Summer_Nights82 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 So I have been seeing this guy I met online for about three months. His longest relationship was seven months and broke off because he went to work out of the country. His other relationships have all been shorter and he has told me he has been single most of the time. His lack of experience in dealing with women in a relationship is very apparent at times. At the beginning he was very reserved with affection, it has improved over time. We sometimes go out but most of the time we stay in. We did have the talk that we aren’t seeing other people and it is just the two of us and did begin sleeping together after that. He does text daily and we see each other about once a week. However he said awhile ago that hes not sure if we are going to be a couple. I went away on vacation for 4 days and when I came back he said he missed me, but I can see had been active on online dating again. Not exactly sure what to do with this one, I want to get out of the casual dating and into an actual relationship but wondering if I should proceed or just let things evolve slowly. I would appreciate any advice.
DoesntGetIt Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 If a person isn't ready, nothing you do will make them ready. However, if you had "the talk" about being exclusive and yet he is being active on online dating, I don't know that the talk went the way you think it did. He shouldn't be looking on there like that. You need to decide how important a more serious relationship is to you. If it is important, you need to let him know and if he isn't willing to give that, you need to go out and find someone who is. Don't hold yourself back to try an appease someone else, it never works out well for you and you deserve to respect yourself enough to go after what you want. 1
Author Summer_Nights82 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 If a person isn't ready, nothing you do will make them ready. However, if you had "the talk" about being exclusive and yet he is being active on online dating, I don't know that the talk went the way you think it did. He shouldn't be looking on there like that. You need to decide how important a more serious relationship is to you. If it is important, you need to let him know and if he isn't willing to give that, you need to go out and find someone who is. Don't hold yourself back to try an appease someone else, it never works out well for you and you deserve to respect yourself enough to go after what you want. Thank you for your great response. It made me stop and think about a few things. I see improvements in him but also a lot of mixed messages. I like him but I like myself more and would like to have a relationship instead of this casual dating arrangement.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 In most cases, I usually become exclusive with a woman in the 2-3 month range. The fact that you're heading into month four of casual and you stay in most of the time, makes it sound like it's more about sex. It's funny though because women I meet online are always shocked when I plan actual dates. I guess the trend these days is to stay in most of the time. Don't get me wrong. I'm a homebody and LOVE sex. However, my way of showing a woman how much I respect her is to put an effort and have dates out too.
Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 After three months you are supposed to be infatuated with each other. Three months in he shouldn't be able to keep his hands off you. When couples are in the deep honeymoon phase, they tend to not be able to get enough of each other. Going online within the first few months is a REALLY bad sign that you just don't do it for him, he isn't into you and he is just using you until someone better comes along.
Redhead14 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) So I have been seeing this guy I met online for about three months. His longest relationship was seven months and broke off because he went to work out of the country. His other relationships have all been shorter and he has told me he has been single most of the time. His lack of experience in dealing with women in a relationship is very apparent at times. At the beginning he was very reserved with affection, it has improved over time. We sometimes go out but most of the time we stay in. We did have the talk that we aren’t seeing other people and it is just the two of us and did begin sleeping together after that. He does text daily and we see each other about once a week. However he said awhile ago that hes not sure if we are going to be a couple. I went away on vacation for 4 days and when I came back he said he missed me, but I can see had been active on online dating again. Not exactly sure what to do with this one, I want to get out of the casual dating and into an actual relationship but wondering if I should proceed or just let things evolve slowly. I would appreciate any advice. It hard to be sure, but sometimes it's just about your gut feeling about the man. But, from what you have said, it appears that he is a serial dater. He has a history of several very short term relationships. This is an indicator sometimes that the man is more into the chase than having an actual relationship. They enjoy the pursuit, but once they have the prize, they are unable to maintain an actual relationship because they don't know how. In this case, the evidence is: "His lack of experience in dealing with women in a relationship" He has told you he's unsure whether you two will be a couple and I suspect that he's saying unsure when, in fact, he knows you won't be a couple or if you are, it won't be for very long. If nothing else, at least, the illusion of couple-hood would exist. He can and will show just enough to keep the feeling that a relationship is there. Sure, they will miss you when you're gone, but does he come on stronger or become more affectionate when yu do return, even just for