alphamale Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I like making people feel comfortable and relaxed. you would make a good massage therapist
ThaWholigan Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I think having a propensity for outspokenness is always going to be a somewhat divisive characteristic but I don't think it will scare too many men away. It just depends on how well you express other characteristics that can balance that out, and then you should be fine overall. There are men out there who dislike a woman they deem as confrontational of course - if you feel you are unnecessarily so, then perhaps it's a good idea to examine your own behaviors objectively (but it's probably wise to do that anyway ). It wouldn't phase me, as a man. I've dealt with (and been attracted to) feisty women most of my life - it's par for the course with me . 1
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 But tact can be useful. This is the advice that the OP needs.
BluEyeL Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I had an acquaintance who would say that about men and say she won't date because men won't handle her. The truth is, she was extremely aggressive, talked incessantly, gave everyone unsolicited advice, was a know it all, arrogant...overall really not appearing too nice at all. Common male acquaintances made observations in my presence as to she's not too bad looking, but what man would like to come home to that? Check to make sure you don't come across like that. Men like women who are independent and have opinions, but who are also nice and warm. Edited March 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 This is the advice that the OP needs. smackie with respect, all the OP has said is that she has a big personality and been told she is too honest, forward and blunt. From that you assert she is obnoxious, unattractive, annoying, tactless and are in agreement with Gary that she is a narcissist and a divorce statistic waiting to happen. WTF! Would you kindly explain where these over-the-top assumptions you're making come from? Personal experience perhaps? Projecting? Because, frankly, if you were to check Webster's for the definition of those four words, there is nothing even remotely resembling the adjectives you have ascribed to her. 5
xxoo Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. Getting back to these, I definitely think it is possible for a person (woman or man) to be too all of these. This is why I asked for examples, to see what sort of thing they are labeling as "too much". Maybe they're wrong. If it's a lot of people from different groups, there is probably something to it. Context matters. People here are being blunt in response to a stated question, answering the question in the clearest way they can. In another context, if no one asked my opinion of their marriage, their career, their wardrobe, etc, it's "too honest, too forward, and too blunt" for me to inject my personal opinions. 3
Weezy1973 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I have [random characteristic 'A'] that every member of the opposite sex hates and that's why I'm unsuccessful with dating. Every post on LoveShack ever since the beginning of ever. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) Honesty is a virtue, there are ways to put things and still be honest......you should not change your personality at all but just adjust your communication style to suit the individual you are talking to...some people or guys can take harsh or blunt communication and some guys cant......you have to show your soft side too...because at heart level we are all soft.....doesn't matter if you hide it the majority of the time but you need to be able to show how you feel when you love someone or are starting to care for someone...and hiding that soft side you possess all the time preferring to communicate in a harsh manner is avoidance.....it is protection a little isnt it?....its guarded even if you are beign honest....show your vulnerability as much as you dont show it...to peopke who count love is never harsh or blunt or unforgiving or stubborn...it is soft fragile vulnerable and often confused......the glory of love is not having any control, it is showing your vulnerability.....and love can be as honest and real as any other communication style...your words are still the same but the delivery is different...good luck...hugs....deb Edited March 21, 2015 by todreaminblue
A O Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it? I believe that if someone needs to use the term 'intimidate' then intimidation is exactly what they're looking for. Diplomacy goes a long way and the near absolute lack thereof will turn both guys and girls away. Big personalties are fantastic for many people, but again, personality without diplomacy will negate rather than enhance said personality.
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Hopeful, if you are still reading this thread, could you come back and explain who these people are who are telling you this? And give examples as to how, and in what context, you are being too honest, forward and blunt? There are ALOT of over-the-top assumptions being made about you here, so if you could come back with more detail... it would be helpful! 1
regine_phalange Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Why do you care? There are many men with "abnormal" taste in women. These are the men you (we) want. For instance guys with a slave fetish would go crazy over you.
