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Girlfriend wasn't there when I was very sick, should I expect her to be?


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Posted

I agree with you being upset. I would expect more.

Once I was in a relationship that wasn't even so serious and the guy I was seeing got sick. He texted me saying he had been vomiting and couldn't get out of bed. Then I decided to go check on him and bring some medicine.

I know he would be fine without me, but i felt good being able to support someone that I liked and cared.

 

 

If you think about having someone for life these questions are important bc you can see if the person you're with is really ready to be a wife and a mother.

Posted
The main reason was to take me to ER if needed. Secondary things is just showing support and that she actually cares enough to be there. She didn't have to stay up as long as I was up. I asked her to stay over. Your post goes along with her "it's not necessary for me to be there" line. But should this really be about her thinking it's not necessary, or should it be about my perception, given that I'm the one sick here?

 

I don't know, as a grown man I'd think you'd be able to handle this stuff on your own, although I see your point that it'd be nice for your girlfriend to show some kind of support rather than telling you that you're being a baby about it. Maybe if you were a bit more capable of handling these things on your own, she'd be more willing to support you? I know that if I were in your situation that my girlfriend would be on her way over ASAP, but I would never ask her to, and we'd probably argue because I'd rather be alone and handle it myself.

 

It's very possible she is questioning the long term prospects of this relationship because she imagines if you get a more serious illness you will be too much to handle. So I get where you're coming from, but I think it's best that you show your girlfriend that you're an independent capable man rather than wanting her to take care of you.

  • Like 4
Posted
That's so interesting preraph ....my mom was pretty much the same way towards me when I was sick... my mom did the best she could, she just had too many kids, and I am the middle child who often times gets the least amount of attention.

 

Which no doubt explains why I don't want or need anyone around when I am sick ...I tended to myself growing up and that stuck.

 

Ironically though, I DO like to take care of others and when my boyfriend or any friend or family member is sick, I will bend over backwards to help ... whether they ask for help or not.

 

I just don't need that for myself....

 

You had the healthy reaction, which is you understood some sympathy would have been nice when you were sick and are now providing that. He had the unhealthy "repeat the cycle" reaction and inadvertently became like his mother in that regard, but I don't think he was able to put that into perspective until maybe after we'd talked about it that time.

Posted (edited)

OP, weird that some of the comments you quoted in your post no. 21 show as being made by SunnySide, when *I* katiegrl made them....

 

Oh well must be a glitch in the system...

 

Carry on....

Edited by katiegrl
Posted

When my bf caught a cold a few months ago, I went to the grocery store after a long day at work, picked up fresh ingredients and made him chicken soup and brought it over to him that night. I did this bc I love the hell out of him and enjoy caring for him.

 

He never asked me to come over and always says he doesn't need anything when I ask. So, when I did come over he was touched.

 

Honestly though, if he was being needy and whiny...it would turn me off.

 

In any case, you can't make your gf want to be there for you. Either she does or she doesn't. You can express your needs if it's really important to you but if she doesn't respond it's up to you to determine whether that works for you. Arguing the point to death is fruitless.

Posted (edited)
It's a matter of compatibility.

 

 

You expect a SO to behave a certain way in the face of illness / injury. She has a different view. Neither is right or wrong but they don't go together.

 

 

When someone is ill I am right there. If I was as ill as the OP I would want my partner there & if the person I was with couldn't do that for me, I would get a new partner.

 

^^Agree and as I said in a previous post, it's his incessant need to keep harping on this, and expecting her to change ....... rather than accepting that she is just not comfortable in that role just yet and as such letting it go ....that is the REAL issue here.

 

OP, again either stop harping on this and accept and be happy with what she IS capable and desirous of giving you.....OR if it's not enough and you need more, which apparently you do, break up with her and find someone else who can give that to you.

 

Sticking around and harping on her to change... expecting that she "should* change (if she really loves you) is a warped and IMO selfish way to think.

 

It's also an exercise in futility ....if you are not happy and need more than she can give, then just end it.

Edited by katiegrl
Posted

OP, have you heard of manflu? Basically, the perception is that a lot of men tend to get more carried away about medical issues than women do. I'm not saying I agree....but I'm also not saying I disagree. ;)

 

When my partner is sick, he doesn't complain at all. He might mention he doesn't feel well, but then that's it. And that makes me want to take care of him. He's very stoic.

 

On the other hand, I probably would respond the same way your girlfriend did in this situation. I mean, to me, it doesn't sound like a real medical emergency. Now, if she had nothing going on in her life, that might be a different matter.

 

Mind you, this is all just my opinion, but if you can't get past this, find someone who will nurse you back to health whenever you're sick.

Posted
When my bf caught a cold a few months ago, I went to the grocery store after a long day at work, picked up fresh ingredients and made him chicken soup and brought it over to him that night. I did this bc I love the hell out of him and enjoy caring for him.

 

He never asked me to come over and always says he doesn't need anything when I ask. So, when I did come over he was touched.

 

Honestly though, if he was being needy and whiny...it would turn me off.

