Online Why do Many Men Want Casual

[guest569]

Right, so my point is, why even do the FWB if there's no physical attraction? I thought the purpose of having a FWB is to have sex with someone EVEN if you're not attracted.

 

There are some not-so attractive men out there that have female friends that they may want to be willing to help them out in the dating realm to assist them in that area, right? Kind of like doing a favor for a friend. Esp. if it's his first time, yes?

 

Huh? Who is having FWB without attraction?

 

The purpose of FWB is to have a friend, with benefits. Lol, it doesn't mean there is no attraction. Why would you have sex with someone you're not attracted to?

[Leigh 87]

Yes, sexual attraction is important in FWB. Why wouldn't it be.

 

Leigh we are about the same age. So I'm not sure what that has to do with it, and again, not sure what empathy has to do with it.

 

Anyway you would think your understanding would be greater if you have truly been there yourself.

 

 

 

read carefully.

 

I said that I completely understand where you're coming from. I am on board with FWB.. I did it and enjoyed it! Like you, I had to pick the right guys who I was not only greatly attracted to, but who I also genuinely liked as people; plus they had to like me too, for more than just sex... I was going to continue that way until I recently met a nice guy. I was going to do as YOU are doing right now. Happily so.

 

My qualm is this: how can a person with normal emotional intelligence and with a big heart - actually PREFER a FWB, to the idea of having the hot sex but with a lasting partner who is crazy about you!

 

I never PREFERED the idea of casual - I did it as a means to an end, until the right guy came along.

 

I even had to have breaks from casual or FWB because it became upsetting to regularly be intimate with men with whom I didn't feel crazy about....but merely liked a lot as people with no special click that usually compels both parties to commit.

^That is what the thread is about - I wonder, do these men actually WANT casual over meeting a woman they really care about and who knocks their socks off?

My conclusion is this: it is so so sooo rare to meet a woman who is drop dead gorgeous to them, who has a great personality and is funny and intelligent and independent, AND who is mentally sane!

 

^^^ because many men simply cannot find a woman they are either a) really attracted to b) who are worthwhile IF they have the looks and chemistry....

 

I wonder: have they given up indefinitely OR, do they secretly hope they meet the girl who they fall head over heels for and live happily ever after with?

[Diezel]

My qualm is this: how can a person with normal emotional intelligence and with a big heart - actually PREFER a FWB, to the idea of having the hot sex but with a lasting partner who is crazy about you!

 

Because we live in a age of no commitment, which is probably as close to normal human nature than possibly could ever be.

 

Also, there is a huge varying notion within the ranks that says that the hottest sex is with short-term partners, because it's always new and exciting. With long-term relationships, there is (not always) an inevitable decline because of the familiarity. Not saying this is 100% of the times, but just conveying different ways to approach your "qualm".

 

The problem with your "qualm" is that you are assuming that having normal emotional intelligence and a big heart is mutually exclusive from people who'd rather not commit in the short-term.

This isn't a black and white world.

[kendahke]

 

It honestly amazes me that you're an adult female who has yet to grasp the concept that women pine for relationships and men lust for sex. My experience is that most men don't want anything more from their relationships than somewhere warm and wet to shove their penis into. I'm not into being some guys fleshlight so I no longer seek the company of men.

 

I once had a man tell me that the perfect date is a woman who, after ****ing, turns into a 6 pack and a pizza.

[elaine567]

I believe some people can do casual and they never expect more, they do not get invested and they do not get hurt.

They can compartmentalize.

It may be a personality trait, they just do not get involved.

It may be due to circumstance, it may be just fun, it may be a temporary source of relief.

However for some it can be a "for life" thing and they never ever want to be in a committed relationship.

 

For some, casual is purely about sex, for some it is purely about validation, for some it may even be about domination and a feeling of power, for some it is just about convenience, for some it may be about hiding from their feelings or just about protecting their heart.

Whatever the reason(s), casual sex on tap basically suits them.

 

For others casual sex just doesn't work, they want a relationship, they want love, they want to be part of a couple, they want monogamy, they want a relationship to progress.

Casual sex just does not suit them and so they should recognize that and avoid getting into casual and FWB relationships. Otherwise they just open themselves up to unnecessary heart ache.

[Leigh 87]

I believe some people can do casual and they never expect more, they do not get invested and they do not get hurt.

They can compartmentalize.

It may be a personality trait, they just do not get involved.

