Drowning

[caredwen]

Here's my story, as it's very fresh and I feel very lost and over-whelmed at the same time.

 

My husband and I were together for 9 years - 5 of them married. Initially our relationship moved fast when we first met and it was long-distance before I moved to another state to start a new life. Over the years, we had our ups & downs. He had job issues, but I earned more and was able to sustain things. I had my own career ups & downs mostly because I moved to a city where the market isn't as developed for what I do for a living. Eventually he got a job doing what he really wanted to do at the company he wanted to be in. I was happy for him because I knew he could do it. I'd always seen his capabilities, even when he couldn't or wouldn't. For myself, things got very tough almost 2 years ago when the job I took went down in flames. I ended up taking a job that was far below my pay grade in the hopes that maybe it would or could lead to something else. He continued in his job but I started to notice that he partied a lot with his co-workers. And even worse, he excluded me from his new social circle. And yes, that probably was a signal of things to come but when you're in the middle of your own hurricane, you can only deal with so much. But despite that we still maintained - even after we would fight.

 

Even when we did fight, I knew he loved me. He had always feared that I would leave him. But I never imagined he would go the route he did.

 

About 6 months ago - or more maybe - things got very tense. We were really struggling financially and his partying started to increase significantly. I always knew that he was chronically depressed - heck maybe even bipolar. So during his lows, he would say he wanted out of the marriage and then the next day be as right as rain. I never knew if it was his depression, alcohol or just his own continued malaise talking. Despite my asking him, he would never seek out treatment. Instead he would just continue to sink into whatever it was he was doing. I started to feel like he was too addicted to porn, the Internet and distractions. He would barely talk to me or treat me like I was annoying.

 

About a month ago, he was going out more. Getting obsessed with sports & teams. And hanging out after work to "watch sports" and often with one of his supervisors. I never worried about the supervisor because I knew that nothing would come of it. But I knew she had a crush on his & frankly, I think he played on her feelings.

 

A few week ago, I went on a business trip. While I was away, my phone was stolen and I had no way to contact anyone as I didn't bring a computer with me. I knew I wouldn't need one, so I just took my phone. When I got home something felt off and things felt tense. The next day I got into a huge fight with my best friend and realized that I was letting the pressure and my emotions get to me - and it was because I felt rejected by him & that I was constantly walking on eggshells. Finally I just told him how I felt. I told him that I was upset about how we'd drifted so far apart, and him constantly shutting me down was hurtful, his calling me names like 'harpy' and 'shrew' were mean and that I was not his door-mat. Things had to change - not just for us but just in general. He didn't say much - he just listened and then I went to bed. The next day I came home and he'd made dinner, bought me flowers and we ended up having a pleasant night. He said that he realized that he could & should change things. Again, foreshadowing should have been a signal. Anyways his co-worker was texting him non-stop about a hockey game that we were watching together. I gather she's a sports buff. I had to work on something and get to bed, and I knew he wanted to go watch the game. So I probably made the biggest mistake by saying "hey if it's important to you, go. I'm not upset about it." He went but left his phone at home. The texting continued - it was his lead/co-worker saying that there were "three woman waiting for him to show up." I just shook my head and texted back letting her know it was me & that he'd forgotten his phone. Frankly, I just wanted to stupid phone to stop going off. When he got home not long after, he was all weepy and moody. He proceeded to drink himself into a stupor and cry about how he "didn't want permission to do anything." I always found that statement infuriating. I am not the kind that says you need to ask me before you go anyways - he would ask. I would never request it. But I guess it was the feeling that he was obligated to ask that bothered him.

 

With my phone being lost, I was trying to back my stuff up. I went into our phone account and started clicking around to see what & how I could back things up. There was a button that allowed to manage texts - honestly I thought it was something different. What I found made me sick. I found texts between him and another female co-worker. She was going on about how she loved the 'things they do' and "kissing him" and a lot of other NSFW stuff. The word "love" was even used. Oh and apparently he'd been seeing her in the morning after I went off to work. Long story short, he was having an affair. When he got home from yet another late night of drinking, he came home at 4am. I asked him where he had gone and I could tell he was lying. So I proceeded to read out the texts I had found. He denied it initially and then stopped denying. I was so upset that I asked him to leave right then & there. He kept saying that he had loved me - past tense. It hurt.