 

In any case, you can't make your gf want to be there for you. Either she does or she doesn't. You can express your needs if it's really important to you but if she doesn't respond it's up to you to determine whether that works for you. Arguing the point to death is fruitless.

 

 

I don't think the issue here is weather or not the OP really needed his gf to be there for him. It's about showing common courtesy and care. Yes I too would hate it if my partner demand that I go see them when they are ill or if I get the sense that hey are just being needy and pathetic. But equally, if I care about them, and they tell me they are ill, I would go see them without them asking.

 

My ex once had a headache and was in bed. She lived close to me so I phoned her, told her I was coming to see her, she said I didn't need to, I told her if I don't come see her when she's ill, then what's the point of having a partner.... As fate would have it, few days later I had the vomiting sickness, she never offered to come see me, and went further as to refuse to see me the day after even though I have recovered. When we finally met two days later, she refused to kiss me "just in case"!!! For me that was a clear selfish act and a major red flag. Imagine what life would be like with a wife like that?!!! Our relationship ended soon after

Posted

>>Our relationship ended soon after...<<

 

------------------

 

^^As well it should have...since you expected more than she was capable and desirous of giving you.

 

If you were the one to end it, you did the right thing, as opposed to hanging around whining about it and expecting her to change...

Posted

You and her are not compatible. You need to cut the mommy cord and learn to be more self sufficient. Then you can be a good boyfriend to a chick.

 

Spend about three years in Alaska alone in a cabin. You won't "need" anyone after that.

 

Women can't handle men who complain. It's their job to do the complaining...our job to sit there and listen and say "I understand". Until you learn this you won't be ready for a heavy relationship.

  • Like 1
Posted

It takes a lot for me to even go to the ER, even considering my health issues. I'm an independent woman and since my boyfriend lives 40 minutes away and has a full time job, I am not going to insist that he come to the hospital to be with me. Unless I was actually admitted to a hospital.

 

Now has he offered to come be with me while I'm in the ER? Yes, but I always tell him that he doesn't need to come, and if I'm admitted I'll call him and let him know that. Now part of that is because I have family already with me (I still live at home due to health issues) but another part of it is that I know he's busy and if I tell him not to come he will respect that (even though I know he'll be thinking of me constantly)

 

If he is sick, he'll tell me specifically not to come over because of it. I know that comes out of a sincere concern for my health, so I just keep in contact with him until he is better.

 

If you need to have a woman around when you are sick, then this woman is not the right one for you.

  • Like 1
Posted
You and her are not compatible. You need to cut the mommy cord and learn to be more self sufficient. Then you can be a good boyfriend to a chick.

 

Spend about three years in Alaska alone in a cabin. You won't "need" anyone after that.

 

Women can't handle men who complain. It's their job to do the complaining...our job to sit there and listen and say "I understand". Until you learn this you won't be ready for a heavy relationship.

 

LOL @ "it's the woman's job to complain." Oh man!!!

Posted
I don't think the issue here is weather or not the OP really needed his gf to be there for him. It's about showing common courtesy and care. Yes I too would hate it if my partner demand that I go see them when they are ill or if I get the sense that hey are just being needy and pathetic. But equally, if I care about them, and they tell me they are ill, I would go see them without them asking.

 

My ex once had a headache and was in bed. She lived close to me so I phoned her, told her I was coming to see her, she said I didn't need to, I told her if I don't come see her when she's ill, then what's the point of having a partner.... As fate would have it, few days later I had the vomiting sickness, she never offered to come see me, and went further as to refuse to see me the day after even though I have recovered. When we finally met two days later, she refused to kiss me "just in case"!!! For me that was a clear selfish act and a major red flag. Imagine what life would be like with a wife like that?!!! Our relationship ended soon after

 

 

Really? I wouldn't kiss you either "just in case"!! Geez people, why do you not care about your significant other catching it?? It's not like you had the sniffles...Puking is much worse IMO.

  • Like 2
Posted

My mom got angry with me one time when I was in bed with the flu all day and couldn't help her with something. :p So I'm kind of fond of insensitive women. So gross if a girl insists on coming over when I'm sick.

 

Get a nursemaid if you want but women like that are so much sexier.

Posted

she is your GF not your nurse...

 

If it was some ailment that was bad.. say you had surgery and had a new knee put in and she never pampered you and left you alone for a week then you might have a point but vomiting sick for 24 hrs or so.. no way.. who wants to be around that ?

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
Really? I wouldn't kiss you either "just in case"!! Geez people, why do you not care about your significant other catching it?? It's not like you had the sniffles...Puking is much worse IMO.

 

Totally agree... which is why the OP's attitude is not only needy IMO, but also very selfish.

 

He *could* have had the stomach flu that happened to come on a few hours after he ate the pea salad. So he assumed it was good poisoning.

 

That's happened to me. In fact, it's the reason I can't eat strawberries! Got a super bad stomach virus a few hours after eating them and thought that was why I got sick....when what it actually was was a bad stomach flu. Still can't eat strawberries though!

 

Food poisoning doesn't hit a person's system until 12-14 hours after eating the bad food. So it's *possible* he had the stomach flu.... which is very contagious!