It may be due to circumstance, it may be just fun, it may be a temporary source of relief.

However for some it can be a "for life" thing and they never ever want to be in a committed relationship.

 

For some, casual is purely about sex, for some it is purely about validation, for some it may even be about domination and a feeling of power, for some it is just about convenience, for some it may be about hiding from their feelings or just about protecting their heart.

Whatever the reason(s), casual sex on tap basically suits them.

 

For others casual sex just doesn't work, they want a relationship, they want love, they want to be part of a couple, they want monogamy, they want a relationship to progress.

Casual sex just does not suit them and so they should recognize that and avoid getting into casual and FWB relationships. Otherwise they just open themselves up to unnecessary heart ache.

 

 

 

I enjoyed the odd casual encounter but I found that I couldn't do it often as it felt bad - plus I really needed to feel great chemistry to compensate for the lack of emotional romantic connection....

 

I enjoyed it on the odd occasion - maybe a few times I can count on my hand - in my lifetime - because I was "into" the guys yet couldn't be together for whatever reason and I was cool with it and never got attached.

 

The majority of the time I hated casual - as I said, I have to be really attracted to the guys and feel like we get along well for me to even consider casual....

 

I just found that the vast majority of casual encounters were awful and without sufficient attraction physically and mentally speaking....

 

The rare times I found a man I enjoyed it with, I didn't fancy doing it often as the more I did it, the more I realised how much I wished I could find the right guy who would also fall for me.

 

No idea why someone would PREFER casual to finding true love; although I totally understand why many people give up on getting swept off of their feet and they don't want to settle for mediocrity so they say "hey, I will at least have intense flings for my life if I cannot get the whole package"

[Leigh 87]

Because we live in a age of no commitment, which is probably as close to normal human nature than possibly could ever be.

 

Also, there is a huge varying notion within the ranks that says that the hottest sex is with short-term partners, because it's always new and exciting. With long-term relationships, there is (not always) an inevitable decline because of the familiarity. Not saying this is 100% of the times, but just conveying different ways to approach your "qualm".

 

The problem with your "qualm" is that you are assuming that having normal emotional intelligence and a big heart is mutually exclusive from people who'd rather not commit in the short-term.

This isn't a black and white world.

 

People with a high degree of emotional intelligence and who are also highly empathetic and with a big heart - I would venture to guess that the only reason they WOULDN'T want true love could be:

 

- They cannot find the whole package of hot chemistry AND a highly compatible partner, so rather than settling for only landing a partner with one or the other (think: rocky relationships and short lived flings with men they are crazy about, VERSUS a compatible guy who they don't feel sparks or great chemistry with) ....they end up picking shorter lived flings that are passionate and enjoyable, since they is a better option to them than "settling" with a more friendship, companionate based lover for possibly the remainder of their lives...

 

^^^ I totally get that and I too, would rather have passion and great chemistry, than a life of mediocre sex with a "compatible" partner...

^^^ but, because I have a lot of love to give, I would like the passion combined with LOVE - that lasts and grows and evolves long term, over years - as opposed to JUST the passion for shorter term flings.....

 

I actually wouldn't have an issue going through life with passionate hot flings with the men I am actually INTO - as opposed to boring or mediocre sex with MR nice guy compatible.

 

 

 

....But surely adding true love to the mix of passion and great chemistry = a deeper, stronger connection that ENHANCES the passion?Having a lot of love to give - I found myself enjoying shorter lived flings but wanting them to drag on and evolve into something deeper And I am sure these "casual" guys and gals for that matter, would also get pangs of longing for true, blazing love to come from one of their steamy encounters!

 

 

 

 

Have the casual brigade merely given up on true love and want to enjoy their lives as they see fit? OR, would they secretly LOVE to find the right partner who has it all - the passion and compatibility?

 

 

 

That is my question.....

[lana-banana]

Have the casual brigade merely given up on true love and want to enjoy their lives as they see fit? OR, would they secretly LOVE to find the right partner who has it all - the passion and compatibility?

 

That is my question.....

 

Or maybe...

