contact1 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 In going through my divorce I started thinking and reflecting a lot in what it is exactly I would ever want in a relationship. By all accounts my ex-wife had a lot of qualities that many men would have found very appealing. She was very attractive, cooked, cleaned, had a high paying job, liked to spoil others with gifts and at times could be very loving. Some may have even called me crazy for leaving that. But she also had her bad sides that lead into me deciding to divorce her, which I won't get into in this thread, any interested can look at my posting history. But it got me thinking, what is it that I really want? I don't need a gorgeous partner, she doesn't have to be able to cook or clean (though those are pluses) and I honestly could care less how much money she made, though her having a job or some kind of passion would be good. I came to realize, what I want most in a relationship, is trust. I want to be able to have someone who I can trust and who in turn can trust in me. This was probably one of the biggest downfalls to my past marriage, there was no trust among either of us. She was always suspicious of what I was doing (and part of it could have been her constant need of always having to interact with me 24/7), but throughout the whole time together, we never had anything joint. No joint account, utility bills, anything. I want to know what it is like to be someone, who you can count on, who you can open up to and trust they won't use it against you and make you feel inadequate about it. And in turn, to have someone that trusts me, that I don't feel like I have to prove anything, because I don't have anything to hide and only want to make them happy. So, what's most important to you in a relationship? 1
Gloria25 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Wow, I wish I could say "trust", but cuz of my childhood I just can't let down my guard to "trust" anyone. That's one major reason why I'm still single and never married. I cannot open myself to feel vulnerable and actually experience love, sharing of finances, etc. So, what am I looking for/want in a RL? -A "long-term monogamous RL"...cuz, while I may not want kids and got my own stuff (no need for the white picket fence). I don't want more FWBs/casual things. I want just one guy and I want it to last - even if I get involved with an involved guy. -A guy who is fit, has his own stuff, savings, job/career, and education. Again, while I don't need a guy to provide/protect for me, a guy who doesn't have his crap together isn't gonna make Lady J wet. -No drugs - even weed. -My space. I need a guy who understands that I need my space....and understand that me needing limited contact doesn't mean that I do not care for him, it's just that I cannot deal with someone around all the time. 2
Author contact1 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Wow, I wish I could say "trust", but cuz of my childhood I just can't let down my guard to "trust" anyone. That's one major reason why I'm still single and never married. I cannot open myself to feel vulnerable and actually experience love, sharing of finances, etc. I know what you mean, I can't honestly think of a single person in my life who I could really say I fully trust, but it is a nice thought. Maybe it's a silly little dream, but meh So, what am I looking for/want in a RL? -A "long-term monogamous RL"...cuz, while I may not want kids and got my own stuff (no need for the white picket fence). I don't want more FWBs/casual things. I want just one guy and I want it to last - even if I get involved with an involved guy. -A guy who is fit, has his own stuff, savings, job/career, and education. Again, while I don't need a guy to provide/protect for me, a guy who doesn't have his crap together isn't gonna make Lady J wet. -No drugs - even weed. -My space. I need a guy who understands that I need my space....and understand that me needing limited contact doesn't mean that I do not care for him, it's just that I cannot deal with someone around all the time. Ha! If I lived in "everywhere" it would be fun to meet. I should probably add having my own space/time in my list of desires, my ex-wife was sooo needy in always having to talk and be around me, it gets so freaken exhausting. 1
gaius Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I just want a girl I can connect with really. =/ The best I've had so far was one I met online, and I could tell things about her without her saying. I could just feel and sense her, as strange as that sounds. Even before we met in person. I'm fairly different from most other people so finding women like that, along with her being somewhat physically my type, available, and knowing how to handle me can he difficult. If she has all that I don't care whether she works at Wendy's or NASA, is 18 or 68. Though about 10-20 years older than me would be preferable. 1
No Limit Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I wish I could say "trust", but cuz of my childhood I just can't let down my guard to "trust" anyone. That's one major reason why I'm still single and never married. I cannot open myself to feel vulnerable and actually experience love, sharing of finances, etc. I'm afraid I agree with that. Only that I take it a little further; I've learned that people change, and many times not for the better. I don't want to be involved with someone over a long period of time and give him such a high-value-spot in my life only to try and tear it down later. Much less get children involved into that mess. Long-term buddies, sure, no problem. But boyfriend or even husband? Nah, pick someone else. 1
regine_phalange Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I hear you. Trust is the important thing for me also. When I feel trust for someone it can give me butterflies. More than anything in the world I'm scared of living in a lie. He doesn't need to speak much. But when he opens his mouth I want to hear things as they are. Sense of humour can drag me from the panties as well. Finally, good chemistry and a natural sympathy are also very important. You know, when you like and feel connected to someone with no apparent reason. 1
Author contact1 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 I hear you. Trust is the important thing for me also. When I feel trust for someone it can give me butterflies. More than anything in the world I'm scared of living in a lie. He doesn't need to speak much. But when he opens his mouth I want to hear things as they are. Sense of humour can drag me from the panties as well. Finally, good chemistry and a natural sympathy are also very important. You know, when you like and feel connected to someone with no apparent reason. Yup, something like that would be nice to have. And I'm not expecting like the truth, never ever tells a lie 100% of the time. Just to know that someone really has your back, and they don't question your actions due to paranoia.
