StahuKert Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Hello everyone ! I just registered on this site after googling " break up forum". I have been up way too much because I am master in planting ugly seeds inside my head , so forgive me if some parts of the text below are unclear. I am 22 but I experienced my first ever relationship with a real emotional connection in August 2014. I lived in Scotland at the time , renting a flat and working. Met this woman at work, 24. Things just clicked ! It was amazing , we could stare each other in the eyes for minutes non stop without saying anything. I also finally got to experience the emotional side of sex. It was her first time by the way. So I took her virginity. I also showed her "good" times clubbing and doing more extreme-ish things that she was normally used to. In mid September , because of my own stupidity I lost my job at a call centre. With no savings , I was forced to terminate my flat contract and my new found little happiness asked if I would like to stay with her. She actually lived with her mother who was away for a couple of months. I appreciated her doing that, but here comes the sad part. I let myself down , after not having an own flat I let my ego get the best of me and I became less of a man in my own eyes ,started respecting myself less... I basically changed in to something that no woman really would want to see. We still lived happy and had a great time but there is no denying that I was not the same "man of fire" that she fell for at the start. I found work after a while in a call centre but apart from the fact that the phone work was messing with my head, my shifts were very random so sometimes I had to work weekends and nights so we did not see each other that much. In December we , as 2 naive dreamers , decided to go to Finland and then to Estonia to see my family. We wanted to experience something new to further build our relationship and then we "planned" to actually move to some other country together. All of that without much planning or realistic thinking. The stay in Finland was not that comfortable because we were staying with my family and it got too crowded , plus they barely speak English so my poor love felt very lonely. Estonia was even worse , as the flat of my grandparents is even smaller , and English language skill : lower. Amid all this uncertainty , me feeling almost useless , I got offered to take part in a course of 3D modelling here in Estonia after which I could also get a job there. Because of my knowledge of languages and my manner , I was offered a project manager position. ( the company is only a year old) and that would be valuable experience for later in life. After talking all night ,holding hands and crying , we decided that it might be best for me to try this out if it will help me realize my potential as a person and a man. If I would not like it ,I could always come back to Scotland. A quote : " Maybe right now this is the best way for us to be able to be together in the future " was said that night. The conversation we had that night was something I can never forget for never could I have imagined that it is possible to connect to someone that much.. to feel so understood. I just knew it was real love. And so she went off back to Scotland. Yesterday it is 2 months exactly that she left here. We talked daily , planned things, cried to each other over skype. But 2 Weeks ago they moved to Holland with her mother ( that is where they are originally from) and after that things just went downhill. We barely talk , she feels cold and distant. Does not answer my calls either. She has even been logging off facebook as soon as she sees me log on ! My heart tries telling my brain that she is just adjusting to Holland again, that because she does not really want to live there it is hard for her and all kinds of silly things. But my brain knows that people don't just do that to people they love. I am just hating and resenting myself non stop. I hate me for letting my spirit die like that, that I did not do all I could at the time to get a job I like, to work on myself. I hate myself for turning in to this sucker type of guy because of my lost self respect ,and women hate that. I hate that I did not do enough chores back in Scotland in her flat. It eats me alive , I am petrified to be remembered like that. The only good part is that we never actually broke up because of a fight or something like that. I have been screwing up a lot in my life, and now I know the best thing I can do is to do the course as well as I can , stop constantly writing and clinging on to her , do my own thing and make something out of myself because I know I have the potential. But It's like I am stuck in this vortex of self-disgust and hate , not being able to turn back time to be a better person. It's this not knowing for sure if we still have hope ,or what comes next. Heart says: She cant just forget about us like that , we were supposed to be special ,our connection was supposed to be special. Somebody , please
mightycpa Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 our connection was supposed to be special. Everybody thinks they're special until they get the dumping. Then, they are exposed to the evidence that they are not special, but they cling to their false belief. Little by little, their grip loosens and they fall from this grand illusion, and they find that they weren't special at all. They were just like everybody else. The moral of this story? You're not special. You're just like everybody else. You don't have to forgive yourself to get started on your self-improvement. In fact, you might want to withhold your forgiveness until you get off your ass and do something worthy of forgiveness. The only question is how long you're going to feel sorry for yourself, and put off the inevitable growing up. Why don't you tell us, my friend? How long?
Author StahuKert Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) The moral of this story? You're not special. You're just like everybody else. The only question is how long you're going to feel sorry for yourself, and put off the inevitable growing up. Why don't you tell us, my friend? How long? "The moral of this story? You're not special. You're just like everybody else. " That was something we said to each other... eh. Harsh, truth hurts. The time is now. Edited March 21, 2015 by StahuKert Spelling
mightycpa Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Just remember, it is a process, not a decision. There might be setbacks, as there are with just about everything. Don't let setbacks set you back for long. Good luck. 1
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