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Can you give examples of too honest, too forward, too blunt? For instance if a man has an opinion about something I strongly disagree with, I would say so. "I don't agree with that. I personally think that XYZ because I feel that XYZ." Usually I say things most people are thinking but no one wants to talk about. "You're too blunt," they tell me, because apparently you need to sugar coat some truths so others can handle them better. I don't have energy for that. I try to put it nicely of course, I don't want to offend anyone, but if I think certain things are okay or not okay, I will say so. I don't like to conform just for the sake of conforming, and I honestly believe that my opinions are just as valid as anyone else's. An extreme example being religion. Some people can say it helps the human spirit grow, but I would voice that no, it's detrimental because they want you to look outside of yourself for answers, when I believe it's inside that we need to focus on, and not an external thing to depend on to make ourselves better. Both Phoe and DoesntGetIt brought up a great point about balance. That is great advice. Like I said, I know that when I'm going to be around introverted people I need to adjust my 'outspoken' meter to fit whatever the situation is so that everyone is comfortable. Yet, when I'm around friends and family who know me, I can be myself 100%. It's hard for me not to be myself, even around people I barely now. I am quieter, yes. I won't be as "WHOA HERE I AM". But I will still speak up if I am asked an opinion, or if I am uncomfortable with someone's actions. For instance, I work in the tourism industry. Many people ask about dolphin tours. "We don't have any affiliation with dolphin tours. We don't support it." Why not, they ask me. I give them the entire reason, the slaughtering, the captivity, the poor treatment and starvation. "You're too honest, you can't tell tourists that." Umm... why the hell not? I've always been known as the woman who is blunt, honest and extremely forward. But I'm not like that around people I don't know well. I am usually very sweet and kind around them. Around the people I know well, I am very blunt and honest. To be honest if a man can't deal with that, that's not my problem. I wouldn't change my personality for anyone. Thankfully my current boyfriend loves that I'm opinionated, honest and very forward. He likes that I'll call him on his crap. He likes that I challenge him. We balance each other out. He's more quiet and reserved. Any more of those where he came from? lol I had an acquaintance who would say that about men and say she won't date because men won't handle her. The truth is, she was extremely aggressive, talked incessantly, gave everyone unsolicited advice, was a know it all, arrogant...overall really not appearing too nice at all. Common male acquaintances made observations in my presence as to she's not too bad looking, but what man would like to come home to that? Check to make sure you don't come across like that. Men like women who are independent and have opinions, but who are also nice and warm. I feel that I am well balanced. I have my bad days, but I'm still sensitive inside, I cry alot (not in front of others) and I have never been mean to any of the men I have dated. I hate cooking, for example, but I cook for them anyways because they have long days and are hungry. I cuddle with them because I want warmth, and I love being affectionate. But at the same time, I have opinions, I will speak up, and yes, sometimes I can be loud and perhaps laugh a little too "mwahaha" when someone says something funny or interesting. smackie with respect, all the OP has said is that she has a big personality and been told she is too honest, forward and blunt. From that you assert she is obnoxious, unattractive, annoying, tactless and are in agreement with Gary that she is a narcissist and a divorce statistic waiting to happen. WTF! Would you kindly explain where these over-the-top assumptions you're making come from? Personal experience perhaps? Projecting? Because, frankly, if you were to check Webster's for the definition of those four words, there is nothing even remotely resembling the adjectives you have ascribed to her. THANK U!!!!! Why do you care? There are many men with "abnormal" taste in women. These are the men you (we) want. For instance guys with a slave fetish would go crazy over you. I care because men are afraid to approach me, and I want to work on myself to improve the traits that may potentially be hindering my chances of finding a good man. I need love too lol Edited March 22, 2015 by Hopeful30 1
Imported Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I know a girl that if I were trying to be nice, I'd tell her she was too honest, too forward and too blunt. In truth, she is too inconsiderate, too pig headed and too rude. Like, there are many ways to do something, however if you don't do it her way....you're stupid and she will tell you that.