Eggplant Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I want a man who shares my values, which are, specifically, family and relationships and intellectual pursuits and discussions. I will never understand or feel satisfied with a man who lives for his ego or for money. If he spends his whole life looking to impress or fit in with other people or make a million dollars or drive a fancy car or have a cuter woman than the next guy (even if behind closed doors he doesn't care who she is), or if he enters in a marriage to keep up ... whatever. This is empty crap, depressing and lonely. And a lot of people are wrapped up in that, and they are a different breed from me. I don't get them. I respect that they are different, but please for me let me find somebody who is free from it.
Shepp Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) I think theres quite a few things - if your talking about a partner to spend your lifetime in a relationship with then I also think that there should be quite a few things! I'm right with you on trust, but even more than that if I could find the right words to express myself - I trust my mechanic not to do me, I trust my coach to get my best performance, I trust my colleagues in a fire. But in a rest of my life relationship its a different kind of trust....a surety or a faith I guess that I can trust her, with anything, under any circumstances, to always try her best to have my back, to always have my best interests in her heart, however I screw up, however she gets it wrong. I don't just trust her, I trust in us, our connection, I trust that to remain in tact. There's got to be love too, love in the sense she doesn't love me for my looks, or my sporting ability, my paycheck, my uniform, my car. She's got to love me just because she loves me. Logical love isn't half so strong as illogical love. And likewise I have to feel the same. Humour. not essential for everyone but completely essential for me. If she doesn't crack me up and likewise doesn't think I'm completely hilarious then shes not the one I want to live out my life with her. Attitude. A can do, grafter, not afraid of hard work attitude. I need us to be a team and any good team needs a winning attitude. Going in the same direction. You can't spend your life with someone who wants/values totally different things to you But then overall more than any of that.. that kind of can't put your finger of connection. That I didn't even know I was looking for until I found. You know when you can just look in someones eyes and you know they get you, completely. And likewise you feel like you can almost read their mind. That. Edited March 22, 2015 by Shepp 4
Timshel Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) I agree with Shepp. Loyalty is high on the list. Trust and respect. The three for me are mutually (triple) exclusive. I can't have one of these without the other. Laughter, laughter and did I say.....life is short and at times, brutal. It is also hilarious and fun and I have to have the laughter. Sex, good sex, passionate sex, quickie sex. I will include sex in the 5 exclusive. The first four bring the teamwork and the 5th, icing on a cake. Edited March 22, 2015 by Timshel 2
Dark Passenger Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 1. Caring and affection 2. great sex, intimate moments 3. shared hobbies, travels, fitness 4. some to have fun and laugh with 5. someone I can learn from and grow as a person 1
writergal Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Same sense of humor. Shared interests. Mature (he's emotional available). Trustworthy (he is always honest with me). Independent (he has hobbies & interests separate from my own). Sensitive (he doesn't try to control me, and he emotionally supports me). Shared values. Affectionate. Physically healthy. Financially stable. Well-rounded. Good communicator. I want a partner who makes me feel appreciated and valued, and lets me be myself completely around him, who actually LIKES me for who I am. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 So, what's most important to you in a relationship? In the past few years I came up with three really important factors that I require for a healthy relationship. Affectionate, doesn't take me for granted, and communicates. Also, these requirements are not like that Meatloaf song : "I want, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Now don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad." I need all three. I want to know what it is like to be someone, who you can count on, who you can open up to and trust they won't use it against you and make you feel inadequate about it. And in turn, to have someone that trusts me, that I don't feel like I have to prove anything, because I don't have anything to hide and only want to make them happy. Oh wow, this paragraph, especially the boldfaced, hit home for me. After my last relationship I have to say this is true for me. I'm going to have to add that to my list. It's very similar to being taken for granted, because all your efforts and feelings are dismissed. Feeling like that is really horrible.
susanpetrick Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hi! As you said that 'trust' is important, but trust is a feeling that develops with time. In my opinion 'understanding' in a relation is more important, if you are able to understand your partner, his/her needs, thinking, thoughts, behavior, passion, fantasies and many other aspects you will we able to trust your partner easily.
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