Is porn cheating??? The true realization. Just Keep Breathing.....

[LeeAnn26]

To Dixiepix: I have an idea of what it is like for you. I have never considered myself a prude and when I discovered my H's porn-habit, offered to watch with him, wanted to know what he likes etc as I thought it could "spice up" our sex life. But H always lied and denied, would never watch with me, show me (I even started downloading stuff I found erotic to share with him, but he wouldnt ever look at anything with me) So in fact, I never had a problem with the porn as such, but the sneaking around and dishonesty. If it stayed at that, it would be ok (though i believe in a truly strong marriage one has to be 100% honest) but he started showing classic signs of "fantasy addiction" - using porn as stress release (excluding me from a large part of his life - and becoming more and more distant) - and started posting on "singles" and dating sites.

 

The crunch came when I found out he had been text-dating and chatting to women in our area, and to top it all he met a woman for coffee, lied and told her he was never married etc..

 

According to literature people with this sort of problem need to "escalate" their activities in order to get the same "kick" out of it.. We are going for counselling ect, but it is not easy, I do believe they did not have sex but the next time it just may happen? I do believe that he really does love me, but he has this unhealthy addiction, and for him, even lingerie ads in a magazine can "set him off" on a spiral of destructive behaviour. He is really battling so hard, hates himself for his "weakness" when he has a "relapse" and battles to understand his own compulsion and behaviour.

 

It is therefore so easy for some of you to condemn women who have a problem with their partner looking at porn, but dont always understand where we come from?

[Jersey Shortie]

I never get over the amount of insensitivity that men display on this issue in regards to their SOs. It is like men think the porn is more important to defend then their wives/girlfriends. It is a little disheartening. There are a few things said that I want to respond to.

 

The fact that I am looking at pictures instead of having sex with as many women as possible is solely out of respect for my significant other, and demonstrates that I am not merely 'shallow'.

 

Wow. If those are the only choices women get from men that is sad and sorry and you really are inadequate as a man to her. The fact that men get into relationships, but can never really give up other women is disheartening. You aren't making any kind of commitment to the person you are with. You are merely substituting what *you* want and having your cake and eating it too the whole time.

 

Men really suck on this issue. I am beginning to think that all men care about is their right to have porn. You guys obviously don't care about the real women in your life. Just have porn then! Don't bother with real women who you end up hurting because all you care about is yourself. It seems that men are incapable of being loyal people.

[JamesM]

There are definitely pros and cons to it.

 

Jersey, not everyone needs to escalate beyond porn. However, many do. What distingusghes the addict from the normal user is the addict finds the porn more appealing than his wife. Plain and simple. There are many men who would much rather sit down with a porn movie than have actual sex with a woman. This is when there is a problem.

 

Having gone through a period when sex was never offered and offers were rejected, something needs to be there when the need arises. Many times I was so close to straying, but this kept me because I had a release. (Amazing how that changes one's feelings towards sex...temporarily!) No, it wasn't the only thing, but it did help release some of my anger at having to be celibate while being married.

 

Truthfully, anything that is kept secret from the wife is technically cheating. Personally, I don't quite believe that because in each of us, there is a part of us that wants to have some portion of our lives whether sexual, financial, emotional, etc that is our own "secret"...this gives us a little bit of autonomy and sanity. However, when our secret involves another person or takes away from our relationship with our wife, then it is cheating.

[lilbo]

I totally agree with you that porn does cause these feelings in women. My SO used to look at porn for about the first year or so of our relashionship, I gave him option porn or me, he slipped, I left for 1 month, well he gave up the porn and our relashionship is far better than it has ever been. I wish porn was illegal like how prostitution is illegal.

[lilo]

Do not think that way... You must be a wonderfull person and have an awfull man like my husband too.. that cannot keep his dick inside of his pants. It seems like every man has to watch porn.. ow.. I have to ask.. If we do the same .. do you think that i will make them upset? i dont think so...

[Elbereth]

Hi Dixipiex,

 

I’m really sorry for you. But you know, you are not alone. I know it doesn’t help, but you are not alone.

Search for “porn addicts support board” at Ggl. You will find a support board for addicts and for SO of addicts as well. And also a lot of information about this problem.

And by the way, you H is not right.

 

Good luck

[wantedbetter]

I haven't read through the whole thread but I'm along the lones of JamesM.

 

I will make this statement . . . .if a woman is truly available to her husband sexually. If she is an enthusiastic partner in bed, and INITIATES love making with him just about as often as he does . . . .then there should be absolutely no reason for a man to look at porn. And for a man to do so in this type of situation . . . .he's a schmuck and he's dishonoring himself, his marriage and his wife.

 

When a wife with-holds love making for any reason (and I guess I have to state this, 'cause experience tells me there will be SOME on this board who will jump at me with . . . . ."Oh, so you want the wife to "give it up" when she's sick and curled up with pneumonia, huh?" . . . . .NO! I don't!) and the with-holding goes on long ebough . . . . .she shows a profound lack of awareness of the make-up of a male if she expects him NOT to look.

[MrsHellFire]

If you have zero PMS symptoms and go through pregnancy and menopause without a mood swing or physical problem, you earn your certification.

 

 

Have you ever went through labor pains? shut up.