writergal Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Hopeful30; I don't think you need to change anything about yourself to attract men. The two examples that you provided about how you respond to people, show you to be a completely normal person...nothing like the person that Gary S and smackie9 described. The complete opposite, as a matter of fact. I try to put it nicely of course, I don't want to offend anyone, but if I think certain things are okay or not okay, I will say so. I don't like to conform just for the sake of conforming, and I honestly believe that my opinions are just as valid as anyone else's. You are not a narcissist, you do not have a personality disorder, you are not annoying, and you are not going to be a divorce statistic. Now that we've cleared that up, I agree with you that your opinions are just as valid as anyone's. Whoever is telling you that you're too blunt, well, that's just their opinion. In another thread here, I suggested to the OP not to take to heart other people's opinions as the 'end all be all truth' about the OP. In other words, try not to internalize other people's subjective judgement of you, as a self-critique. Basically, don't take it so personally. Don't change yourself to please others. Ever hear this phrase, "you can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people, all of the time." Try to remember that phrase. It's so true. It's a reminder not to give up yourself to please other people, but to stay true to yourself always, no matter what people think of you. So, whoever is telling you that you're too blunt, well, that's just their opinion. It's not necessarily true. It's just how they experience you. Other people may not experience you as blunt like that person does. And why does their opinion of you matter so much? The only person who has power over you, is you. Don't give away your power. Don't let other people's opinions of you dictate how you feel about yourself. And, I see nothing wrong with honestly answering tourists questions about why your company doesn't offer dolphin tours. It's the truth and it's your opinion which is fine. Did your boss make that comment to you, that you can't give tourists the facts about dolphin slaughters, etc.? I can see where you're coming from. Why shouldn't people know the truth. That said, I can see your boss' side too (if that comment did come from your boss). Your boss probably wants you to separate fact from opinion, maybe when you explain to tourists why your company doesn't offer dolphin tours. Maybe just keep it short and sweet, "We don't offer dolphin tours." The customer asks "Well, why not?" You could respond with a non-answer like, "We don't offer dolphin tours, but we do offer these services [insert another feature of your tourism company to redirect the customer's attention away from the dolphin tour issue]. Would you like to hear about them? I think you would enjoy [offer a suggestion, again redirecting the tourist's attention away from the dolphin tour issue]." Does that make any sense? As far as working on yourself to attract men who won't think of you as blunt, I think there is nothing wrong with you. I think you either have been dating the wrong type of men, or you are internalizing other people's criticism of your personality as somehow being correct and your own self-perception being wrong. So, reverse that. You know yourself best. You know what your strengths and weaknesses are. You see the world through your own unique lens. Don't change that lens to please someone who will never be pleased, no matter how 'perfect' you think you are for them. Just be yourself. Strengthen your personal boundaries with people, especially men who express an interest in you if you feel like they are judging you for being confident and assertive. Don't let someone put you down for being assertive. Being assertive is a good quality. Having confidence in your beliefs, your opinions, and your values is all good. That doesn't make you a narcissist. People whom you disagree with about religion, about the state of dolphins, will try to push your buttons because they don't respect your opinion. So, the best way to handle those kinds of people, is to let them have their opinion and just agree to disagree. Choose not to engage those people in a discussion, because they are the type who like to argue, who like to antagonize so they can try to undermine the other person's self confidence in order to win the argument, when there is no argument to begin with. Does any of that make any sense?