 

- they work 70-80-hour weeks and don't really have time for a committed, serious romantic relationship that sometimes puts someone else's needs first;

- they don't believe they need a romantic partner for spiritual and emotional fulfillment;

- they don't put a high priority on "true love" and would rather enjoy their life as it is without trying to manufacture a relationship;

- they move regularly, up to twice a year, all around the world and don't expect to make someone else constantly uproot their life in the same way;

- they are planning a major life change in another country or career path that will make them unavailable in the near future

 

...and on and on and on. All of these seem like perfectly valid reasons to be casual and these were just what I came up with in a minute of thinking. I'm sure there are dozens of others. Why can't someone just not desire long-term committed romantic companionship? It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself everyone else wants what you want and thinks exactly like you. Part of life is accepting not everyone shares your viewpoint and priorities.

[elaine567]

Have the casual brigade merely given up on true love and want to enjoy their lives as they see fit? OR, would they secretly LOVE to find the right partner who has it all - the passion and compatibility?

 

That is my question.....

 

I believe there is now a "me, me, me," culture.

So whilst some may want undying love; there is the stark reality of actually living with another person and taking their needs and wants into consideration.

For some, they may realise, that that is going to be difficult for them, if not almost impossible.

[h0000]

many people have psychological issues. men and women may not want relationships due to various reasons. childhood trauma,past heart-break,narcissistic nature etc. etc. and not everyone enjoys some crazy stupid love because it's guaranteed it will bring immense pain as well.

also not every one believes "the one" so it's not like there is only one that can knock their socks off. Meaning different women can knock their socks off in different ways so guys enjoy having casual relationships with multiple girls.

especially when you see/have sex with 5 girls at the same time you don't feel too excited about anyone of them.you purely just enjoy the fun.

[Argos]

I enjoyed the odd casual encounter but I found that I couldn't do it often as it felt bad - plus I really needed to feel great chemistry to compensate for the lack of emotional romantic connection....

 

I enjoyed it on the odd occasion - maybe a few times I can count on my hand - in my lifetime - because I was "into" the guys yet couldn't be together for whatever reason and I was cool with it and never got attached.

 

The majority of the time I hated casual - as I said, I have to be really attracted to the guys and feel like we get along well for me to even consider casual....

 

I just found that the vast majority of casual encounters were awful and without sufficient attraction physically and mentally speaking....

 

The rare times I found a man I enjoyed it with, I didn't fancy doing it often as the more I did it, the more I realised how much I wished I could find the right guy who would also fall for me.

 

No idea why someone would PREFER casual to finding true love; although I totally understand why many people give up on getting swept off of their feet and they don't want to settle for mediocrity so they say "hey, I will at least have intense flings for my life if I cannot get the whole package"

 

Maybe because people grew up beyond the Disney fantasy of true love? I'm not sure about you, maybe you live in a land where people are forever together in happy harmony, but in the real world people are aware of the fact tha relationships can be highly dangerous for one's mental and emotional health. Not accounting for how ''true love'' can make a man homeless. But who cares.

 

Speaking for myself. I've been dumped and cheated on and when I was young. I didn't care about it but most people are not going to enjoy the experience. As they incur in more responsabilities like a job, having to deal with their families, dealing with the problems of their friends and so on.. men are going to want an easy lay. Is a lot of fun and there's nothing like knowing you aren't the guy who'll have to put up with her when she develops health problems or someone in her family dies.

 

believe there is now a "me, me, me," culture.

So whilst some may want undying love; there is the stark reality of actually living with another person and taking their needs and wants into consideration.

For some, they may realise, that that is going to be difficult for them, if not almost impossible.

 

There was once a culture which appraised men in a golden light for making a sacrifice in the name of society(women and children). Like how millions of young men died in world war I and world war II to protect their girlfriends and wives who I have no doubt had little trouble finding a guy to marry them as soon as good old Johnny died off in some hell-hole. Same goes for how during the titanic occurrence the richest men in the world sacrificed themselves for the women.

 

That's great. Its also over. Now its the time for enjoyment and for freedom. You can bet anything you wan that I'm going to think of myself first. And second. And third. If someone doesn't like it there'll always be new people to meet.

Edited March 23, 2015 by Argos

[xxoo]

Have the casual brigade merely given up on true love and want to enjoy their lives as they see fit? OR, would they secretly LOVE to find the right partner who has it all - the passion and compatibility?

 

 

 

That is my question.....

 

If someone states that they want casual, you should believe them. Don't fantasize that they secretly want to find "the one".

 

That same person may, in a couple years, feel differently. It is common for people to want casual, say, after a divorce. They are emotionally healing and unavailable for the time being. Meeting the right person won't change that, but time might.