dolphin cruelty, might well educate them on an animal rights issue - but I doubt that's the job your employer is paying you to do. It's probably enough to say "unfortunately there are serious animal welfare issues involved in that industry..." and then steer the conversation to happier topics.

 

As to how honesty could come across as unprofessional in that situation....it may well look as though you struggle with boundaries, and part of projecting a professional demeanour involves coming across as being ethical, measured and having boundaries. So while it's professional for a holiday company to refuse to associate itself with an unethical, inhumane organisation...it's not so professional for representatives of the holiday company to send customers away with nightmare visions of what the unethical, inhumane aspects of the industry get up to. If I were working with you and seeing that, I wouldn't describe it as "too honest". I'd be saying "Hopeful, you need to develop better boundaries. We all feel strongly about dolphin welfare, but when you're helping a customer to plan out a holiday, it's not the time for going into that degree of gory detail."

 

Nobody has the monopoly on facts and truth. "Blunt honesty" is probably more often accurately described as "opinionated". Which is fine. Having values, opinions and minds of their own helps to make people interesting and entertaining. To a certain degree, strong opinions open up and promote interesting conversation. When it goes too far, they kill discussion.

 

You don't need to change your temperament. Even if you wanted to, you likely couldn't. Being direct and fairly blunt is part of your personality - and, for the people who like you, it will be part of your charm....but I think helpful and constructive honesty achieves far more than so-called "brutal honesty" does. The latter is often just little more than a ragbag of personal opinion and personal issues being vented under the guise of "brutal honesty". Some of the angrier posts attacking you on this thread have demonstrated that brand of "brutal honesty" pretty well I would say.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Taramere

[Hopeful30]

I'm going to help you. I read your examples. You come across as strident, and a little too strongly opinionated. By that, I mean that you don't seem to allow any room for others' opinions, judging from both your religion and dolphin examples.

 

Opinions about religion are very personal. The way you said it, you are basically invalidating what the other person believes. Two wrongs don't make a right, if you feel your opinion was invalidated. I will tell you that your reasoning is faulty. If people never looked externally, they'd be making stuff up all the time. If you never looked externally for inspiration, you wouldn't be seeking advice on this forum. If you're going to have a strong opinion, it ought to be thoughtful, at least.

 

The dolphin thing is unprofessional. You don't badmouth competitors and you don't badmouth the local attractions to the tourists. You can steer people away from things, but in tourism, your job is to support the entire area, or at least, you fight the things you don't like out of the sight of the tourists.

 

If you were a vegan, would you tell people how horrible it was to go fishing? You can't be an activist against the attractions in your industry. If you feel that strongly about it, you should change jobs.

 

Of course, I've only read a small sample, so I could be wrong, but that's what I got out of what you wrote.

 

Helpful?

 

You're assuming I don't accept other people's opinions just because mine happen to go against theirs. It's not fair to assume I judge people like that. I think that's where people judge me for being "too blunt". I'm not going to shut my mouth just because others don't like what I have to say. That really pisses me off to be honest.

 

And the dolphin example, they ASKED me why not. I didn't just throw information at them for no reason.

[xxoo]

You're assuming I don't accept other people's opinions just because mine happen to go against theirs. It's not fair to assume I judge people like that. I think that's where people judge me for being "too blunt". I'm not going to shut my mouth just because others don't like what I have to say. That really pisses me off to be honest.

 

And the dolphin example, they ASKED me why not. I didn't just throw information at them for no reason.

 

In my job, too, people sometimes ask me questions that require good judgment to answer professionally. Basically, give the least amount of information to answer the question honestly, and redirect. Mention "animal welfare concerns" rather than giving all the details. If they press for more, say that much has been written about it and they should look it up if they are interested.

 

Outside work, of course you can be as detailed as you wish to support the welfare of the dolphins. Still, a first date probably isn't the place to get into that. Nor is a family holiday dinner, or a playground surrounded by children. This is part of tact: having the judgment to adjust conversation to the situation. There is a time and place for being blunt, and a time and place for biting your tongue. That's balance.

[Hopeful30]

Can you give examples of too honest, too forward, too blunt?

 

In my job, too, people sometimes ask me questions that require good judgment to answer professionally. Basically, give the least amount of information to answer the question honestly, and redirect. Mention "animal welfare concerns" rather than giving all the details. If they press for more, say that much has been written about it and they should look it up if they are interested.

 

Outside work, of course you can be as detailed as you wish to support the welfare of the dolphins. Still, a first date probably isn't the place to get into that. Nor is a family holiday dinner, or a playground surrounded by children. This is part of tact: having the judgment to adjust conversation to the situation. There is a time and place for being blunt, and a time and place for biting your tongue. That's balance.

 

Again, youre assuming im inappropriate in most situations, but im really not. Maybe once or twice before sure, im human, but ive never been told ive offended anyone or been inappropriate at work. Ive never ever had problems at work actually, nor had any warnings from superiors or colleagues who may or may not have been present at the time. Im quite professional I assure you.

 

In any case, we are slightly off topic. I want to explore how this affects my dating life, because thats where im having the issue.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Hopeful30

[Revolver]

A lot of women come off too masculine with their personalities and its a turn off.

[katiegrl]

A lot of women come off too masculine with their personalities and its a turn off.

 

Not if they have a voice as soft as a kitten...a body like Venus de Milo...eyes as big and blue as the sky on a bright sunny day.....and are as submissive, responsive and passionate in bed as any man could ever wish and hope a woman could be...

 

Just sayin.... ;)

[carhill]

Inspired by the OP, I went off on a little adventure last night and came back with a quote which I think describes the balance I had alluded to prior, this from one of the top aviators in the world today, who happens to be a woman:

 

"First of all, a woman has to be feminine, soft, and charming but, at the same time, she has to be able to stop a running horse and enter a burning house, as we say in Russia. She's got to be tough, basically"

 

The quote is contained in

, where most of the focus is on the person and her views. Later on in the interview, watch how she gets her points across about the (Russian) government and also talks about her family, her husband and children. This, in 2011, from a woman who was decorated personally by Vladamir Putin a couple months ago for her contributions to Russian aviation.

 

Her flying skills (what I spent most of my time on) aren't really germane to the topic but her success in what is predominantly a man's world (aerobatics), especially in Russia, and the way she goes about it show that a strong and big personality can be presented in a manner which not only commands respect but also admiration. Her tone and mannerisms, especially at her current age (46) reminded me a lot of the doctor I dated in Ukraine, except Sveta has two young kids and the doctor was already a grandmother. In the latter case, the woman out in public was the woman in private. She didn't 'put on a face' (can't remember the Russian phrase for that). Consistent, authentic and balanced. Passionate, yes, but not dramatic.

 

As another poster mentioned, the OP should be herself and the men who come into her life are those who do. I can certainly get behind that opinion; however, the OP brought the topic to discussion so hopefully has taken away some ideas which may bear fruit for future relations.

 

In my case, the school of hard knocks toughened me up to be 'more of a man', since discussion forums like this didn't exist back when 'women didn't like sympathetic male personalities' and 'saw them as weak', hence brutal life experience replaced discussion and lessons were learned that way. Life teaches, one way or another. Good luck and may god be beneath your wings.

[katiegrl]

Steve Harvey wrote a great and funny book -- "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man."

 

A must read!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

*raises hand while smiling sweetly*

 

 

<swoons >