that day or so and then it goes away again? You've said, as well, that he is reserved with affection -- these types of men will not be very openly affectionate, especially in public or around friends, because they don't want anyone to think that a particular woman is his girlfriend. If people think he has a girlfriend, his chances of moving on to another woman may become limited. If your gut says, he's just plain reserved and he has said he does, at least, want to have a relationship for himself at some point and it's just about whether it will be with you, I'd say proceed with caution and manage your emotions and expectations and observe his words and actions a little while longer. At three months, especially if he has trouble being in a relationship, he may be hesitant and needs a lot of time for evaluation (age is a factor here. Older men are often much more cautious about entering a relationship because of their history if they do want a relationship). But at about 6 or so months, if he hasn't told you or talked to you about the relationship status, I'd open a conversation with him for the purpose of taking the "temperature" of the relationship. You can say something like, "I'm enjoying the time we spend together and the relationship so far and (list some things about it specifically), as you know, I'm searching for a man (don't be specific about him) with whom I can have a lasting relationship " and then let him talk. Be prepared to hear him say he doesn't want a relationship though. If he wants to proceed, great but make sure he's meeting your needs at least on most levels. Otherwise, I'd move on myself if I were you at that point. You can do this now if you feel the need. It's not about scaring him off, because his response will be his response whether you've broached the subject or not. It's the way you word it. If you word it in a way that is pressuring, he will default to "I don't want a relationship with you" just because he's feeling cornered or pressured. If it's just a general statement about what you want for yourself, it's just casual and non-pressuring. For now, though, I'd start evaluating things for yourself. Does he make you feel special on an emotional level? It's not all about the "superficial" things, like he starts your car on cold mornings, or does little things for you or things that are just about him being gentlemanly. Do you feel enough from him to want to give it a little more time now? Be honest with yourself and then manage your emotions and expectations if you decide to continue with him. Edited March 21, 2015 by Redhead14
Author Summer_Nights82 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 It hard to be sure, but sometimes it's just about your gut feeling about the man. But, from what you have said, it appears that he is a serial dater. He has a history of several very short term relationships. This is an indicator sometimes that the man is more into the chase than having an actual relationship. They enjoy the pursuit, but once they have the prize, they are unable to maintain an actual relationship because they don't know how. In this case, the evidence is: "His lack of experience in dealing with women in a relationship" He has told you he's unsure whether you two will be a couple and I suspect that he's saying unsure when, in fact, he knows you won't be a couple or if you are, it won't be for very long. If nothing else, at least, the illusion of couple-hood would exist. He can and will show just enough to keep the feeling that a relationship is there. Sure, they will miss you when you're gone, but does he come on stronger or become more affectionate when yu do return, even just for that day or so and then it goes away again? You've said, as well, that he is reserved with affection -- these types of men will not be very openly affectionate, especially in public or around friends, because they don't want anyone to think that a particular woman is his girlfriend. If people think he has a girlfriend, his chances of moving on to another woman may become limited. If your gut says, he's just plain reserved and he has said he does, at least, want to have a relationship for himself at some point and it's just about whether it will be with you, I'd say proceed with caution and manage your emotions and expectations and observe his words and actions a little while longer. At three months, especially if he has trouble being in a relationship, he may be hesitant and needs a lot of time for evaluation (age is a factor here. Older men are often much more cautious about entering a relationship because of their history if they do want a relationship). But at about 6 or so months, if he hasn't told you or talked to you about the relationship status, I'd open a conversation with him for the purpose of taking the "temperature" of the relationship. You can say something like, "I'm enjoying the time we spend together and the relationship so far and (list some things about it specifically), as you know, I'm searching for a man (don't be specific about him) with whom I can have a lasting relationship " and then let him talk. Be prepared to hear him say he doesn't want a relationship though. If he wants to proceed, great but make sure he's meeting your needs at least on most levels. Otherwise, I'd move on myself if I were you at that point. You can do this now if you feel the need. It's not about scaring him off, because his response will be his response whether you've broached the subject or not. It's the way you word it. If you word it in a way that is pressuring, he will default to "I don't want a relationship with you" just because he's feeling cornered or pressured. If it's just a general statement about what you want for yourself, it's just casual and non-pressuring. For now, though, I'd start evaluating things for yourself. Does he make you feel special on an emotional level? It's not all about the "superficial" things, like he starts your car on cold mornings, or does little things for you or things that are just about him being gentlemanly. Do you feel enough from him to want to give it a little more time now? Be honest with yourself and then manage your emotions and expectations if you decide to continue with him. Thank you for taking the time to send me a great response. I agree with a lot of what has been written here. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I do have a few things that need to be sorted out. He can walk then if he isn't on a similar page as me. Im not wasting time on people who wont put in the effort. 1