 

He was gone the entire next day. I could tell he had come in when I left briefly to pick up some possessions he could pawn. I changed the locks right after. The next day he came by again, I assume to pick up more things but I pretended not to be home. I raced to the bank & removed him from my account. I didn't want him to drain me as he had been spending a lot with his activities. I found out that he pawned stuff and was staying with HER. He came over to pick up his clothes, which I had put into black plastic bags for him. I was so upset when I saw him. So hurt. In so much pain. What I did find out was that the affair kicked off while I was away. She wanted him and pursued him and knew he was married. He technically is her supervisor on certain shifts too. Thing is he said he wanted to try living on his own as he never really did & said he wanted to grow into being able to be independent. It was something we had talked about & I was ok with him trying to be independent. But then you take up with someone while we are married, then move in with her, pay her rent and say that makes you independent?

 

I'm really heart-broken about this. I know that things between he & I had to change and that space was probably not a bad idea. But the fact that he immediately shacked up with this whore leaves me gasping for air. In the text conversations we recently had he said that he'd already mourned the relationship. WTF - you're gone not even three weeks and you've mourned & moved on?

 

I know that NC is a good idea but my concern is that there are mutual expenses. We were married. I'm left with our condo but it's an expense we shared. While I make more - it's not a dramatic difference. Plus we have three cats - two of which are his. They are still here & I'm left to feed & care for them while he whoops it up with his mistress. In the last text he kept referring to squaring things away, getting his stuff etc. But I'm in now physical or emotional position to see him. I don't want him to see me broken or feeling sorry for myself. Let alone seeing the house in the state it's in, as I've been tossing things out & packing his stuff up. But deep down I want us to figure out a way to work things out. But I know as long as he's with the lying bitch that he took up with, I'm going to look pretty bad in comparison.

 

Financially it's tough. My current work situation doesn't provide benefits. So all my health benefits are through his work. If I take any actions, he could toss me off his insurance and that would put my health in jeopardy. But there's the mortgage, our HOA fees, car insurance, phone and certain shared payments - heck even taxes. I'm so freaking wound up about all of this that I'm probably making myself sick in the process.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm so hurt about things. He walked away and is living in la-la land while I am left to pick up the pieces & saddled with the responsibilities.

[jen1447]

Hey caredwen.

 

That's a rough road, but a lot of people face it and get thru it. What you need to do is start taking action so that you don't fall into an apathetic stupor. All this stuff is within your ability to deal with.

 

First things first - it's really not the other woman, it's your husband. He decided to take up with her. We tend to romanticize people, but try not to do that. He deserves the only blame that's truly significant to you. She didn't break your trust, he did. All that means it's over, and it is. Get your head around that notion because it's the reality. His "good times" attitude is a clear indicator of his lack of remorse. No remorse = no change, so he's a lost cause.

 

Next thing is to get a dovorce lawyer if you don't already have one. They can help a lot with telling you what to do, aside from handling the actual divorce. It's an unavoidable expense.

 

Third thing - the difficulties. None are insurmountable. You'll find that a lot of the answers come from having the right accepting mindset. That means for example - health insurance thru hubs? Ok, no health insurance for the time being. The implications for the opposite are unacceptable - hanging around on the dole with hubs - so just accept it. Most other answers will fall into place too.

 

Last thing - your grief. Here are the facts ....it will suck, majorly, and you will get thru it and be better off for it in the longrun. Do you have family and/or a basic support system? Use it. That's what they're there for. Don't be afraid to think/say what an a-hole he is. That's processing. Maybe even keep a blog about it. (You could do it anonymously here.) The important thing is to deal, not to keep it bottled up inside.

 

You'll be fine girlfriend. Good job seeing it for what it is.

[minimariah]

gosh, sweetheart... it must've been so draining being married to this dude. you were SUPER patient with him, i got annoyed just reading about his behavior - i can't even imagine what's it like to actually live with that kind of pain in the a**.

 

*hugs*

 

i know it hurts, but focus on YOU now.

do you have money for an attorney? maybe ask around about your legal rights, divorce proceedings, alimony? do you have good support system - friends & family?

 

gather all of his things + the cats and leave it in front of your house after you call him to pick it all up, that way you don't even have to see him. or you can have your friend give his stuff to him?

 

also - what are your options with finding a better job? is that a possibility maybe? can you find a roommate maybe, to share your expenses while you're living in that house?

 

it would be great if he came back but that isn't the situation right now. i know it's super hard and painful but you need to do whatever you can and know to protect yourself - act as if the divorce is a done deal. focus on adapting to a life without him in it. don't make ANY moves without consulting with your attorney first.