 

But apparently HIS need to be taken care of took precedent over possibly exposing his girlfriend to the flu.

 

Nice guy!!

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 3
Posted
Really? I wouldn't kiss you either "just in case"!! Geez people, why do you not care about your significant other catching it?? It's not like you had the sniffles...Puking is much worse IMO.

 

Nothing to do with being selfish. I wouldn't have wanted to kiss her myself. I never asked her to come visit me when am ill, or to kiss me, but she went out of her way to keep me at an arms length.

There is that element of "in sickness and in health". What would it be like living with a girl like this? Sharing the same bed? Would I have to go sleep on the couch when I get the flu?

Posted
Nothing to do with being selfish. I wouldn't have wanted to kiss her myself. I never asked her to come visit me when am ill, or to kiss me, but she went out of her way to keep me at an arms length.

There is that element of "in sickness and in health". What would it be like living with a girl like this? Sharing the same bed? Would I have to go sleep on the couch when I get the flu?

 

Bad comparison. "In sickness and in health" is a *marriage" vow. They are dating!

 

Big difference!

Posted (edited)
Bad comparison. "In sickness and in health" is a *marriage" vow. They are dating!

 

Big difference!

 

Dating is a window as to what things will be like. . If they can't do it now, what makes you think that things would change later... Wishful thinking?

 

I personally can't do "cold" relationships, being of Mediterranean origin and all. I like being close to my partner. Even when my ex had the flu, I would hug her and be close to her within reason as to not make her feel neglected at a time of need. I guess we all have different needs, each to their own

Edited by Eaglestar83
Posted

I totally get everyone's argument. I agree it's about compatibility. I doubt your GF is going to change her attitude about this type of thing. So you are kind of at an empass....to stay with her or not stay with her....I truly believe this incident is an eye opener to how serious she is about your relationship, and what matters to you.

 

It may not be something to breakup over now, but in time other things like this will prove she isn't compassionate towards you, like you would expect from a partner. So don't over look this when considering living together/marriage.

  • Like 2
Posted
Dating is a window as to what things will be like. . If they can't do it now, what makes you think that things would change later... Wishful thinking?

 

I personally can't do "cold" relationships, being of Mediterranean origin and all. I like being close to my partner. Even when my ex had the flu, I would hug her and be close to her within reason as to not make her feel neglected at a time of need. I guess we all have different needs, each to their own

 

Have you been reading my posts? I don't think things will change which is why I suggested he break up with her!

 

He needs more than she's capable or desirous of giving, and like you said, it's doubtful that will ever change.

 

So end it! That's what I've been saying all along.

 

Different strokes and all that...

Posted
I totally get everyone's argument. I agree it's about compatibility. I doubt your GF is going to change her attitude about this type of thing. So you are kind of at an empass....to stay with her or not stay with her....I truly believe this incident is an eye opener to how serious she is about your relationship, and what matters to you.

 

It may not be something to breakup over now, but in time other things like this will prove she isn't compassionate towards you, like you would expect from a partner. So don't over look this when considering living together/marriage.

 

 

Totally agree. What you see in somebody during the dating process is what you have to assume is their modus operandé, unless you want to set yourself for a big disappointment later on. My said ex went on as to display many other selfish attributes. Having booked a weekend away for us at a spa hotel and payed for it all myself. She went ahead and booked a spa treatment for herself only. Don't get me wrong, I did not whine about it, I couldn't care less about having a spa treatment, but it all added up....

Posted
Have you been reading my posts? I don't think things will change which is why I suggested he break up with her!

 

He needs more than she's capable or desirous of giving, and like you said, it's doubtful that will ever change.

 

So end it! That's what I've been saying all along.

 

Different strokes and all that...

 

To add -- And what you deem as *cold* might be someone's else's comfort zone.

 

Again, different strokes.

  • Like 1
Posted
Have you been reading my posts? I don't think things will change which is why I suggested he break up with her!

 

He needs more than she's capable or desirous of giving, and like you said, it's doubtful that will ever change.

 

So end it! That's what I've been saying all along.

 

Different strokes and all that...

 

Originally Posted by katiegrl

Bad comparison. "In sickness and in health" is a *marriage" vow. They are dating!

 

Big difference!

 

I have. I just thought that by saying the above, you were implying that whilst dating, partners have no obligation to care for one another as they have not committed yet. And whilst technically that is true, in reality, good relationships sail gradually towards marriage and it's not about signing that piece of paper to say you have committed

Posted
Nothing to do with being selfish. I wouldn't have wanted to kiss her myself. I never asked her to come visit me when am ill, or to kiss me, but she went out of her way to keep me at an arms length.

There is that element of "in sickness and in health". What would it be like living with a girl like this? Sharing the same bed? Would I have to go sleep on the couch when I get the flu?

 

 

If you were puking I would sleep on the couch!! In sickness and in health means you will love the person not be stupid about potentially catching the pukes!! It's not like being abandoned. She just kept her distance for fear of catching it. I totally can relate. And I do think you are being selfish only thinking of yourself when she could have caught it! Man up!!! SOme guys are such wusses when sick.

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