xxoo Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 For instance if a man has an opinion about something I strongly disagree with, I would say so. "I don't agree with that. I personally think that XYZ because I feel that XYZ." Usually I say things most people are thinking but no one wants to talk about. "You're too blunt," they tell me, because apparently you need to sugar coat some truths so others can handle them better. I don't have energy for that. I try to put it nicely of course, I don't want to offend anyone, but if I think certain things are okay or not okay, I will say so. I don't like to conform just for the sake of conforming, and I honestly believe that my opinions are just as valid as anyone else's. An extreme example being religion. Some people can say it helps the human spirit grow, but I would voice that no, it's detrimental because they want you to look outside of yourself for answers, when I believe it's inside that we need to focus on, and not an external thing to depend on to make ourselves better. In what context does this happen? A date? You say you don't have the energy to sugar coat. I don't even have the energy to debate personal things like religion. It's so personal, what is the point of debating it? In that case, I would interpret it as someone sharing with you what they personally find beneficial about religion. Religion isn't for me, and it isn't for you, but it is for them. In this case, I do think telling them that they are wrong is too much. Who is telling you not to tell the tourists about the gory details of dolphin tourism? Coworkers? You might be coming across as unprofessional, projecting your personal beliefs inappropriately when representing your company. 1
xxoo Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 An extreme example being religion. Some people can say it helps the human spirit grow, but I would voice that no, it's detrimental because they want you to look outside of yourself for answers, when I believe it's inside that we need to focus on, and not an external thing to depend on to make ourselves better. As an example, I would respond to this by saying that I prefer to look within for spiritual growth, rather than depending on an external thing like religion. That is still stating your opinion, and is not sugar coating. It just skips the part that rubs people the wrong way, which is insisting that they are wrong. It's a balance between disagreeing and confrontation. Ask yourself what is more important: the relationship, or changing this person's opinion? 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 In what context does this happen? A date? You say you don't have the energy to sugar coat. I don't even have the energy to debate personal things like religion. It's so personal, what is the point of debating it? In that case, I would interpret it as someone sharing with you what they personally find beneficial about religion. Religion isn't for me, and it isn't for you, but it is for them. In this case, I do think telling them that they are wrong is too much. Who is telling you not to tell the tourists about the gory details of dolphin tourism? Coworkers? You might be coming across as unprofessional, projecting your personal beliefs inappropriately when representing your company. Why does context matter though? I feel how I feel regardless of what I'm doing or where I am. But how is honesty unprofessional? It is what it is. I gave a straight answer. Should I have said, "Well it's just not nice"?
Buddhist Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Usually I say things most people are thinking but no one wants to talk about. This the real crux. Those euphemisms for too blunt, too big a personality are social code for....You call out things that everyone understands but are too uncomfortable to actually say. You are breaking our little social rule of nicety and we don't like it. What you are encountering is social conditioning more than it is a reflection of you as a person. I know because I frequently transgress the social nicety code and pay for it. I would suggest you are more a rational thinker than a feeler and hence the reason why you don't put a lot of stock in these unspoken social rules. You are probably perfectly polite to people but often transgress the mood in the room by telling it like it is. Don't worry, there will be some men who won't actually care about this at all, and others still you will find you refreshing and hilarious. I tended to date the latter. It's your own choice really, know that if you choose not to be socially conditioned like the others then you will have a smaller dating pool. It's up to you to decide whether or not that's what you want. 4
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Don't worry, there will be some men who won't actually care about this at all, and others still you will find you refreshing and hilarious. Where are they? lol
xxoo Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Why does context matter though? I feel how I feel regardless of what I'm doing or where I am. But how is honesty unprofessional? It is what it is. I gave a straight answer. Should I have said, "Well it's just not nice"? You know how, at the beginning of a tv show, if sometimes says something like, "the views expressed be xxxx do not necessarily represent the opinions of xxxx company"? When you are representing your company, avoid controversial topics. making tourists feel bad is bad for business. Speaking badly about an organization while representing your company could even have legal ramifications for your company. 2
Buddhist Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Where are they? lol Wheat from chaff. They are the rare find, but they are out there. Patience, endless patience is necessary. Otherwise you can package yourself down into that little frilly dressed demure thing the chaff typically want. 2
writergal Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 This the real crux. Those euphemisms for too blunt, too big a personality are social code for....You call out things that everyone understands but are too uncomfortable to actually say. You are breaking our little social rule of nicety and we don't like it. What you are encountering is social conditioning more than it is a reflection of you as a person. I know because I frequently transgress the social nicety code and pay for it. I would suggest you are more a rational thinker than a feeler and hence the reason why you don't put a lot of stock in these unspoken social rules. You are probably perfectly polite to people but often transgress the mood in the room by telling it like it is. Don't worry, there will be some men who won't actually care about this at all, and others still you will find you refreshing and hilarious. I tended to date the latter. It's your own choice really, know that if you choose not to be socially conditioned like the others then you will have a smaller dating pool. It's up to you to decide whether or not that's what you want. +10!! You nailed it, Buddhist! Finally! Someone I can 100% agree with. 1
writergal Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 see - Women know your limits! Elaine that is awesome! I love your sense of humor!
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