Mjm1014 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Sorry to hear about your issue with the guy you're seeing. It can be quite confusing...trust me I'm dealing with the same thing. I don't have an answer since I'm obviously dealing with the same thing, BUT feel free to look at one or two of my threads I posted the past week or two. I got some good suggestions (the last one I posted isn't the one to look at though). Hope this helps slightly. Same thing. 3 months, flakey, no commitment sadly
Author Summer_Nights82 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Sorry to hear about your issue with the guy you're seeing. It can be quite confusing...trust me I'm dealing with the same thing. I don't have an answer since I'm obviously dealing with the same thing, BUT feel free to look at one or two of my threads I posted the past week or two. I got some good suggestions (the last one I posted isn't the one to look at though). Hope this helps slightly. Same thing. 3 months, flakey, no commitment sadly Seems like we are dating almost the same people. We should introduce them, they would be perfect for each other. I am not hardwired like that, I actually give a S*** about the people I am with. Well I will see how tomorrow goes. Just trying to figure out how to approach this topic with him and get exactly what I want to say across.
Mjm1014 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I know what needs to be done, but it's hard when you care about someone. Best thing to do is walk away and act indifferent, create mystery to gain the upper hand and if he (and my girl in my case), truly cared you will hear from them again and not only that they may realize they screwed up and will be more than willing to get into a relationship ....but only if it was that easy...LOL
Author Summer_Nights82 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 So heres an update So as he was active on online dating I decided to see if it was just out of boredom or if he was actually fishing. Dont judge me but I created a fake profile, no pictures or anything and sent him a message. A week goes by no reply. So I just chalked it up to him looking because he was bored and let it be. We went on the date that Sunday. He left his buddies while they were watching a big soccer match and said he was coming to see me. So I thought hey thats a step in the right direction. So I just enjoyed the date and let things be as it was. Then last night he goes back online sends a reply to said message...basically saying that he hasnt been with anyone in awhile and hasn't had sex in awhile either. Which are flat out lies. Anyways I am seeing him tonight. Which will be the last time I see him because its over. I am worth more. Thank you all for your advice.
Versacehottie Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Sh*t, I usually tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and a chance. But before I got to your update post, I was going to say you should probably move on. 3 months in when you're supposed to be exclusive and he went back online when you went away for 4 days is not acceptable. It sucks that you had to create the fake profile to find out what was going on. I wouldn't mention it to him in your breakup talk. Just go on about wanting different things because the reason I was going to say move on is that someone who gives such a lackluster response to should we be in a relationship question at 3 months in is just playing with you, I think. They don't necessarily have to agree to it but they would be worried that whatever stalling answer they had (unless it was a full-on yes let's do this) was going to scare you away. This guy doesn't seem like he cares. Therefore, I think he just sees you as a placeholder. I'm sorry. Good luck and congratulations for figuring it out before you got more sucked in.
amyO Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I had the same thing happen to me. I was dating a guy I met online for 3 months too. I noticed he was adding all these girls on social media towards the end and knew he was back on a dating app. It's awful that someone could treat another person like that and not have a care in the world. Kudos to you for finding all of that important information and moving on. There is definitely someone greater out there than him. May I ask how old he was? Just curious as he seemed rather young and immature, but i guess then again, someone can be older and still be immature!
Author Summer_Nights82 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 amyO he wasnt young at all hes 32 and will be turning 33 in about a month and a half. He has no relationship experience at all, his longest being 7 months, and even I question that, I am not hanging around to teach him either. Our "date" tonight will be short I can tell you that. I had the same thing happen to me. I was dating a guy I met online for 3 months too. I noticed he was adding all these girls on social media towards the end and knew he was back on a dating app. It's awful that someone could treat another person like that and not have a care in the world. Kudos to you for finding all of that important information and moving on. There is definitely someone greater out there than him. May I ask how old he was? Just curious as he seemed rather young and immature, but i guess then again, someone can be older and still be immature!
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